ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

he has the kids of an evening, so i can go to work. so i see him every day. i am now putting into place every other weekend contact as before, he would just pop round at te weekend, this is not good for me.

he has them this weekend, so am booking myself pedicure on saturday and am going out saturday night.

i want to stop with the questions and the hurt but its so hard.

do you have to pay for a counsellor or can you be referred through gp?

GP can refer you or you can find one yourself (BACP website would be a good place). It would be a good idea I think.

Beebers, Happy's advice is v good. It does get better but it's a slow journey. Your plans for the w'end sound like a great idea as is setting boundaries with xh.

Getting, I'm far from a rock lol & just as prone as anyone to have days where it all seems too much or I feel sorry for myself etc...

Waves to Happy, Armbow & everyone else

LC hey where can i sign up for an MN nursing home it sounds fabulous???

beebers - hang on in there - cut contact as much as poss asap. otherwise as i am finding it is one step forward two steps back the whole time. (I am going to try and follow this adise too )

Happy "seeing a counsellor, seeing less of XH (now admin only), and taking full responsibility for me and the dcs (i.e. expecting no support from him) and doing things I enjoy are all things that have helped enormously." great advice, !!!

waves to everyone else

Book that a very good friend gave me called Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers .All about celebratimg your higher self {positivity]and helping you stay away from your lower self[negativity]
If you are feeling mixed up,at a time of contemplation,looking for a quiet evening read or similar situation its def worth a read.I found it helped me let go of a lot of resentment and helped me change the habits of my inner voice.Its good to celebrate "US" at these times.We are all strong resilient woman.LC you are a credit to womankind - an inspiration.BB boundaries are good... protect yourself from his head games ,he will say whatever he can to ease his guilt about what he has done .Watch telly and do only the necessary bits until you feel stronger,get out a walk too if you can hope yesterday was good x

BTW startin re chq ...... karma
Will all be over soon ....i feel that peace is a comin re XH.

Ds shooting me with a ben 10 laser gun ATM, patience is indeed a life skill i had been needing to develop for some time def has improved

Glad your good Happy x

AB have you read the Lundy Bancroft book ,i know you werent exp dv but its about controlling men also and i think every girl/woman should read it regardless .
Whatever happens AB you are entitled to RESPECT ,keep that in mind.Counselling will be fab to boost your self esteem and get you firing on all cylinders ,you will be on fire after a few sessions ,i see it as pampering ,just helps rid me of self doubt and lets me enjoy being me .

Waves to everyone , take care x

By the way banjo hasnt appeared yet x

on the theme of practical forward steps

i have just taken my anger out on a very large dead shrub in the front garden that had been waiting to come out after this winter saw it off. h never did stuff like this it was always down to me but i didn't half
hack at with all my might

the front garden looks so much neater now.

i also bought a davina mccall dvd and did an hour.

my thinking is even if i am emotional and up and down i would rather be a skinny and organised emotional wreck than a tubby disorganised one !!

any news on your drink date? are you going?

that question was for getting .....

Oh f**k ladies I am sick to my stomach, what a difference a phone call makes. Just got a call to say case is not going ahead tomorrow as xh no longer going to contest sentence. Was told that he is not in a good place mentally & is v down. I know it's the least he should be feeling after all he's put me & dc's through but then another part of me feels v sorry for him & it brings the fear that he'll kill himself & everybody will hate me & I'll have to live with that along with my own feelings & those of dc's. Oh god I much prefer dealing with him when he's off his rocker .

Re the cheque, it now appears that he didn't have the funds in his business account to cover cheque & not that he actually cxl'd it. That is v v bad as it could mean his business is in financial trouble. My counsellor has always said (he saw my xh for a long time too) that xh will be ok as long as he can play part of successful business man i.e. plenty of money.

f*k, fk, f*k.................really hate when this crap happens. Last time this happened he switched off his phone for days & eventually friends got police to kick in his door they were so worried about him. He goes into black depressions & knocks himself out of it with sleeping tabs etc & gets v suicidal................

Hi all
Loving the intensive gardening, I can relate to that one.
Again everyone gives such good advice. I like feel the fear and do it anyway!
Starting, what can I say. Your XH is really putting you through it at the moment. Strikes me that a visit to the counsellor might be good pre holiday. It must be so worrying for you. But then, cr** though it is you know that you didn't cause this and that actually there's nothing you can do about it. He is responsible for himself and we all are free to make our own choices. It is sad and worrying but try to have some good times yourself at the moment as well as wondering what's happening with XH.

Oh starting I dont know what to say what an awful worry .Whatever he does or doesnt do though surely nobody would hold you responsible for it ? Try not to think about the worst case scenario ,is there any way you can find out a bit more about his business situation to at least allay worries about money ?

It must be terrible having all this worry coming at you all the time and not really being able to control it .

Sending you a big hug

So sorry starting - must be so hard. Dont feel bad yourself and keep positive towards your holiday.(())

Armbow send me some gardening enthusiasm quick ! Now I am leaving I cbb to do anything out there and its starting to look awful.

No decided against a drink ditto cbb ! This will sound absurd and if I was reading it from another dumpling I would laugh but I dont want dcs to think I am seeing someone and dont want to be seen out with a man by some nosey parker . Anyway from what I gather my inbox on phone or email should be brimming with messages begging me to see him but I have received 2 in a week therefore however "sexy and gorgeous" he finds me it hasnt translated into the required bombardment getting deserves so I am not ringing him.

Also after reading "will I always be alone" thread I think I know really I dont want a man just the compliments feel good factor and then that will do. Surely theres a service out there that can provide this for me

Like Happy says your exh is responsible for himself Starting

Patience you sound happy I have read similar books in the past and found them really good .Positive Thinking by Vera Pfeiffer ia another good one

Oh starting, what a terrible worry. Nobody will hold you responsible for his actions because how can you possibly be responsible? I can understand how you will worry and feel for him though. That is only natural because you are a caring, strong person.

Startin ' you can only control ur own actions not his ,keep strong ,much love to you and yours x

Getting.... completely thrown myself into new business venture so busy busy busy [no time to analyse and regress]still waiting to hear re small premises and also [seperate] bugging letting agent re new home.

Yesterday took the kids fishing for trout ,saw a kingfisher,dcs waded in river and threw stones ,made them sausages and chips for tea.Went to cook some beans but seeing as all the labels on my tins are yellow turned out it was sliced peaches LOL bit of a surprise but that was pudding sorted !

Getting - how about focussing on pots rather than main garden. Or just doing a bit of both. Am lurving my pots and small bits of veg and thinking they will one day be lifted elsewhere.

< tries to give impression of being proper horticulturalist and hopes that noone asks too many questions. Thinks that maybe flower power songs could work for next DJHappy night >

Waves madly hugs to all

yup agree about pots being a v good idea happy - i bought a lovely palm today that i have put in a pot - with the idea that it is not a waste of money as one day it can come with me to new house.

good luck patience with business hope it goes great guns !!!

Ladies sorry about posting all that. Just got into a bit of a panic when I got the call as it was a bit close to the bone with all the deaths I had last year. The truth is xh has been so unstable for the past two years there's always been a risk it could end badly. However chances are it's just one of his usual downers & he'll be back to being a boll**ks in due course. I forced myself out of the house & got ds a haircut & snuck two huge bars of choc into shopping just for me tonight when dc's are asleep .

I can't be certain but it would appear there was no shortage of money up to recently anyway so I can't see how business could be in trouble.

Am going to be nice to myself & try to get dc's to bed early tonight & then have a bath, defuzz & do nails.

Getting & LC, my bil verbally attacked me at xmas over pressing charges on the dv stuff so that is where the fear would come of everybody blaming me.

Patience, it is great to hear you are making progress on your new business. I will have to come over & visit for your grand opening .

Mumfun & happy, thank you as always for your kind & helpful support.

Armbow, attacking plant to vent anger sounds like a good result .

Chocolate sounds just the ticket Startin ,pls dont worry about BIL.
Just concentrate on you and urs x

Glad you sound a bit calmer starting enjoy your chocolate !

Happy yes I could start by pulling out large dandelions from pots which will be coming with me

Patience I suppose you dont want to say about your business it sounds very exciting - did reading that follow your dream book your friend sent help you do this ?

Well I have been on MN nearly ALL day but its been very funny including a troll thread - never seen one of those before. MN really is huge isnt it and the quality of the writing of some of the threads is awesome. Do you think MN pay some of these people in order to keep standards high ?

Waves to everyone

Happy, I am so so impressed that you can spell horticulturalist never mind anything to do with the actual planting........

Beebers your partner said he'd gone to Newcastle (is it?) and you found it he wasn't there but in Eastern Europe, did you say?

Why is it mental to challenge him on his lying? He told you he was leaving you as he didn't love you and needed some head space and then promptly moved into a flat. However it seems very strange to be lying to you about where he went to, if he has nothing to hide. Therefore you will have a lot of feelings of paranoia coming to the surface right now and it will make you angry when he lies about where he went, when there is no need to. And now he's saying you're lying? How did you find out he's not in Newcastle? I know you've got several children and are busy but it would help to have a bit more information so we can support you and advise you here, on why he'd claim you're now lying?

I think he maybe having an affair and hiding it from you, so he doesn't look so bad and there may also be some gaslighting going on quite frankly.

The truth is for you to move on you need some closure, perhaps you need to look for some evidence as whenwillifeelnormal often suggests. It would sure help you if you could get more to the bottom of his behaviour.

You also have the worry of your oldest child's father right now and what you think he thinks about the situation. You're in a very painful place with no explanation really that makes any sense to why he left.

When my H and I separated in October I had nothing but a web of lies and everything was so murky. It was awful and some days I shouted at the kids too much, they lived off fish fingers, chips, pizza and pasta. I subsisted on coffee and biscuits mainly in the early days. And immersed myself in mumsnet and facebook to occupy myself. I didn't feel like taking care of the my flat at all. I spent months trying to win him back, trying to work out what was truth or lies, I forced out of him the affair and then eventually that it had never ended and he was like a worm on a hook the whole time, not being honest and not being where he claimed he was. It's a horrible place to be. This is why I suggest you look harder into finding evidence. Better to have a clear picture now of what is going on than to continue to feel like you do right now.

Starting, the other girls put it much better than I could. It's not your fault. He chose to cock his life up and his family life through his actions. I know it was difficult last Christmas and still is if you see BIL isn't it? But try not take any responsibility for him in your mind x

Ladies I've now come full circle & feel a bit of a twat. Xh has put me through hell & back over the past two yrs. I am now translating the phone call earlier to mean he's at home feeling sorry for himself. I have double checked the cheque & it was actually from his personal account so I don't think there's anything wrong financially. It was he dragged me through the courts by changing his plea from guilty. I have decided I'm too nice, too forgiving & too compassionate. Well I've donned my dumpling padded bra & put my chin up again..............