ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Getting ...was looking for a career change ,had an idea,saw old disused premises i thought wouldnt cost too much to rent,spoke to rl friends over tea and wagon wheels ,went to business start up place with kids in tow for impromptu meeting,started sourcing info online,friend sent me live your dreams book,which actually helps you to see if youre in the right place ,now all i have to do are lots of numbers etc to be able to go to meeting and convince people i can make a profit.Part of the book says starting a business is like having a baby the making it is the easy bit and the nurturing and aftercare is the tough bit.We will see what happens but im having fun ATM ,need to secure premises and do profit and loss etc but got 2 weeks to gather info then lots of folk to help you.Def look into things Getting if you have a dream just think working for myself and making a profit is a lovely positive thing and keeps me out of trouble ATM but all about doin homework so its realistic x

Excellent starting! It was that chocolate that did it?

Hope you get a snog on holiday Startin'Take ur rose quartz mate !

ladies, i need your help. have gone to absolute pieces this afternoon on arrival home from work. totally made a fucking cock of myself. crying and sobbing he stood there looking at me if i was something he wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. i need booze and words of encouragement.

Beebers sending you a ((hug)) I'm sure Starting can share her chocolate with you too

Tbh your partner sounds like an absolute rotter after everything he's done and you deserve far far better. You must be hurting so much right now Do not accept any blame he tries to aportion on you here and do not allow him to dictate how you feel about yourself and self esteem. You're a good, decent woman and you do not deserve this!

Keep sharing, keep typing tonight and let it all out and we'll all do our best to encourage you x

Did you see my post at 19:53 Beebers?

Now is probably not the time to read it but do look at it when feeling calmer x

Beebers do you have anyone in RL you could chat to tonight? In addition to us that could help. Things often see worse in the eve I think - in fact I have vowed never to talk on the phone with XH in the eve again. Too many drama memories.
If you're feeling totally fed up I'm wondering whether a trip to the GP could help too - may be helpful.
Beebers dig deep - when you're really fed up what works for you?

thank you teaandcake, i get in from work at 8 so just read it now.

he told me 'not to phone unless it was an emergency' so i didn't but he phoned the kids, was in bad reception area so i called back and eastern european type woman spoke in tongues at me obv. saying phone could not connect.

i challenged him and he said he refused to talk to me when 'i was like this' i promptly went to shit over the weekend. i asked him tonight why he lied and he said he never lied its none of my business what he does as we are not together. i don't think he was with his mate as he suggests, i asked him to just be honest but he refuses to admit there is someone else.

i am trying to be strong, but i am a mess. i am shouting at the kids and they are eating crap as well. mostly i am smoking and drinking latte's. i just feel like utter crap. every time i think i have turned a corner osmething happens that puts me right back to square one. i keep saying to him you are making me like this but he does not see it he basicaly says i'm mental and undignified.

Beebers, so sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Fwiw I don't think there's anything wrong with crying, you're expressing your pain & it's more normal to feel like you do then to waltz away whistling dixie from a long term relationship with dc's. To me this shows there's more wrong with your xp emotionally then there is with you. What you are feeling is normal & you need to be v gentle & give yourself time to grieve for the relationship that died, along with your dreams for the future. Have you a rl friend that could keep you company tonight?? If not stay on here & vent away. I'd be careful about hitting the booze too much.

Tea, I acutally found a big tin of roses last night behind my dryer that must have fallen down at xmas time . The dc's are still up, we're watching spiderman & eating chocs . Re BIL we used to be v close but after what he did at xmas & then turning up at court case full of anger & hatred there's nothing I can do now except leave him off & detach. As someone meantioned above we all have choices & are responsible for our own behaviour!

Patience, a snog on holls would be a fine thing but with 3 dc's in tow & then my mother joining me for a wk it's hardly likely .

Beebers x post. The smoking, lattes & feeding dc's is fine. I did all of this & it did none of us any harm . I would try to work on the shouting at dc's as they must be finding this v hard too. Your xp sounds like a selfish s**t & I'd say your wasting your time trying to get him to be either honest or reasonable. It does not sound good re ow. I think you'd be better off cutting contact as much as possible & try to keep the focus on you & dc's now.

should have read feeding dc's crap is fine

Beebers I know those phone conversations are exhausting. I used to find that they drained me for days. When I had the same thing the counsellor used to say to me how would it feel not to have them? It took a long time but I stopped them and now rise above the twazzock. It may not work for you especially if he is hiding something but maybe it could be something to try one day.
Would it work to tell XH not to call while he's away - I'm not sure but just trying to think of a way to get you some peace.

Patience, I'm loving the sound of your business - fancy that a serenity magnate in our midst.

< goes off to think of meet up ideas to give Dumplings something to think about >

So...weekend of 11th or 25th September then. How does that sound?

Beebers your charming partner is in fact seeing someone I think, after reading your most recent post. He is being horribly insensitive and unkind after all your years together.I'm starting to think his original reason for leaving you is not as cut and dried as he claims. This is not something you probably want to hear but what your partner fails to understand is that sharing information about the affair will allow you to let go. Until you are able take steps to grapple with shattered assumptions and construct a story about the affair/ break up that make sense to you, you will be prone to obsessing until healing is complete. You may discover elaborate and premeditated and hurtful deceptions when the truth is uncovered, but as long as he can validate the facts and empathise with the pain caused, it would help you to move on. Then you would no longer constantly feel as you, the paranoia and fear must be dreadful

He maybe putting off sharing everything with you as he thinks the truth will only make things worse. However the distress caused by sharing will be a short term reaction but the long term effect is that it will heal the wounds and help you move on. If he is really having an affair you need to hear how the affair began, what was said, the lies he told etc. As if he keeps giving you things piecemeal, every time you think you have heard it all, you will be retraumatized with additional horror stories. Hearing the whole truth earlier in the process will help the recovery and give you more peace.

It's cruel of him to behave as he is Beebers. He needs to be honest with you, so you can have closure.

I'm still thinking about what he said to you. You're mental and undiginfied? When he claims he left you for some space? And now is going away and lying about where to you? He is adding to the anxiety by not reassuring you or being honest.

It is dreadful how he is treating you Beebers. He needs to be honest with you.

beebs - i agree with tea about knowing the truth - i have often suspected h of something in this area and others have suggested to me that (on MN) that they think this is also the case. h is a closed book though. it would have been better for me to have found out the truth v early on - i live in fear of a revelation as i now it would set me back. i challenge him and his swears it is just that he has fallen out of love - i have given up asking now.

let it all out on here - a month ago i was on my knees with the sadness and unfairness of this but i do feel a lot better now - i have bad days but there are more good days at the moment.

find your own coping mechanism and do it - tonight i am eating a whole pizza to myself - safe in the knowledge that i worked very hard at a davina workout video !!!

get a good funny book from the library and let your brain switch off from all the crap for a bit.

happy - i am up for that tell me when and where !!!

i said to him if he told me the truth that would help me get over it. he told me i should get over it anyway. i know there is someone else. i just hate to be made to feel like am a neurotic. i am not. i have just had the bottom ripped out of my world and i have no idea how to move on.

I'm not one to swear but Beebers he's being a heartless bastard! Grrrr

After all the years together, he expects you to "just get over it?" Grrrrr

You need to show him you're moving on by limiting contact with kids to specific times, and finding alternatives to him for help. Not allowing in house, seeking legal advice and getting ball rolling where appropriate.

Then he'll have a reality check, as right now it's peachy for him. He's having his cake and eating it.

Oh and he's a coward! Running away from responsibility and not being able to even be honest about things and he keeps blaming you. Weak weak man!

Big hugs BB.Distance urself from him as much as you can he is being a spiteful bully just now to you .You arent getting a chance to get back on your feet cos he is being an inconsiderate pig IMO.This is emotional abuse he could end the relationship in a civilised manner,he is choosing not to .But stay strong.Get peace away from him and you will settle down .You will get there this rawness wont last forever.Cry in big wailing wails to let all the pain out .Tomorrow is another day.No rear view mirrors on your vehicle walk forwards and protect yourself from his poison. As my 3yo dd would say "He is being a total meaner"

I'd say the mental & undignified is transferance i.e. he's talking about himself.

Tea, in an ideal world yes every woman dumped for another deserves truth & honesty, however that's rarely the case because if they were capable of truth & honesty they wouldn't be having the affairs to begin with. From what I see the woman is usually dumped with some half hearted excuse for a reason & is then left in turmoil & trying to understand why. It is usually only sometime later she will figure it out for herself.

Happy, v excitedly checked both dates & both look good for me

You are in shock ,he was your partner but you have to work hard now to set boundaries and retake some control here ...big hugs ...take care of yourself....baby steps but 2morrow start putting boundaries in place.I didnt have any boundaries when i started on here but you learn fast...if you need ant top tips ur in the right place ...Chin up Tits out .
It will really piss him off when the empowerment kicks in ....trust me x

Ooops have christening on 11th.

very true starting - honesty does not come naturally to some men

"any "top tips BB i know very little re" ants" except they are very strong for their size