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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

463 replies

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 21:55

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 30/06/2010 19:45

Sending all my love and positive vibes to you Shaz he does'nt deserve you..

lovingmy2 · 30/06/2010 19:54

how r u this evening Shaz? Hope you have had something other than luzozade since coming home. Much Love

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 20:31

Hi guys, feeling a bit better this evening. Mum's been round and done some cleaning (she's good at that!) and I've just been pottering. Baby is fast asleep in his cot and I'm feeling nicely sleepy, so hoping for a good night's sleep. Have had text message from husband confirming where he is staying (hotel), just texted back to acknowledge that. Had no contact otherwise. Going to get the baby's

I go through periods of feeling like a twat. Thinking he was so great for suggesting I go for baths, he goes to the shops for me etc. And all the time, well it would have been a nice smokescreen for calls and texts if nothing else. But I'm too tired to be mad today.

OP posts:
lovingmy2 · 30/06/2010 20:51

glad your feeling a bit better. Have you eaten?

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 21:09

Well done Shaz, you're doing great. Don't feel like a twat - there's only one twat in this story, and I can guarantee the penny'll be dropping for him already as he faces the sordid reality of what he's done. Hope you get some sleep and start feeling a bit more together tomorrow. Remember - FOOD!

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 21:27

I've just had a satsuma. Does that count?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 22:10

Yikes. I've just found his mobile phone bill for April . I think I may know her number now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 22:11

Don't panic, I'm not going to ring it. It's texted a hell of a lot though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 22:25

Good night all. I'm getting upset again, it must be time to sleep, oh please let it be time to sleep!
Thank you for getting me through today.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/06/2010 22:29

Since you've got the bill in front of you and the account number, you can register him for online billing, which will give you access to all the phone bills. You can more accurately work out when this affair started.

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 22:43

Night Shaz - hope you get some sleep. Take care.

williewalshsballs · 30/06/2010 22:46

good idea wwifn. very good.
Shaz, hang in there, you're doing so well.

FlyingFig · 30/06/2010 22:47

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

It hurts like hell to begin with - yet you can't just switch off the feelings you've had for someone, regardless of how shitty they've been (which bloody sucks!).

It will get better and in time you'll realise that both you and your lovely DS deserved better than all of this hurt.

Hope you get some sleep x

duckonthepond · 30/06/2010 23:14

Sorry to hear what has happened Shaz. You will get through this and you sound like you are taking all of the right steps so far.

I discovered my ex's affair at the end of last year when my baby was a few months old. Your head must be all over the place right now and I know that it feels like everything has fallen apart, but also maybe you feel relieved (in a wierd way) that your suspicions have been proved correct as it is awful having continual nagging doubts in your mind but no evidence. For me, the relationship was over almost as soon as I found out as I didn't want a relationship without trust, no matter that my ex said he would end the affair. I wasn't about to give him any second chances.

The last 6 months have been tough at times but now I am feeling so much happier living with my DD and starting afresh. In my lowest moments focussing on my DD and knowing that I deserve better got me through. Take really good care of yourself in the next few days and surround yourself with those who care about you and your little one. Sleep well.

Original poster
Shaz10 · 01/07/2010 04:49

OMG I just did it, I just registered for online billing. They're going to be sending something in the post.

Have been asleep, just woke up.

It's just not fair. He was supposed to be one of the good ones. I gave that man my entire fucking life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 01/07/2010 05:15

We were even discussing when to have our next baby. Well I was asking him and he was just nodding because he was too spineless to say anything. Aaaagh. Fucking hell. All our plans, all our dreams. We were going to have two children and then he was going to leave his job and become a SAHD and write too. So much for that. I told him that - he'd never be able to leave work now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 01/07/2010 06:31

Oh god I've just found a love letter. Oh bloody hell.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 01/07/2010 07:24

There will be more awful stuff to come - be prepared. The affair bubble has been burst now, reality will be hitting him big time. Remember be strong and dignified. Look after yourself, get your hair done, some new clothes etc, go out with mates. Now it's about you and not him. Let him stew a bit.

Thinking of you.

Hai1988 · 01/07/2010 08:27

I have just been reading ur story shaz10 and i am so sorry to hear that u are going though this.

Dont really have any advice i just wanted to say stay strong and show that twat whats hes missing

Otterlybotterly · 01/07/2010 08:48

Shaz you OK? Are you at work?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 01/07/2010 08:50

Just caught up with this thread. So sorry you're going through this Shaz Thinking of you.

Original poster
Shaz10 · 01/07/2010 09:15

Yep, I'm at work, I'm ok. Did think about calling in sick but it's ok once we're going. Fortunately there's lots of 'independent work' going on!!!

OP posts:
Otterlybotterly · 01/07/2010 09:21

You are doing fantastically well. Have you made a 'list of things to do' yet? Remember, ask for and accept as much support as you can.

Original poster
Shaz10 · 01/07/2010 09:23

List?

OP posts:
abedelia · 01/07/2010 09:59

List.

  1. See solicitor. Make sure you get a good share of his money. Why should your child's lifestyle suffer because dad has been outed as a massive self indulgent cock?
  1. Get solicitor to send him letter outlining just how childcare will be split (again, make sure you don't get all the dull duty week stuff and none of the more fun weekends. This will become important when dc hits school age). The letter will help ram home that THIS IS IT and he has caused it. And THIS IS HIS LIFE from now on. My H seriously hadn't considered what pursuing his little escapist fantasy would mean in terms of being left with only seeing the dcs for a few hours a day, if that. Soon brought him round...
  1. Ask solicitor about how to get him out of the house.
  1. Optional - some people disagree but I say tell all other people what he has been up to, that you have split up and exactly why - inlaws etc. This will help to burst the romance bubble he has, namely that he is not the subject of some novelistic swoonfest, just party to something infinitely seedier and more reprehensible. Let others look down on him like the worm he is.

Others will add more, I have no doubt.