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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I thought I'd been reading too much Mumsnet!

463 replies

Shaz10 · 29/06/2010 21:55

But it turns out I was right, he is having an affair. Claims to be in love with her and not me. Shit shit shit shit shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 12:04

He's 38 this year. We've been together nearly 9 years, married for 4.

OP posts:
PrettyFeckinVacant · 30/06/2010 12:53

I'm with otterlybotterly - Knobhead!

Just on a lighter note - Robin Williams says that men have a brain and a dick but only enough blood to run one of them at a time. Very true I think.

Shaz, I am in awe of you. I so wish I could turn the clock back and have found the strength to kick my h out the day after I found out about his young tart.

Taking control is so important. You will feel stronger.

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 13:02

It was you guys that did it. I didn't know what to do till I came on here. He's being irritatingly reasonable. He knows he's being a twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 13:05

I really want to ask him where he's staying. Do you think I should?

OP posts:
lovingmy2 · 30/06/2010 13:09

I have just read your thread and feel so for you. Shaz10 - remain strong because you are being completely amazing.

He will soon realise what he is missing. Why don't these f*g men think about and put their children before their knobs!!!!! You r the mother of his baby boy. Arrrrrrrgh makes me sooooo mad

Glad work being understanding though - a class full of children is tough when you've had no sleep. least it's on wind down now x

lovingmy2 · 30/06/2010 13:10

No pretend you don't care. You do - obviously. Just wrap your time up in you boy and Mumsnet to keep you occupied.

TheCrackFox · 30/06/2010 13:12

Don't ask where he is staying, he will only love the attention. Pretend you don't care.

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 13:17

Thanks guys. I'll keep my mobile out of reach!

OP posts:
monkey9237 · 30/06/2010 13:22

Hello Shaz10

So sorry to hear you are going through this, and sorry to rush (am at work) but as you will see a lot of people (me included) have been through this. I too found out about my OH affair when our baby was 11 months old and was that he didnt love me. I have the c-section scar and weight gain. Many many of us know just how you feel.

There is lots of EXCELLENT ADVICE here. It really helped me a year ago. Keep strong. You are a better person than them. Dont give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset or give her the satisfaction of confrontation. Self-preserve for you and your baby. Snoop where/when you can, make notes of any account/tel numbers that you don't recognise. Sleep if you can or at least lie down and take some quiet time. For now, its about you and your baby, forget him and his selfish behaviour. I too was told there was no sex initially until I found out there had been.

Sorry I dont want to patronise or sound like some smart-arse. The process begins now and there are so many of us here at various stages along the way.

Take care of you and your baby. x

thesunshinesbrightly · 30/06/2010 13:24

I think you are amazing to bet he will soon realize what a massive mistake he has made.

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 14:22

Keep it up Shaz - you're doing brilliantly. Don't ask knobber where he's resting his cheating, lying carcase. Don't give him the satisfaction. Have you had anything to eat today?

LoveBeingAsleep · 30/06/2010 14:31

Oh dear you poor thing. I think you need to make a decision now about whether you would want him back if he came and said he was sorry and wanted to try again. The answer will help you decidee what to do next. Kepp talking though as its not good to keep it in.

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 14:38

Hi guys, this is all brilliant, thank you. I've not eaten anything today but I'm drinking loads of Lucozade. I managed to have a little nap at lunchtime so that wasn't too bad.

I am still completely in love with him but have no idea how I could trust him again if he came back to me. To be honest I don't think he would ask. He knows he has hurt me (didn't stop him doing it though) and he knows he has been completely unreasonable (ditto). I think he'd be too embarrassed to admit to his mistake.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAsleep · 30/06/2010 14:45

I'm not asking that to raise hopes, just because so many men do ask to go back and you need to be prepared. He might not, but then again, next week, next month, next year he might. KNowing before he asks you is a good way to help you to move forward plus helps you decide what you want to do next. FWIW I think it is sometiimes seeing the ex getting on with her life that makes her suddenly attractive again.

Otterlybotterly · 30/06/2010 14:50

I can see LoveBeingAsleep's point - but I don't think you have to make any decisions of that kind yet. He'd have to demonstrate his trustworthiness first - and given that he has just yesterday driven a coach and horses through your family that day is a long way off yet - if it ever comes (sorry). Help yourself to enough space and time - don't be rushed. And lucozade is all very well, but just a little solid food is a good idea too...

countingto10 · 30/06/2010 15:05

Shaz10, I was in your position last year. You are in shock atm and FWIW, I think you have done the right thing by asking him to leave. You have to take control now and be prepared for your emotions to be all over place and unfortunately (or fortunately ) you probably won't have a weight problem a couple of months down the line (I lost about 2 stone in 6 weeks).

I would advise you to get some legal advice to find out where you stand should you not be able to repair your marriage. Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (I'm sure you have heard it mentioned on here before) and I found this site very useful - a bit american but some useful articles on repairing marriages and healing yourself.

You have just started a rollercoaster ride and you have to decide how you are going to deal with him should he ask to come back and repair the marriage. What I would say is give yourself a lot of space and time atm, do not rush things, do not confront OW (unless she confronts you like the OW did in my case & ) and try and "detach" yourself from your H as much as possible for the timebeing, only contact re child access and money. You need to see actions from him now ie all contact with OW to cease and a commitment to go to counselling for himself initally and together later if YOU chose to repair the marriage.

Good luck.

HappyWoman · 30/06/2010 15:35

only just read this - sorry you are going through this - it is shit.

Your emotions will be all over the place for a while - one minute you want to cut his balls off and feed them to him and then you want to cuddle him and make all the pain go away - these very different feelings are very normal.

As time goes by you will be able to focus for longer and will actually be able to function too and then you will find you are a lot stronger than you can ever believe you are right now. And in that strength comes some peace with yourself too.

When you are ready start to do more for you - be angry for now and shout and scream if you need to but try to do something that is just for you each day - even just having a bath and watching something that you want to.

On a practical note get some legal advice - it is very scary but also helps dispel many fears you may have.

You will be ok and whatever happens you will get something out of all this.

Take care

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 17:57

I got home earlier, cried on the way in because I knew he'd left.

Until......

I looked in his wardrobe and the only suit he'd taken was the one with the ripped pocket!

I laughed and laughed

OP posts:
TeeBee · 30/06/2010 18:05

You are definitely gonna be okay! :-)

Original poster
Shaz10 · 30/06/2010 18:10

I know where he's staying (hotel) because I read his emails am intuitive

OP posts:
FolornHope · 30/06/2010 18:13

shaz id try not to be too understanding
i have heard the " midlife crisis" thing about peoples affairs and tbh he has done it as he doesnt love you. brutal but true.
I would presume its over and move on. be angry be very angry but get advice nad get divorcing him FAST whil he still feels guilty.
you may need a family member to help you get on with it( spec the money bit)
if you procrastianate she will start encouraging him to be tight fisted and it will all take a lot longer.

DillyDora · 30/06/2010 18:16

Hang on in there Shaz and watch the chaos unfold - he will very probably regret his choices as MrsRhett says and then come crawling back (by which time you will be over him and just feel slightly embarrassed that he is crawling back to you and you say...err, no thanks, sorry (cringe!))

Success is the best revenge - be fabulous rather than vindictive. I totally understand the urge to do bad things but it ain't worth it, better to get your hair done, buy new clothes, get fit, be a wondrous mum to your lovely little boy and wear lipstick at all times (well, ok, maybe not all times... )

I know it doesn't feel like it but you'll be alright, Lovely.
xx

DillyDora · 30/06/2010 18:28

Doh - posted before I'd read the whole thread - sorry. Re mid-life crisis - oh purleeeease!

Look, having said all this a friend of mine went through a similar thing to you, she booted him out for a bit and he came back and they're fine now so.... it took a lot of work I think and changed the dynamic of their relationship forever - in her favour!!! She was so ace at being 'single' and separate from him, I think it really shook him. Ha! Of course, she has forgiven him, but her friends have not

LittleMissHissyFit · 30/06/2010 19:28

Shaz, so sorry to hear that you are going through this, only just saw this thread and had to stop by to give you a hug.

You'll get through this, we will help you.

verytellytubby · 30/06/2010 19:37

Am so sorry. Wishing you lots of strength. He's a fool. You sound amazing.

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