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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife says it's too little, too late

303 replies

benthebuilder · 04/07/2010 21:28

Would have put this on Dadsnet, but it seems a bit quiet and I urgently need advice.
Basically, my wife has told me that my attempts to become more understanding regarding her needs and feelings is too little too late.
Dinn't realise how serious problem was until I read a letter of hers from solicitor regarding divorce.
Have attempted to talk with her about this, but she says it's far too late to show concern now, about 3 years too late actually.
I don't want a divorce, but she seems to have come to the end of the line with me and refuses to talk about it, saying I have left it too late.
What do I do now?
Also. I think things have come to a head over past few days and she is removing herself emotionally from our family.

OP posts:
DinahRod · 04/07/2010 23:25

Ben, if you return to this thread, to get anything out of it you need to engage with the posts that offer you constructive advice and ask you questions.

Mittz · 04/07/2010 23:41

Well, if I didn't know differently and small detail difference, you could easily be my 'H'.

A 'crass' comment triggered my relationship demise and I tried to get him on board to fix things, and then when I said enough is enough, it was urgent that we sorted it out.

Ben, I don't know. I'd love to say 'yeah, keep on trying to fix it' but I am so so sorry, 3 years of being unhappy is to long for a soul and I don't know what it would take for you to fix things, or if they are fixable any more.

If it were me, I wouldn't give a rats as if you had opened my mail, posted on the same forum as me,
This sums up where you are to me........
By HecateQueenOfWitches Sun 04-Jul-10 22:11:18
You didn't need to understand women - you needed to care enough about her to hear what she was saying to you and to act on it.

I'm sorry that you didn't take more care.

Nothing is ever 100% one persons fault, so I'm not going to make you the devil and her the saint but really, you need to accept her choice and accept your part in her making this choice.

You didn't listen to her when it could have saved your marriage, you should at least listen to her now at the ending of it.''

I'd guess she is a tired emotional wreck, I think you may have to accept that you are doing too little too late.

I am not saying this because you are a man, just because I have been where your wife appears to be and in the end, you simply can not stand the pain any more.
I guess underneath the scar of what you crassly said, the wound has festered, untreated,

The rights and wrongs of you being on MN are another debate to me... if you have really left it too late.. you have to accept it and accept that she has decided to move on.

PrettyFeckinVacant · 05/07/2010 00:25

Mittz, I was about to post the same as you.

Ben could be my H - the things he has said.

I have also had 3 long years of being ignored and just generally being treated as though I have no feelings or emotions.

Sometimes nothing makes it better.

Sometime the best thing to do is to walk away

Ryuk · 05/07/2010 00:58

I agree with Portia.

Also, if he genuinely believes that it's hard to understand his wife because he's a man and she's a woman, I struggle to not think that he's a sexist twat.

mathanxiety · 05/07/2010 02:13

You're invading her space, BTB, and you should find some other forum for your tale of woe.

"Have to add that Ihave been pretty selfish, ie, socialising while she looks after the kids, expecting meals on table, sex when I am in mood, etc.
I know, this all sounds bad but am not a bad person, just a bit thick when it comes to understanding women I suppose. " As for this -- agree with Ryuk et al that women are humans and if you wouldn't treat a male friend like this and expect a friendship to last, why would you do it to a woman. We're not an entirely different species.

There's no way to reheat a souffle. Three years of letting it go cold followed by opening her post (} = pack yer things.

TDiddy · 05/07/2010 06:47

Isn't it a matter of fact that MNers are more likely to empathetic towards a woman?

However, I think phrases such as "socialising while she looks after the kids, expecting meals on table, sex when I am in mood"...is recognised and common bad behaviour by men....hence many posters finding it difficult to be supportive in this case.

bananalover · 05/07/2010 10:23

Blimey!
After reading this thread, all I can say is thank god I'm not a bloke looking for advice here

DuelingFanjo · 05/07/2010 10:30

but ther's lots of good advice and support given banana lover.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 10:32

If the OP's wife was not a MNer, he would have got a different reaction. It smacks of manipulation.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/07/2010 10:36

What he wants is for a lot of women to go, aw, poor diddums, your wife must be a bitch, some of us on here are desperate to havea real man in our lives, come round and fuck us and we will cook you dinner forever.

ANd he probably doesn't understand why it isn't happening. Because after all he has the Magic Penis and we are mostly just women and therefore exist for his convenience.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 10:37

Lol @ 'Magic Penis'

thesunshinesbrightly · 05/07/2010 10:40

It's your own fault.
3 years of been cold to your wife now you are paying the price.

stainesmassif · 05/07/2010 10:42

there is lots of good advice on here, but if anyone's ever had the experience of being flamed on their first post then they'll understand why ben has become more defensive as the thread has unfolded. it's hard to take good advice on board if you feel like every other poster is attacking you.

bananalover · 05/07/2010 10:44

All I'm saying is if he had posted on here as a woman I think things would have been very different. I think he just wanted advice, not a pasting.
And I think it's wrong to keep saying that he should not have posted on HIS WIFE'S mumsnet. She doesn't have copyright over it does she?
BTW my DH is on MN and posts whatever he wants, I don't see it as encroaching on my patch.

EleanorHandbasket · 05/07/2010 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 10:54

Nope, no one owns mumsnet. However, deliberately seeking out advice on a board that you know your partner uses, where she is likely to see it, is shitty IMO.

bananalover · 05/07/2010 11:03

Why is it shitty. Like I said, My DH on MN and I have no probs with this whatsoever.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 11:09

As I have already said, it feels manipulative. In fact, it feels like we were expected to take his side and judge his wife. His wife, who is a MNer, and could well be reading this right now. It has happened before.

bananalover · 05/07/2010 11:11

yes, she could be reading this now, but she's not forced to know it's him.
He said she would neer expect him to be on MN and his chatname is not his real name and job, so it's unlikely.

Lucy85 · 05/07/2010 11:12

Hi benthebuilder,
It's great you are trying to be understanding and I really hope it's not too late for you. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time, I have also had a tough time recently and it's not much fun is it.

One thing that I learned through another means is a useful questioning technique - open questions are ones which cannot be answered 'yes' or 'no'.

So, for example 'did you have a good day today?' is better phrased as 'how was your day today?'

The other thing I would try to explain to you is that sometimes, women just want to talk. They want to share problems and not be given a solution straight away. So, one thing you could perhaps try is using questioning techniques before giving your view of a possible solution, for example 'how did that make you feel?' 'what happened after that?'' what would you suggest I do differently' etc.

I don't know if this will help you work through this time, but you are right, marriages and children are worth fighting for. If your wife is feeling unloved and lacks attention, why don't you buy her some flowers / chocolates / icecream / whatever on the way home, and say that you want to start again. Ask for another chance and be preapred to keep you mouth closed until she has had her say. Then, use the questioning / listening techniques outilned above - FOREVER.
Also, to make her feel loved without making her feel you have another agenda, how about holding her hand, giving her a hug every now and again? - It can make all the difference when you've had a rough day.

Hang in there, you can do it - you've already started on the right route by trying to change, to listen and try again. Good luck!

Oh yeah - also don't listen to poeple who say you are bullying etc - rubbish

Haliborange · 05/07/2010 11:14

Of course it feels manipulative.
If your DH was on MN when everything was fine, so he was using it in the same way lots of us do (entertainment value, rather than support, until something bad crops up) then that would be different.
But coming on for the first time to moan about a MN user, surely you wouldn't do that unless you were hoping your wife would see what you had posted and think "aw bless, he really is trying. I forgive him for all the shit" or maybe "oh shit, he's stalking me now, now I am scared".
I don't think it is on. Part of the niceness of MN is the feeling of anonymity. This guy has opened her mail and now he is writing about their marriage where I suspect he hopes she will see it. Boundaries being crossed left, right and centre IMHO.

bananalover · 05/07/2010 11:14

Also,if my DH posted on relationships (more likely to be in DIY section) I would feel quite flattered that he cared enough about our marriage to want advice from others on how to make it even better.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 11:15

I think she's likely to have a good idea that it's her H I'd know based on the info given. I'm not accusing the OP of being abusive, btw, I just think that this was not the best way to go about getting support. If his wife reads this thread, he's likely to find the situation deteriorating at warp speed.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 11:16
bananalover · 05/07/2010 11:17

ALSO again...my DH joined MN BEFORE I did as a SAHD.
Does that mean I am stalking HIM?