looming awkward encounter

[stubbornhubby]

So here's the thing: Mrs S and I are going to reunion at my old school (the school is about 900 years old, or something, just everyone will be there).

From the guest list that came round I realise that one of the people that will be there is Old Flame (mine). Fair enough: that's what you expect at school reunions.

BUT

• what Mrs S doesn't know is: about a year ago OF and I had lunch together.. after she found me on facebook

So... an awkward encounter looms.

What, mumsnetters, Do I do ..

My ideas are

A - mention in advance to Mrs S that OF and I had lunch (ouch....)

B - email OF (we haven't seen each other since) to confess that I didn't tell Mrs S about our lunch and would she please not mention it (but that makes the lunch seem a bigger deal than it was)

C - go to the reunion but keep a constant watch for OF and whenever we see her.. quickly run and hide

D - go to reunion and hope OF has the sense not to mention it

E - go to the reunion and bluff 'of course I told you darling..... what? didn't I? are you sure? no, I must have done'

F - something else

I am figuring on C

but I just know that mumsnet will know what's best...

My partner did this, I still think he is a cock and it still upsets me now. I found out about a year ago.

Tell the truth. My partner lied, then pretended he had already told me and attempted to convince me I had forgotten.

I don't trust him now. If you do anything other than A I don't think your wife will trust you either. Not a good place to be really.

ib, would you really chat to an ex via facebook, then arrange to meet and not tell your dh at all?

It's not the lunch that's the problem here, it's the fact he lied about it.

I wouldn't mind my OH meeting an ex, I would mind if he arranged it and went ahead with it without telling me

ib I was bothered and still am because of the subterfuge. He lied.
The op is planning to lie. And also possibly ask someone else to collude in that lie.

I think that pretending that you already told her is fucking awful by the way. Have you any idea how upsetting it is to know that something off kilter has gone on but not be able to get to the truth of it because your partner is trying to make out you are losing your marbles?

If my partner had told the truth straight away I would have no problem at all. I have never worried about female friendships because I thought I could trust my partner.

Eijit.

A: probably morally correct, but likely at this stage to create huge levels of pain & mistrust. I would be seriously furious with DH (not for the lunch, but for keeping something like that secret) - this is a small thing that you have made into huge trouble.
B: sides with OF against your wife, dodgy ground.
C: way too risky - if OF finds you and then lets cat out of bag = worst case scenario
D: too risky - unless she was aware it was cloak & dagger stuff
E: not a hope - unless your wife is spectactularly forgetful/you can come up with a reason she forgot that you were having lunch with an ex.

Actually, I have an F for you. Tell her that OF has got in touch & that you're going to meet for lunch before the reunion (hope to God she's happy with this). Then tell her about the real lunch, so that details match up. Then if OF talks about it - as long as she doesn't mention dates - you're good. White lie to prevent pain, imho, just about OK. Never, ever do it again though

But did he lie, or did he just not mention it.

I wouldn't see any reason to mention it to my dh if I did contact an ex or have lunch with one(whether I did or not would depend on whether I had anything more interesting to talk about I suppose). Ditto for him, I presume.

So if I came across an ex of his and it turned out they had met for lunch, I wouldn't be bothered, or want to know why he hadn't told me.

I'm not saying the OP should lie or come clean. I just don't see why he would need to do either.

I would take a deep breath and go for A. She will think (rightly so) that you only told her because you had no other real options. Do not bluff!!!!

I always said to my ex that if he told me the truth, no matter how bad I would try and understand but that there was no understanding his lying to me. He lied a lot hence he is now soon to be exh.

Be a man, step up and dont kid yourself that you are trying to protect her... You are trying to stop yourself from getting a bollocking! Imagine her face when this woman says something...

ib, a lie by omission is still a lie!

And I think it's obvious that the dynamics of this relationship are different to yours, otherwise he wouldn't be busy coming up with strategies here!!

don't go. end of.

you berk

'fess up, face the music

I am sure Mrs S is secure enough in your lurve to not be peeved about the actual having lunch, but expect a bollocking for the lying by omission.

Or don't go (but you could still be found out)

It's got to be A - along with a decent explanation for why you didn't tell her in the first place. Be prepared to enter the cycle of 'I didn't say anything because it wasn't a big deal' - 'OK, if that's true, why didn't you tell me...'. You will probably just have to accept that you were in the wrong & live with the punishment.

If you are still tempted to pretend that you did tell her - be warned, this will only work if your DW is the type of woman to forget her own name. On a daily basis. Just don't.

How about you be truthful with your wife.

Why did you meet for lunch with OF? what was you looking for?

Eurghh how lame are you stubborn hubby?

You realise that WHEN you tell her - which you must do in order to protect your (probably too late to save) karma - It wont be the fact that you had lunch with htis woman, it will be the lies that must have surrounded the event.

Where did you say you were going at the time.

You realise you're a dick right?

I've leave my DP for this.

You could show her this thread.... it may soften the blow whilst she laughs at you being told that your a 'dick' 'berk' and all round numpty.

Bless you, I do feel for you. But really!

SO why did you keep it quiet?

Think he still wanted to see if the spark was still there.

what other reason could it be??

Stubbornhubby - come back and enlighten us please.

Sorry, but if DH had arranged to meet an OF for lunch ( as opposed to bumping into them in the street and going ie: unplanned) and didn't tell me about it until he was frightened I was going to find out anyway, I would be extremely upset. I would find it very difficult to then believe that 'nothing else' had happened. because if that was the case, why not tell me when you arranged it? I am totally cool with my DH having lunch with old friends, male or female, but I would really question it if he felt he needed to keep it a secret from me. Because I know DH well enough to know that he is open and honest with me, so a sudden secret assignation with an old flame would certainly concern me. And that would seriously damage the trust in the relationship. And tbh, I don't know how I would regain that trust.

So, sorry Stubborn, I don't know what you should do, but I do know that in this house, whatever you decide would have big repercussions.

OK I admit it, I am a lame, so stuffed, muppet, dick-berk numpty cock Isn't mumsnet great?

Ah, guys, guys, it wasn't an attempt to rekindle an old love or start an affair, it was just a lunch. Just a simple lunch: three hours reminisicing gently about old times in a tip-top rooftop london restaurant, with a glass or two champagne, a bottle of Montrachey and a rare rib-eye steak, followed by coffee and petit-fours don't bite, I am teasing you all, now...

OK no teasing and answering other qu. OF is also married. I don't know whether she told her H where she was, I didn't ask.

I have read all suggestions (and deepdarkwood gets 5 stars for an option I didn't think of) and my thoughts .

• Clearly the idea of colluding with OF is a bad one. Strike that.

• So that leads some variation of option A - fess up.

hmm, I reckon no point fessing up now, lots could happen between now and R-Day

• we might not be able to go
• Mrs S might decide not to go
• OF might not, in the end, actually be there (tho she is on the attending-list)

So my outline plan is

• say nothing for now
• at the reunion begin by looking anxiously around the whole time trying to spot OF
• if OF is there quickly mention very casually to Mrs S "Oh look, there's OF coming this way. Hmmm, I am not sure if I ever mentionedthatihadlunchwithherlastsummerreallytherewasnothingtoitihaven'tseenhersincebutIthoughtyoush ouldknowotherwiseyoimightbeembarrassedhahahah Oh hello OF! fancy seeing you here"

(hmmmm. notwithstanding the no colluding rule perhaps if I get a chance to have a quick word with OF on the day I could say "OF, how nice to see you - Mrs S is just over there, let's go and say hello and ha ha, don't mention our lunch will you, ha ha")

not brilliant but at least i have the beginnings of a muppet plan now. whaddya think?

Your so dead

I think that it is a spectacularly BAD PLAN. FGS - have you taken nothing on board??

Most women hate being made a fool of, and that is precisely what you are intending to do to your wife.

I also think you are an eejit.
If you go with this plan you are going to totally ruin the reunion for potentially four of you (if OW hasn't told her partner) and look like a complete prat. Do you not care about humiliating your wife like this in front of your old school friends?
Just be honest and tell her. Your reluctance to tell her suggests that there is more to this than meets the eye.
It is depressing how 'getting away with it' is the main thing for so many men. Do you never grow up?

Oh, just grow a pair and 'fess up now!

Really bad idea. If it wasn't a big deal, tell her now.

Truthfully? If you tried that one with me, you would be going home alone to find bin bags of your clothes waiting for you in the front garden!

How dare you have so little respect for your wife that you would even consider putting her in that position in front of your OF? If you have any feelings for your wife, how can it even cross your mind to make a fool of her in such a way? You seem to regard the whole thing as a joke. Fine. Hopefully you will still be laughing when she finds out about your deception. I am sure it will be rip-roaringly funny to see the disbelief and betrayal on her face. And how absolutely hilarious to know that you, and you alone, are responsible for doing that to her.

I think having read your last post that you are man who has made the mistake of assuming that your wife is a thicko with no sense.

Dont under estimate her. And stop disrespecting her.

It's highly likely that you are not as good at lying as you think you are..

So... what lies revolved around the initial encounter with OF? This will effect your wifes reaction to all of this.