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Original poster

I know where OW works and when she is on shift - shall I go and humiliate her?

209 replies

ShouldiOrNot · 23/06/2010 23:21

Fors -
I can see what she looks like
She can be made to look small and seedy
I can humiliate her by throwing a £10 fee as H obviously didnt pay her for her services
She will think twice about knowingly having sex with a married man again, hopefully
It will wind H up when he knows I know her and have confronted her
If all goes well my dc will know that to commit adultery has consequences

Againsts -
May be thrown out of the shop
Um....may lose my dignity or not get any words out above a squeak with anger

would you? I am tempted and have nothing to lose, and seriously it may make her think again.
H has been kicked to the curb and humiliated too btw so dont think i am just blaming her, im not. It's just she took something that did not belong to her and why not tell her?

Over to you jury ............

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/06/2010 02:17

Having (honestly) traced the owner of a purse AND left a note on a parked car that I crashed into in a car park, I do have high expectations of others' consciences. Actually, I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who didn't have those morals either, Secunda and it's the message we're giving our DCs too - that honesty brings its own rewards.

Fortunately, they've found that to be the case up till now, whether it has been by owning up to something that someone else was being blamed for, handing in lost property at school or giving support to someone who is in an under-dog situation.

I don't believe that everyone is out for themselves either, or that no-one gives a shit. That's a rather Thatcherite "there is no such thing as society" notion for my liking and fortunately, doesn't accord with my experience of humanity.

I don't think treating an OW with dignified contempt makes anyone look "inferior" actually - just the reverse.

secunda · 24/06/2010 02:27

If you expect nothing, you'll never be disappointed. Fine to be honest yourself, great, and probably the best thing for you. But if you have high expectations of other people's consciences, you'll be let down most of the time. Certainly don't rely on them for your own happiness, that way madness lies.

jasper · 24/06/2010 03:04

You cannot be serious.
People will think you are a bitter loon and no wonder your husband was unfaithful.

How can you not see that?

eidsvold · 24/06/2010 04:44

hang on - she was not married to you was she? Why would you behave in such a shabby, ridiculous way?

Your ex-dh whatever is not a possession - he did not belong to you - she did not take your toy?!?!?

Go to the store and behave like a nutter and give ppl reasons to say See - now you can understand why he cheated on her/left her.

Even the whole - so you are felicity and shite - are you 12???? seriously.

Walk awya - you obviously don't want him - he did not want to be with you. Plenty of men do not cheat on spouses etc - yours just happened to. Let him go and get on with your life without him.

Janos · 24/06/2010 08:12

How you feel is understandable, and of course you can think about it but don't do it.

OW is an unknown factor. Ok it might make you feel better. But equally it might not. It might even make you feel worse. What if she taunts you? Enjoys your discomfort? What if you break down and she laughs at you? Don't put yourself through that.

WWIFN speaks a lot of sense here.

catwalker · 24/06/2010 08:14

Having rung up the ow once and cornered her when I saw her out on her own I can honestly say that I didn't feel any better for losing my cool...but I didn't feel particularly worse either. I don't really care if she thinks I'm a mad woman or not. It did give me the opportunity to point out a few things that she was refusing to acknowledge; but it also gave her the opportunity to say a few things which have played on my mind since and for her to treat me with contempt which did nothing to calm my state of mind. With hindsight I probably would have gone down the 'dignified' route and that's the line I'm taking now. Anything else would suggest to her that she matters in some way - and she doesn't any more.

WWIFN - I too have left a note on a parked car that I clipped. When he rang, the owner couldn't believe anyone could be so honest. I also recently caused a major hold up in a local shop when I pointed out that the assistant had given me change from £20 when I'd only given her £10..... I don't think I'm a particularly good person, it's just called 'doing the right thing' and it's what I expect people to do - whether I know them or not.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/06/2010 08:16

I don't understand why people DON'T think the OW is ever to blame as she "doesn't know you"....I have turned down a married man before, whom i REALLY fancied, just because it isn't right to do that to someone's wife....sisterhood??

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 24/06/2010 08:17

However I don't think you would feel better if you spoke to her, and might regret it afterwards. (having held back in same situation and being glad I did now)

Anniegetyourgun · 24/06/2010 08:35

One of the DCs picked up a wallet full of cash and cards in the supermarket carpark once. I couldn't see an address or telephone number, so took it into the shop and got customer services to take it in as lost property. Then-H was really cross with me, said all sorts of stuff like finders keepers and the shop assistant would pocket the money and on and on... I said I am happy to have done the right thing, it wasn't MY money. Anyway I've had a lost handbag returned to me in the past and it felt like returning a favour to humanity, as it were. And it was important in my view that the DCs saw the right thing being done.

In hindsight I'm fairly convinced that XH only wanted me to keep the money so he could call me on my dishonesty later, so there's an extra reason not to have done it. And an extra reason for him to be ex.

EcoMouse · 24/06/2010 08:35

I didn't, don't and never will regret facing X's bint. It was an extremely empowering moment in a situation where I felt I otherwise had none.

Mumcentreplus · 24/06/2010 08:40

I see a correlation between honesty and outrage at the OW...

Anniegetyourgun · 24/06/2010 09:04

Nah, mine was just a rant at the ex again!

To drag the conversation back to the original subject, I do think that if you know a man is married you don't go there, as a matter of honesty, and would think a great deal less of someone who does as a general rule (can think of one or two exceptions). And if it were one who'd nabbed a man of mine I would no doubt be very angry as well as disgusted. However, I do think confronting her is likely in most circumstances to be unhelpful at best and disempowering at worst. I gather EcoMouse's meeting went well and am pleased, but you can't always guarantee it won't backfire spectacularly.

I have to agree with WWIFN (when do I not?) that the OW often is equally to blame, though it's also true that sometimes she has been lied to; likely this one has popped on her rose-tinted spectacles and sees herself as the kindly rescuer of this poor man whose beastly XW has driven him to drink alone in a caravan. In that scenario she'll be so smug and self-righteous that you'll itch to slap her, and if you can't restrain yourself you are very likely to be escorted off the premises, leaving her smirking even wider. Don't give the stupid wench any more excuse to think she's the cat's whiskers.

ps I'd be strongly tempted to pop to the shop just to take a look at her, with the intention of not saying anything, but actually it will not get you anywhere except more bewildered and frustrated, either "dammit she IS more attractive than me" or "wtf, he thinks THAT is more attractive than me?" Waste of time and anguish. She's irrelevant anyway.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/06/2010 09:09

Sorry, getting confused a bit here, beer-in-caravan man is another thread... but I dare say you've probably done something else equally horrible to your poor XH (even if it's news to you!).

LoveBeing34 · 24/06/2010 09:12

I think I wouldn't be able to not go and see what she looks like but I wouldn't have a go. Tbh her work mates may well know all about what she was doing.

It's not going to change anything or make you feel better.

Gay40 · 24/06/2010 09:29

I don't think "sisterhood" ie hands off married men actually exists. What might exist is "oh I'm not playing second fiddle to his wife and kids" or "bugger if I'm going to be with someone who has to fork out a chunk of their salary to keep the ex and kids"

If married folk choose to play away from home, I can never see the point in getting angry with the other partner. It just deflects away from the real issue.

LadyBlaBlah · 24/06/2010 09:35

I would do it in a heartbeat

You have every right to humiliate her. She knew what she was doing and she deserves it. It is nothing to do with women on women. She, as an individual, behaved knowingly in a repulsive manner to you, and thus deserves SHIT for it.

I don't think you will regret it

Silence is the coward's way not the dignified way

Gay40 · 24/06/2010 09:38

She'll get shit - she now has to put up with a bloke who will cheat on her as well.
Sit and swivel, as we say

clairebear28 · 24/06/2010 10:41

i would too!!!!!!!!!!

flowerybeanbag · 24/06/2010 10:50

No. You are an adult not a 12yo girl.
You will look like a loon and everyone will think 'no wonder he left her, silly cow' and 'she belongs on Jeremy Kyle'.

harleyd · 24/06/2010 10:52

i wouldnt, you are gonna look pathetic

harleyd · 24/06/2010 10:53

besides, if i was the other woman i would just stand and laugh at you, take the tenner and go for a pint

without · 24/06/2010 10:54

Someone I know has been seeing a married man - not much in the way of sex I understand mostly friends (but she's not the first...!). His wife doesn't know about 'the friend' at all and they've been friends for several years now (and work for the same organisation).

I don't know the wife at all but am wondering if I should somehow let her know so she can keep a tighter reign on her errant husband.

My ex-husband cheated on me for years and I was really cross people knew and didn't tell me, but is it the right thing to do?

saintmom · 24/06/2010 10:56

would so do it!

in a away by not doing anything would make you look foolish and timid.

it also depends how you do it i would just go in there very calm and wouldnt shout, would just talk in a very calm collected way that way she cant think what a loon, by talking in a calm and collected manner would so give you the upper hand by saying that yes i know what youve done but you are that low that im not even going to bother shouting or raising my voice at you.

the kind of attitude that bree has from desperate housewives.

If she also knew that your DH was married it will tell her not to mess with other peoples husbands.

JaxTellersOldLady · 24/06/2010 10:56

I would say no, dont do it. You will look like a loony and how do you know that the OW knew he was married?

No doubt your 'D' H will have concocted all sorts of lies.

RuthieCohen · 24/06/2010 10:59

in a week / month / year's time you will be so pleased that you did not do this.

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