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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

197 replies

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:18

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Sweeedes · 04/07/2010 09:42

I suppose could be wrestling with an acute attack of commitment phobia hence the silence. Isn't it revealinf (possibly?) that he's over 40 and lives with a bunch of blokes? Has he ever been in a serious long term relationship?

Look after yourself and good luck.

Lulumaam · 04/07/2010 09:43

forget the other woman ! what do you want from her??

bin him off, do the test, if it is 2 weeks since the unprotected sex and then sort your head out

and hve an STD check up too

you are coming across more bothered about some other woman than the shitty way he has treated you, that you have allowed him to continue doing to you

you owe him nothing.
if you are pregnant, then you can decide what to do , count him out of it

he has played what he thought was his trump card and is now bricking it that he'll actually have to committ to you for ever and he is shit scared

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:43

Sandybits
What has really stuck into me is that he was sending me texts in the middle of the night after we broke up saying that I had broken his heart and heaping all the blame on me for the break up. But looking back through all his texts and working out all the dates on his Facebook, he'd actually already met her. And there was me agonising over what I'd done wrong. Just can not believe this.

I'm sure he's been saying the same stuff to her too. If someone had given me a heads up on his behaviour when I was seeing him, I'd have been grateful.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 04/07/2010 09:44

morally I can't see the point in you contacting the other woman - you have slept with him and been discussing marriage knowing full well he was in a relationship with another .

SandyBits · 04/07/2010 09:47

Fr goodness sake woman get a grip. I have a friend I send texts to in the middle of the night. It generally means I can't sleep and am bored. I am shocked at your naivety. This thread is terrible. It's like a car crash. I know I shouldn't look, but I just can't help it. If this is true, which I am increasingly doubting, you need to grow up, and fast. How can one get to 40 and behave like this? No kidding, I'm 26 and would have run a fricking mile. But by the sounds of it, I have about a tonne more self respect than you, not to mention sense

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:47

TotalChaos
He was indicating that the relationship was ending/over. Friends of mine had also said that he had taken stuff about his relationship with her off his Facebook. You can also see on his page how he keeps being friends again with her - as if they have split up a few times and got back together a few times.

OP posts:

SandyBits · 04/07/2010 09:48

Anyone who uses facebook to advertise their dysfunctional relationships should be shot imo.

Lulumaam · 04/07/2010 09:49

you've just described your own relationship with him, in the OW's relationship with him!!

you have very little insight!

is it two weeks or more since the unprotected sex? if so, you would most likely get an accurate result from a pregnancy test

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:52

I agree with you Sandybits on the Facebook stuff.

It's easier for everyone to see it clearly now, however at the time, I thought we'd got back together and he kept texting about marriage and his feelings. So everything felt right. Before that there was no discussion of marriage and we used protection.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:53

Lulumaam
I just need to leave it a few more days for the test.

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 04/07/2010 09:54

but you knew then he was seeing other women.

this is ludicrous

now, what are you going to do?

you need to take control and make some practical steps

Lulumaam · 04/07/2010 09:55

how long do you have to wait for the test?

if you are not ready to test, the nausea and upset tummy are not pregnancy related

and what about , for the 5th time, an STD test

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:57

Lulumaam
The impression I had was that he was finishing or had just finished a relationship and this was confirmed by people telling me about how he'd removed stuff about his relationship from Facebook.

I've got to wait to confirm the pregnancy. I can't change that at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:59

Lulumaam
Yes, I will do the other tests, once I have done the pregnancy one.

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 04/07/2010 10:02

why would you consider marriage to a man you've not even lived with, who has been chronically unfaithful and not even hidden it from you?

i would stake my house on the following -

you stay with him, he cheats, you find out, he says, ' well, you knew what i was like when you met me..' and you spend the rest of your life in abject misery, competing against a string of other women

and anyone over the age of 15 who puts their relationship woes on facebook or proposes by text is not worth a second of your time.

DuelingFanjo · 04/07/2010 10:09

have you emailed his girlfriend, seriously?
I think to involve her now when you have so much to think about yourself and don't even know if you are pregnant yet is a little extreme.

What good will come of it? You may not even be pregnant at all and be able to walk away with your head held high and put it down to a bad experience.

If this was me I would have tested allready or is it really very early? Do you know your cycle at all and how soon is soon?

FellatioNelson · 04/07/2010 11:30

I can't understand people who say they think they are or might be pregnant, and start worrying/planning about it, and talking as is they are pregnant, before they've even done a test. They are extremely qucik and accurate these days - no need to even wait to be late.

I am dumbfounded that a 40 year old man is broadcasting bulletins about his shabby chaotic lovelife on FB. That you need to look on FB to try and make sense of what's going on between you and him is a sorry tale indeed.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/07/2010 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 12:01

Lulumaam
When I was with him at the beginning of the year, I thought we were in an 'exclusive' relationship. It looks as if he started seeing her during the time he was seeing me and that's why he dropped me all of a sudden. But he told me that I had broken his heart etc (which never really made sense to me). Then he was back in contact with me after we finished saying that he couldn't get me out of his head. I told him to take a hike. Then we started talking a few weeks ago and he indicated that things were finishing/ over with the woman he was with, that he wanted to be with me because he couldn't stop thinking about me and then he started all the marriage stuff.

It's not a case of me going into it knowing he's with other women etc.

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 04/07/2010 12:06

When is your period due? What point in your cycle when you had sex? I don't understand why you haven't answered that question.

I think it's highly unlikely you would get MS if you're so early you can't test yet as someone else said.

Have you ever been pregnant before? Do you want to be pregnant? I get the feeling you do somehow

Sorry for all the questions but I think if we can help you stop worrying about that then you might be able to move on

Original poster

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 12:20

I've got about a week until my period is due, but they were a bit all over the place before now. The leaflet says to test on the first day of when my period is due.

Yes, I have been pregnant before. And I remember the odd feelings in my stomach - quite unmistakeable.

I don't know anymore what I want. That's the problem. My emotions are everywhere at the moment. I think maybe by emailing her I'm psychologically finishing it with him, which will allow me to get on with sorting the rest of it out. If he was still on the scene, I'd be doubting my judgement and not making decisions.

OP posts:

StayFrosty · 04/07/2010 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 04/07/2010 12:53

Heartaflutter -

If you think you are pregnant do a test. That's the only way you'll find out - none of us can tell you.

The tone of your posts is quite bizarre - you sound more like a silly teenager mooning about than a woman of 40 who has already had serious relationships.

Lulumaam · 04/07/2010 13:18

despite what he has said, his actions speak louder

if you are one week post unprotected sex it is v v unlikely you are experiencing morning sixkness or other symtoms

perhaps periods are over the place because you are 40 and possibly peri menopausal?

unavailable · 04/07/2010 13:27

Heartaflutter - In your OP, you asked for advice on what to do next. You have been offered a good deal of sound advice - all along the same lines. It's clearly not what you want to hear.

If you didnt want sensible, impartial advice why did you post?

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