ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Yes primary caregiver can get more than 50/50 if needs a certain size of residence to house family - but you must see a decent solicitor.

Cousin sent this on FB today and cheered me -A fact of life : After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says WTF........

Armbow, from what you've said it does seem like he's picking up when you're getting some confidence back & then taking a swipe at you to bring you back down . The way you were living for the past two years of your marriage sounds like a horrible way to live. No wonder you are worn out from it all. Please keep dumping it all out here Armbow, I got great support here and it saved me from having to keep dumping everything to rl friends. Counselling will be a huge help to you. From what I know the primary caregiver always gets a bigger percent but you are better to get a solicitor to deal with all that especially whan he's putting pressure on you to earn more etc.

Armbow, it's early days & you are doing great. Things do get easier with time so just be as nice as you can to yourself & take it slowly.

Armbow, he's trying to control you. Please don't let him. Detatch yourself as much as possible then watch his behaviour from a distance. Soon, you will be able to predict his reactions and pre-empt any attempts to manipulate you.

I'm feeling surprisingly relaxed this evening. Anything could happen now. Maybe XP and I will make a go of it, maybe I'm better off on my own. Time will tell. Either way, I know I'll be ok even though neither is an easy path. But as you now know, I am no stranger to adversity. It was hard to lose my parents but they were quite elderly (I was a very late baby) so I knew they wouldn't go on forever. When my Dad was ill with cancer it was hard as I was commuting a 300 mile round trip nearly every week to help him. My brother had only seen my Dad once in about 6 years and that was for my Mum's funeral. So he was no help at all which I resented at the time but I'm guessing that alcohol was behind his poor behaviour. C'est la vie! Onwards and upwards, everyone.

LC -so sorry for all your troubles - but great to see you being strong.

Armbow -he is playing you - reeling you back in. Not good. No contact would help you - as much as possible but hard with DCs

Getting - good to go parties even if only single - better to still engage as part of the human race I think

Starting you are being a wee sweetie thanks. Yes I do remember the cup Felt like doing it again today - but hes not here.

Im really wondering if I should change counsellor -see someone more qualified. Dont feel hes really doing it for me now.

Starting cant believe that your H cheque bounced- unbelievable when he can spend without thought on himself -grrr

Happy -glad your having a great serene weekend.

Tea - glad H not hassling you over D detail but wish he would get his finger out and get supporting you financially!

Armbow god your your h sounds like such a peacock ,well certainly a cock !

Seriously I dont think you seem to realise how together and strong you are given how early into the split it is . As someone has said I wouldnt react to this tale of a friend coming onto him it may be exaggerated or indeed total bullshit.Maybe Mr Goodlooking (btw handsome is as handsome does ) is a bit self deluding ?

The similarities in our marriages keep coming out my exh not vain about his looks but about himself and what a great guy he is constant self congratulation but we know Armbow that its just their insecurity and they have to keep reassuring themselves how fab they are(nt)

Mumfun isnt your counsellor qualified ? I think you should make sure you're seeing right person as its such hard, time consuming and expensive business that it needs to be worth it ! My psychotherapist has been beyond words amazing !

Starting you sound very placid about thought of exh spending more on a night out than your maintenance. I am planning on some revenge shopping this week thinking of exh and ow driving to Italy in his Aston Martin ffs they could have flown first class to the States with that petrol bill. When he talks to me about us all having to "cut our cloth" I know what I want to cut.

Oh btw MF who was the mystery person who helped you?

I too am facing dilemma of whether to accept 50 50 split for a quiet life or pursue for more you hear so many different stories . I dont have the constitution for a battle but I also dont have a job/career prospect and know now goodwill of exh will be withdrawn or bestowed depending on his whim which isnt a great future prospect

right goodnight all. not been going to bed before 2 recently so neeeeeeed an early night.

hopefully will be more positive tomorrow.

night armbow and remember its early days feeling positive isnt expected of you

Armbow, hope you get a good night's sleep & feel more positive tomorrow.

Mumfun, glad the cup incident gave you a smile. If you've been seeing counsellor for awhile i.e. given him a proper chance & still feel he's not doing it for you then I would suggest you change asap. There are a lot of great counsellors out there but equally there are a lot of crap ones & sometimes it's just a case of not being a good match. It's worth persuing it until you find the right one. Counselling is also v expensive so you need to make sure you are getting value for money. Hope you are feeling slightly more positive. I know the stuff with h must have been a huge blow after all the hard work you've put in for so long. (())

Getting, I am not completely dependant on the money from xh tg. I have a small income myself, not enough to survive on but of huge benefit at times like this. I am also v lucky to have assets I could liquidate if necessary but which I am keeping to buy xh out of family home. My motto is to not react where at all possible, it just feeds into negativity & really doesn't achieve anything. Xh is prob just trying to punish me over what happened with access & dc's & also prob to do with court case Tues & prob a bit of bitterness over me getting on with life & going on holl etc. At the end of the day I have the important things for me in life, my beautiful dc's & a lovely home. I'm not going to allow xh to upset my serenity. My solicitor has told me it could take her years to unravel xh's financial affairs so I've instructed her to get best deal possible & call it a day. At the end of the day xh has to live with himself. I could do battle & come out with a lot more money but I could lose my sanity in the process.

I have woken up in a bit of a mess so I thought maybe writing it out on here would help get it out of my system.

Its like the novelty has worn off 7 months in and now this is my life living on my own with the dc. Anything that is going to happen has to come from my energy and inspiration from what we eat to where we go and what we do and today I have none. I just feel flat and empty and defeated by everything. Nothing has happened so I dont know why I am feeling like this and as someone said a while back married people get bad days to. In fact I had far more miserable days when exh was living here

Several things I read in the early days and people I spoke to said it takes a couple of years to get over divorce and I thought not for me it wont, theres no way I want to waste more time after the years of unhappiness before he even left . Today I am thinking maybe it is going to take a long time before I wake up in the morning and dont have a single thought related to this whole business.

Sorry to moan moan moan I know it could be a lot worse

morning all.

getting sorry you are having a bad day so far, we are all a bit low aren't we?

sadly you are right about anything positive has to come from us because there is no longer a team mentality in our households anymore. but do you think this was a psychological attitude anyway that was probably misplaced? i know that when i really look at it i held our house together when h was here - yes he was the main earner but sadly that is all he was. everything else was down to me - so in reality nothing very much has changed except there is one less body in the house. perhaps it is the same for you?

our hs do so alot alike he does strut around like a peacock, he loves himself so much there is no room for anyone else.

i am a lot calmer today - i am finding the best way to fight back when i am feeling like this is to do purely practical stuff.

so far this morning i have switched energy suppliers for a better deal.
cancelled some direct debits and made steps to take h's name of our joint account.

oh yeah forgot to say - go out for a drink you have nothing to lose.

and re the 50/50 split i also have not the energy for a fight

Morning everyone.
This is my second time of facing life as a single parent. I split up from my first husband when eldest dc's were 7 and 9. So I do know how incredibly hard it is to bear all the responsibilty on your own. But can I just say that you will be rewarded richly for it. I promise you. My eldest dc's have got me through this present crisis. We are incredibly close and we would do ANYTHING for each other. They are my best friends. They love their father just as much but it is me that they have the closest relationship with. It is inevitable really. I know it is a long time off as your children are quite young but I promise you that all the hard work will be worth it in the end. When we are all little old ladies sitting together in an MN nursing home we will be able to look back and feel proud of what we achieved. I promise you.

Getting I was the one that said that everyone even married people have off days. On one of my flat days I usually do whatever makes things easier for me i.e. call to friends, get take away for tea, etc. It will pass. I think it's important to give yourself the time & space to heal/grieve the end of your marriage.

Armbow, agree with the one less body in the house concept in that I also did everything to do with running of house & dc's so nothings changed there.

LC yes theres no question that I have a closer relationship with dcs its always been like that and of course now more so. Its interesting I am not very good at projecting forward but you are right I can already tell that I will be immensely proud of how I have dealt with everything. Conversely twunt will be able to look back on what a mess he made of everything.

He sent dcs a text this morning asking them to text their news , I wonder if now they are in the flat where we stayed so often it seems a bit quiet ...

Anyway I have picked up a bit . I read the "will I always be alone" thread earlier lots of people with similar experiences under their belts and I am ashamed to confess reading about other people in same or worse boat helps bring me perspective Also in a more positive way its great hearing so many cheering at the prospect of being single
and having no interest in being with a man.

Tbh thats how I feel too but somehow that pressure to be with someone as some kind of validation of yourself does get to me at times. Not helped by me living in Toyland where all the toys are happily paired up.

Anyway I just dried DD hair and she has lovely dark shiny hair and its that small stuff I love. My innate ability to smell the roses has left me this last month but I have found it again today - thanks to MN

LC are you on your own now I thought xp was getting another chance ?

Thanks starting you are the rock of this thread x

Am I mental? Is having a go at someone because they lied to you make you mental? I am beginning to question my own sanity and my ability to bring up these children by myself. how can i bring up three children to be normal when i feel like everything is crashing down round my ears. i can't even get myself together enough to put washing on. i am finding it so difficult. i never wanted to be this person. when does it start getting better.

Getting - we are talking about trying again. XP hasn't moved back home and I'm not sure that he will. The likely outcome will be that he rents a flat for 6 months whilst we see if there is anything worth salvaging. On the other hand, that riles me a bit as I will get the the single parent drudgery bit and he gets the independent single life bit. I will be all the time wondering what he's shagging getting up to. In the meantime, I'm classing myself as a single parent.

Anyway, I've had a delivery from Amazon (The Book) so I'm going to go for a quiet walk then come back and immerse myself in some positive healing. And I plan to bake some cheese straws later - a big favourite in the critter household .

Beebers - it gets better one day then it's crap again the next day. You are all over the place at the moment. Don't expect too much of yourself and allow yourself to feel rubbish. It's ok. Fuck the washing, nobody ever died of wearing the same clothes all week. You might feel better later, you might feel better tomorrow but you will feel better at some point. It won't always feel like this. x

he keeps saying i am crazy and what he does is none of my business

Guilt. He has to say that to you because he can't face the truth which is that he is guilty as charged.

i have just ordered 'i can mend your broken heart' by paul mckenna. has anyone else read it?

Hi all so much to catch up on.
Beebers it gets better when you start to feel more at peace I think and feel less dragged through a hedge.
IME seeing a counsellor, seeing less of XH (now admin only), and taking full responsibility for me and the dcs (i.e. expecting no support from him) and doing things I enjoy are all things that have helped enormously. Conversely relying on XH (pointless as he is not good with responsibility), getting embroiled in nasty conversations with XH, and sitting in a daze (I was the world's expert at this) are no no's.
What can you do today to help you feel better? What usually works?
Waves to all

BB LC is right just focus on breathing in and out and keeping you and the dcs safe who cares about housework etc. It will get better it really will you need time

Yes I used paul mckenna book and liked it

Yes I too lost days staring into space doesnt happen much now though. Agree too do you need to be in contact with him at the moment bb ?

Keep hanging in there