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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looming awkward encounter

193 replies

stubbornhubby · 02/06/2010 23:41

So here's the thing: Mrs S and I are going to reunion at my old school (the school is about 900 years old, or something, just everyone will be there).

From the guest list that came round I realise that one of the people that will be there is Old Flame (mine). Fair enough: that's what you expect at school reunions.

BUT

  • what Mrs S doesn't know is: about a year ago OF and I had lunch together.. after she found me on facebook

So... an awkward encounter looms.

What, mumsnetters, Do I do ..

My ideas are

A - mention in advance to Mrs S that OF and I had lunch (ouch....)

B - email OF (we haven't seen each other since) to confess that I didn't tell Mrs S about our lunch and would she please not mention it (but that makes the lunch seem a bigger deal than it was)

C - go to the reunion but keep a constant watch for OF and whenever we see her.. quickly run and hide

D - go to reunion and hope OF has the sense not to mention it

E - go to the reunion and bluff 'of course I told you darling..... what? didn't I? are you sure? no, I must have done'

F - something else

I am figuring on C

but I just know that mumsnet will know what's best...

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/06/2010 23:44

I'd go for E. Don't avoid her, it'll just end in tears.

Pattertwig · 02/06/2010 23:54

D but collar her first to give her a "don't say anything" plea

DSM · 02/06/2010 23:57

I want to say A...

But I'm going to have to agree with pattertwig.

May I ask, out of sheer curiosity (and because my dp did something similar some time ago) why did you not tell your dw at the time?

commeuneimage · 02/06/2010 23:57

Tricky. How about getting out of going to the reunion? Wild horses wouldn't drag me to one. (Unless I was hoping to be reunited with an old flame of course - unlikely as I went to a girls' school.)

nagoo · 02/06/2010 23:57

belle E? I'd got fucking mental is DH tried E!
Try a variation on B, where you email OF and ask if she is going to the reunion? Is there an invite list on FB so you can see if she is going? then you might not even need to worry any further.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 03/06/2010 00:02

I probably wouldn't remember anyway

said · 03/06/2010 00:12

I'd do E with a twist ie "Well, I didn't mention it because there was nothing really to mention"

CelticBanshee · 03/06/2010 00:30

Why did you have lunch with your ex and not tell your wife?

I certainly wouldn't ask the OF to get on board with your little 'conspiracy', if your wife ever found out about that, there'd be shit on the ceiling.

If I were you (although I wouldn't be, coz I wouldn't lie to my OH ) I'd cancel going to the reunion.

RedLeaves · 03/06/2010 00:43

Thinking about your wife's feelings rather than yours, I definitely think you should do A).

If you think about what she would want, I'm sure it would be A. The ensuing tricky situation is your comeuppance for not telling her before. You may well get some good stuff out in the open and hopefully not have secrets like this between you again.

Colluding with the OF is the worst idea and hopefully beneath you.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 03/06/2010 01:10

Um, tell the truth.

Why not?

What excuse did you use to rationalize seeking contact with a woman with whom you have romantic affiliation, and not telling your wife?

Yeah yeah, she found you on FB, but you agreed a meeting and kept it secret. Bogus IMO, sorry.

Flighttattendant · 03/06/2010 07:21

Oh you are stuffed.

Tbh you deserve it.

LoveBeing34 · 03/06/2010 07:29

The lunch is not the problem, if you ran into her and had lunch that would be different but you didn't you exchanged messages, possibly over a number if days and arranged to meet for lunch. This is what you should be worried about. The lunch is one day for s couple of hours, the contact and contact was for a number if days/weeks (?) and that is what your wide might have a problem with you keepingfrom her.

Personally if you tried to say you had told me znd I knew you hadn't that would make me very angry as well as thinking there might be more to it!

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/06/2010 07:32

I agree, E is a horrible idea. You should go with A, but TBH I'd probably go with C/D because I'm a coward.

maddylou · 03/06/2010 07:36

You probably didn`t tell your wife because you thought she would think it was more than it was --you were protecting her from being upset and you were intrigued to see old flame

Does your wife know about previous girlfriends?Has she previous boyfriends?Is she married?

B if you can do it without wife or old flames partner finding out--or can you text?

HappyWoman · 03/06/2010 07:44

not B

should be A - but then she will want to know why you didnt tell her - and probably if you wanted to keep the honesty going its because you didnt want the fuss in the first place - or something more to happen???

Could try E in advance - ie - 'remember i told you about lunch a few months ago' But then it is making her out to be stupid.

The worst thing is that OF comes running up and thanks you for lunch. And if she is determined to spill the beans you will not be able to avoid her all night.

FWIW - i meet up with an OF and didnt tell dh in advance - not sure why really - but i think a bit of me wanted those old feelings to still be there (but not act on them iyswim).
The spark had gone though and not sure how i felt really.

kentishtown · 03/06/2010 07:52

most definately not B. or E (I am sure Mrs S not a fool!)

Tell Mrs S about the lunch, i think. downplaying it of course. but not so much that you appear any guiltier than you are....
How guilty are you is the question: I mean, a secret lunch is not high treason, but it does somewhat depends on your intentions at the time of arranging said lunch. If you were just curious to see what happened to her (not unreasonable), then confess this now and accept your time in the doghouse, no big deal. If on the other hand things are more serious/go deeper than this, then you have to a major heartsearching about your family etc etc before saying anything as your wife will for sure guess this.

Hopefully it was not such a big deal and you can reassure her of this!

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/06/2010 07:57

Definitely A - all the rest could come back to bite you on the bottom.

Does OF have a significant other? Wonder if she told him?

TheBossofMe · 03/06/2010 08:04

A - your only option.

Of course the better option would have been to either tell your wife at the time or not go to lunch with OF.

Muppet

Original poster
stubbornhubby · 03/06/2010 09:11

I am a so stuffed muppet

@DSM - well TBH several reasons for not saying at the time

  • partly it was the time of the whole kitchen table purchase so i was keeping my head down
  • partly I think it's the Homer Simpson reason "I'm really sorry, Marge, but I swear to you: I never thought you'd find out"

Your suggestions are good mumsnetters, I still fancy the hiding option. But keep them coming.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 03/06/2010 09:17

A and go through with the fall out.

It will be less than if she finds out during or after the reunion. If I were your wife and I found out during the reunion and you made me look like a complete fool, you would be sleeping in the shed.

TheBossofMe · 03/06/2010 09:26

DO NOT HIDE

Hopefully I shouted that loud enough for you to get the message!

Be a man! Tell her, and it doesn't look so bad. Don't tell her, and you will be found out and it will be horrible....

BaggyAgy · 03/06/2010 09:52

Hi,

Did you tell your wife you had made contact with OF on Facebook? Was it a secret from the beginning?

If I were your wife, and you suddenly tell me about a secret lunch just as I am about to find out, I would seriously wonder how many other secrets you were concealing. I would know that you only confess when silence becomes impossible. I would consider that you were looking for affair opportunities. I would be very hurt and very mistrusting.

What other secrets do you have from her? Do tell, and we can assess your situation better.

It would be interesting to hear why you didn't keep in touch with OF. Was it because there was no sexual spark, and you were not interested in just being friends? That is what your Wife will think.

CelticBanshee · 03/06/2010 09:53

It's quite easy really

For one sec, put the shoe on the other foot, your wife saw an old flame while picking out her kitchen table, he asked her to lunch.. she went and didn't tell you..

Now there's a kitchen table reunion, what would you prefer she do?

A) Tell you, get it out in the open, apologise for being deceitful, you're in the loop

B) Tell her fancy man that you're a thicko and you don't know, to keep it a secret between the two of them.. (Imagine you found out about that later? )

C) She brings you along but ducks you under the table every so often, you're confused, why is she being mental?

D) She brings you and hopes her fancy man will keep schtum, but why would he? Of course he thinks her husband knows, why else would she bring him along?

E) She brings you and then questions your mental sanity and hints that you're losing your mind.. (nice )

F) She cancels

So, as you can see by my insightful hypothesis, (A) really is your only option here. You could go with (F) but that's rather cowardly.

You're a dick for not telling her in the first place, but you can earn some respect by coming clean now

LoveBeing34 · 03/06/2010 09:55

What you're not getting is the fact that you are the ave typical man, you are only prepared to admit what is proved to your face and when your back is to the wall, no more, no less and even then you'll try to deny it to begin with. This is why women do not believe men when they say "honestly there's nothing else for you to find out"!

ib · 03/06/2010 09:58

Why would your wife care? Does she keep track of your lunch appointments?

If it was me and dh, and I found out he'd had lunch with an ex and not told me about it, I would be completely unbothered (unless ex was a good friend of mine and I'd have liked to be invited along or something)