I know where OW works and when she is on shift - shall I go and humiliate her?

[ShouldiOrNot]

Fors -
I can see what she looks like
She can be made to look small and seedy
I can humiliate her by throwing a £10 fee as H obviously didnt pay her for her services
She will think twice about knowingly having sex with a married man again, hopefully
It will wind H up when he knows I know her and have confronted her
If all goes well my dc will know that to commit adultery has consequences

Againsts -
May be thrown out of the shop
Um....may lose my dignity or not get any words out above a squeak with anger

would you? I am tempted and have nothing to lose, and seriously it may make her think again.
H has been kicked to the curb and humiliated too btw so dont think i am just blaming her, im not. It's just she took something that did not belong to her and why not tell her?

Over to you jury ............

oh yes i will "get over it" as my dcs sob again for what their dad has done - we were only separated not legally, so their - and my- hopes have been thoroughly dashed.
Your post has showed exactly what you are too, talk about hard hearted and self-righteous

"deranged" for being upset our husbands slept with other people? I am not advocating burning them at the stake - just letting her know who i am and maybe she will think again another time. She wasn't married to me I know, but she isnt blameless.
Yes - am totally off the wall

Shouldi - that's the thing. Why do you have to be the one to punish her for what you assert she has done 'to you' (not that she has done anything to you, as far as I can see)

It's not up to you

Let karma sort it out but don't set yourself up as judge and jury.

Your feelings are valid and real and they will fade with time. But they are nothing to do with her and not dependant on what you do to her.

Your fantasies are OK as fantasies and completely understandable but to carry them out would be the equivalent of a lynch mob instead of a trial.

Maybe recent eventa have tipped you over the edge from a rational sane member of the public to an aggressor of mighty proportions or perhaps you were already like this before it all happened

We don't know that

but whichever it is, there's no justification, excuse or reason for you to attack this woman in any way.

Of course you are not just going to 'get over it'. It must be hard .

But it still means you may regret doing anything, it may make you feel worse.

Well FA I will never agree that she hasnt done anything to me, but I appreciate your POV and take on board the points you made, thanks

Thanks Marsha

I am not hard hearted at all. I know what it is when someone you love hurts you. But he left you. He wasn't coming back and now he has a new girlfriend. Your children will only have had hopes that he was coming back if they were led to believe he might. You need to get some dignity, sort out the legal stuff and accept that he has gone.

ONE DAY YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE who treats you right and you will wonder why you spent so much energy hating a woman who hasn't done anything to you.

Okay

speaking from having seen it from both sides...and wishing you luck!

I've read most of this thread and I have been cheated upon.

My H lives with OW and I have not confronted her nor do I intend to. I have a huge amount of self respect and dignity.

But I do hate the woman, and yes, I have met her.

I cannot understand how some people can say that the OW has done nothing in the infidelity and it is all down to the man. It takes two, my blame is equally apportioned.

Agree with the above - many women are anxious not to blame their own husbands at all, which is unfair, but to say 'she's done nothing to you' is just not true if she knew the bloke was married and went ahead anyway. It is wrong to do that on her part. They both share the blame.

The OW in my case knew full well that my H had a wife and 2DC, she went ahead anyway. What does that say about her, never mind him.

They do seem very happy together now, and luckily I am not bitter, although it does hurt so much as I do love him, he is a great guy.

(I know some of you will say, no he is not great , he cheated on you PT)

I have 'lost' and have to move on.

But going back to an earlier post I will blame her, always, just as I will blame him, she could have said no and he didn't have to go looking.

Something tells me Fab's been the OW in her time.

Awesome, I don't think it's fair to speculate. Take her words at face value, she's trying to help no matter what her past experience.

Partytime - I am sorry you've been through this. Fwiw when it happened to me I didn't actually blame her at all. I felt a bit resentful for a few months, basically because I was envious, but I was furious with him.

I had fantasies about doing something to hurt him back, but never did - and I thank God the opportunity wasn't there because I would hate myself if I had acted on them. It would have brought me right down to a very low level.

It wasn't about maintaining the moral highground, just I would be so ashamed if I had done something bad to someone who simply didn't want to be with me any more.

It would have been totally, totally stupid and wrong. Plus they would have had justification for thinking I was an eejit.

I don't really feel anything much about the woman he ended up with - she's probably quite nice, she's never done anything to me, and he chose her and lied to me, but then, he was probably scared of my reaction which was not pretty. (you know, the begging him to stay stuff)

I've met her a couple of times and she tried to be friendly, which was appreciated. I have a feeling now though that he is probably doing similar to her. I'm not sure. And a part of me wants that to be so, not so she gets hurt, but so it proves it wasn't my fault he did it to me iyswim? So it proves it's his issue and I couldn't have prevented it somehow.

Envy played a huge part in my feelings towards her at the time...the idea someone else could be his 'answer' and not be abandoned by him was almost unbearable. But I think about it far less these days. I would go as far as to say I like her, and forgive him.

Take it from somebody who believes in revenge, confronting ow will only end badly. Keep your self-respect and dignity. You WILL have to go to court at some point and your children might find out.

FantasiesAreFineJustDon'tActOnThemTiggaxx

I'm with Flight on this stuff... It's crap being cheated on and it hurts like hell but the OW is irrelevant.

I've been on the receiving end of some pretty concerted "campaigns" by married men. Really, full on "woo-ing". I've also watched loads of them doing this to other women. Admittedly I work in Sales in a very male dominated industry so I'm not necessarily mixing with the most scrupulous types but I honestly don't understand why they got married in the first place...

I love that Mum72 made note of the shouty Tesco wife's "great handbag"

seriously OP - you've asked for opinions and many wise women have advised you to steer clear of the OW. Please listen to them (but if you really can't at least ensure that you've got a fabulous Mulberry on your arm in case an MNer is watching)

Erm, actually, she IS blameless.

Who the hell are you to let her know who you are.... you are his EX.

He was separated. He was 'free'.... it's utterly down to him. If you approach her, you will confirm any crap he's told her about his Ex.. and that is what you will be to him now, you will entrench her, cos she isn't doing anything wrong.

OK so he could be on the rebound, it is pretty unlikely to be a lasting relationship, but nonetheless, he's separated from you, he's done the right thing in splitting before starting another relationship.

Men are very different to us when it comes to breaking up and moving on. We women need time to grieve, they, most often, just need to get back on the horse as it were.

Sorry to be harsh shouldi, but he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

I know it's crap, I know you're angry and that it hurts (understatement of the year) but the sooner you pull yourself up by the boot straps and get on with life, the better for you and for your DC.

The more bile-spitting, venomous teeth-gnashing you do, the more you will justify his position. For the sake of your DC, and for yourself, you have to keep it together put all this this behind you. Focus on the future, not the past.

"as my dcs sob again for what their dad has done"

mm... current thinking is that it's better not to discuss partners' infidelity with the offspring. It only adds to their hurt and confusion. Still, what's done is done I guess. The responsible thing now, irrespective of who did what to whom, is to try and co-parent as effectively as possible.

Still dead curious to know who initiated the separation and for what purpose, but it's not the most important thing going forward.

If she was actually the OW you would, in all likelihood, look foolish.

Given that she is not in fact the OW but is simply the new girl friend then you will look barking if you confront her.

As Ross keeps saying in "Friends" - they were on a split-up. Or rather, they weren't - they were separated.

Ok. Personal anecdote.

I met a very nice man. And he really was, genuinely, nice. I became friendly, just that, with him.

He had split with his wife, and they shared custody of their child. In fact, she was the one who had initiated the separation, but it was amicable. Indeed, she was dating other men. He was dating no-one.

W bacame closer, and I was contemplating becoming even closer.

But I didn't. Why not?

One night, a woman approached me at a party, introduced herself as the ex-wife, confirmed all the above details, and then proceeded to inform me, in a not-so-veiled way, that she "checked-out" all her ex- partner's potential new girlfriends, and was prepared to beat up any that she felt "weren't going to take him seriously enough" or might "emotionally hurt him". She was "protecting" him.

I decided, then and there, that, lovely though this man was (and he really was,) he clearly had had the misfortune to attach himself to a scary, scary lady, when younger. And whoever tried going out with him would have to deal with her. Presumably for a long, long time.

This was, clearly, why he had dated nobody since splitting up. She was committed to ensuring he had no personal relationships, other than with her. Even though they were not together, she was controlling his life by terrorising women. Nice.

She had absolutely no right to do that. And nor do you.

Oh God I just hate this kind of thing.

I am sick of the dramas and stories where a woman does something horrible and degrading to another woman OR a man because of infidelity and we're supposed to punch the air "You go girl" and praise her for being feisty and strong. But if it was the other way round it would be treated as what it is: stupid, nasty and potentially criminal behaviour.

That aristocratic lady (Lady Sarah Moon) who became a minor celeb for doing about £30,000 damage to her husband's property because he cheated on her. Or that Lily Allen video where she gets her mates to beat up and poison her ex. Hilarious.

No one doubts the pain that being dumped causes (it has happened to nearly everyone at some time) but your partner is not your property and they have the right to be with someone else if they choose. They don't have to justify it to you or anyone else.

And I also disagree with telling children about his wicked unfaithful behaviour and making them cry. What was the OP hoping to achieve? She has a long future of co-parenting ahead so she might as well be civil for everyone's sake.

What about when a woman forms a relationship with another man and leaves the marriage. Would it be prudent not to tell the children about the man or is it different for women?

Well you can clearly see here why some people get dumped: because they are spiteful, self obsessed and nasty.
If you ever seriously contemplate committing assault and criminal damage after someone dumps you, then the lesson is: that;s why you got dumped. Because your now XP could tell that you were childish and aggressive and decided to bail out on you.

Awesomewellies I have never been the other woman

Thanks Flight .