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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

355 replies

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 08:23

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/06/2010 01:46

Completely, if it is just a mild fetish and he just likes to look at those photos, and you're okay with that as well, then I think all the more reason to raise it with him.

Once my then-fiance and I got comfortable enough to talk about our own 'fetishes' and he realised I was completely okay with something he had worked up in his mind as revolting and wrong (Catholic upbringing...), he was SO relieved. And it improved our sex life no end.

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 04/06/2010 08:36

BalloonSlayer, no - he wouldnt answer any 'personal' questions. I asked was he married, what he did for a living and where he lived. He skirted over these and just asked me questions back like 'what are you into'. It doesnt say on his profile whether he is TS/TG/TV only that he is male. On mine I have stated that I like dressing up (it was an option on a drop-down) but there's nothing like that on his. Only his gender, starsign, height, eye colour etc.

PrincessFiorimonde, I have always had access to his email and his facebook. I have never snooped into these though because I trusted him completely. The only time I would use them is if he rang me from work and asked me to check his email for something or look on his facebook for him. He knows my passwords too, I think that's why I trusted him so much, why on earth would he give me his passwords if he had anything to hide....?

His email though is his full name and his facebook sign in is his email. This site however he has used a nickname. The same nickname he used on the dating site a couple of years ago. He probably didn't think I'd remember it!

Anyway, he knows something is wrong. He asked me a few times last night what was up and I just brushed it off saying I was tired. I didnt think I was acting differently but obviously I was!

My DM is having DD tonight and DP and I are supposed to be going out for a meal. When we get back, I think I'm going to bring this up. No idea yet how I'm going to start the conversation but I have to speak to him

OP posts:
MadameG · 04/06/2010 10:18

There isn't any right way to bring it up, you just need to come out with it. Be sure to let us know how it goes and if you're alright.

GiraffeYoga · 04/06/2010 10:26

Good luck CS. Its the right thing to bring it up... Just say it, dont pussyfoot around or try and sound apologetic for having found out.

Will you fess up to the fake account?

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 04/06/2010 10:55

I'm not sure yet whether or not I'll confess about the fake account. I suppose it depends on what he says. I know he will probably deny it all anyway!

The trust between me and him is already broken - not sure I want the trust between him and me to be aswell. Does that make sense? If I confess to snooping will it break the trust he has with me then?

I will let you all know what happens but it may be Monday morning before I can get on without him here. Unless of course he pops out on his own over the weekend. I can read your messages on my mobile but won't be able to post from laptop until he's out.

OP posts:
CheekyPinkSox · 04/06/2010 11:02

Surely if you tell him you know about the site then surely he will put two and two together and know that you was the one emailing him.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

BalloonSlayer · 04/06/2010 11:23

I'd probably try and say something like.

"You remember before I met you I had a lot of exes cheat on me?

"Well a few weeks ago I was out with the girls and one of them had a friend join us - you don't know her, you've never met her.

"When we were in the loo, just the two of us she started being a bit snide about me being so happy and planning our wedding.

"She said something like "He'll be like all the others. Men are all the same." I ignored her.

"But when I got home I was a bit drunk and emotional and I couldn't get it out of my head. So to reassure myself I Googled your old dating site name. I would never have done it if I was sober and if she hadn't goaded me. And what came up was . . ."

Yep I know it's a lie but it might just neutralise any "You snooped! How Dare You" ammunition.

motherlovebone · 04/06/2010 12:09

get a friend to text you an anonymous tip-off?

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 04/06/2010 15:27

Cheeky, he may well do, yes. If he asks me outright if it was me then I'll admit it but I'm not going to offer the infomation.

Balloon, I like that idea, that gives me an 'excuse' to have snooped!

Don't really want to get any friends involved tbh.

He'll be in from work in a bit and I need to have a shower and get ready to go out. If I can update you over the weekend, I will do. Otherwise, it will be Monday.

Thanks for all of your support thus far, please keep me in your thoughts tonight

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 04/06/2010 16:19

Have read all of this thread & really feel for you going through all of this.
Good luck tonight. I will be thinking of you.

pastapestofor6 · 04/06/2010 17:57

good luck to you tonight, hope you get some answers

thatsnotmymonkey · 06/06/2010 19:43

Hey CS, did you manage to talk to him? I hope you are OK

GiraffeYoga · 06/06/2010 22:20

CS- been thinking of you this w/e. Hope all went ok on Friday night.

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 07/06/2010 09:36

Thank you all for thinking of me

I did speak to him on Friday night and he denied all knowledge. I admitted to snooping (although didnt admit to the fake profile!), and even showed him the site. He swore blind it isnt him. He asked when I thought he would be able to go on such a site as he doesnt ever use the laptop. He gave me his phone straight away and I checked the internet history - nothing except facebook going back over a couple of weeks. He explained that he would not get on sites like that at work because of firewalls.

He couldnt believe I thought for a second that it would be him, that he'd do that to me .. blah blah blah.

I asked did he think i was stupid enough to believe that this was all a big coincidence, to which he replied that he didnt think i was stupid but yes, it must be a coincidence.

MIL rang on Saturday morning and asked us to go around for a BBQ, we went although didnt really speak and stayed there all day. On Saturday night when we got into bed (after 1 too many lemonades ) I again told him that I knew it was him on those sites and that I wanted him to be honest with me. He again denied it and asked me what I wanted him to do about it - its not me, what do you want me to do IYSWIM - to which I replied either delete the profile or be honest with me and tell me what's going on. He said 'yeah ok i'll delete, whatever you want' . However, I think he was being arsey and was just sick of me going on about it.

I was working till 11pm last night so didnt see much of him yesterday. So I'm no further forward really, infact its worse as the tension between us is quite bad.

So, maybe I've got this all wrong and it isnt him. The message he sent 'me' on the site the other morning was sent at a time when he would still be in the house before leaving for work. That means he either would have used the laptop or his phone. I know he didn't/hasn't used the laptop, and his phone had no history apart from facebook.

I think, maybe my insecurities might have got the better of me here

OP posts:
EleanorHandbasket · 07/06/2010 09:39

This reply has been deleted

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EleanorHandbasket · 07/06/2010 09:42

This reply has been deleted

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posieparker · 07/06/2010 09:48

I am shocked he didn't go mad at the thought of you believing that he was on that site....
nevermind the firewalls. If I accused my DH of looking at ts/tg or whatever sites he would be shocked/angry/disgusted that I could think that of him.

And I would send another bogus email to the dating site man...see what response you get.

iwasyoungonce · 07/06/2010 09:49

This is a tough one, because it just seems too coincidental to be someone else. But if he is denying it, what can you do?

a) Either accept he is being truthful and move on.
b) Keep digging, and see if you can get some proof. If you go with this option, it is good that you haven't told him that you have set up a profile and have been messaging him.

Only you can decide if you trust him or not. We can only give an opinion based on the bare facts, but you can make a far better judgement based on his behaviour.

BalloonSlayer · 07/06/2010 09:49

He denies it being his profile yet says he will delete it?

If it wasn't his, he'd say "I can't delete someone else's profile!" wouldn't he?

thatsnotmymonkey · 07/06/2010 09:50

You don't have to be a tech head to delete your internet history, so I am betting that as soon as he is done looking at "that" page he deletes it. I once went on a domestic violence support site and it had instruction on how to delete your internet history, and only the pages you wanted to delete too.

I am so sorry but this is too much of a conincidence.

How to move forward?

Would/Could someone else have done this? That just sounds so far fetched to me.

BalloonSlayer · 07/06/2010 09:50

And you've emailed him, haven't you?

iwasyoungonce · 07/06/2010 09:57

Yes, I didn't understand the bit where he agreed to delete the profile...? So was this him admitting it was him?

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 07/06/2010 09:59

He was very angry posie, he's not a shouty/sweary type person but he was angry (hence we didnt speak on Saturday!), and told me he was disappointed I thought it was him and that I didnt trust him and felt the need to snoop.

Balloon, no I didnt email him I just sent a message on the site, he never gave his email address. He was quite drunk when he said he would delete it and I think he was just saying it to shut me up in a 'yeah yeah i'll delete it' kind of way. I cant really explain it very well but he didnt say it as if he was admitting it was him, more that he was just trying to pacify me.

I do/did trust him 100%. Yes, I agree it is too much of a coincidence but he was very convincing in his denial.

I guess I will wait to see if the profile is deleted. If it is then I will know that it is him and we can have a further conversation. If it stays there then I will accept that it isnt him and move on from there. Surely if it is him and he knows I'm onto him, he'll delete it?

OP posts:
pastapestofor6 · 07/06/2010 10:29

but didn't you say the profile has the same sign in details as his fb profile ? that is not a coincedence that is a caught bang to rights surely ?

iwasyoungonce · 07/06/2010 10:32

The fact that he agreed to delete the profile, for me, means that it is very likely to be him. Even though he was drunk.

I am trying to imagine if I was falsely accused of something like this, I would NEVER say "ok, ok, i'll delete it" - I'd be saying "How many times do I have to tell you that it's NOT me! So I CAN'T delete it!"

If he now deletes it then yes, I think you will know for certain that it was him.