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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MN regular with urgent questions on what's "normal" in your relationship, because dh and I wildly disagree

164 replies

getsonmynerves · 23/05/2010 22:50

He is 43 but has the sexuality of a 14 year old. He is fond of making innuendos and spends all day trying to feel me up in some way/ trying to french-kiss me/ trying to dry-hump me, as soon as we are alone. It gets on my nerves soooooooooooo much and I feel like I'm constantly fending him off. In his defence though I must admit that my sex drive has been non-existent for the last five years and we hardly ever do it (less than once a month). I say his behaviour is not normal and I do regularly get cross and then he stops for a while but as soon as we start getting on better he reverts back to his old ways. He says my behaviour is not normal and that most women would love the attention and would for example jump at the chance of a five minute fondle on the bed while the kids are busy elsewhere. So who is right?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 23/05/2010 22:53

ugh no! he is WAY off
most women would not love that kind of attention

a nice hug, or a kiss... not groping, not innuendos and as for dry humping!!! good grief!

maybe if he stopped acting like a desperate teenager and started treating you with respect you;d feel more like having sex with him!

TheUsefulSuspect · 23/05/2010 22:56

can he peel bananas with his feet?

skidoodly · 23/05/2010 22:56

You are right.

And even if most women did love being pawed at and groped () YOU don't love it, so he should stop.

sanfairyann · 23/05/2010 22:58

he sounds frustrated - did he used to behave like this when you had sex more often? it's hardly a great strategy for getting you into bed and perhaps the fact it hasn't worked would alert him to that but it seems no. no idea who is 'normal' but I'd be horrified both by the endless dry humping and also the fact I was only having sex once a month - not sure that is terribly helpful though

Raksha · 23/05/2010 22:58

you are right. sounds very wearing, and probably have exactly the opposite effect to that intended.

wukter · 23/05/2010 23:00

Nope i'd hate that.
DP agrees, though to be fair, not as vehemently as I do.

Original poster

getsonmynerves · 23/05/2010 23:01

I think he is frustrated which makes it a bit of a vicious circle, but I keep telling him to try a different approach and he won't. It's either like this or, when I've blown my top about it yet again, no physical contact from him at all.

OP posts:

ThistleWhistle · 23/05/2010 23:01

Well, I've been with my DH for 18 years and recently I had to tell him that I didn't appreciate being mauled and pawed at every time I was within grabbing distance.

We are the same as you, hardly any sex as too knackered with 2 young DC's and I think he just gets frustrated. He got upset when I told him that I felt like I was being 'violated' though from the constant grabbing. I think he thought he was being funny but it was just fucking annoying.

Shodan · 23/05/2010 23:01

IMO, you are.

I like the odd grope/fondle/snog but not a constant barrage of it.

DH went through a brief phase of doing it and I told him it pissed me off, so he stopped. That's what I would consider normal- your partner respecting you, your body and your opinions.

Just13moreyearstogo · 23/05/2010 23:03

You probably need to meet somewhere in the middle. He's over the top and you're too disinterested. It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion about what each of you needs and wants.

Original poster

getsonmynerves · 23/05/2010 23:06

The trouble is I don't want to go anywhere near him when he's like this.

OP posts:

ant3nna · 23/05/2010 23:11

Its not normal and I don't believe that most women would like this sort of attention. Perhaps if he gives you the sort of attention that you want then you'll be more interested in him.

antoinettechigur · 23/05/2010 23:12

Well it's not OK if you don't like it. However you aren't having sex very often. Are you happy with that? It doesn't matter what is normal for other people. Agree with Just13, you need to have a talk about how you can both enjoy your sex life.

skidoodly · 23/05/2010 23:17

The fact that he persists in acting this way and defends his entitlement to act this way, despite knowing it makes you unhappy, speaks to a man who doesn't have much respect for you as a person.

BertieBotts · 23/05/2010 23:18

My ex-partner was like this. (Partner as in we lived together, we have a child together)

But yes, note the "EX".

To be fair we had other problems too, but this was a pretty major thing for me. We tried everything to address it but TBH he just didn't get it - the thing for me was that when he always groped me etc, I felt like he wasn't seeing me as a person, I felt like he only wanted me for sex, which was a huge turn off. I also felt starved of affection, because I need (as most people, especially women, do I think) to be hugged, kissed, touched etc without it being sexual. If I tried to initiate affection like this then he would take it as an invitation, again if this wasn't intended as such it was a huge turn off and made me feel very frustrated. So he was frustrated (and therefore probably not feeling very affectionate) because I was rejecting him sexually, and I was frustrated because he was not showing me any non-sexual affection.

Also my ex used to do things like if we got into a kissing/snogging session, he'd get his cock out and want me to touch it. If I started giving him a hand job he'd want oral sex, if I gave him oral sex he'd want full sex - I just felt like he was never satisfied with what I was offering and I thought why do I bother?

wukter · 23/05/2010 23:18

It's odd. You are not having sex that much and he's obviously frustrated. Fair enough. But you've told him that you don't like this approach - so why isn't he trying to seduce you your way? Does he actually want it or does he just not want your dwindling sex life not to be his fault. IYKWIM. Or is the odd grope enough for im sexually?

skidoodly · 23/05/2010 23:21

Maybe he just likes sexually harassing you in your own home?

Original poster

getsonmynerves · 23/05/2010 23:21

That's a very pertinent question wukter and one which I have asked myself, but I don't know the answer. I do think there might be some truth in that though.

OP posts:

Original poster

getsonmynerves · 23/05/2010 23:24

skidoodley - ey?

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Sazisi · 23/05/2010 23:25

No, I'd find his approach quite off-putting too.

It's a shame, it sounds like a vicious circle where he wants more sex but he's making you want it less by being so full-on all the time .
If he chilled out a bit and tried it on in more subtle/romantic ways
do you think you'd prefer that?

thisisyesterday · 23/05/2010 23:26

maybe you should show him this thread?

you do need to sit and talk to him about it. tell him you know things need to change, and that you'd like that to happen. but that it won't change unless he stops behaving like this

Original poster

getsonmynerves · 23/05/2010 23:27

Sad thing is we have talked about it before many a time.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 23/05/2010 23:30

dry humping is vile. i was in a 'friend's' kitchen once with her and her DP did this and i almost vomited right on her floor.

your DH is not listening to you. he is thinking only of what he wants and thinks;

"most women would love the attention" translates as " i want sex, sex is my right, you are not giving it, there is something wrong with you."

he is a child in a man's body.

you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. tell him you need to say something and that you dont want him to interupt until you have finished.

tell him how th innuendos, groping etc makes you feel. i mean physically. do you squirm, cringe, push him away?

tell him what sort of attention would be welcome and would encourage reciprocation.

tell him that you will not have sex with a teenager.

tell him that sex is only good when it involves two fully consenting adults and that means you will not have sex when pressured into it.

tell him that his behaviour must stop and he must get to know you and learn to listen to how you are feeling and what you want.

tell him all this and then tell him that is how it is going to be and allow him time to let it all sink in.

he most probably will huff like the teenager he is but it is that way or no way from now on so he has a choice. to accept it and move forward or to huff and get nowhere.

BertieBotts · 23/05/2010 23:32

Yes skidoodly hit it on the head - it's a lack of respect. It was definitely a symptom of it with my XP.

He also used to insist that I was the weird one, I had a problem, I should go to the doctors etc, I actually did start to worry about my sex drive - I shouldn't have bothered worrying, a few weeks after I left him it was as good as new, and I didn't have any of the problems I'd had with him - finding sex painful and physically difficult, etc. The difference? The sex was with someone who respected me and wouldn't have dreamt of asking for anything more than once in any more than a slightly hopeful, enquiring way, or pushing any boundaries, and didn't seem to think that I "owed" him anything or consider me personally responsible for his sexual relief. (XP used to say "I shouldn't need to wank, I've got a girlfriend, that's your job" )

I could go on...

thisisyesterday · 23/05/2010 23:33

would he agree to some sort of counselling togerher?

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