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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

463 replies

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 21:55

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/06/2010 00:52

Shaz, one of the things that will help your poor battered esteem right now is to take control. Ask him to leave. Once they've both got to face the outside world with what they've done, it will seem much less like a romantic fantasy, I assure you.

He won't admit sex because he knows you can't prove it. But frankly, if he's giving up on his marriage and child for someone he's only kissed, he really is in some kind of romantic haze and being a fuckwit. I mean, can you imagine doing the same?

NinaJane · 30/06/2010 01:01

Shaz10, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel so sad for you. For some odd reason I am having trouble sleeping tonight, so if you find yourself awake at some point and need to chat, then I will be here for you.

pinksmarties · 30/06/2010 02:35

You sound so lovely and he sounds like a total idiot.

I was where you are ...2 years ago..

The pain you're feeling is unbelieveble,

He is weak and pathetic

you are strong and amazing

make him leave tomorow

don't let him see you cry anymore, you don't get any of your emotional needs met by him anyway.

Dignity = power

go to a solicitor next week for some advice

Be strong and calm and cool, even though you feel like you're dying inside.

you'll get through this,

I have.......we all have

Lots of love xxx

dismantlethesun · 30/06/2010 02:37

Shaz I'm going through something similar,ish. Just found out about an affair (or 10, who knows) and P says he didn't have sex with her. I think they will always say what they can get away with. Don't believe him.

I love P too, and I want to believe him. I so badly wish I had never found out. But I did and I know he is not to be believed. You deserve better than your H. I promise you, be strong. Your son deserves a happy mum.

I know how you feel saying you don't want him to go to her, but surely it's better to kick him out than wait for him to leave? Let her know he is only with her (if he goes) because you have rejected him. Then it won't be a happy fairytale for them.
Take control. A least for a while spend time away to see things in the clear light of day.

I hope you are alright.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 03:05

I think I don't care if they've had sex or not. He's going anyway so what does it matter?
I have decided to ask him to leave in the morning. I will ask him to be gone by the time I get home from work. If he can't hold me and tell me he loves me then I don't want him there.

I've just done something really naughty. I found his wallet and in it was his old SIM card. I put it in my phone and tried to open it but he had changed the pin. I tried too many times so the pin locked, so I just threw it out of the window. Ah well.

OP posts:

dismantlethesun · 30/06/2010 03:11

if you ask him to go, it's you who is chucking him over this- that means you have power and dignity and he is a snivelling piece of sh*t. I'm sorry you're having to go through this though- any chance you can get some sleep?

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 03:36

I've been listening to stuff on my Ipod for a bit so it's dozing I guess! I'm going to try again.

OP posts:

dismantlethesun · 30/06/2010 03:38

be strong shaz

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/06/2010 04:04

I hope you're getting some sleep, but I wanted to pop in and express my sympathy in the meantime.

And you're right that acting well makes it worse for them. You're doing brilliantly.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 05:11

Hi all. I didn't get any sleep, just lay listening to my Ipod. Got to get up soon anyway.
I shall be asking him to leave this morning. I don't want to see him for a few days. Knobhead.

OP posts:

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 05:25

Knobhead indeed. Good luck Shaz - stay strong.

RuthieCohen · 30/06/2010 07:48

Shaz I think you're brilliant. Good luck today.

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 08:00

Right, at work now. I told him this morning I want him gone by the time I get back, and told him to pack enough stuff for a few days, because I don't want to see him for a while. It was really sad saying goodbye.

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 30/06/2010 08:02

so sorry to hear this ! stay strong.. x

LisaD1 · 30/06/2010 08:30

Well done Shaz, you have definitely done the right thing, although it must be tearing you apart inside, you have to do what is right for you and your gorgeous son, you both deserve more than a disloyal fuckwit!

Stay strong.

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 09:46

Go Shaz! Will be thinking of you today - have been in v. similar situation as have so many of us. Have you told friends/family/people at work - started cranking up your support network?

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 09:48

And while I think of it...I used to work in an office with a guy who left his wife & young child for a colleague. We all thought he was a complete bell-end and neither of them got any sympathy at all. Their grubby affair imploded after a very short time (don't know the upshot - I left!)

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 11:31

Have started telling friends. Boss and close colleague at work know. They have been so lovely and are letting me slack.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/06/2010 11:36

You must be on your knees with tiredness. Is there anyone who can come tonight to let you get some rest, because as we all know with a baby, work just resumes again when you get in from your paid job.

Telling people must have been hard, but it was the right thing to do. Asking him to leave is absolutely the right thing to do too. Where is he staying?

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 11:39

I don't know where he's staying and frankly I don't care.

My mum looks after my boy so she can help when I get home, also he usually sleeps through so I'm not too concerned.

My friend has just told me she thinks it's a midlife crisis, her brother did the same thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 11:40

I don't know what I think about so-called midlife crises.

OP posts:

superv1xen · 30/06/2010 11:40

oh shaz how sad for you

good on you for telling him to go. act strong even if you don't feel it. its the best thing you can do even though inside you are desperate to beg him to stay. it may be that he is just caught up in the excitement of the unknown and may well come crawling back if this new "relationship" isn't right. but if he does, ask yourself if you would really want someone back who would do this to you and your son.

keep posting, there is some great advice on here.x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/06/2010 11:44

Well it might be, although he sounds a bit young for that. It depends on how he was feeling prior to this affair starting - old, unattractive and out of potential? I think it's more likely that he is someone who finds an escape mechanism when responsibility looms large, or when life seems mundane and weighed down.

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 11:51

Or it might just be that he is a knobhead.
Glad to hear you're doing OK today Shaz - look after yourself.

superv1xen · 30/06/2010 11:54

i agree with otterlybotterly!

midlife crisis, my arse!! i dont believe in them anyway - they just sound like something made up by men so they can act like twats. he isnt even that old is he, what did you say he was, mid 30's??

how long have you been together btw?

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