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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Total silence now from someone who said they wanted to marry me

197 replies

Heartaflutter · 02/07/2010 18:18

Please be careful with me.

I started seeing someone at the beginning of the year that I used to go to school with years ago. We met on Facebook after all these years.

Things were very intense and he kept telling me how perfect I was for him, not to leave him, not to break his heart etc. However, he kept turning up late and on more than one occasion just very quickly put the phone down on me in the middle of a telephone conversation (as if someone had just come in the room). He'd always explain this as work etc (being late from work/ someone talking to him about work etc).

It ended with a sort of argument with him simply texting me that he was too tired to go out one night (about an hour before we were due to go out). I tried to sort out with him what was happening between us but he didn't seem keen to discuss. Just started texting me in the middle of the night telling me that I'd broken his heart, how sad he was and how he'd been crying. He then started sending me odd boyish rude jokes which I decided to ignore - and we drifted apart.

About 6 weeks later he texted me out of the blue and after a massive exchange of texts, he asked if I was seeing someone and whether we could be 'friends.' I made a sort of joke about "Only one? Well, I've been seeing quite a few actually." A day later he texted me in the middle of the night saying that he had been seeing someone, but couldn't get me out of his mind. I responded that I wouldn't play second best to anyone, didn't stay friends with exs and that he needed to work out what he wanted. No response.

I went out with someone else after that, but it didn't work out. I tried dating others but just felt really fed up with it all. Everything seemed to start going wrong in my life and I went to my doctor and went on anti-depressants with counselling about to start in a few weeks time. Things have felt much brighter since I've been on the antidepressants and I started to feel more confident about myself.

In a moment of weakness, I sent him a text a few weeks ago and he responded immediately. We met up for coffee and it was all very strange and I remember laughing to my friend afterwards how funny it was to meet someone that you once felt so strongly about, but suddenly it was as if all that pressure had been lifted. He kept trying to keep me at the coffee place chatting and I kept excusing myself to go. Then he started texting me telling me how great I'd looked, how he'd been thinking of me etc. He said he'd been seeing someone. I said he needed to make up his mind what he wanted. He responded that he wanted me.

Then the through-the-night texts started "You should be with me" "I miss you" etc etc.. Then he started saying that I should be his wife and calling me by his surname: Mrs xxxx.

We met up for a drink and his cousins were there, one of whom briefly commented how special I must be to him and how we looked like lovebirds. We ended up sleeping together again after all these months and he stayed the night.

Since then, he's been texting saying how he thinks about me all the time, wants to be with me, wants to be with me etc and asking whether we can "really be together." I said yes.

Now silence - for 2 days. I sent him a romantic text - no response. Absolute silence.

I haven't a clue what to do for the best.

OP posts:
librium · 03/07/2010 12:36

good luck x

SlobbyBOB · 03/07/2010 12:57

Move on and forget him. You are his backup and his amusement inbetween his other relationships.

I'm sorry.

This.^^

There is probably a mirror of you, he is saying the same things to.

Have you stayed at his place though?.

I really think you are one of a few.

antoinettechigur · 03/07/2010 13:22

Do PG test.

He is a player. He wants to know that he can have you, but doesn't actually want a relationship with you. He doesn't want to deal with real life in a relationship. Ask yourself if he wants to get married, and you want to get married, why aren't the two of you having lunch and chatting about the wedding? You are not in a relationship.

Don't take it personally because it is all about him, not about you. You are just unlucky.

Get some soup or something into you and try to forget him. Stop looking at facebook. Think about what you want from life and a relationship. Try to see this as a new beginning. Then when the chance of a real, healthy relationship comes along you will recognise it.

FellatioNelson · 03/07/2010 14:50

Dear God. I may be very very old, but a relationship that seems to largely consist of texts, is not a relationship. This guy sounds childish and egotistical and confused. I'd leave well alone and find an actual human to have a relationship with - not a mobile phone.

Rocklover · 03/07/2010 15:24

Buy, the book "He's just not that into you", it'll explain everything. Then forget him.

wifyhome · 03/07/2010 16:05

hes messing you around girl! delete his number, and off the facebook and get on with your life!

FellatioNelson · 03/07/2010 17:06

He's keeping you dangling for when he wants a booty call. He's stringing you along - just delete his number. This is textbook 'player' behaviour.

DuelingFanjo · 03/07/2010 17:18

did you do a test?

When you had sex with him did you have any idea if you were in the fertile part of your cycle. Maybe, if not, you are worrying about nothing?

mathanxiety · 03/07/2010 20:30

Diarrhoea does not usually accompany morning sickness, afaik.

Heartaflutter · 03/07/2010 23:13

I have been to his place.

It's too early to do the pregnancy test according to the instructions, so I've got to wait a short while.

Apparently diarrohea can accompany cramps (which I've been getting) in the early stages of pregnancy.

Whatever the outcome of all of this, I will be contacting the other woman to tell her what's happened. Just can't help feeling that she has been strung along too (and as others have commented, perhaps others). From what I can see, she is on her own with a child.

Not sure if I can trust my judgement anymore when it comes to men after this.

OP posts:
antoinettechigur · 03/07/2010 23:30

Diarrohea can accompany lots of things, including stress. Do try to be patient and not second-guess the result.

This man has played your feelings and your desires, but not all men are like that.

You'll learn from this and it will mean your next relationship can be better. When it is right, there shouldn't be angst, confusion or drama. You should be able to just be together.

DuelingFanjo · 03/07/2010 23:37

when is your period due?

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 05:49

Soon DuelingFanjo.

Just can't believe that he is a player. Although, it's getting clearer and clearer that that is exactly what he is. All the things he said and it was all just bull.

OP posts:
scrab806ble · 04/07/2010 07:18

Soon? 2 days, 2 weeks? Massive difference given we are talking about monthly cycle. Hope it works out for the best for you Heart, whatever that is...

cluckyduck · 04/07/2010 07:31

If you're having strong symptoms now I'd be tempted to test. When did you sleep with him, how many weeks ago?

Sweeedes · 04/07/2010 07:47

LOL at calling the baby Nokia.

overmydeadbody · 04/07/2010 08:08

Op why can't you believe he's a player?

He has all the classic signs. How do you think players get to 'play'? They do it by saying what women want to hear in order to shag them.

He only wanted you while you weren't interested, while he thought you where seeing other men. The minute you confirmed that you wanted to be with him he lost interest.

I cannot believe you had unprotected sex.

HanBanan · 04/07/2010 08:29

He's full of shit

You're only going to get seriously hurt by this one. Sounds like a compulsive liar to me.

Sorry. Not your fault. Some peopel are just weird!!!!

Anniegetyourgun · 04/07/2010 08:34

Am I the only one who suspected he asked his cousin to say "how special I must be to him"? Maybe I'm just terminally suspicious.

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:30

Anniegetyourgun
Well, I'm just about to stand up for myself and email his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:30

...or the girlfriend that I know about...

OP posts:
SandyBits · 04/07/2010 09:32

Forget the flipping girlfriend, get yourself booked in for a coil fitting and do it tomorrow. This is unbelievable. Whatever happened to face to face talking eh? And leave the girlfriend alone. All you will do is look like a nutter.

differentnameforthis · 04/07/2010 09:33

Maybe he has realised that you could be pregnant & that is why the silence?

Really don't think you should waste any more time on him. Take a test. Tell him if it is + & if you are planning on keeping it, tell him that he can be as involved as he likes.

If it is neg, learn from this experience & move on. Without this man.

Heartaflutter · 04/07/2010 09:36

Just trying to think what would be a good opener. Sure she's not going to believe it. Looking at her photos she looks quite nice, but naive. Although, I'm sure people on here will say that that is a good description of me. I sat down this morning and worked out loads of dates and times and everything makes sense now. I don't think he's a player (as in loads of woman), I think he's been two-timing and running between us both. Well, that's what I think at the moment...

OP posts:
SandyBits · 04/07/2010 09:38

Seriously, you need to leave it alone. What does it achieve apart from you looking unhinged?? And why on earth did you not get the morning after pill? From someone who purports to be 40, you sure don't sound it