looming awkward encounter

[stubbornhubby]

So here's the thing: Mrs S and I are going to reunion at my old school (the school is about 900 years old, or something, just everyone will be there).

From the guest list that came round I realise that one of the people that will be there is Old Flame (mine). Fair enough: that's what you expect at school reunions.

BUT

• what Mrs S doesn't know is: about a year ago OF and I had lunch together.. after she found me on facebook

So... an awkward encounter looms.

What, mumsnetters, Do I do ..

My ideas are

A - mention in advance to Mrs S that OF and I had lunch (ouch....)

B - email OF (we haven't seen each other since) to confess that I didn't tell Mrs S about our lunch and would she please not mention it (but that makes the lunch seem a bigger deal than it was)

C - go to the reunion but keep a constant watch for OF and whenever we see her.. quickly run and hide

D - go to reunion and hope OF has the sense not to mention it

E - go to the reunion and bluff 'of course I told you darling..... what? didn't I? are you sure? no, I must have done'

F - something else

I am figuring on C

but I just know that mumsnet will know what's best...

it's prob that troll bloke journo again anyway.

I was going to ask the same thing foureleven.

When you met the ex, did you actively lie to your wife about where you were going or what you had done that day?

Agreed, and your husband thinking that you are thick is very upsetting, as is him trying to mess with your reality (as in the nasty option E)

Well, if it is him, it's probably exactly the kind of thing he's done in RL

personally i wouldnt be bothered by something like this, because my DH is with ME now, and tbh in my experience exes stop being attractive when they start being an EX!

just mention it to her. if she makes a big deal or not, at least she knows. its not like its a big deal...

How about :

F) Miss the reunion

G) Don't be such a twat next time - sure your wife could handle the idea of lunch, it's the lyign that's totally shifty.

Good luck with that!

Can you have a general chat with your wife about whos going to be there so she knows who people are.

There's Rupert who did X.
I've not ween him since we left
Bob is a X now, he always was a ...
OF, actually I had lunch with her last year sometime. She works near me.
Charlie used to do blah blah blah

It's the truth but softened and treated as an inconsequential thing. Which is what you claim it is..

Doo not lie.

Christ - whatever you do don't do your plan

I would go apeshit if DH dropped one like that on me and that not only did I have to deal with his dishonesty but also had to immediately keep my composure in front of Old Flame.

I would just go with a grovelling "Got to tell you this - have been a prize numpty not telling you before - sorry sorry sorry etc...." that way DW has time to deal with it before the party. If you don't go, and she still finds out it will be a gazillion times worse, btw.

Oooh - like SoupDragon's advice - good approach!

SoupDragon is brilliant and a genius and you should listen to her.

Don't do your plan. It's not a good plan in any way at all. It is so far from being a good plan that it is, what's the phrase I'm looking for, a really fucking stupid plan.

I'm with foureleven and sayithowitis on this one.

I would seriously contemplate ending my marriage over something like this.

The lies and further lies followed by making her look stupid equate to no respect imo.

Yeah, a journo on expenses! What the hell kind of lunch is that for an OF? Champagne, wine, steak, petit fours and THREE HOURS? You better start taking your wife out for some seriously fine dining.

Anyway, you'll have to buy your way of of it one way or another, me thinks. You have really put your foot it it. The more lying that wraps around this situation, the worse it will be. What a tangled web, etc, etc.

I think you are making the whole thing up

Either way, whether you are scumbag journo troll or genuine - pls grow up and act like an adult.

I think you are quite funny what ever you are and no real harm done.

Howeve, if you are for real you really have made it very clear why men cannot be trusted to tell the truth! You have asked for the advice of a bunch of mostly women. These women have mostly told you to tell the truth and still you try and get round it.

Stupidity reigns!!!!!!!!! (if thats spelt wrong it does not need pointing out!)

Wasn't the lunch descriptions a joke? That's what I thought.

Those 'haha's would kill you in my house though. "Oh this is so funny, what you don't believe me?? You don't get the joke?? you are so dumb..." Nope, you are soo dead...

"A" and depending on the outcome of it, then decide whether to go to the reunion or not.

TBH, when I was married it didn't bothered me if my H had lunch or a coffee with an old flame as I knew I was the one, same on his side. However, I would have find it very very suspicious if H had not mentioned anything about it.

Tangentially, I am astonished by how many women would leave their partners for this. I mean REALLY?!

Jeebus...

Just rereading:
D - go to reunion and hope OF has the sense not to mention it

hope OF has the sense not to mention it

What's that all about then?

hmm, clearly i need to reconsider my numpty plan, but first

@piratecat - alas, no I am not a journo troll on expenses, I am just a regular class of numpty who didn't completely think this through. 'typical man' might cover it.

@Jfly - when I said I was teasing I meant that the lunch wasn't really like that. In fact it was beans on toast in Suralans' losers' cafe off the apprentice (In fact I am teasing again.. it was somewhere in between)

@flightattendant - no i am not making it up. I hadn't previously seen OF for 20 yrs, how was i supposed to know I'd be running into her again in a year ?? It's like being in an Alan Ayckbourn play.

@cornflowerB - purleease - it's Old Flame, not OW (and not even ex-lover, come to that)

@newleaseoflife - thank you

@soupdragon - practical, clear, sensible advice! I like it (can I buy you lunch?) (joke)

So : fess up using the soupdragon method.

hmm. I am still attracted to the do nothing option.... and just hope the subject doesn't come up... and simply be apologetic if it does.

hmm2 ... I am so dead.

This is your wife speaking StubbornHubby! Can't believe I had to find out about your 'lunch' on an internet forum but hey ho

I screwed the carpenter last week, forgot to mention it, haha, I so funny

Seriously, would love something like that to happen

Tell her the truth toe-rag!!

Also, Headbanger, If I were to find out about something like this from anyone else but OH, he'd be out on his ear!

In case you are genuine, my advice is I would not go with your plan.

DP and I went to an event a while back now. He told me we'd been invited by 'Steve' one of his friends. Great. When we got there 'Steve' wandered past and said hi then kept walking. I thought this was a bit rude as he'd invited us but it was a big event so assumed he must just be busy. Felt a bit strange though in my head.

Few minutes later a female friend of DPs came over and said 'So glad you could make it, I'm really pleased you got my text'.

Cue - me not happy. I had to smile and look as though I knew who'd invited us and then discreetly take him outside and beat him to a pulp, metaphorically

I didn't care who had invited us, why would I. But he was scared that I'd be upset a female friend of his had so lied and made it his male friend.

What I'm trying to say is that you should be honest. Its not fair to try to make someone think they're going mad, its gaslighting and its a horrible thing to do to someone.

Actually you sound like a twat. Even considering colluding with the OF over your wife is disrepectful. And why didn't you mention it in the first place?

It was a typo, sweetheart.
Touched a nerve though?

YY, soupdragon's approach (which is basically a version of A , which I think everyone agrees is where you need to go) is a very good plan.

As lots of people have said it's not the lunch that's the issue, it's lying about it. Continuing to lie about it (& we are including lying by omission here) makes the whole thing INFINITELY worse. And only fessing up once there is absolutely no way to keep the lie hidden (ie at the reunion) = a surefire way to undermine the trust that I hope is a core element of your marriage.

You have to find a way to manage A whilst making it seem like nothing.

This depends on your wife/your usual way of communicating - if DH suddenly told me (in passing) about a lunch he had a year ago I'd be somewhat perplexed, but probably not furious - it is JUST feasible that he told me at a time I wasn't listening etc. If he told me about it at a do, in front of the other person, with both of them doubtless blushing as the moment became somewhat sticky ... shit would hit fans.

I agree CornflowerB

Bit toucheeeeeeey eh!