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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know where OW works and when she is on shift - shall I go and humiliate her?

209 replies

ShouldiOrNot · 23/06/2010 23:21

Fors -
I can see what she looks like
She can be made to look small and seedy
I can humiliate her by throwing a £10 fee as H obviously didnt pay her for her services
She will think twice about knowingly having sex with a married man again, hopefully
It will wind H up when he knows I know her and have confronted her
If all goes well my dc will know that to commit adultery has consequences

Againsts -
May be thrown out of the shop
Um....may lose my dignity or not get any words out above a squeak with anger

would you? I am tempted and have nothing to lose, and seriously it may make her think again.
H has been kicked to the curb and humiliated too btw so dont think i am just blaming her, im not. It's just she took something that did not belong to her and why not tell her?

Over to you jury ............

OP posts:
ShouldiOrNot · 26/06/2010 11:24

Yes that I can imagine is the kind of mentality she has too, which is why I am wondering whether to bother naming her if it makes the dc or me suffer more in the end

OP posts:
Gay40 · 26/06/2010 11:26

You'd be better taking it out on your husband, frankly. After all, it was him who chose to lodge his cock elsewhere. Vent your spleen by all means, but vent it at the correct target.

ShouldiOrNot · 26/06/2010 11:28

I have thanks as i have said elsewhere. The fact remains though that he could commit adultery alone and she was the person who he did it with, knowing he was married (so he says which i realise isnt full proof)

OP posts:
ShouldiOrNot · 26/06/2010 11:29

sorry of course I meant "couldnt" not could!

OP posts:
Gay40 · 26/06/2010 11:31

It's nowt to do with her.

mamas12 · 26/06/2010 11:34

Course it is she was lodging the cock stp!
Do it

Bobbalina · 26/06/2010 11:39

Unless OW is a friend of your then save your anger for your dh

sincitylover · 26/06/2010 12:08

maybe we should just have public stoning for ow

it's easy to divorce for unreasonable behaviour

me ex and i seperated in the August and divorced the following feb - whilst we were separated he dated someone and then met his now p - however I would never have thought of either of them as OW. Yes technically we were still married but the marriage was long dead and so it was not a big deal.

In fact it wouldn't have been a big deal if he had started seeing his now p whilst we were still married as things were that bad.

beanlet · 26/06/2010 13:46

"we were separated-a few weeks, not ages"

Then legally speaking, your marriage did not break down on the grounds of adultery, and you can't name her on the petition (though it could form part of an unreasonable behaviour petition). Nor is she an OW. It's still perfectly understandable that you're furious that your H found someone else so quickly, but really, these days it's not unreasonable for the separated to start seeing other people. If your H told the OW he was separated, he was telling her the truth, and she's really done nothing wrong.

Flighttattendant · 26/06/2010 14:12

OP you really are sounding like a spoiled toddler now.

It's ridiculous.

'Well she was the person he did it with'..I mean, move on! He'd have found someone, I guess, and I have zero idea what you would seek to gain by punishing her.

It's not going to bring him back, it's not even going to make you feel better. Seriously, it's not.

You weren't even together when it happened

Really...get over her.

animula · 26/06/2010 14:13

I can't help but feel that if the OP were male, the dynamic of this would be far clearer.

OP, you are controlling you ex by harassing his new partner. It's deeply unpleasant. People aren't there for you to be aggressive towards if they don't do what you want.

Flighttattendant · 26/06/2010 14:15

exactly Animula - and all they did was have sex. They didn't plot to murder you or something. They liked each other. It's not a crime.

He was not WITH you when it happened and she has done nothing wrong.

sincitylover · 26/06/2010 16:56

think some people would like it if it were illegal tbh

sincitylover · 26/06/2010 16:56

sorry not well put should have said 'like it to be illegal'

FabIsGettingFit · 26/06/2010 17:07

Most people know that a separated man having sex with someone who isn't his wife is not committing adultery..

ShouldiOrNot · 26/06/2010 17:43

Seriously Fab? Is that the law?

OP posts:
ShouldiOrNot · 26/06/2010 17:44

Then darn it I dont have grounds for divorce for his adultery

OP posts:
FabIsGettingFit · 26/06/2010 17:49

Why would you? You were separated.

If you were both together when he shagged her then he was committing adultery.

The law doesn't work on morally.

Spidermama · 26/06/2010 17:59

I haven't read all the thread and it seems I may be swimming against the tide here but I can tell you than when the palm of my hand connected with the face of the woman who had been having an affaire with my husband, it felt really good.

I didn't seek her out but bizarrely chanced upon her at Victoria Station.

ShouldiOrNot · 26/06/2010 18:02

You are wrong Fab thankfully.
Have just googled and the courts view us as married (of course) and if you have sex with someone else while married you are committing adultery, separated or not.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 26/06/2010 18:10

Spider - were you charged with assault?

vinauchocolat · 26/06/2010 18:16

No, if there is a formal separation then there is no adultery. There's a lot of case law on it.. I will try and find book (unless my preg/BF addled brain is wrong)

Anyway point is, your H wronged you. The OW was single and did not wrong you, imo.

You should keep your dignity. I was the OW once upon a time without my knowledge (I was told he had been separated for 10 years!) anyway, the wife did not retain dignity at all, I was punched 3 times and I didn't even know who she was. I did not realise he was married. She now feels ridiculous, but she committed a criminal offence and I could have easily reported her to the police and she would now have a criminal record.

Mum72 · 26/06/2010 18:19

I can imagine the temptation, I really can but something I witnessed a few good years ago would make me not bother.

I was in Tesco once and witnessed a confrontation between, I am guessing, a wronged wife and the mistress.

I was looking at the fish fingers when a loud booming voice took over the most part of the fairly large Tesco store saying
"So whats it like sucking your own shit off my husbands cock your filthy slag/slut?"

The whole shop went silent. I have to admit to leaving my fishfingers in the freezer to witness the incident along with most of the other shoppers. There was a red faced shaking young woman stuttering something like "I I I D D D Don't know W W W W What Y Y Y You're on about"

To which the wife threw a torrent of abuse at the OW -lots of Fcks and something about a saggy cnt and enjoying up the arse on a Tuesday night when she was at the Gym or somewhere! Eventually she was removed by security Literally redfaced, crying (with anger I think)and still screaming torrent of abuse.

The OW stood there and yes people also stared at her, I noted a few sneers in her direction but nothing more. The main attention was on the wife, who could still be heard shouting despite being out of sight.

The "wife" looked well turned out, nice hair, sophisticated clothes and a fab handbag. Purely based on her appearance I would guess that she was normally a level headed decent member of society. However, her behaviour - (no matter how hurt and angry she was) made her look like a complete nut job.

I wonder whether she thought she could just go in for a look at the OW or for just a quiet word to get her point acorss but rage and emotions over took her??? Ofcourse we'll never know, but would you want to be dragged out of Tesco backwards kicking and screaming in rage??

Have your fantasies about all the different ways you could get back at the OW and share them with your friends. Talk it through, laugh about it but dont carry it out in RL. You will come through the anger and pain one day.

beanlet · 26/06/2010 18:20

"if you have sex with someone else while married you are committing adultery, separated or not. "

But his relationship with her is not the reason you separated, ergo it can't be the grounds of your divorce. You might be able to use it as proof of ongoing unreasonable behaviour -- which is just as quick as divorcing for adultery. But you'd be better off posting this query in the legal matters section.

Spider, what you did was assault and the OW could have pressed charges. You could have claimed provocation, but it was still unlawful.

And TBH you're both beginning to sound deranged.

FabIsGettingFit · 26/06/2010 18:21

And your post at 18:02 just shows what you are.

You just want to get your own back on her when really she has done nothing to you. Your husband left you then shagged someone else. get over it.

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