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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

463 replies

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 21:55

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

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Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:35

I thought I was paranoid because I was reading about all the other poor people on Mumsnet who were having a shit time. I thought this was something that happened to other people.

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bananalover · 29/06/2010 23:38

you are going to find the next few days really, really hard.
Agree that your DH will realise that grass is not greener, and will eventually come crawling back...but at the moment he is caught up in the dizzy heights of a new, fun relationship.
This could all have come about because you have a young baby...he may be having doubts about his ability to be a good dad and has become embroiled with OW as a reaction to this.
i don't think he really IS in love with her...just THINKS he is.
You are being so strong at the moment...keep it up.
Don't forget, your DH is the one in the wrong...you are entitled to ask him to leave if his prescence is too hard for you right now. Yes, he may well go to OW, but you could possibly get over this better if he was not in same house as you. Living together but not 'together' is really hard.

williewalshsballs · 29/06/2010 23:40

As mrs. Rhett said, focus on you and your son. He is not the man you loved. how he could behave like this at the time you need him the most is unimaginable. As he's made his "choice", I think you should ask him to leave. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He can't expect to continue living in the family home.
Good on you for transfering funds. What's the financial situation? You need to seek some professional advice about agreeing a settlement.
Keep your dignity. no need to interact with ow.
As for the weight and scars, they will fade/ggo. I'm sure you're beautiful with them. I feel really so sad for you.

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:40

Do you think I should go to work? I am a teacher. I have people at work I can talk to, but they will also understand if I don't go in. I can distract myself quite well but I don't know if I should be distracted, if you know what I mean?

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Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:41

We both work full time, earn enough. My Dad is also ok for cash . Money will not be a problem.

I don't want to think about settlements etc yet. I can't think that far ahead. I don't even want to think about him leaving the house yet.

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Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:44

You are all so lovely, thank you so much. Mumsnet is ace.

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bananalover · 29/06/2010 23:46

Has he actually said that he wants to leave to be with OW?

williewalshsballs · 29/06/2010 23:49

how long has this been going on? how did you find out? Has he explained how it happened?
Sorry, I can see how you might not want to think that far ahead. However, what has he said he wants to do?

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:50

He says he's in love with her. And not me. I think he did say he wanted to be with her and not me.

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SolidGoldBrass · 29/06/2010 23:50

Tell him tomorrow that you want him to leave the house at least temporarily. He can't really expect you to carry on cooking and cleaning for him and having him carrying on as normal when he has told you the relationship is over.
Then get some legal advice, sort out the practicalities at least as far as knowing what you are entitled to. Let your friends and family rally round and help you. This is horrible but the pain will not last forever, you will survive.

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:51

I kept hearing her name. Then he did some things for her that a friend would, but it was just odd. It just got more and more. He says they've only kissed once and not slept together. Since Easter apparently, but he claims he's stopped fancying me before that.

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Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 23:53

I might be going to sleep soon but I want to thank you all. I'll be back.

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williewalshsballs · 29/06/2010 23:55

hmmm I would be very skeptical. Did he say what he wants to do?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 29/06/2010 23:56

You're in shock Shaz - and it's horrible and feels as though the world has stopped turning. There's not a feeling in the world like it.

Do come back when you can. So many of us have been through this. Hope you get some sleep. Work will understand if you cannot go there tomorrow - just do what's best for you at the moment and be kind to yourself.

bananalover · 29/06/2010 23:57

Try to get some sleep. Thoughts are with you and DS.

TheCrackFox · 30/06/2010 00:05

Try and get some sleep.

SGB is right, you need to get him out of the house (even if just temporarily) to give you some head space. This isn't just about what he wants, your feelings count too.

PrettyFeckinVacant · 30/06/2010 00:12

Hi Shaz, so very, very sorry that you are going through this.

I went through the same 2 and a half years ago. I know where you are now and I know the pain that you are feeling.

You are going through a form a grief. Your future has changed. The man you married isn't who you thought he was.

I seriously doubt he is telling you the truth about how far they have gone. He may eventually let out the truth in dribs and drabs.

Is OW single/married? If you ask him to leave do you think he will go to her? Could you ask him just to go to a friends/relatives?

In hindsight, I so wish I had asked h to leave for a while when I found out. You need time to get your head around what he has done.

Maybe if he doesn't see either of you he may be in a better position to make a decision.

lowrib · 30/06/2010 00:18

"He says they've only kissed once and not slept together"

While possible IMO it's unlikely.

My ex for example started saying by saying they didn't sleep with each other, he apparently thought of me and couldn't do it. Total bollocks, which he finally admitted much later.

Just because my ex lied doesn't mean your H is lying, of course, but I do think it's quite common for people to admit what they think they can't get away with lying about (i.e. there's something going on) but then to not have the guts to actually admit the sex (why admit it - no one else was there so what actual proof is there?!)

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 00:18

Sleep is not forthcoming!

I think he does want to go to her. I asked what she said when he told her about tonight, he says she wanted time. So who knows?

She is single, mid 20s, We are mid-late 30s.

I have barely eaten in days with the worry. I suspect this may have sparked him into saying something. He has heard me cry myself to sleep many times and done nothing. I think he felt guilty because he realised it was because of him. Tonight I crumpled into a corner and cried and cried, and he just sat and watched me, kept saying "I'm sorry". I don't know what I would have done if he had reached for me but I wanted him to try at least.

He offered to go to a hotel but I couldn't face the empty house. I think I'm hoping that I will wake up and it'll all have been a bad dream. I'm quite good at denying bad stuff.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/06/2010 00:29

Shaz, people often say that they stopped being in love/fancying their partner before the affair partner loomed into view, but I have rarely known that to be the case. Usually, because some people can only form one emotional connection at a time, they force themselves to distance from the primary partner to let the affair partner in.

It might be too early for you, but one of the things I want you to do is to timelime when you first started to feel that things were amiss. See whether that was after he'd met her and become friendly with her. I'll bet it was.

I also think you're going to hear this story by stealth. Again, I have never once heard of a man leaving before he has had sex. Since your H sounds like a romantic idiot, I would imagine that this is a friendship that long ago crossed the line and that since he had sex with her, his feelings have deepened - or rather he thinks they have. It is however very often a complete illusion and won't withstand real life at all. Affairs are so often about fantasy, especially when they happen during a stressful time when the weight of responsibility (newborn) is heavy and daunting.

If it will help you tonight, tell us the whole story and I will stay online for as long as I can.

lowrib · 30/06/2010 00:30

Perhaps she has blown him out? What will you do if she turns him down?

FWIW I couldn't imagine what life would be life after splitting from my ex of 10 years. But do you know what, it's great. The idea of still being with him now gives me the horrors! This bit is horrible, but you will get through it.

You need to try to be strong and look after yourself and your little one. It's up to you what you do, we are only words on the internet, but if it was me I'd hope I had the strength to ask him to leave.

Sending you hugs xxx

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 00:44

I've just been in and asked him about 20 times if he slept with her and he says no. I think I almost believe him. I do think he's behaving like some lovestruck schoolboy and he really is a tit. But I still love him (although not enough to want him to be happy with her ha ha ha ha).

They've worked together for a couple of years. It's only recently (in the last few months) I've been hearing her name more and more though.

There isn't much to tell. He has been withdrawing for a while now but I was on ML and assumed I had too much time to think about it. I do think the times fit. He never said I love you unless I said it first, and not often then. He's always been helpful and supportive but he says he's in love with her. I think he stopped saying it out of some twisted sense of not wanting to lie to me.

There have been a few incidents. One is when he said he ran into her on that thing that turned out to be a date. We also went to a friend's party. We went separately (my idea) because he was working and I had to get back home for a delivery. I assumed he was following on and he was 2 hours later. I gave him loads of shit for that (and have just done again because I just remembered it). There is a third and fourth (happened this weekend) but if I go into detail I may out myself more than I probably already have. He has been getting really secretive about his phone, something he never did before. I found a photo on his phone, nothing dirty but it was inappropriate for a work colleague. I confronted him straight away but he lied to me about it. Fucking hell.

He is so good with our son and he is a really easy baby. I'm having trouble believing that it's that much of a responsibility.

Their work changed significantly around March time and they all got really stressed. I think this fits with what he has been saying about Easter.

Shit, I really do need to go to bed soon.

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lowrib · 30/06/2010 00:49

I'm just on the way to bed myself, I should have gone quite a while ago.

Sending you sleepy vibes, I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

lowrib · 30/06/2010 00:51

I'm sorry I can't stay up later but I'm shattered. If feel like you want to cry, let yourself. Tears have chemicals in them which calm you and make it easier to sleep. HTH

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 00:52

Night lowrib, thank you. I've got a hypnosis thing on my Ipod, I'll try that.

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