Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

[Heartaflutter]

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

Heartaflutter it is lovely to feel needed and loved and wanted. We all appreciate this desire.
Do you feel cherished when you're with him? Do you feel like he's there for you all times, every time? Do you feel like no matter what you said he'd understand where you're coming from and while maybe not agreeing with you, would want to find a way to compromise so you're happy? Do you think he'd be a good father, kind and loving and doting on your children?
Men are strange creatures, it is true. Some of them are incurably shy and find it hard to express themselves so they do it in different ways then is 'typical.' (My dh is like this and indeed he proposed via MSN- but after I realised he was serious, he called and we talked, and then he came over as soon as he could and reiterated it all again. He was so worried I'd say no or even hesitate he couldn't ask me in person.) But when they want you, truly want you, then no matter what there is nothing for them.
They text you day and night when they're far away. They call. They come over. They make sure that they get every waking moment with you and when they're not with you they're thinking of you.
Does this sound like your man?

bebemoohatessnot - no, it doesn't.

But at the moment , I don't know what the hell to do.

BelleDameSansMerci
I never mentioned or indicated marriage once. Never even up for discussion. Literally, texts out of the blue from him about it. It was on his mind, not mine.

Taking a pregnancy test would be a good place to start?

Yes, I am going to do that tomorrow lal123. Thanks. My stomach is in a terrible way at the moment.

I would suggest a pregnancy test and a GP appointment, and go to any counselling they might offer to help you decide what to do. I don't think you can expect this bloke to offer you much, to be frank, and you should bear that in mind. If by some lucky stroke of fate you aren't pregnant, then you should sort out some reliable contraception if you think you are likely to succumb to somebody like him bullshitting you in the future. But I really hope that you are a bit wiser than that.

would being pregnant be a good or a bad thing for you? Assuming that this bloke isn't going to be on the scene would you be happy to be pregnant?

I would be happy to be pregnant if I were in a committed relationship. Doesn't look like that's going to be the case. I can't believe that he hasn't realised what may have happened.

Right then do as suggested. ...
Preggy test first. Then follow on with the GP either for appt to the MW or to get some contraception. Both are good steps to a positive life.

Keep yourself on the positive road you were on before things started with him again. Remember how great you felt? In control and going somewhere good. Recapture that, you had it before him so you know you don't need him to feel that way which is a big step for some people but you're already there!

Lots of hugs.

Some signs he's just not that into you.

He has flattered you after a casual meeting, a total FB coincidence. He has appealed to your vanity by telling you how much he needs you, and he has played with your heart by holding out the very unreal hope of a much deeper relationship, while at the same time hanging up on you, breaking dates, and is now maintaining radio silence after what was essentially a booty call (that may have left you pregnant).

He has played you with the silences, the texting out of the blue, the expressions of need and desire. It's a game to him. He's a player. You are not special in any way to this man.

Good luck with your test tomorrow. I really think you've had good advice on this thread. It's not the relationship a 40 year old woman should have. He's playing games with you. You need to wise up and heed everyone's words.

Thanks.

but being pregnant isn't necessarily a bad thing! Embrace it if you want a baby

Heart, why can't you believe that he may not have realised that you are possibly pregnant? (apart from the fact that you've had unprotected sex)

You and he have a very opaque and limited way of communicating, I doubt either of you are coming at this relationship from anything like the same angle.

I think you need to work at setting a few minimum standards of behaviour that you're willing to accept and are also capable of offering

e.g:

Protected sex only
No important conversations by text
or in the middle of the night
take new relationships at a steady pace
general levels of respect and trust
establishing pretty early on whether or not you are really in a relationship or just dating

hope you get some clarity with the test tomorrow

(and in case you think I'm being overly harsh, I was sucked in by a similar sounding guy when I was much younger)

You can't believe he doesn't realise what might have happened? eh? Why should he realise you may be pregnant?

lal123 - because we always used protection before.

What age are you both?

This makes you sound like teenagers in a first and very confused 'love'

Delete his number.

How can I just delete his number if I might be pregnant by him?

Just tried sleeping but feel too sick.

My bet is that he is sleeping.

He probably knows the facts of life just as you do. It must have occurred to him that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy.

What kind of contraception have you and he used in the past? Is there any way he could claim he thought you were on the pill or something?

If you're pregnant you won't see this man for dust

We always used a condom when we were first seeing each other. He was scrupulous about this.

Been up for most of the night. Nausea and diarrohea.

you need an STD test too.

get a pregnancy test

then you phone him if you are pregnant and tell him

i don't think you should marry him, baby or not, and you have to decide if you can be a single mum

the silence from him is because he is not serious and does not want to marry you and has no idea how to deal with the reality of a proposal

Thanks. In the cold light of day this is all looking very clear.

are you going to do a pg test?

Yes. Been up all night nauseous and diarrohea. Felt totally knocked sideways by the nausea this morning, couldn't even swallow a mouthful of breakfast. Taking it slowly trying to get myself together now. Feel totally daunted by it all.

I've seen this other woman's picture on FB and wondered whether to contact her and tell her what he's been doing and where I am with all of this now. I've no doubt she'd have her own story to tell too. Can't believe he has gone silent after everything he has said.