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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

197 replies

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:18

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 18:21

Delete his number and move on.

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 18:22

No no no no no
Leave well alone. Text messages have allowed socially weird oiks to enter the grown up world. At the risk of soundign harsh, grow up. Do not attempt to conduct a relationship by text. Dump him dump him dump him. Block his number and go and find yourself a man in teh real world.

Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 18:22

bin him off, delete him from your phone, facebook, email etc

find a man who does not string women along until he's ready

write it off as a bit of silly fun

he does not want to marry you, he's been keeping his options open and trying to reel you in with big promises on which he won't deliver

i could not stand being with a man who was dating other people as well but did not like me enough to commit to me alone

ZZZenAgain · 02/07/2010 18:23

it's no good, is it? You're hanging about waiting for his next move, no idea what is going on.

Keep busy

Tablefor6 · 02/07/2010 18:23

He is either married, or in a long term relationship, or just wants his cake and eat it......find someone who really does want you forever x

BelleDameSansMerci · 02/07/2010 18:23

I'm very sorry but I think this man is behaving in a very immature and selfish way. I wouldn't text him/call him/contact him at all. In all honesty, I think you should move on and forget about him. He's not treating you very nicely and you're only in the courting stage. If he wants to be with you he should be with you - not on the remote end of a text. Sorry, not trying to upset you but think you're better off without this one.

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 18:26

He is married. Stop wasting your time.

PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 18:26

Can you imagine the wedding ceremony? You'd have to serve the buffet early while you wait and see if he texts back "I do".

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:27

But could there be a good reason for the silence? If he has been seeing someone (and he has been honest about this) - could he be in the process of finishing it and things are getting difficult? The texts he sends me are so intense. I can't see the point of him talking about marriage if he has no intention of doing so. He never suggested it before. What would he gain from talking about it now?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 02/07/2010 18:28

if he is in the process of freeing himself up for you, why doesn't he tell you so?

HarijukuLover · 02/07/2010 18:28

He sounds like a complete muppet. Stay well clear.

Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 18:28

look, if he was serious , he'd be talking to you

and why in god's name would you want to be with a man who proposes marriage whilst iwth somoene else?

if he can cheat on her ,hee'll do it it to you!!

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 18:29

What can he gain? Power, trust, sex????
You are clearly blinded by him, but honestly, get rid. And do it now. And please, NOT by text. You deserve the satisfaction of telling him to shove it in person

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:29

He does seem to keep everything very close to his chest. I nearly fell out of bed with the shock when he texted about getting married. Hadn't seen that one coming at all.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 02/07/2010 18:31

you two started texting 6 weeks ago. Met how many times? Have you been to his home, seen how he lives, have you met his friends?

And he is keeping silent now whilst aiming to marry you. I don't know but it doesn't really tally up for me. Sorry.

Is he really that great then? It sounds pretty luke warm tbh

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 18:32

You need to work on your self esteem I think. Why on earth would anyone settle for a man like this?

ZZZenAgain · 02/07/2010 18:32

oh sorry you started seeing him at the beginning of the year. somehow forgot that bit.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/07/2010 18:32

Move on and forget him. You are his backup and his amusement inbetween his other relationships.

I'm sorry.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2010 18:32

It sounds like a teenage romance to me, sorry.

PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 18:33

A proposal of marriage by text is akin to being asked by a six year old when you are a kid- ie, not to be taken seriously.

ZZZenAgain · 02/07/2010 18:33

I'm just thinking how would it be to marry a man if you didn't even feel able to contact him when he is not calling/seeing you to find out what is up?

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:34

Not sure that I'm blinded by him. I always felt that there was something amiss, but couldn't put my finger on it and didn't want to point fingers until I had concrete evidence. Whereas at first when we saw each other, he never mentioned anyone else, he has since. Surely it would be more in his interests to tell me that there wasn't anybody else, not mention marriage and just try and play me? Just seems a really odd way of going about things.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 18:35

you don't even say if you love him

this is not an adult relationship.

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:35

Yes, have been to his home. No wife there!

OP posts:
HeywoodJablome · 02/07/2010 18:36

Judge him by what he does, not what he says.

Anyone can ask you to marry them, tell you that you're meant to be together etc but he has done nothing to make this happen.

He doesn't like you enough.

He's a tosspot.

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