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Original poster

Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

355 replies

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 08:23

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAsleep · 30/06/2010 17:59

As long as you are happy with his explaination.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2010 17:59

Did they not think the "workmate" would also smell something aquatic, since your bloke used his own name ??

llareggub · 30/06/2010 18:07

Well, if that story is the truth then I'd probably question the integrity of such a man. What a horrid think to do to a colleague.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/06/2010 18:12

And his workmates will back him up when you ask them about their jolly jape? Or haven't you done that yet?

Not for the first time am I reminded that the lies told to cover up behaviour often present the person in a worse light...

So as far as your concerned, as long as he's not a promiscuous closet trans-sexual, it's okay for him to be a bully and a liar?

Kahuna · 30/06/2010 18:16

?He explained that he would not get on sites like that at work because of firewalls.?

hmm, so he also lied to you about the works firewall too then? ? or do they only block him from accessing these sites?

HappyWoman · 30/06/2010 18:52

wow - he got himself out of that one well.

And of course now he will have to hide it even better.

You will also want to check up on him more.!!

WhatWouldMadonnaDo · 30/06/2010 19:24

OP: "At least now I know the truth!"

Yes you do, and the utter bullshit that your "dp" has just spun is most certainly not it.

Sorry OP, I tend to avoid passing comment on relationship threads, but think you must be insane to believe this.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 30/06/2010 19:54

Oh God, what a hideous scenario either way. Whatever the reality, he's lied through his teeth and that's an enormous red flag.

If it were all a joke, and I use that word loosely, then why on earth wouldn't he just have said so straightaway rather than go through all of that angst with you?

It really doesn't add up at all, I'm really sorry for you that you're in this situation and I definitely wouldn't be progressing any wedding plans at this stage.

Malificence · 30/06/2010 20:07

What kind of nasty fucking cretins would do this to a colleague, if it's true?

Neither scenario paints a very nice picture of this man.

Hardly the man of your dreams.

Baffy · 30/06/2010 20:50

Has he explained to you why he thinks it is any of his business, or that of his workmates, to find out if their supervisor is on there or not??
So what if he is?

That's really underhand and uncalled for and I would question being with someone who could do that to someone else.

Also - did he explain why he got nasty with you?

And why did he use his old user name and his facebook password? Why didn't the guys just make one up together?

And finally, why did he say that the 'work firewalls would prevent him getting access' to that site, when clearly that was a lie? Does he often lie to you?

For you I really do hope this is the truth and it may well be. But just from my summary above he has lied to you, got nasty with you, and tried to delve into an aspect of someone else's life which is absolutely none of his business. I think you have some more talking to do here. Good luck.

grapeandlemon · 30/06/2010 22:54

OMG so he has had a while to come up with a story to cover his ass and that is what he managed?

That is the biggest load of bullshit I have heard in a long while.

Don't bury your head in the sand because you have had bad experiences in the past and are desperate for this to work, if something seems to good to be true that's usually because it is......

Sandinmyshoes · 01/07/2010 07:08

I also question the truth of it... especially with the firewall glitch in his story.

I'd have one last ditch effort to flush him out by telling him you're really not sure how to deal with the idea of him bullying someone who needs sensitivity, understanding and discretion... I'd add that I almost wish he was a transvestite as I'd find that concept easier to deal with than that of a bully...

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2010 07:20

I think it's almost certainly true. AnyFucker, the partner used his username, not his real name; it was the same username as he's used in other contexts, so the OP knew it was him for that reason. And his ID'ing info matched. Why he was such an idiot as to set up a 'sting' profile using his actual description is beyond me, but I bet it's true.

How incredibly nasty your partner must be, to want to 'out' a workmate like that. Is he usually a nasty, petty, homophobic twat, OP?

MadameG · 01/07/2010 08:20

OP, you're believing this pile of bollocks because you want to believe him. You are so desperate to salvage your relationship that this story (which doesn't make any sense or add up) is acceptable to you.

I think you're being very naive to just go 'ah ok then, what a relief'. You know that things aren't right deep down.

BalloonSlayer · 01/07/2010 08:28

I would much rather marry a transvestite than a man who would try to do something like that to someone else.

Malificence · 01/07/2010 09:48

Why are people talking about transvestites when the OP states quite clearly that it was a Transexual dating site, which is for people who believe themselves to be the wrong gender, sexually?
So, if he is on there for his own reasons and not for the very nasty purpose of shaming a colleage, he is either interested in men who used to be a woman or women who used to be a man, and plenty of those are pre-op, i.e. with both breasts and a penis - the "she-male" thing seems to be very much a turn on for some men, probably those who won't admit to gay or bi tendencies.

If she marries him, I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to go on blokey holidays to Thailand ( for the ladyboys) .

BalloonSlayer · 01/07/2010 10:30

It was for both, Mal.

Malificence · 01/07/2010 10:57

Oh, sorry BS, that'll teach me to read through the whole thread!

lilllysa · 01/07/2010 11:04

So he's NEVER at home alone? You say that there is no history at home but basic history is SO easily deleted.

I hope for your sake and the sake of your DD that you are right in believing him.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 17:40

tortoise...who cares if this fairy tale is true or not...bad news either way, I would say

she will marry him anyway, I guess

as long as she believes him, that is all that matters, I suppose

< rubs crystal ball and predicts a distraught "he liiiied to me..." thread in a year or two's time (when the poor sap has married this liar) >

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/07/2010 18:22

It is so clearly bullshit - OP how are you falling for this?

bathbuns · 01/07/2010 18:47

Thing is, if this is true (and it's hardly kind of him if it is true) then why on earth didn't he explain it the first time round when you cornered him?! If that was me (although it wouldn't be in a hundred years) then i'd be horrified/laughing and immediately say 'god, that's a wind up/we're trying to see if our supervisor is on it' so that you wouldn't worry about it further.

That's the bit that doesn't add up. I'd want to talk to his work colleagues.

And if it's true I feel very sorry for the supervisor.

fyimate · 01/07/2010 19:08

I agree with bathbuns, if it was a wind up there would have been no harm in telling you there and then. It is very odd to lie about it then suddenly tell the truth.
How do you know his workmates arent in on it too? They are HIS workmates.

Not to mention it being a very odd thing to do anyway, why didnt he feel to let you know about the the whole thing? "Oh me and the lads at work are doing this" type thing? Especially seeing as he thought it was funny or whatever.

But I doubt the OP will come back now, she is obviously taken by what he said.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 19:18

yep, fyi, Op is currently making like an ostrich....

fyimate · 01/07/2010 19:25

Well she has a child, about to get married, one cant blame her for denying it and just taking what is given to her.
The whole thing is rather odd to me. Either he is innocent and just made the silly mistake of lying because he was scared she'd leave or he is seriously conniving given he shares his facebook/email but has a secret account elswhere...cant be too clever to keep the same nickname though.
Very odd.