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Original poster

Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

197 replies

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:18

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 02/07/2010 20:04

He sounds so immature (and a player).

I'm assuming you think you are pregnant. If he's this unreliable in the first 6 months, I can't imagine how it's going to work out.

I really don't understand if you are in a grown-up relationship, why you can't just RING him not text and ask him what's going on?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2010 20:07

Have met so many internet "players" in my time (when I was young and naive I must add) and he is just a carbon copy.

Jenbot · 02/07/2010 20:09

Why haven't you called him?

Original poster
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 20:16

I suppose I'm waiting and looking for a sign or a gesture from him that he's sincere about what he's said - because if he wants to marry me, he'll come to me. I'm not going to force his hand. I have to know that he came because he wanted to, not because I texted and rang and asked him.

Yes, I have all the signs of being pregnant. Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
lal123 · 02/07/2010 20:17

If he wants to marry you he'll come to you???? This can't be real??

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 20:19

If you aren't mature enough to speak to the father of a potential baby then you aren't mature enough to have said baby.

Original poster
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 20:19

Warthog - yes, the projection idea has crossed my mind before.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 02/07/2010 20:20

Have you done a pregnancy test? Can I ask how old you are?

mathanxiety · 02/07/2010 20:20

He's not sincere. He's a nutjob.

You are behaving like Rapunzel in the fairy tale. Or Cinderella, or any of those pathetic, waiting princesses.

Take a pregnancy test and deal with reality, and get this very strange man out of your life.

verytellytubby · 02/07/2010 20:25

Oh just phone him. How old are you?

Original poster
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 20:27

lal123 and SandyBits
I just feel that when I have tried to contact him in the past it's all gone wrong. I've told him that I want to be with him when he said about marriage. He knows where I live, he knows my number. I just have to see some kind of sign of him putting all his words into action and taking the initiative and coming here and talking to me if he really does want to be my husband.

What do I do? Turn up on his doorstep and ask him where my ring is? (He shares a house with a few other men). I just have no clue how to deal with this. I couldn't deal with rejection the way I feel now physically and emotionally. I keep imagining turning up and this other woman being there and me blubbering on the doorstep about marriage and pregnancy. I just don't know what to do. That's why I'm just sitting tight. I may be making the biggest mistake ever doing it this way, but I just can't see a way out.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 02/07/2010 20:28

Don't think he's married but he does sound like a classic EA
Google emotional abuse and see for yourself.

SandyBits · 02/07/2010 20:28

You are makign a fool of yourself. On here and irl. Grow a pair. And chuck out the bloody phone.

Original poster
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 20:29

I'm 40 too. That doesn't mean I have all the answers to how to deal with this situation though.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 02/07/2010 20:31

The answers have all been given in those thread - heed them

caramelwaffle · 02/07/2010 20:32

*given in this thread

SherbetDibDab · 02/07/2010 20:32

He's telling you about the other woman to flatter you. He'd so much rather be with you, he's willing to ditch is current relationship.

She may or may not exist. There may be several of her. If he was serious, you'd know. You'd be his soul mate and he'd have properly discussed it with you.

I hope you are OK.

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 20:33

You need to do a pregnancy test. You could pop out to a supermarket now and do the test as soon as you get home.

You are not even in a relationship with this man. You need to prepare for a life as a single mother.

You need to explore the reasons behind you zero self esteem. The whole thread sounds like some dreamy 14 yr old girl who has just had her first kiss and not a 40 yr old woman who has actually had some proper relationships.

Original poster
Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 20:39

I'm not dreamy, just a bit stunned by it all and my head is all over the place just trying to take it all in and make decisions. My stomach is all over the place too.

OP posts:
lal123 · 02/07/2010 20:44

Why would you want to marry him? I'm certainly not suggesting that you contact him and ask where your ring is! Its just that you sound a bit like my 6 year old daughter when she falls out with her friend and says "well, if she wants to play with me she'll come up".

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/07/2010 20:46

I'm not going to force his hand. I have to know that he came because he wanted to, not because I texted and rang and asked him.

This is so sad. You are thinking of marriage and a baby with a man you can't even phone? Jesus woman. Get a test, then decide whether or not you can handle being a single mother if it's positive because this guy sure isn't going to come up with the goods.

He doesn't want to marry you. He's playing you. You act aloof and it feeds his ego and he has to pursue him until you are flattered into sleeping with him, without a condom , then he gets bored and goes back to one of his other women he keeps around to feed his ego. My god, don't you understand that if people like or love someone they show it? By being there, not playing games and not disappearing for days with no contact.

I'm also shocked at how poor your self esteem is that you don't mind if he's currently 'trying' to break up with someone. After all, texts take a minute to send, nobody can't find a minute to text their future wife no matter what else is going on.

BelleDameSansMerci · 02/07/2010 20:47

FWIW I don't think he is talking marriage. I think he was joking and/or reeling you in and you're hearing what you want to hear.

PortiaNovmerriment · 02/07/2010 20:50

Are you going ahead with the pregnancy? Because your options start running out the longer you hang around for this loser. He isn't going to marry you, and you won't see any money from him. It sounds harsh, but it's reality I'm afraid.

caramelwaffle · 02/07/2010 20:52

People who want to get married/have a relationship just Get On With It

scruffymomma · 02/07/2010 20:54

Oh dear, I'm sorry that you've been mucked around (because you have been, even if you don't realise it)

BUT if you are pregnant things are about to get VERY black and white VERY quickly.

This "relationship" has got off to a very bad start and doesn't bode well, it's worrying that you seem quite unable or unwilling to see that. You say you've had some tough times which might make straight thinking quite hard but just to give you some context; within 6 months of meeting my now DH, I had moved in with him, met all of his family and friends and we were planning our future together (though not yet engaged)

You should just KNOW if a relationship feels right and good, similarly you should just KNOW if it feels bad, shaky and based on a lot of empty, unfulfilled promises - which this appears to be.

Tell him you think you're pregnant and I bet you'll suddenly see how serious he is about marriage - sadly, I'm sure you will not hear from him again.

Now, please take steps to sort yourself out and deal with the implications of your likely pregnancy. DO NOT take this man into consideration when thinking about this. You need to take responsibility for this yourself.

Good luck

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