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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

197 replies

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:18

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 18:36

While you are on here trying to second-guess him, he is probably out there playing the field/cheating on his main relationship.

Seriously, delete him and go out with some mates. It's a beautiful evening!

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:39

Lulumaam - yes, I do love him. However, I went through quite a bad time after we first split up which numbed me in many respects. I then started dating men just to get over him and felt confused and upset by all of this. It has been a really difficult time.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 02/07/2010 18:40

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SandyBits · 02/07/2010 18:40

You will not find yourself in a relationship. Try being on your own for a while, it sounds as though it would do you the world of good

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/07/2010 18:41

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Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 18:42

there were reasons you broke up and i do really think that you need to feel strong and settled in yourself before even considering marriage, whether it's with him or someone else

but the fact you are not even sure whether to be with him or not and are asking for advice speaks volumes

he leaves you dangling on a string, you don't feel comfortable enough to speak to him about things and he says he wants marriage

sounds more like he was cross you were not jumping to his tune and therefore pulled a rabbit out of the hat

it's not sincere or genuine

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:42

He's 40. Yes, this is real.

I have been on my own for a while. I've been married, divorced, on my own, dated etc etc.

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 18:43

Yup, Shiney- all that patter just don't matter etc etc. I can't believe you are giving this guy the time of day.

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 18:44

He is player and TBH you should have spotted this a mile away. You are not 18ys old anymore.

Flighttattendant · 02/07/2010 18:44

Oh gosh I am so sorry. Fwiw he sounds really really odd and immature in his behaviour.

I think most people would agree you can do far better.

Can you think about the idea of just deleting all his messages, maybe changing your number and forgetting about him? Because he just sounds such a tit and I am really sad for you

LadyintheRadiator · 02/07/2010 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:45

Lulumaam
What do you mean that he was cross that I was not jumping to his tune? What do you make of the through-the-night texts? Seems a strange thing to be up to in the middle of the night.

OP posts:
SandyBits · 02/07/2010 18:46

You are staggeringly naive

Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 18:48

you joked you'd been seeing someone else, and i imagine he was a little bit miffed you were not at home pining for him

so he makes the dramatic gestures of texting through the night and then telling you he wants you to be his wife

proposal in a roundabout way by text is hardly a good omen

surely you deserved face to face and at least a bunch of flowers

MuthaHubbard · 02/07/2010 18:48

he's probably drunk when he texts in the middle of the night.

he is a knob who likes playing games - could you really imagine yourself married to someone like this??

Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 18:49

"He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx."

he says you should be his wife, but he was seeing someone else

how clearer can it be that he is not really up for a committed monogamous relationship?

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 18:50

Unless those "through the night texts" are on par with the prose of Shakepeare they can be summarised as follows - bored witterings of a player. They have no value.

Why do you seem determined to see more into this "relationship" than there really is?

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/07/2010 18:53

I always felt that there was something amiss, but couldn't put my finger on it and didn't want to point fingers until I had concrete evidence.

You shouldn't feel like this at the start of a new relationship.

LadyintheRadiator · 02/07/2010 18:56

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Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:59

But do all relationships start with both people being single and absolutely commitment free?

I'm stunned by the talk of marriage from him. Never saw that coming at all. Surely he'd have to be really foolish to start talking about marrying me, tell me that he's been seeing someone - when he must realise that I could work out who just by having a good look through his Facebook friends?

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 02/07/2010 19:02

for me, they have to.

i can't believe someone can fully commit and develop a relationship if they're with someone else

it smacks of wanting to have your cake and eat it

they like you but not enough to ditch the back up plan

not nice

do you WANT to marry him? really? spend the rest of your life with him>

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 19:02

Facebook and texts. Is it half term already children?
Do grow up, the teenage stuff is not becoming of a grown woman

PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 19:03

Yes, he'd have to be foolish. I think we have established that that is indeed the case. This thread has been pretty unanimous- does that not tell you something?

Oh what the hell- yeah, go for it, marry him (if he shows up). You can be the new Kerry Katona.

TotalChaos · 02/07/2010 19:06

it's not even the single/commitment free stuff that's the problem - it's that every so often he texts you and you end up coming running. it's imbalanced and unhealthy. forget him.

LadyintheRadiator · 02/07/2010 19:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.