Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

[CompletelyShocked]

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

Errrm not trying to be mean but of course its him. Same log in name as when you met him (could be coincedence), same height/eye colour/birthday (could be coincedence), SAME PASSWORD!!! No chance its coincidence!

Also add all that together and there is no way its not him surely!

If you want to bury head in sand and you're the type of person who can, then good luch to you, but, speaking as someone who has been there, if you're not that type of person this will ruin your mental health. For God's sake sort it out before you get married and before you have children.

Not trying to be horrible, just really feel for you and think that you need the truth to move on (whether with him or without)

If you really wanted to check you could ask someone who knows their way around a PC to find hidden history....

paedophiles don't get caught with a clear history.

Not linking your future DH to that, btw.

good luck with rebuilding your relationship.
it will take time,
it is either him or it isnt.
we don't know, we can only speculate.

perhaps there is a support group for partners of whatever it was he was alleged to be interested in, can't remember exact name now.
just so you have someone impartial to talk to.

I'm concerned that you're eager to accept his 'convincing' denial in the hope of carrying the relationship on- and you also said that you did/do trust him 100% today- well that obviously can't be true otherwise you would never have felt the need to suspect him.

I've been in a relationship situation myself where I too got a 'convincing' denial (ex had been sending sex texts to another girl) and I carried things on with him because I wanted to believe him. And you know what, it ate away at me for the entire rest of our relationship, because I knew deep down the truth.

As you do now, I think.

Don't let his annoyance over you bringing it up scare you into letting it go either.

Whoever else it was this morning (sorry, forgot username!) who said that if their partner was accused of something like this, they'd be shocked and appalled at such an accusation, I agree with that- getting arsey and angry with you sounds like a classic 'caught red handed and trying to be arsey to get out of it' behaviour to me.

It doesn't look good CS.

Tell him to move out for a couple of days as you need to get your head together.

can Relate help, for example?

Sorry to hear of the result here CS. Not sure I can add anything to what has already been said. Doesnt look good though.

Hope you are ok x

I have read somewhere that is completely normal for men to deny the fact even when it is obvious. That is just in their nature to defend themselves. For OP, if you want to reach his honesty, I think you need a bit of manipulation here. Show/say that you respect him (even if you don't because of this), allow things to calm down and approach from different angle. Ask when he will be ready to talk about things. So he is not attacked from the back, so to speak. Although things look a bit grim (sorry OP), the truth has to come out before making further decisions...

Sadly I think there is no chance you would be able to guess a random man's password (especially a random man with the exact same details as your partners).

I would trust him less after this.

My DH denied sleeping with a girl(whne we were on a break) despite the fact I knew all along. WE would have little amnesties with me telling him that I knew and the lie was driving me mad....ten years on I contacted her via fb and she confirmed it. ONLY when he couldn't lie did he admit it. TEN YEARS.

Posie - I'm with you. DP would only ever admit up to what I could prove. As I'm sure you know it destroys everything, all your peace of mind disappears when you're trying to work out whether you're going mad or he's a lying shit. We're down the road a long way now and had counselling, which has helped a lot, but it still hurts sometimes.

Thanks for your posts, sorry but work keeps interfering with my MN'ing!

I did think of Relate but surely he would have to admit it first before we could do that? Or do you mean I could contact them on my own?

I know what you're all saying but how can I prove it? Unless I carry on with the honeytrap (which i dont really want to do), then how can I get the proof?

I did tell him on Saturday night that I had a friend at work who would be able to find the IP address of the person whos profile it was and then find out where they were logging in from. This was a lie but I was drunk and trying to get him to admit to it! I'm knackered now though as I have no such friend and don't even think it's possible anyway! Although when I said all this he was fine with it and said go on then do it, at least then you will know its not me.

So he's either calling my bluff or.....god, I really don't know.

When my ex was lying to cover things up he always had to be pushed into a corner to admit it, no where to go and evidence in black and white so to speak. If your DP is on this site and he doesnt want you to know about it for whatever reason then he wont tell you unless you have something very solid.

I would try several tacts...

1. I would write him a letter. I would tell him how much you love him, that you hope to be able to work through things what ever they are and however it ends between you. You are pretty certain that it has to be him and are so upset that he doesnt feel able to talk about this with you - See how he reacts to this.

2. Go through everything! Does he have a laptop at work? if so insist he brings it home... My ex was stupid enough to delete emails from his but not permantly. Check his car, get access to work. Check where he goes for lunch. If he gets up during the night follow him. Do not take anything for granted. get the evidence and confront him.

3. Draw a line and move forward.

Good luck.

x

I think you both have to attend Relate sessions. So yes he'd have to admit it first.

We know this much- the personal information all corresponded, the username and password both corresponded... what are the chances of all that stuff corresponding?

Plus, he didn't sound horrified at what to the average person would have been a wild accusation.

I think you know deep down that there is an extremely, extremely high chance that this IS him. And yes, men do tend to put on the whole bare-faced lying bravado, it's a defence mechanism.

You could get a friend to contact him via the site again under a different username, but he might cotton on to it, and also it can feel very undignified to be the person who is trying to catch their partner like that, so it might not be best for you to leave the web investigations for now. The username and password matching would be enough for me to feel pretty solid in my belief, personally.

Maybe ask him to leave for a bit to give you some headspace and time to think.

I know its a tough thing to do when you don't have rock hard concrete proof, but very few women who suspect their partners ever do get that- its just that niggling, sinking feeling, coupled with very decent reasons to believe that something is going on.

What upsets you most about it CS?

Is it the lies?
The fact that he appears to want to meet someone?
Or the area of interest itself?

If, soon after meeting him, he had confessed to a fascination with TS/TV/TG people, said he loved YOU and wanted to be with YOU but sometimes fantasised about . . . whatever - how would you have reacted?

Because you don't know whether he would actually have met up with your fake person. He may have simply got a frisson from the idea that he could.

If you think that you could have lived with his interest, had he been honest and stayed faithful, you could try saying that. And adding of course that the lies are what is finishing the relationship, not the interest itself. Unless you find the whole thing too much in which case there's not a lot you can do.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By DeFluffy Mon 07-Jun-10 10:41:18
Errrm not trying to be mean but of course its him. Same log in name as when you met him (could be coincedence), same height/eye colour/birthday (could be coincedence), SAME PASSWORD!!! No chance its coincidence!

Also add all that together and there is no way its not him surely!

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On top of the above I just had a thought, can he see what area you're from on there? Because you asked him to meet up didn't you? So if he said yes which I believe he did then surely he must be somewhere in your area?

Just run this past DP, same username, same dob, same height, same eye colour, SAME PASSWORD, again, sorry but its not conjecture to say its him. Unless the username was say Steve1 and the password was 123456. Which I'm assuming not.

just thinking about what slayer said. If this is a private fantasy of his that you're free to join in or not as you wish then no problem surely. However, isn't the point that he's actually on a website talking to other people? And talking about meeting up? That bit is the problen isn't it, whatever he's into doesn't matter particularly I don't think (obviously s long as consenting adults), if he was on any dating site talking to people about meeting up you wouldn't be very happy would you?

Hello, I have been following this and really feel for you.

Just to clarify - is his username something really obscure? Or something that other people could potentially use? My dh for example always uses his name (quite common) followed by a 2 digit number. And password? Is it something really specific to him?

The other things that matched - date of birth, town, height, eye colour? Anything else?

It does seem odd to me that he would have had to have posted at times that don't really add up - like just after he'd got up, for example.

CS, how are you feeling? Does this feel like it is all moving very fast?

I think you really must push for him to admit what is going on.

Could you be with him if he had this sexual side to him. Lots of people would without compunction but I fear you might, but it would be a massive compromise. Don't do anything that you are not happy with.

I think I would now be so furious that he did not respect me enough to come clean, even though we both knew what was going on.

Lacks integrity.

There are 'in private browsing' facilities now.

Only you can decide if him saying it's not him is enough. For me I don't think it could be.

CS I have just seen and read this thread in full.
I really feel for you and am so sorry that this has happened. You have had some great advice here.

I'm sorry CS.. it is definitely him. He is definitely lying to you. IMO men are far better liars than we give them credit for.

CS there are ways of doing things on PCs which leave no history (well really not easy to get to history that just anyone would know how to get to). My OH was using a virtual PC set up on the main PC to do his 'things' and I didn't cotton on even though I checked history etc I only caught him when I installed keystroke capturing software - which I felt awful about at first but not after! And I work in IT!!