Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

[CompletelyShocked]

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

hey op - liking eleanor's idea - any chance its that?

think you need yo ask yourself what you want. if you got definite proof would you want to end the relationship? if so plough on with the messages until you get what you need.

if youdon't want to end things then i suggest you confront him. you never know - if its not him you could be laughing about this for years to come.

good luck with this

TheBolter, he could be using his mobile to get onto the site, the reason I mentioned him not hiding his mobile was that I know he hasnt been giving his number out, texting/calling people. I'm not sure how to check the internet history on his phone? Could have a look at that tonight though when he goes in the shower!

The name isnt that unusual other than it has his d.o.b in it.

it's the ex...who has set up a malicious and fictious entry of his details to a trans dating site
with no picture (to "shame" him)
and is now agreeing to meet people

make sense to you?
not me

Oh OK, sorry - maybe he is using his phone . I've no idea whether you can check history on a phone, but even if you can he could be removing all traces.

I hope you get to the bottom of this, CompletelyShocked, and that it's just a huge coincidence.

You can see the sites i've visted on my phone, its very easy to clear though.

fwiw I don't blame you for doing it, not because you thought tere was something but to prove that you were right that there wasn't iyswim.

You've got two choices either carry on messaging and get something one way or the other OR talk to him tonight.

If he's daft enough to use the same username then he's probably daft enough to not clear the history on his phone!

I will have a look tonight. That should tell me for definite one way or the other. If there is no trace of that site on there but facebook etc is there then I'll know its not him as he couldnt have sent me the message before work this morning from anywhere else!

I'm not trying to make things worse but many people who are carrying out affairs have other phones that there partner is unaware of

have a look through the site there are loads of examples

Tbh I think the people that say it is the fidelity aspect over sexuality that is the issue are being very naive.

I have a friend whose husband announced after eight years that actually he felt he was a transsexual and wished to live as a woman from then on. They were in the process of adopting a child and I can only guess that the responsibility of that finally brought him out iyswim.

She stayed with him for two years albeit in separate rooms etc, but after that he decided that he wanted to start seeing other men and so they finally split up.

Because he wanted to live as a woman he (now she) could not legally be married to another woman, and so instead of getting divorced the marriage had to be anulled. So it is as if it never happened.

It has completely destroyed her and she has never come to terms with it.

If your dp is transsexual (and tbh if he is visiting these sites then it sounds as if he at least has issues around his sexuality) then losing him will be like a bereavement. He will no longer be the person you think he is - that person will disappear and be replaced by someone else if he decides to go down that route.

I'm not actually sure whether confronting him is the answer, because although he is exploring these things he may not actually be ready to confront the issue himself and to admit it to himself, esp if he is still stating that he is straight.

What you need to ask yourself is whether you feel you can live with this man, knowing that everything could change at any moment.

If not, then tbh I think the relationship is already over, there is no future with someone who already has so many issues himself.

Ronaldinhio, I know about the other phone thing but have no idea where he would keep it. Like I say, we share a car, theres nowhere to hide it at home, nowhere to keep it in his work overalls. Where else could he hide it?

great post wannabe

so - the malicious ex set up an account with the same username in order to cause trouble? Nope I don't buy that at all. Because that would assume that someone would be checking, googling even, for that username, and why would you assume that people would be doing that?

wannaBe, thank you for that post, makes a lot of sense and even though it has upset me even more, it has started me thinking.

I wish I had a magic wand or a fairy godmother to tell me what to do

op - maybe he's not meeting people.

Maybe he's just exploring, talking to others with transgender issues who are further down the route than he is in order to identify with them.

If he's looking to meet women then it's possible that he wants to identify with what he wants to be rather than to have a relationship with them.

The truth is if it is him it really is better that you have found this out before you get married, for both of you. (That's not me saying you should break up, afterall we still don't actually know whats happening)

Sorry, should maybe have said ealier. I'm not a woman on the site, I'm a man

I can understand that this is a shock for you, but alot of people have facets in their lives that they would not wish to share with others.

Just because he stated that he is looking for an encounter does not mean he will go thru with it. Sometimes its the thrill of having replies. Maybe he is exploring his sexuality, alot of people don not see sexuality as black and white.

I dont agree that he may date people behind your back thats being disloyal and not respectful. So I think you should discuss it with him, about how far he was going to take it.

You said you have a lovely relationship, hopefuly then he can feel secure enough to chat about this part of himself.
I can understand your anxiety due to your past but this is not that an unusual situation.

Give yourself some time to think about what you really need. Then calmly approach him. Maybe writing him a letter would be good as it is less threatening. Though try to keep it non judgemental.

You can both work through this and trust will grow so that you both show your realness.It does sound like a positive relationship.

Or you may find this is a deal breaker for you. Thats why you need space to think about it.

I don't think the ex would have any benefit in doing that, I agree with Ronaldinho. Doesn't make sense.

Maybe you could ask a few more questions via email before (as far as he's concerned) you meet him (tho you won't). It might help clarify in your mind that this is him before you go ahead with talking to him.

You must talk to him when you're definitely sure its him, because something like this will just niggle at you and it can't remain hidden for either of your sakes. I know sometimes there is the temptation to just swallow it and carry on because you love him, but it will just destroy your contentment with the relationship anyway.

Step one- ask a few more subtle conversational questions via email to clarify that its him. Then, talk to him.

eleanor people under estimate the power of the internet. They think it is anonomous and become so absorbed that they don't think about just how not anonomous it is.

If you're in a loving relationship and have ceased going on other dating websites, it's entirely plausible that you wouldn't think about people googling your user name. Why would they?

Ironically this was also brought home to me last night when I discovered that a rl friend is having an online emotional affair. And I discovered it because I found out he had two facebook accounts, one with his internet friends, and one with his rl friends. I was on the internet fb account and I knew about the online relationship because he'd told me he was divorced from his wife (we live in separate countries and I have never met her and had no reason to suspect otherwise.)

When I confronted him about it he became very angry and accused me of nosing around in his life and spying on him. I wasn't. his other fb account came up in a friend suggestion linked to a mutual rl friend - it really was as simmple as that, and he thought he'd covered his tracks so carefully that no-one would ever find out.

And if you're not going to be looking at transsexual dating websites then one might assume that you wouldn't find someone by the same username on one of them. So yes, I can quite see how someone would think he was safe having the same username.

littlejo, maybe thats what it is - a little facet that he does not wish to share. If I'm sure that he's not meeting anyone/contacting them off the site, then should I just leave him to get on with it? But obviously if its gets to the stage where he's secretive with his phone/disappearing without saying where he's going - then confront him?

MadameG, what kind of questions though? I have no idea how men think - what would they ask?

I need to go out now so may go quiet for a while but I will be back later. Will try to clear my head whilst i'm out too

Hope you feel a tiny bit better after going out.

Questions- maybe just say something like 'so tell me a bit more about yourself before we meet' and ask maybe what music/films he likes/ where he lives or something along those lines?

It would give you a way to confirm more that this is definitely your man, which while unpleasant, it might help you get your head round it a little more (and it must be really difficult, I feel for you).