Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

[CompletelyShocked]

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

if you do meet and it's not him you are messing some else around
chances are tiny though IMO

surely she'd know if he was a TS? or are you suggesting he might be thinking about a sex change?

i think ronald's idea is better. an entrapment woudl be taking it too far. and she might be wrong, then what. how could op live with herself while making plans to meet this person, or whatever, and why would the person want to meet her? she is not a transexual.

Does it tell you how long her has been a member or show how active his profile is? That may help? As perhaps he's been a member on there for ages and hasn't logged in since he met you (wishful thinking emoticon) and was replying as he was vaguely interested.

I'm not saying it's right but the fact he's not firing messages back at high speed is encouraging. I'd be more worred if he seemed super keen and kept replying and flirting with you. IYSWIM here?

I think you should be completely honest with him, once your child is in bed tonight and have a chat. Admit it was wrong to snoop but that now you have, you need to be sure it's not him, or if it is, why he's still registered? At least if he's honest with you now before the wedding, you can call it off, worse case scenario. Better now I suppose.

I'm hoping it's not as bad as it seems...

her = he's

because entrapment could be ineffectual and embarrassing for them both and trying to resolve it in an adult way might get a better and more honest response

if you set up a date and he doesn't show up you will convince yourself that there is some other answer but you won't know
he might have cold feet be caught up in work still be getting things straight in his head
but the next week he could be seeing someone
he might already be seeing someone

non judgemental honesty always works better

you'll have to be firm and let him know that anything less than the truth won't work
also he may feel a great deal of shame and you need to be prepared to work through that to get to the truth

Or I could just stop with the messages, try and forget about this and carry on as we were?

It's not like he's out every night and I dont know where he is, or that he's late in from work without explanation, or anything like that. Maybe he's just curious and so joined up to talk to people?

Or maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for him

Could you ask what he does for a living?
or ask what his rl set up is and why he is on the site if he is not a TS?
He may disclose he is about to get married but is curious?

CS...now there's doubt, you have to find out.

Could you do it in a jokey way..

"I was bored today so I googled our names and guess what I found?! someone who matches you exactly on this site... how weird" .. and see how he reacts to that?

either he is in a state of flux over his sexuality or he is interested in others who are or who have been gender reassigned

I couldn't pretend that I didn't have this knowledge but it's entirely up to you what and how you deal with it

completelyshocked - could you live with that?

How could you marry him, knowing that he has a secret, and is possibly dating other people behind your back? If he is honest on his profile, then he wants to date transsexuals. Maybe he isn't being honest with himself, maybe this is the first step to admitting something to himself.

Could you live with him being a transsexual? Would he want to stay with you? Why is he intersted in meeting transsexuals? Is it to talk to them because he is concerned about his own identity, or is it sexual?

These are massive questions? I couldn't go into a marriage with those hanging over my head.

If it were a straight dating site what would you do? Because this is no different in terms of betrayal.

I think that it raises questions about his sexuality or gender assignment pp and therefore is somewhat different than using a trad dating site

op i think you shoudl assume you are wrong - but show him - in a jokey fashion. that might be better. perhaps his dating site that he joined spammed his details? or something?

I know, but there shouldn't be special treatment to avoid embarrassing him, betrayal is betrayal.

Shit

He's just replied, said that yes he would be interested in meeting 'me' and asking where I would be staying (told him that I'd be visiting his hometown)

Oh God, I was hoping he'd say no. Now what? Reply and ask for a photo?

I feel sick

If you are intent on continuing down the messaging route, then someone really talking to him would want to know what he was after - advice, chat, sex, dating?

But I think that you need to stop and talk to him. This is the man you are going to marry. Sit down and talk to him.

Oh dear, scrap my idea then.

Don't meet imo, just talk to him tonight, or even at lunch maybe if it helps you feel better?

Pfft I think you're right. So do I admit that it was me sending the messages or just bring up that I found his profile?

Tell him before you meet you would like more info. Job,family etc so you are not total strangers when you meet??

for you.

You need to check its him before you can talk to him about it.
If it ISN'T him how would he feel knowing you really believed that he could do that to you.

Have you ever had any suspicions about his sexuality?