I know where OW works and when she is on shift - shall I go and humiliate her?

[ShouldiOrNot]

Fors -
I can see what she looks like
She can be made to look small and seedy
I can humiliate her by throwing a £10 fee as H obviously didnt pay her for her services
She will think twice about knowingly having sex with a married man again, hopefully
It will wind H up when he knows I know her and have confronted her
If all goes well my dc will know that to commit adultery has consequences

Againsts -
May be thrown out of the shop
Um....may lose my dignity or not get any words out above a squeak with anger

would you? I am tempted and have nothing to lose, and seriously it may make her think again.
H has been kicked to the curb and humiliated too btw so dont think i am just blaming her, im not. It's just she took something that did not belong to her and why not tell her?

Over to you jury ............

You could go in, shake her hand calmly and say "thank you for sleping with my husband and making me realsie what a git he is. Goodbye."

And leave.

But you have to be VERY calm.

Yes I know wwifn. I suppose the issus arises because every case is unique.

I suppose I am thinking about a scenario where the other woman knows the bloke is married, but he insists he loves her, so she says Ok then, I am up for that, whatever it takes, if you are really unhappy at home. But you need to tell her becasue deceiving her is wrong and I hate this affair, I want us to be together but you need to be honest and decent about it.
The man repeatedly rejects this suggestion because, honestly, he doesn't really want to leave the marriage - and the other woman is caught in a holding pattern until either he decides to own up and set his life on a proper course again one way or another, or the wife finds out some other way.

This is only one situation, but ultimately, the other woman, if she loves the bloke and believes what he says about their relationship but wants to do the 'right thing' is pretty stuck. She can't tell the wife - that's his responsibility. She can't tell anyone else. She can leave him and ask him to get back to her when he has decided, but then she might be afraid of losing him, and it would still be classed as an 'emotional affair' and blamed on her anyway.

It all depends on the situation.

Sorry flight, but I dont agree with you here. No one has to have an affair with someone who is married. Some people choose to do this and then they justify their actions with all sorts of reasons, usually directed at the inadequacy of the partner who is being deceived.

It isnt, nice or honest or kind behaviour and the OP is justified in being angry and hurt at both parties.

The OW doesnt have to be an OW at all. If she has any standards, decency or self respect she shlould just walk away, particularly if there are children involved.

I concur the OP has a right to be angry and upset. I am simply trying to tink around it as though there is more than one possible situation when an affair happens, and sometimes the other woman is really not comfortable being party to deceit, and actively campaigns for it to stop.

It is really a question of how long she gives the bloke to comply with this.

Anyway...having put that side of things I will go and do something else, I hope that is a bit clearer - I'm not trying to defend women who become involved with married men, but I don't like to see them all villified together under one hideous term such as 'slapper' or whatever. It isn't always, if ever, appropriate.

Secunda,I think StubbornHubby's first suggestion was the good one!

The hosepipe would be fun but,wouldn't want to help OP on her way to a criminal record.

It is up to him to be loyal to you not her.Have some dignity and let it be

Okay let's look at this scenario. OW meets a guy and they meet again and again and hey presto! they fall in love. However, down the line she 'finds out', he's married.

Now she has two options here. Either leave or stay.

She leaves because a) he's married and has told her a lie and deceived her or b)she has a moral standard and has no intention of breaking it.

She stays because a) insecurity of losing the bloke she loves and being on her own b) there's a boost to the self esteem about being one above on the love/sex stakes when it comes to other women.

Elastamum +1

mate of mine did this
was a big disaster. she rang her to have a go and the OW blardy listened then cut HER off
she was reayl corss!

words like 'slapper' are just ones that people apply when they are sulking about the fact that the way someone has chosen to use their sexuality is not to their liking. Personally I think calling someone a slapper/slag/slut/whatever screams bitter old woman, especially in these circs.

@ secunda - agree. I hesitate to even write the words. I hate them. No call for it at all. Can't stand the term 'bitter woman' either btw

Yes but one can be objectively bitter. I frequently am. No one is objectively a slut. What does it even mean? (wait I know - someone who has slept with more men than me. God I'm bright)

or even 'bitter old woman'

I think cases where the OW realises belatedly that her lover is married are rare actually. In fact of all the affairs written about on this board, I can think of none in the past 2 years and I've never known of one in RL.

I don't think many women are that stupid, or easily fooled actually, but if they are and the truth emerges later, they are in a relationship with someone who is lying to everyone. Therefore what chance does a relationship stand with this as a foundation?

I've therefore got enormous respect for women who refuse to be duped like this and tell the bloke where to get off.

Also, if more women spoke to one another and compared stories about the "dead marriages" they are being told about, there would be less opportunity for deceit. Instead, women pit themselves against one another and compete for what is a very tarnished prize....

Don't. At least not in front of people. Someone I know did this years ago and the other woman was a very cool and sophisticated customer who came off looking dignified whereas the wife looked bitter and deranged. Especially as the husband left for the OW anyway. Vent your anger at your husband. Your marriage is his responsibility - not hers.

"slapper" and "bitter old woman" - all insults directed at women by women...

The people I know with mm know they are married, they just see it as another obstacle (unfortunately).

Don't do it op, it will backfire and you will feel worse.

And I should say I think women should walk away if they know the man is married. His choice can be to leave or not.

(and vice versa)

WWIFN - men call each other wanker, twat, bastard, cunt, tosspot etc. ad infinitum. Why do you expect women to be all sweetness and light?

Welllll... I do know an OW who didn't know her MM was married at first, but I'm fairly sure she had her suspicions; it was more that she made a point of not finding out until it was "too late", sort of thing. After that she could persuade herself that it was all right because she was smitten, and she wasn't taking anything away from the wife. She didn't half say some bitchy things about the wife mind you... but that was all right too, it was only to me, not to her husband.

... oh sorry, they weren't bitchy, they were true. Jolly good.

But secunda just because guys do it doesn't mean to say this behaviour is acceptable.

I wouldn't do it myself, there's no point creating a drama althoug you feel hurt. Have you done anything to him apart from chuck him out???

you need to get her photo and plaster her photo everywhere saying this woman is an adulterer... after a reasonable waiting period. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

no, oldenglish

the OP's husband is the adulterer

thanks AF - stike adulterer and replace with 'whore'.

She will feel shame - she may try to laugh it off but she will be ashamed. I have a friend who was named in the divorce papers as the other woman. She was not smug far from it she was thoroughly ashamed, she never did that again.