ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No. 5

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity.

Tea im goin to post my answer here hope you dont mind it on this thread .This makes me very very angry because i was smacked as a child and then as an adult confused an abusive relationship with what is acceptable behaviour from someone that says they love you.Also i think when a child loses control emotionally your job as a parent is to respect your child and have self control teaching them to calm down and praising them when they do,smacking IMO is bullying ,you use force to get the point across and you do nothing to improve your childs emotional self control.If your parents feel so strongly about this then it is an engrained pattern followed on fromprobably many generations IMO it only really faded out in the 70's.But kids do need discipline ,so you find their currency,toys treats etc and praise when appropriate and consistently discipline when necessary.I dont blame my folks the were ignorant ,but i am clear and articulate about my feelings on smacking with them.I feel it also inhibits a real sense of adventure with wee ones cos they fear they might get hit .Also i think teenagers who are loved and brought up to achieve and to love themselves will do ok.Smacking IME doesnt keep you on the straight and narrow ,it just bloody pissed me off and made me disrespect adults {but thats a whole other story} !

BB he is only doing this to ease his guilt ,justify his actions ,etc etc but it is a massive crock of shite so you stick with the truth ,try and stay as dignified as you can and take care of yourself,
Chin Up ,Tits Out Girl xxx

i thought we were happy but he hit with the bombshell three months ago. he loves me but is not in love with me, he wanted to try to make things better, within two weeks of that he had his own place. i am trying to keep it together for the kids but i am finding it so tough. i started smoking again which i hate myself for.

i posted my whole story on here before, he found the thread and used it against me. as i had not told him i was claiming benefits etc. i can't understand how he could have gone from being the love of my lfie to treating me with such contempt. i keep trying to understand what i have done that is so bad, that he treats me this way and has moved on without a backwards glance. my exhusband was cruel and abusive to me and he saw how long it took me to get my confidence back and now i feel like he has taken all my trust and thrown it in the bin. i can't sleep, so i have to take sleeping pills every night. i am a complete mess.

today i told myself that i no longer love h and i meant it.

looking at his actions and his words was the key. the two are actually poles apart.

he sounds like the martyr but acts like a selfish self driven arse.

after this morning and his disdain for anyone but himself i can firmly and resolutely say that he is out of my heart. how can i ever love such a man.

i want a man to be tender and respectful
i want to look into a man's eyes and believe what he is saying.

i am in purely practical mode now... sorting out money and stuff...

it is of no longer any concern to me how he lives his life.

beebers - your reactions are normal but they are magnified by your previous experiences with your ex.

please please be kind to yourself and remember that he is at fault here. summon all your strength and live your life.

Dont punish urself about fags ffs bb you will stop again when ur life calms down just take one day at a time keep posting .......
AB oh lord another martyr/ victim ,ignore and it will go away .....take care of yourself ,you'll doin great !
Gettin you off out again ....wheres Partytime btw ?

Sorry I find it tough covering everyones points atm

But Beebers -you need to find support for yourself big time - either family, friends, counselling through your GP. Reach out to people - you need to. Take it a day at a time - hour by hour if you have to. Breathe - survive. The pain is so horrible - I know

Sorry we're all having bad weeks. To cap it all - a large piece of one of my teeth has just fallen out -lovely. I have a somewhat dreaded visit from a relative next week and have to speak to my mother soon - urghhh. Im feeling like I did last year when I found out the affair- just a bit less traumatic this time. Really identify with what you said Starting - I always felt that no matter what happened I could work it out in the end with H. Looks like I will have to start accepting not. But how to - very tough.

For a bit of fun to lighten the mood then guess who my saviour today was. Hes not UK born, he used to work in a very hard hitting field, then did a bit of risking hitting himself on a hard surface for a while.

You really sound like you are doing a fantastic job with dc's. I think you need to politely but v firmly tell your parents that you do not want them to slap dc's. It's better to do it now then to allow this to fester down the line or escalate (sp?). Fwiw the parenting books that I remember reading said the age of reasoning is 2 so your ds is still too young to really comprehend anyway. I agree with every word Patience has said above. Slapping is bullying & will just lead to more violent aggressive bad behaviour or else you'll knock spirit out of dc's & end up having them rebel further down the line. There's a reason it's been abolished & that's cause it doesn't work & leads to further probs (I've all the stats somewhere from my psychology about all the studies done on this). Put your feet up, relax, your a great mum & just put your parents straight next time your over.

Getting, hope it turns out that you've a fab time at party. Maybe they've invited a few eligable men for you to appraise .

Beebers, can't believe your x found your thread & then tried to use it against you . It seems to me like it might be a good idea to get some counselling for yourself. You are blaming yourself for his behaviour. Don't beat yourself up about the smoking, I am a smoker too & there's a few others on the thead & tbh they've kept me sane in all this. I intend to give them up again when I'm ready. What about yoga or meditation or lavender baths etc to help you sleep?? You could also try rescue rememdy's sleep rememdy or something else herbal. Try to do nice things with dd (do you have other dc's?)& nice things for yourself. This will pass.

Mumfun, you're in my thoughts, hope you are ok.

i am a mum of three. one from my marriage, two from this relationship. the eldest is finding things very tough. he keeps getting into bed with me at night. i did not want this for him again or for the girls.

Armbow, I can fully identify with actions & words not matching up. Glad you are feeling more positive.

Mumfun, x post. So glad you came back to let us know how your doing. My heart really goes out to you. I know for myself when you've gotten the hope back again & then they shatter it, it's a real killer & a big set back. Fwiw the pain the second time around does ease quicker (but cuts a bit deeper I think). Really sorry after all your hard work that this is where it's all ended up. Sending you huge virtual hugs & hope you are getting plenty of rl support. Good luck with talking to your mother, hope it goes well. I know it's the small things that drive us over the edge but really the tooth is the least of it & hopefully you'll be able to sort it out soon.

I know I suggested the guessing game but realise I'm out of my depth so will await to see what my fellow dumplings have to say on the matter.

Sending you huge virtual hugs Mumfun (()) you have been a huge support to me in my darker times. You are a lovely lady (like us all ) & there will be lots of happy days ahead for you.

Was it Brad Pitt Mumfun ?

Beebers, for your poor dc's. If you've read the posts you'll know I'm also a mum of 3 & my poor dc's have had an awful lot to deal with from xh. I got a lot of outside help to make sure I handled things ok with dc's. Basically if Mum's ok, dc's will be ok. If mum is feeling shakey etc dc's will also be feeling this. You & your dc's need time to heal & grieve from this. I used to talk to my dc's a lot & really listen to how they were feeling or their worries etc (especially eldest dd). I got older dd to start keeping a journal, did art therapy with all 3 (keep it basic just get them to paint how their feeling etc), used to get them to kick a ball out the back or a beanbag to get out the anger. For the sadness plenty of cuddles & reassuring & encourage them to cry & express whatever is going on for them. Hope some of that helps. Fwiw doing all of the above has meant that my dc's are doing fantastic despite what's happened with xh. Not sure how old your ds is but you could certainly use some of this with dd's.

Nadal?

Am waiting with baited breath Mumfun...........

Don't even know who Nadal is so still waiting with baited breath, mind you if I'd a choice it'd be Brad Pitt all the way

Btw Mumfun, hope you don't take this the wrong way as I am only trying to cheer you up a little but as I mentioned earlier today I read some of our old posts last night. Well I just wanted to remind you about your cup remaining intact if you can recall & hope that brings a little smile to your face

it was the hard hitting bit - made me think of tennis.

someone changed their playing surface recently...come think of it i think they switched fom clay to grass so may be off the mark.

morning everyone

beebers how are you feeling today?

mumfun - sorry you are feeling down, hope everything goes well with the visiting relative and also for speaking to your mum. sympathies about your tooth.

getting hope you had a lovely time at party,

how are you lc?
waves to tea, starting, happy, mummy, patience and anyone else i have forgotten.

Waves to all
Having a serene weekend doing lots of things I never do - I recommend it to all
Beebers and Mumfun hoping you're feeling ok today
Is the famous person MacNroe? Or an ex boxer or golfer?

i am feeling a little better, was just brought down by the fact that i had had a good day and then i found out about the lie. my best friend has told me she is going to stalk him out, i said that would be a little difficult as he is in a second floor flat. she told me she is going to invest in a long ladder so tha made my laugh and cheered me up this morning.

there is a fair going on at the local park so am taking hte kids there to spend some money.

Enjoy the park BB waves to AB ,hope tooth isnt sore MF was it George Clooney ?
Glad your chillin Happy!
Waves to Startin'
Hope all dumplings are cool x

The man isnt a sportsman. He appears on TV. His hard hitting was a type of reporting. The other hitting hard surfaces (or trying not to) was something he tried out on TV.

Brad Pitt - we all wish

Thanks for all the kind supporting wishes etc. It was a hard week. The small thing that drove me mad was the local council refusing to give me single person discount. They owe me hundreds - H sent them all the right papers. They are incompetent arrogant w***s. I am stopping all payments to them and they can take me to court.

Kids have been great. Had arranged night out on Friday night tg which helped keep my sanity.

Best of luck with the council ..keep up the ninja suffragette spirit.

I know who it is and he is lovely MF,real decent bloke x

Oh God, I am sorry to be on here venting all the time. Just checked my account & the maintenance cheque I lodged last wk has bounced. I cannot believe that he would stoop so low to do this yet again (last time he did this was at xmas time). He is a miserable f**ker to do this when he knows we are going on holls. It is so hard to comprehend that anyone could be so nasty............

Is there no way you can change the method he pays each month, so this doesn't happen anymore? I know you're not in the UK so things may work a little differently but this can't be right of him.

How quickly can you make sure he coughs up?

Does seem rather petty of him and really horrid. Can manage financially until it is reimbursed?