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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh F*ck! What have I done? [sad]

355 replies

CompletelyShocked · 02/06/2010 08:23

Namechanged for this.

After being treated like shit by men for all of my life, I finally met the man of my dreams 2 years ago on a dating site. He moved in not long after we met, we get on brilliantly, he adores my DD, his family have taken myself and my DD on as their own etc...

Our wedding is all booked for next year in Cyprus, lots of family and friends booked to come with us - brilliant, life couldnt get any better!

Until yesterday, for some reason, I put his old username from the dating site into Google - and up came a Transsexual Dating site. I tried to view the profile of this member on the site but had to register to do so. So I did. There's no name on there but hometown, height, starsign, birthday etc. all match with DP . I then sent him a message from my new account on there just asking how he was doing and why he didnt have any pictures on there. He replied this morning (after getting up for work) that he needed to be discreet and was a bit shy.

I have replied again but he's at work all day so not sure he'll get on to reply (if it is DP!).

I'm pretty sure it is though, my heart is racing. What have I done? What if it is him? How do i bring this up with him? Maybe I shouldn't have snooped? Please help.

OP posts:
Swanky · 03/06/2010 14:31

You know what, if he is looking at photos and not meeting or chatting, if you have access to his account to keep YOUR mind at rest that this is it, then I wouldn't approach him about it. Its not illegal, its not too off-the-wall and its just something he is clearly sexually interested in.

posieparker · 03/06/2010 14:31

Hijack....analbeard, this is the worst name on MN, not funny and really gross. Anyfucker is a less specific profanity and works and so I can read her posts seriously, yours (especially on this thread) I cannot. I don't expect you to change it, I just couldn't let it pass without comment.

HelenFF · 03/06/2010 14:52

Oh CS, I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation.

I think I would have to talk to him about it at this stage.

It's possible, I suppose, that it's just a mild fetish - but of course if that's the route he takes, that might be what he says to stop your pain/get away with it. Looking at porn is one thing, but looking for individuals that are trans (and male individuals!) would seem to suggest it might be harder to deal with.

He needs to be very very honest with you - I just hope he is. Best of luck.

DeFluffy · 03/06/2010 14:56

Sorry if I've missed something, if you're posing as a man then your husband is interested in meeting men? or men dressed as women? or men who are embarking on/completing/finished the change to women?

Or do you not know with the info you have available? Is this something you could find out with your online persona? I know you feel guilty already but in my experience people don't tend to tell the truth until faced with proof in these kind of circumstances. For me, I would need to know absolutely for my own peace of mind going forwards. (Have been in a similar situation but with 'traditional' dating sites, the not knowing nearly drove me to suicide).

This must be horrible for you, sorry.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2010 14:58

It may well be a mild fetish ie he's happy with a masturbation fantasy. Someone desperately normative will undoubtedly be along in a minute squawking that there is no such thing and he is bound to end up cutting his cock off and being buggered by a cross-dressed axe murderer somewhere, but that's nonsense, people's fetishes settle at a level they are comfy with and many people's fetishes really are quite mild and quite minor.

Have a think about your actual sex life with him, CS. No need to share the details if you'd rather not but think about stuff like whether he's more/less enthusiastic for sex than you are, whether he likes you to dress up or do specific things, whether he's interested in what you want from sex. THis might help you be able to frame what is going on in the context of the rest of your relationship with him.

Because I note in your OP that you have had previous bad experiences with men, so it is possible that this particular man has sensed you are someone with low expectations ie as long as he isn't violent, you will put up with a lot if he claims he loves you, so he can parade his 'normality' by demonstrating that he has a heterosexual cis female partner (sorry, 'cis' means 'born anatomically female') yet he can do what he wants and you will put up with it.
If he is a lovely man otherwise, this may NOT be the case at all.

posieparker · 03/06/2010 15:09

SGB, do you think fetish fantasies can exist in a other non fetish relationship, without ever interfering? Just wondering, you seem to know everything. Or are all fantasies the same, if my DH fantasises about lesbians, for example, which is an 'acceptable' fantasy for a man is it as likely to creep into our relationship, or not, as him fantasising about having sex with a man? (not a real situation btw)

posieparker · 03/06/2010 15:10

otherwise....

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 15:40

Our sex life is great! His libido is about the same as mine (if not less ).

He has never asked me to dress up or do anything outside of the 'norm', is very un-selfish in bed and can spend ages pleasuring me without getting anything in return sometimes! He knows what I like and is quite happy to please me. He often says that merely seeing me satisfied, satisfys him! So no, no alarm bells ring there at all.

I suppose that is why this is so hard for me to come to terms with. There were no alarm bells ringing at all, i have absolutely no idea why i even googled his name!

OP posts:
DeFluffy · 03/06/2010 15:49

"He often says that merely seeing me satisfied, satisfys him! So no, no alarm bells ring there at all".

That would actually worry me, sorry. I would think it more usual for both parties to be satisifed and to want to be satisfied. I'm probably not explaining that very well.

Also I still don't understand. If he is unsure of his sexuality or is sure but hasn't been honest with you why would he not go to a 'normal' gay/bi/bi curious site? And is it that he wants to date a transvestite or transexual (I'm aware they're totally different) or that he wants to be one? To me the answers to these questions would matter. Have you thought about which you could have in your life and where your boundries would be?

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 15:57

Hmm see that didnt worry me at all! I'm not saying that its always about me but sometimes if he satisfies me and then I'm tired or whatever, he wont want anything in return. But then the next night or morning, I'll return the favour IYSWIM. I'm not explaining this very well am I! I guess what I'm trying to say is that he's not selfish at all - he doesnt just give in order to receive which, IME, a lot of men do!

All I can see from his profile is that he's looking at photo's. most of the photo's are quite tame tbh - people dressed in suspenders and mini-skirts or french maids outfits etc. So I can't work out if he wants to date one, wants to be one or just likes looking at them. I suspect it's the latter, but then, again, I could be forcing myself to think that

OP posts:
DeFluffy · 03/06/2010 16:06

That's the only reason i'd go down the posing on there and emailing route still rather than the big open talk yet. Because I'd need to know the truth.

I found out bits and pieces re my own situation (with the 'traditional' dating site) over a long period of time. DP only ever admitted up to what I'd found out. It nearly destroyed me mentally, I think if I could do it again I'd definitely go down the fake profile route so I could see exactly what he was up to straight away, more painful in the short term but better for long term mental health and trust I think.

Having (sort of) been where you are I know the horror and shock and desire just to brush it all under the carpet. We ended up going to counselling and things are much better now. There still is a trust issue though and this is 4 years down the line. So just be aware (as I'm sure you are) that it might be a very long and painful road.

noddyholder · 03/06/2010 16:11

Is there any chance it is just a bit of a 'thing' for him that turns him on and he is too embarrassed to tell you? If he just finds the idea of someone dressed up sexually arousing he wouldn't be the first.trying to trap is underhand and sneaky because he has done nothing wrong Talk to him he will probably be hugely relieved

Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 16:37

noddy, that's what I'm hoping it is, yes! I agree that the sneaking about is wrong, as I've said, I feel terribly guilty about doing it.

I've also been thinking along the lines of what swanky has said. If I can access the account and keep an eye that he isnt actually meeting people/conducting emotional affairs etc. then is it wise to just not say anything? I have access to his email accounts, his facebook, his phone - all of which he knows about and is happy for me to have access to - so this 'fetish' (if that's what it is) must be strictly limited to this site only. Which, again, makes me think he's only using it to look at photo's/get off on seeing people dressed up?

OP posts:
Original poster
CompletelyShocked · 03/06/2010 16:40

He'll be home from work shortly so I need to log out of MN so he cant click on 'threads i'm on'!

Will respond to any replies in the morning x

OP posts:
DeFluffy · 03/06/2010 17:15

CS - But do you want to live like that? Having to check up on him through his account (I assume that is what you mean)? It would eat most people away. You really need to talk to him.

And Noddy, again, apologies if I have missed something but he's not looking at women dressed up he's looking at men dressed up isn't he? Men dressed up as women? Which would suggest he has some issues/thoughts around his sexuality that it might be wise op discusses with him.

thatsnotmymonkey · 03/06/2010 17:19

Hey CS, have a good night in, and think about broaching this with your DP soon. I really think you should get it all out in the open soon.

DeFluffy · 03/06/2010 17:25

And also he has been saying to you as 'the man' on the site that he would meet you hasn't he? So isn't he already putting his toes into the next step?

How do you know he hasn't just deleted all previous emails to do with meeting?

I'll shut up now but I really don't think you can just brush this under the carpet. Or rather I certainly couldn't

noddyholder · 03/06/2010 17:42

I don't think it needs to be brushed under the carpet better to thrash it out and then decide if its something you can live with.sexuality is multi faceted and what is one persons taste isn't anothers.Obviously if he is wanting to dress up this will be for you to decide if you can accept it.Lots of men/women are attracted to all kinds of 'variations' I know several people where anything goes!I am fairly average and conventional myself but bisexuality is hardly the end of the world

HelenFF · 03/06/2010 18:12

Hi again CS. My worry about just keeping a track of his account would be that earlier on he was going to consider meeting your fake id man - so this would point to him either doing it before or suddenly deciding he wants to do it now.

MadameG · 03/06/2010 18:12

CS, you really must talk to him.

Talking yourself into thinking that this isn't such a big problem in order to hold on to the relationship will not work. You'll just end up eaten up inside with confusion and sadness about whats going on.

It's best to get this out in the open now. Be completely truthful about everything you've found online, and if he tries to deny it, stick to your guns. Make sure you keep calm while talking to him and remember that while you love him its best for you both to be honest about what you want/ can live with.

Good luck. x

LoveBeing34 · 03/06/2010 18:21

Is that how you want to start married life?

BalloonSlayer · 03/06/2010 18:48

But surely if you have got to the point of almost arranging to meet him, the following subjects must have been discussed...?

  • whether he is gay or straight
  • whether he is transsexual, transgender, transvestite or none of the above (presume this can be on his profile however)
  • whether "you" (ie the fake male you are pretending to be) are gay or straight
  • whether "you" transsexual, transgender, or transvestite
  • what he hopes to get out of the meeting, what "he is looking for"
  • what "you" hope to get out of the meeting
  • what "you" are supposed to look like. I mean he is hardly likely to agree to meet someone he hasn't seen a photo of, is he?
DeFluffy · 03/06/2010 19:30

i know balloon, this is all starting to be very strange...

PrincessFiorimonde · 03/06/2010 20:05

CS - at 16.37 you said: "I have access to his email accounts, his facebook, his phone - all of which he knows about and is happy for me to have access to".

So doesn't he also know you have access to the TS site you are talking about?

Please forgive me if I'm missing something here.

Perhaps he hasn't said explicitly, "Dear CS, please have a look at all web accounts where I'm using the same user name." But, from what you say, he has certainly left that option open to you, hasn't he?

SO - is the point that he has a (TS) web account that he is not, after all, happy for you to have access to?

OR - is the point that he may have thought: "If CS accesses this account, she will realise an aspect of my life that is important to me. But I would find it hard to broach this subject with her directly. So - I will let her find out about it indirectly. And then we'll talk"?

Psyclist · 03/06/2010 23:31

You need to cancel your wedding. You don't trust your partner enough to get married. If I found my wife sneaking around and checking up on me like you are, I'd have second thoughts about our marriage. Searching the net with his details, making fake profiles to trick him into talking to you, checking his iPod? You either need help or you need out.