MN regular with urgent questions on what's "normal" in your relationship, because dh and I wildly disagree

[getsonmynerves]

He is 43 but has the sexuality of a 14 year old. He is fond of making innuendos and spends all day trying to feel me up in some way/ trying to french-kiss me/ trying to dry-hump me, as soon as we are alone. It gets on my nerves soooooooooooo much and I feel like I'm constantly fending him off. In his defence though I must admit that my sex drive has been non-existent for the last five years and we hardly ever do it (less than once a month). I say his behaviour is not normal and I do regularly get cross and then he stops for a while but as soon as we start getting on better he reverts back to his old ways. He says my behaviour is not normal and that most women would love the attention and would for example jump at the chance of a five minute fondle on the bed while the kids are busy elsewhere. So who is right?

TBH I agree with those who say that neither extreme is normal.

Your DH is acting like a total horndog (hate that term but it's appropriate!) which is normal for some blokes but he's harassing you and that's not normal.

But you say you don't want sex at all and IMO that's not normal either, which is why I and others have suggested it could be a sign of an underlying problem. I honestly don't mean to worry you with that, it's just one of my mother's friends (and I wasn't supposed to hear this conversation so they weren't discussing sex in front of me) had a whole battery of tests done because she'd be feeling run down and had some problems 'down there' and it turned out her hormone levels were totally out of whack, don't know why, but it was fixable and suddenly things improved in the 'bedroom department'. Gotta love women aged 50+ talking in veiled terms about things 'down there' and 'the bedroom department'!

You might feel you're meeting him in the middle but unless you're open with him he won't know it's the middle IYSWIM. He might think that you want sex occasionally and he'd like it to be more, say once a week, without realising your making a huge effort to have sex at all. You need to be honest with each other and both work out how often in an ideal world you'd have sex, what works for each of you, whether you want to timetable sex or whether you'd rather leave it vague, who prefers to initiate things/be seduced.

Personally I can't stand 'pressure' to have sex. Our wedding night was the worst sex I've ever had - I was doing it because I had to not because I wanted to. Ironically until that point out sex life had been fantastic!

So at the end of the day neither of you are 'right' and both of you need to change in your own ways.

Getson, I don't feel I'm being hostile at all, just a bit irritated that you still haven't said whether you actually enjoy sex with your husband.

It does make a difference, I'm not just being intrusive - you can live with a low libido quite easily by understanding that you don't have to be initially in the mood for sex to be able to get aroused and actually enjoy it, lots of people think that they have a problem when they don't , it's very common to be wired that way - desire follows arousal for a lot of people, if that's the case then you need to spell it out to him that you need seducing rather than pestering, if he realises that he will have a happy and willing partner if he changes his behaviour, plus he'll get more sex that way, he'd be an idiot not to change.
I suppose the only other thing to try is aversion therapy, you pester him for sex all the time and hope that he will get fed up of it .

As the op says she was just asking what is normal, clearly she does not want to put her sex life under the microscope. And as for suggestions of spelling it out / making it clear she doesnt like being groped, i think its quite clear shes done this.

A few years ago i couldve wrote her post , and i wouldnt have liked some of the responses that wouldve also backed up my exes idea that there was " something wrong " with me.

I didnt like sex with my ex, mostly because of
Disgusting groping
Poor personal hygeine
Farting, burping
Overweight
He wasnt very good at it
Wasnt attentive in other ways ,
I never got off , it wasnt a pleasant experience
He would guilt trip and whine at me to do it.

Basicly i just didnt find him attractive due the above and also certain aspacts of his charecter. I didnt need drugs, counselling or anything like that , he was the one with the problem , not i.

I would also meet him half way which in hindsight did not solve the problem, really i shouldve stayed away from him until he could show me some respect.

but OP hasn't said any of those things about her husband Dignified. The worst she has said of him is that he acts like a sex-starved animal around her. And actually, from what she says, that's exactly what he is - sex starved. If she had said there were other issues, similar to those you have mentioned, I think there would have been fewer people telling her that she needs to compromise.

The point i was making is that she wasnt asking for advice how to rejuvinate her sex life or how to compromise, she was just asking for opinions about what was normal in relation to his horrible groping.

She might be repulsed by him , he may stink , he mightve had affairs ( not saying this is true )but there could be a thousand reasons why she doesnt want to have sex with him, but she doesnt want to go into it.

And yes, he is behaving like a sex starved animal despite the fact he could have sex in the evenings but he cant be arsed to, preffering to pester her for sex in the morning .

Considering the fact that shes willing to have sex in the evenings i really cant see why shes being encouraged to compromise. Shes also said if he didnt grope shed be willing to do it more often .My bet is that if she had sex with him twice a day hed still grope and letch at her.

interesting thread......

So interesting that you can't be bothered to offer an opinion SDD?

A male viewpoint would be most welcome.

I'm scared to

Actually - generally align with what you post Mal rather than say SGB.

I can partly sympathise with the partner of the OP - in that I still find my DW very attractive (even after more than 20 years together) and wanting to show that I still lust after her is important to me - sometimes women need to realise that us men are simple and communicate more directly.

OK - inappropriate humping at the wrong timne ain't gonna do it but sometimes you gotta tell her that she still rocks your boat .

Yes, what he is doing is rather like using a sledge hammer to crack a nut, he does need to learn to be more subtle.

I rather like the unsubtle approach myself, If my DH stopped doing it after 28 years I'd be very worried indeed.

I would not like it if my DH acted like a frotteur on public transport.

I am depressed that I don't feel "sexy" anymore, I feel weighed down by the burdens of house and family. DH and I have been together 20 years.

Luckily he doesn't grope me like a teenager, but the situation isn't great.

Neither of you sounds "normal" OP and also, the longer it goes on, the worse you are both likely to feel.

Any chance of a holiday minus children?

Miggsie, you can feel sexy again, a bit of effort and a change of attitude really works.

I like a bit of frottage on an escalator or in the checkout queue myself. Why shoudn't you act like a pair of lovesick teenagers? it can work wonders for your self image.

I'm 44 and have never been happier with myself, you can change if you want to, I did.

Another fella here:

Like a pat/squeeze of the arse, a cheeky can i have a (inset sexual thingy here), a phwoar you're lovely init...

...but dry humping. Jesus christ. Like full on groping? Mrs Fonz would stab me.

How about surprising him with a couple of Deutsche Banks each week? Ok get your kecks off bish bash bosh. That might shut him up.

Do you have a good time when you have sex? Like do you orgasm? If not, well, then it all needs a bit of work etc...

Do you even fancy him any more?

sometimes women need to realise that us men are simple and communicate more directly.

How much more direct do you think she should be?
And perhaps he is simple, maybe thats why she doesnt want to have sex with him .