Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

[CompletelyShocked]

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

there is support available here for e.g

SBF, that's a great link, some very good information on there - thank you for that.

Ok, I've thought long and hard about this all last night and all morning. I'll probably be shot down and flamed for this but I've decided that...

If I take out of the equation that he said he'd meet 'me' (because I honestly don't think he would have gone through with it), he was, essentially just looking at porn. Ok so it isnt regular porn but it's not illegal porn either. If he was looking at regular porn, I really wouldnt have a problem with it - so long as he didnt take it any further than just looking, obviously. Just because it's irregular porn, doesnt mean that he is gay or bi, just that maybe he has some sort of fetish.

Yes I do need to get him to open up to me but maybe that will take time. I've decided to leave it for now and raise it again at a time when I think he will talk. If it is him (which I think we all know, it is!), then he now knows that I know, and he's probably either going to delete the profile and never bring the topic up again, or he's working out the best way to tell me the truth.

He knows how I feel about lying and I've also told him that until he's truthful with me, I cant go on making any more plans for our wedding.

I hope think he will come round and will tell me himself, he knows I love him and that I'm there for him. He probably just needs to find the right words or get it straight in his own head before he confesses.

Best of luck!

I know this is the man you want to marry and he is so different to the horrible relationships you've had before. That said how can you forget about this without it being resolved and get married?

CS, I can see why you are settling for this but I think it will come back to bite you. This may just be the beginning of his discovery.

I agree with posie and LoveBeing34.

Firstly, a dating site is not porn. He could have looked at porn, that would have been one thing, but instead he elected to choose the dating site option and has been talking to real people on there. You have no idea if he has/ would meet other people or not.

I'm relieved you told him you won't make any more plans for the wedding til he's truthful (phew), but don't be tempted to stick your head in the sand otherwise just because you've said that. You know now that this guy is not who you thought he was.

This will rear its head again, and it will continually niggle at you endlessly until it gets addressed properly.

I know you're hoping it will go away and I understand why, but plenty of us could attest to the fact that making a discovery like this (or any kind of discovery of straying) does not lie peacefully in your mind. Ever.

I wish you all the best with the future and I hope that somehow this comes to a resolution soon.

Its a dating site not porn. They are totally different imo. And he wouldn't be on there unless he wanted to meet people/see what was out there/flirt/test out opportunities. It is not the same as porn at all!

You are definitely hoping it will go away, and I understand that, but it really won't.

I wish you luck but I'm really sorry, I think you are going to need it. x

CS, I think you are making the best of a bad situation. That is not a compilment.

You are kidding yourself, and for what? Delayed unhappiness? I just don't get it. I really wish you all the best.

Good Luck to you, x

I don't think it's going to be flaming, more people just being concerned for you.

From the sounds of it he has, generally, been good to you and much nicer than previous relationships. You're planning to marry him! So I totally understand why you would want to pretend this isn't happening.

And yes, there's a slim chance that even 'the truth' won't be impossible to get past. But until he tells you that I don't think burying your head in the sand is the best idea.

This wasn't a porn site - it was a dating site, and he was prepared to meet 'you' on very little info at all - what about all the others who may have been in touch with him?

itsallaboutiandme
My DH downloaded a keylogger on our comp, he said it was to check on what i had been saying about my feelings and moods, when i would speak to my friends online.
But only that bit him in the bum as i discovered he was having conversations with a friend of mine - Iv still yet to see her in town

I agree with the others here. I understand you wanting to pretend this isn't really happening/is not as bad as it seems, as your world has turned upside down with this discovery, but I personally wouldn't be able to let this lie, the problem is not going to go away. I am glad you have said you will not make any plans to marry him until this is sorted though.

Sorry, I am a little confused. I have just read through the whole of this thread as it has touched a very raw nerve (family member went through a near identical experience)

CS you wrote this...
CompletelyShocked Wed 02-Jun-10 10:33:27
Sorry, should maybe have said ealier. I'm not a woman on the site, I'm a man

but you are talking about marriage and convinced that your dp is not gay...

Please correct me if I am wrong, and so sorry if I am, but this does not add up...

I thought I'd read that somewhere too, expletive, then thought I'd dreamt it as it wasn't referred to again.

I am struggling to figure this one out!

I am being quite blunt here but I look forward to your posts in a few years when you think you are have been happily married and he has been shagging men on the side - men never ever just dabble with this stuff - I bet my bottom dollar he is gay or at least bi - he got angry because he had been found out and I think he is probably one of those men who has targetted you deliberatly after telling him how crap life has been and how shite your taste in men is because he can bend and manipulate you and knows that you are that gullible and so want this to work and be perfect that you are willing to ignore something that would have every other woman in the country packing his bags and slinging him out.

FWIW the OP has said that she will not make further wedding plans until she is happy that she has been told the truth, and she has said that she will attempt to discuss it with him in the future when he has had time to think about the fact that she is obviously aware of the site he has been on.

This isn't quite the same as pretending that it isn't happening.

Good luck.

'I am not a woman on the site, I am a man'.

I think the OP meant she was pretending to be a man, rather than herself, when she sent an email on the ts website to 'hoodwink' her unsuspecting partner, iyswim.

Really sorry CS Just had another read through, and it is clear that you were talking about the trans sexual site, not MN.

I'm really sorry to have said that things did "not add up"

FWIW when a close family member experienced (almost) the same thing it was devestating for her. They did try and move on from it as he swore that he would never act out on his feelings, but it was a cloud over their relationship and they broke up when he could keep up the pretence no longer.

Really hope things turn out better for you.

Just read the thread, and perhaps it is possible that you consider that his behaviour/fetish is something you can deal with as part of your marriage. There seems to be an assumption that if he is looking at this stuff then he is gay, yet it is not automatically the case if you are TV. (Think Eddie Izzard as a famous example). Maybe he just wants to dress up as a woman occasionally, but is finding the social pressure / isolation of admitting to this to be too much.

I agree with everyone that this needs to be discussed more if you are entering into a marriage, but under the proviso that it may not be all bad and may automatically mean the end of your marriage, indeed if you can enter into your marriage with honesty about this (whatever it may be) then your marriage may be one of the strong ones.

may not automatically mean the end of your marriage

I hope things work out with you OP.

Sorry i havent been back to this yet but work commitments etc have made it difficult.

Anyhoo, I have an update for you all.

DP has confessed to the profile being his and has told me the reasons behind it. Basically, him and a couple of his workmates set the profile up to find their supervisor. They know said supervisor is on that site as they have seen it on his computer (when walking behind him etc). All 3 of them have access to the account and have been sending messages out hoping to get a 'bite'

He signed in infront of me on home laptop and showed me messages from a few weeks ago (before I even found out!) which were typed out in 'txt spk' - DP never types like that, not even in txt messages!

Now I know you may think that this is just an excuse but I think he's telling the truth. This would also explain how 'he' sent me a message on the site before he'd even left the house for work and with no trace on laptop, phone, ipod - 1 of the lads who was on nightshift that night sent it before he finished.

He didnt admit to this in the first place because he knew I'd either be appalled at him doing this to somebody, or that I wouldnt believe the truth and would leave him thinking it was a serious profile - or both of these!

I'm not happy about what he's done but I am happy that it was a wind up and not true IYSWIM. At least now I know the truth!

He has told the guys at work that I have found out, it nearly cost him his impending marriage, he realises now that it was childish to do such a thing etc and they have now deleted the profile.

So, panic over, but he's still in the bad books

what a load of codswallop

you are a fool if you believe that

and he arranged to "meet you", errr, why ?

He/They arranged to meet me hoping I was workmate. They would have driven past and if it wasnt him then kept driving - if it was him well, I have no idea what they would've done!

I'm sorry but I do believe him, especially as he had no internet access from home yet I received an email when I know for a fact he was at home (cos I was here too!)

Did you say you were his workmate ?

What was on your "profile" ?

That is one hell of a fishing exercise, that out of all the "men" to reply to "them" it would be this particular "workmate"

Whatever the ridiculous explanation, if it smells like fish...it probably is cod