ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Oh yes my H did that everytime I got paranoid. I think its called gas lighting. Lundy Bancroft? Never heard of that.

So where did he claim he was supposed to be living all this time?

he definately started believing the lies but my counsellor said that to me back in nov,he grinned at me and said "Tough hes an alcoholic ffs he lies to you, he lies to himself ,he doesnt know what the truth is anymore .....and you want to be with this guy why?"

oh well i have 2 beautiful dcs and a door with x3 new locks on it !

Good for you. Definitely time to move on with your life with your gorgeous DCs.

def gaslighting tea,google the lundy book all about abusive behaviour and how they truly think they are entitled .the quote i use most is "The opposite of abuse is respect" suddenly i realised i had been disrespected for 15yrs.i know that sounds sad but ur in a circle of abuse ,you think its your fault they get cross then they charm you and you coast along for a while til the next time,he will always be my kryptonite,i need to move fast on divorce to get away from him.its a powerful attraction thing someone would be able to explain it better but he truly cast a spell on me,i nearly fell for it,basically he didnt want the familly life but he didnt want to lose it either just wanted to pop in and enjoy the fun bits before he went to the pub

Can i also say that although they are the person in your life that causes you the most hurt and distress ,the abuser is also the one who comforts you and gives you the biggest" everything is going to be alright" fuzzy feeling that is how they keep you ,everything is forgiven and you are truly happy because you think it must have been you that caused it because they tell you ,you did ie after an episode the classic "are you due your period " question,you think you are irrational because of your hormones and he gives you a hug sayin he forgives your outburst.
only real consolation my counsellor gave me was that they only go for strong women ,thats the attraction because they are weak.

Happy I live in Hertfordshire ! I long to tell dcs that ow was in the picture before he left out of sheer spite but I think they know really because I had a screaming fit at him in middle of night and threw him out when I found text. Its never been talked about but I guess things like that dont slip your mind. Think you should just bide your time dont force dcs to see BE - how f**cking annoying is it that we spend our time smoothing the way for exhs and dcs for the sake of the latter.

Tough sorry to hear you are having bad time .Yes you summed it up for me too exh went to Golf Club drinking every single night and at weekends because he went to work and I didnt SO he was entitled to do it that I put up with it.

Tea your post about your exh stringing you along like that defied belief . Like Armbow spent years trying to be wife thought was wanted but at least was within the marriage your exh sounds spineless and without morals. You have to be better off without him.

Dcs with exh this weekend (does take time to be enjoyable Armbow but you will get there) and have been in London with my sister at an art exhibition and she treated me to a fab lunch so am enjoying respite from my horrid week

Mmm Glad you had a nice day Getting, Hertfordshire, not so far then.

Funny thing is that I always felt that DCs should know about OW but they weren't told for ages because XH has got no backbone felt it wasn't necessary. He then told me he had told them and clearly, it turns out now, was vague enough in what he said for them to assume that it wasn't happening while he was here. FFS, he knew her for over a year before he left here. I didn't want to tell DCs at all but now have ended upon having to as DS was saying something to me about XH that was so not true that I couldn't let it go - and then it all came out. Even now, I am trying to reassure DS, to try and make it easier for his relationship with XH. Honestly, I want to scream, I now have XH going on at me and I just don't want anything to do with the twunt. I'll just ignore him I think.

Oooo Getting I'm in Herts too.

Yes my H is a swine! But same as Maybee's though they charm you. But divorce is ticking along now...

I expect my H when the kids are older, will try and water down the truth to look like a "good" daddy and try and twist it to make him not look as bad.

Ignore ignore ignore him

like your new name Tough - it is strange because I was thinking of changing my name to Pheonix (on here not in RL !!! )

also in a moment of madness i thought that i could have a tattoo of a pheonix hidden somewhere on my person (only a v small tattoo though cos i am a wimp !!! ) but this was a about 1am this morning !!

Tea - i was made to keep asking h if he loved me he kept telling me he did but "could i please stop asking him as he was finding it boring going over the same stuff all the time." i felt i had to ask him though becuase he never showed it in any way

Hmm, tattoos not for me, but some of the dumplings have been keen.

Think there is already a phoenix though

can i just add i think my x will truly self destruct now

"could i please stop asking him as he was finding it boring going over the same stuff all the time"

yes i thought of a celtic snake ,it symbolises rebirth,shedding the old skin.

I truly hope that doesn't happen Maybees but from what you say he needs to make some personal choices now about what he wants to do and how he wants to behave. Are you going to keep your distance?

yep i had that too armbow did yours scowl at the same time ,they are just wanting to relax and unwind poor souls they have been working hard....they are not there to calm your insecurities ffs they are only there to put the insecurities in place

Well whatever you do Tougher, don't step in or try and help as he self destructs, after all these years it'll be hard, but time that he hit rock bottom, perhaps he'll finally have a reality check and sort his life out? Possibly but either way you move on with your life.

can i just say i do not want that either happy and i pray for him,but yes i need to start divorce proceedings. i need to only communicate re finances and access for dcs he is a charmer.

Do you think Starting has abandonned us for Match.com? I used to like her.

Stay strong Maybees, do some prep work on the divorce front and also let the dust settle after the trauma you've had over the last 24 hours or so

i was thinking that too

Ah ffs I've missed comparison of twats night which is such a pity considering mine was the twatest of them all .

Tough, sorry to hear how things have progressed for you. Allow yourself time to heal & then you will come bouncing back as feisty dumpling you are. Please do not waste any energy worrying about him self destructing. I wasted a lot of time worrying about that v same thing with xh. You might recall some of my posts when there were concerns he'd be found dead. These creatures have an amazing ability to pull themselves together.

What can I say to the rest of you except been there done that got the tee-shirt!

Armbow, I had suggested a dumpling tattoo some time back & had indeed thought a phoenix might be suitable. Tough suggested a snake & then I moved to considering an angel . Don't think any of us have taken the plunge as of yet so maybe you will lead the field .

Happy, you were in a no win situation with xh. Dammed if you do dammed if you don't. Suggest you put your phone to silent & ignore!

Tea, I don't know about these men going on to give a watered down version to dc's when they're older. Maybe I've gone a bit cynical over the past week but I think a lot of these men will prob eventually move on from ow & then there will be another followed by another etc & I think dc's will be able to figure it out for themselves.

Getting, glad you managed to have a nice day out with your sis today.

Had a lovely day at beach today with dc's .

Had to confess my splurge on her credit card to my mother today.

xp happy ,i just dont think he will change now happy,i truly think a leopard doesnt change its spots they just come up with more elaborate lies.Tea i will just assume the DETATCHMENT stance once more ,i have broken the cycle i just want out now.

I am not distraught like last night just learned so much today about the last 6 mths i need to end the mental cruelty,his health is no longer my problem ,i didnt cause it,i cant control it and i cannot cure it.He is my X i no longer have to catch him when he falls.

Oh ye dumplings of little faith............. I was feeding & bathing dc's after day at beach. I did not even peek a glance at the Match place since last night..... Will save that till we're bored .

Tough, ffs DO NOT wait for him to hit rock bottom! I waited & waited & waited...........fucker is still swinging along (get the joke ).

clearing up confusion ....if it sounded like i gave a fuck re self destruct...more like stating a fact