MN regular with urgent questions on what's "normal" in your relationship, because dh and I wildly disagree

[getsonmynerves]

He is 43 but has the sexuality of a 14 year old. He is fond of making innuendos and spends all day trying to feel me up in some way/ trying to french-kiss me/ trying to dry-hump me, as soon as we are alone. It gets on my nerves soooooooooooo much and I feel like I'm constantly fending him off. In his defence though I must admit that my sex drive has been non-existent for the last five years and we hardly ever do it (less than once a month). I say his behaviour is not normal and I do regularly get cross and then he stops for a while but as soon as we start getting on better he reverts back to his old ways. He says my behaviour is not normal and that most women would love the attention and would for example jump at the chance of a five minute fondle on the bed while the kids are busy elsewhere. So who is right?

(Sorry, a few months not weeks, not that it's that relevant)

My husband was like this. When I questioned him on it, he said that because he knew he'd get rejected probably 9/10 times, he just upped the rate to give him a better chance. And who says men and women don't think the same, eh!

However, it has massively affected our marriage. As he points out, he doesn't actually care if everyone only does it once a month, that's not enough for him. Since I've told him not to constantly pester me, he hasn't and it's been much easier to meet halfway. But I've had to decide to put some effort into something which wasn't a deal-breaker for me, but was for him. I guess you either put out, put up or get out!

oh, i do think wukter has an interesting angle on this.

"I guess you either put out, put up or get out!"

No.

He must stop sexually harassing her BEFORE there can be any talk of her "putting out".

Not wanting sex as often as your partner DOES NOT justify this kind of violation of their person.

Differing sex drives is a difficult problem to sort, but the understanding, compromise, love and kindness it takes to manage it can't co-exist with one partner being a sex pest.

violation of YOUR person

apols

SeasideLil at that logic! All morality aside, I think that might work when dating, as in, with a different woman every time!

Seriously, it just beggars belief...

Yes, not the most sensitive phrase. However, one option is to remake the dynamic in the relationship by telling him to back off clearly (which apparently he does do but then it wears off) leaving the OP to consider coming forward and initiating things on her terms when she likes. I didn't mean she should uncomplainingly have sex if she doesn't want to.

Otherwise, it is continue as it is, which is obviously not nice, or leave.

How nice is he WRT the rest of your relationship, OP? Does he do his fair share of household chores, does he listen to you, talk to you, treat you with kindness and courtesy?
I'm betting on a 'no' TBH. Because men who constantly grope and pester for sex even after having been told that a different approach would get better results are men who fundamentally don't respect their partners and don't think women are human beings.

is he a Yorkshire Terrier ?

have him put down

Personally I thikn he's right.

It's not normal to only have sex once a month. He must feel very unloved and rejected.

I don't know what "normal" is in a relationship and am dubious when others say they do on this type of thread. However, the scenario you describe sounds pretty usual.

I think if you want to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable then you have to listen when he tells you that your behaviour is unacceptable too.

As somebody else said earlier, there has to be a middle ground. A compromise where both of you make equal concessions to one another.

rofl at AnyFucker

My DP is like this. I HATE IT. Sex life took a turn for the worse (after about a month of being together!) got even worse after DCs and he does this all the time. I hate it, I tell him if he wants sex why not, you know, spend some time on foreplay, seduce me, be NICE to me, etc etc. But no, it's just the rough groping constantly and then as I find that so offputting it's a huge sulk from him and no affection at all. He says 'nobody has ever rejected me' and I say 'I'm not rejecting you but you're not showing me any real affection' etc etc. Thus far has not improved. ARGH.

DH is occasionally like this, usually if we haven't had sex for a week or so. We usually have sex once or twice a week, and DH has quite a high sex drive, so this is a bit of a compromise.

Ignoring his treatment of you for a moment, I would say that sex once a month isn't very much at all, and if he has an average male sex drive, then it must be very frustrating for him (not that it's an excuse).

If it was purely down to me, we'd probably have sex about once every 2-3 weeks, simply because I'm usually knackered, or I'm tired of having anyone all over me (wether DH of DCs). However, I do find that if we make an effort together to have more frequent, better quality sex (i.e. sex as a fun activity rather than tacked onto the end of a busy day) then I want to have more sex, and DH is more fun to be around.

I would asolutely hate this and it would be a massive turn-off. You're not a piece of meat!

OP why not suggest that instead of bothering you he turn his attentions to random women in the street, or, even better, on a crowded train?

SGB, he is kind and does his share around the house and he is great with the children. Talking - not so much, but then he's not a great talker in general.

Added complication is that he always wants to have sex in the morning and I absolutely don't like to do it in the morning, but in the evening, when I'd be more willing, he's not fussed.

Well I would absolutely hate the full on bombardment of requests for sex and would tell him so in no uncertain terms.

However, when my dc were young I just was NOT interested and nothing that ex h could have done would have made any difference. I think that even if he had approached it differently ie not being so up front about it I would probably have chosen not to notice because I just did not want to have sex, with him or with anyone. So all the helping out with housework and weekends away together wouldn't have made any difference.

I do wonder sometimes if we are fighting a natural instinct not to have sex while dc are tiny as it is natures way of spacing pregnancies so that we can care for our young fully. Everyone seems to go off it at that stage don't they?

shimmery, I am certainly the same, the hottest man on the planet could be propositioning me and I'd rather read a book.

Trouble is my youngest is four, so when is it going to end?

When you meet a hot new man?

Actually I am joking but this is another theory I have, that monogamy is not a natural state for humans and that instinctively you are programmed to have your kids and then are supposed to move onto the next suitor.

Obviously this is not how we choose to live as a society so you have to make it work. But it is rather depressing isn't it that almost every person seems to go off sex within their relationships. There has to be a reason for that.

Isn't your relationship relatively new though KerryMumbles? It is all knickers flying off then isn't it ?

Personally I get bored sexually after a year or two in all my relationships.

So unless you are prepared to have sex according to his preferred schedule he thinks it's ok to treat you in a way that would have him put on the sex offenders register if he tried it with strangers?

Would he stop treating you this way if you provided him the regular morning sex he feels entitled to?