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Original poster

Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

355 replies

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 08:23

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 02/06/2010 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot · 02/06/2010 09:34

Shit x-posted. Sorry.

Agree with snala

teaandcakeplease · 02/06/2010 09:34

Agree with Lenin. As to how much to say, I'd start with admitting finding profile only and see what he says from there, if it was me.

Poor you OP

SlartyBartFast · 02/06/2010 09:36

step away from the dating site and arrange a talk

PfftTheMagicDragon · 02/06/2010 09:36

completely - well, you don't need to tell him that. It is easy to be focussed on your "snooping" and think that you have something to apologise for.

If you want to, you can tell him that you found his profile and you messaged him to see if it was still active as you were worried it might be him. BUT you are NOT the one who is betraying their partner in this situation. So don't feel guilty and don't let him make you feel that way (if he does). HE is the one at fault.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/06/2010 09:36

Yes, talk to him. If this isn't some bizarre coincidence then this is a man with some issues around his sexuality and/or his gender which the two of you need to discuss.
That's a bigger issue than monogamy, so stop fretting about the fidelity aspect for the time being and talk about how he actually sees his future.

Ronaldinhio · 02/06/2010 09:36

as it's an internet site he's likely to not be entirely truthful
so he may say he's done this all the time when he hasn't or vice versa
he could say he's single and awaiting a gender reassignment when he isn't
or he's just curious when he just can't admit to himself what's going on

it's unlikely that he will straightforward with all the details of his situation with an entire stranger

in that same way that men on trad dating sites mostly lie about their situation and it's part of the deal

EleanorHandbasket · 02/06/2010 09:38

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snala · 02/06/2010 09:39

But it might NOT be him! I know its unlikely but its not impossible.

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 09:41

Thanks ladies, I'm sat here in tears. My perfect future with my perfect man, could be ruined

DD is at a sleepover tonight and DP is supposed to be going to his mum's after work to pick some paperwork up (for the wedding). Do you think I should ask him to just come straight home tonight because we need to talk? I dont want to do this over the phone and I have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of the day at work

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 02/06/2010 09:43

yes defo, good opoortunith with your dd away

LeninGrad · 02/06/2010 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Disenchanted3 · 02/06/2010 09:45

Ask for a photo, thats all you have to do then you know if its him or not.

If it is him don't reply again and dugure out what the hell you are going to do

elmofan · 02/06/2010 09:45

op sorry you are in this position .

soblinkingmad · 02/06/2010 09:48

So sorry.
Does he have to pay to be on the site- could you find any evidence on credit cards etc?

You could string him along a bit more and send more messages to gather more evidence and try to work out when he is using the pc, either at home or work.

Would you recognise his sytle of writing if you continued the messages- and would he recognise you? Think about that.

Could you ask the kind of questions that would enable him to open up so you could identify him more?

If I were you, I think I'd try to gather more evidence over a day or so, then confront him.

So sorry- must be awful for you.

Magdelena · 02/06/2010 09:50

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msboogie · 02/06/2010 09:50

just agree to meet and see if your DP suddenly manufactures a reason to be somewhere at that time. If you ask him outright and it is him he will probably lie.

If he is inoocent he will be furious that you suspected him, but you need to find out now that you have come this far, because if it is him you will have your answer and it will be for the best.

for gawd's sake don't just bury it and carry on as if nothing happened. It will eat away at you.

msboogie · 02/06/2010 09:51

oh and the fact that you googled his old username means that on some level you do not fully trust him.

The best thing you can do now is trust that gut instinct. It is there to protect you.

Magdelena · 02/06/2010 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 09:53

No, you dont have to pay to use the site, so there would be no evidence on card statements.

He must solely be using this site though because his mobile is accessible all of the time, I sometimes even read a text message if 1 comes through while I'm near it and he'll ask me to reply saying x y or z. We share a car so no hidden phone there, and hes not secretive at all.

I would really like to ask him for a photo but, then again, he could send a photo of anyone really. He's already told 'me' that he's shy and tbh if it is him then he definitely wouldn't want any of his friends/family to find out. I dont think he would send a photo of himself.

OP posts:
EleanorHandbasket · 02/06/2010 09:59

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TheBolter · 02/06/2010 10:01

I really, really think you need more evidence before you confront him. I'm not convinced that it's him, personally. If he isn't accessing the site via his phone, ipod or laptop how is he otherwise doing so? It would be a risky game doing this at work, besides you said he replied after he had got up for work? How did he manage that?

If this is him, then he is being incredibly circumspect.

Is his user name an unusual one? Would it be terribly coincidental if someone else chose it?

TheBolter · 02/06/2010 10:02

Agree - he's not being circumspect by using the same user name!

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 10:02

Eleanor, do you know, I hadnt thought about that.

His ex is a bit malicious and they are currently going through a bit of a nightmare situation regarding their joint mortgage and the sale of the house.

Hmmm, you maybe onto something

OP posts:
TheBolter · 02/06/2010 10:03

I think it's the ex.

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