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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

197 replies

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:18

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 19:10

I suppose what I'm trying to work out is if there could be a really genuine reason for the silence e.g. problems trying to end his relationship with this other woman etc. If he's been seeing her for a while then it could be messy.

But, I can't believe a man could be naive as to tell me he's been seeing someone else, say he wants to marry me, sleep with me, keep telling me how much he wants me and then go silent. It's fairly obvious that I could find out who she is and talk if I felt that way. I've already got a fairly good idea. Why would he risk that happening?

Wouldn't it have just been easier for him to have told me he was single and just try and play me along if he wanted an easy life?

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 19:12

why would you want to be with a man who could be unfaithful? lie ? deceive?

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 19:12

For goodness sake. He's not being naive. He is firmly in control here, can you not see that? He is being manipulative, and you are fallign for it hook line and sinker. I'm beginning to think you're on the wind up tbh

LadyintheRadiator · 02/07/2010 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 19:14

TotalChaos
It was me who got back in contact with him and he immediately responded. Not him texting me. My last words to him a few months before that were fairly terse. Think I told him to grow up and asked him if he still wanted to be on the dating scene in 30 years time.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 19:16

he's not grown up

a man who is seeing one woman and proposing to another is an immature child

wanting to make sure all bases are covered and he's not missing out on something better

LadyBiscuit · 02/07/2010 19:19

You're not really listening. But... But... But...

He's a twat. Delete his number. Seriously

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 19:21

Lulumaam and Sandybits
He has told me twice that he's been seeing someone - so there's no lies there - he's been upfront about it. He could have lied and I might have been none the wiser. I told him to go away and think about what he wanted and he immediately responded that he wanted me.

I don't know how his relationship with this person stands - whether its on its last legs or what. He really does seem very genuine when he's texting - its not sexy stuff or anything like that. It's all about feelings and marriage. If anything he comes across as quite straight-laced. I know it sounds strange.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 02/07/2010 19:22

He is a game player from the sounds of what you say... He has the need to be number 1 in your life.... He will bombard you to reach that pinnacle. Then once he's achieved what he wanted - well it's boringggggg. But he could play cool, make you play cool then try and make himself number one all over again.... An endless game unless you stop contact.

I bet you are not the only girl who he is stringing along... It boosts his confidence.

Boost yours and drop him and when the time is right you will meet a decent guy who will treat you well.

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 19:24

LadyBiscuit
I really am listening to all the advice on here, believe me. And I'm really grateful for everyone for helping me through this. I'm just one of those people who has to think of every option/eventuality before I can make a decision, because in my experience, life is never black or white.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 19:25

Go ahead and marry him, I am sure that you will be very happy. That is if you ever see him again.

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 19:26

If you enjoy this kind of attention then hey, knock yourself out. But don't be surprise dif you attract arsehole after arsehole. And yes, some things are black and white. Twattishness tends to be one of them

LadyintheRadiator · 02/07/2010 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 02/07/2010 19:31

I am trying to be gentle here as requested in your OP. If you read this thread, there isn't a single person who says that they think there might be a good reason for his silence. Because to be honest most of us have been there before or are smart enough to recognise the signs from the off (I don't include myself in the latter number incidentally). I've been where you've been and I've tried to convince myself that there is a good explanation or that he wouldn't have said X if he didn't mean it which means that Y can't possibly be true.

When you're outside the situation, it's so much clearer. Trust me. This man is a player. Please walk away now before he breaks your heart into smithereens and stamps on them. Because I promise you that is exactly what will happen if you continue to see him once he deigns to reply. And if he doesn't, then you have had a lucky escape

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 19:37

LadyintheRadiator
No, you're not invisible and I am grateful for all your comments. The thing is I don't know what this is at the moment, to know whether it could get better or worse (IYSWIM!). Sorry, I'm not making sense.

OP posts:
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 19:40

The reason I've asked people to be gentle is that I don't know whether I'm actually going to be able to walk away in a few weeks time. Things might have changed massively for me. I'm really scared.

OP posts:
lal123 · 02/07/2010 19:51

Are you pregnant?
Bit blunt but your last post asked for it!

mathanxiety · 02/07/2010 19:51

There is no rational reason for any of his behaviour.

The reason there's no rational reason for it is because it is the behaviour of someone who is seriously weird and creepy, and a long way from being normal.

Please dump this man asap and NEVER be tempted to have anything to do with him EVER again.

He sounds like a potential stalker. You need to sever ties and keep them severed. You must do this for the sake of your safety and your sanity.

When you go for counselling, please bring up this very strange relationship (which is an illusion as relationships go) and ask for help ending it if you haven't been able to by then.

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 19:52

You can call the baby Nokia

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 19:52

If you are pregnant you won't see him for dust. Sorry.

lal123 · 02/07/2010 19:54

And I don't get the timings at all? Since the beginning of the year (only 6 months ago) you've been with him, then split up and both with others, then back on?

Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 19:55

so on top of everything else, you had unprotected sex with a man who is sleeping with someone else?

get an STD and pregnancy test

and whatver you do, count him out of the equation and decide what is right for you

if in deed this is real

PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 19:55

Oh ffs.

warthog · 02/07/2010 19:56

what springs to mind is that this man is projecting onto you, then when you show signs of being a real person he goes cold.

then he manages to project the illusion again.

i think this relationship will never develop into a warm, stable, sustainable one and i think in your heart you know that too.

are you pregnant?

QueenofDreams · 02/07/2010 20:03

The title of your thread says it all. Total silence from someone who supposedly wants to marry you. Move on.

Are you pregnant? He'll move on pretty quickly if you are.