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Original poster

Devastated by my actions

152 replies

WHYDIDI · 10/05/2010 08:22

Sat night i had a one night stand.

i cant believe ive done it

ive been with my husband for 14 years and never cheated.

i feel desperatley sad that i just thought about killing myself

ive turned into a woman a frown upon and i feel crap. sat last with my husband and children i just wanted to curl up and die as i could have risked everything

will i ever feel any better

has my relationship with my husband changed forever

please help

i have name changed for this

OP posts:
VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 10/05/2010 08:25

Take responsibility for this and mend it.

Examine why you did it and face up to that....either a personal weakness or a symptom of relationship issues.

Deal with it and don't expect absolution in one thread.

Personally I think you should live with the guilt. telling anyone (DH) is just to make you feel better. it won't make him feel better!

Original poster
WHYDIDI · 10/05/2010 08:28

I'd never tell him it would break his heart.

i dont want anyone to know

our relationship has been hard lately.

wev had an incredibly tough 18 months and ive cracked.

i never want to do it again

OP posts:
Pheebe · 10/05/2010 08:43

Whydidi, I'm sure people will have their own opinions about what you did (I certainly do) but they won't be any help to you so I hope this doesn't turn into a mass flaming for you.

You do seem genuninely remorseful to me and that being the case I think you need to concentrate on making your marriage work and move forward from here. You say you've been having a tough time, are you dealing with this together?

That said, there are a couple of practical issues you need to consider. Were you 'safe' in terms in pregnancy and STD protection? If not you need to get checked out before you have sex with DH again. Is the OM likely to pop up again/assume there is more to come? Who else knows? Is this likely to come out?

If you really do want to make your marriage work you need to set the guilt aside (its a self indulgent emotion and will not help you re-establish an equal partnership with your DH) and work on regaining a caring, mutually supportive, honest relationahip.

Good luck

marriednotdead · 10/05/2010 08:44

Not the best decision you've made but you can move forward from this. Telling him would be pointless unless you want to end the marriage. Take this as the wake up call to focus on getting things back on track. Hope you used a condom... Good luck whydidi and try not to beat yourself up too much.

lovingmy2 · 10/05/2010 09:51

I get why you shouldn't tell him and you do seem completly devastated by what you have done but can you live day to day not telling him. Will the guilt of such a big secret not destroy things anyway. I think the true strenth of a marriage is honesty - without it leads to problems and more problems. These things have a habit of biting you on the bum eventually and if he finds out from someone else would that not be worse?

I think i would probably tell my husband and try and work through the issues we obviously had once he'd got over the inital anger and shock. BUT i am not saying this is the way you should go - you know your situation better than me and what would happen if he was to be told etc.

Good luck though in whatever way you go.

Malificence · 10/05/2010 09:52

Telling him what happened is the only option imho, otherwise you will forever see him as a victim and feel nothing but pity for him as the poor fool living a lie.

Honesty has nothing to do with making yourself feel better and everything to do with having enough respect for your partner to tell them so they can decide if they wish to forgive you and work things out or not -
only you know whether you can live a lie for the rest of your marriage by not telling him.

GooseyLoosey · 10/05/2010 09:55

I don't think that you should tell him. If you want to make your marriage work I would focus on that. Not sure what would be gained by telling your dh except absolution from your guilt. It certainly wouldn't make him feel any better. Use your feelings about what has happened to work out where you want to go with your marriage.

Pootles2010 · 10/05/2010 09:59

Definitely don't tell him! As you say, it'd break his heart. You have to deal with this yourself. I'd say focus on fixing your relationship, never tell a soul what happened. Is he someone you know? Likely to see again?

Oh and as someone else mentioned - did you use condom? If not get yourself checked, and consider morning after pill.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 10/05/2010 10:02

You hvae to do something about your relationship and will have to come to terms with what you have done, if you carry on like this he will find out!

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 10/05/2010 10:07

This for malificence -
"Telling him what happened is the only option imho, otherwise you will forever see him as a victim and feel nothing but pity for him as the poor fool living a lie."

Utter nonsense imho. You need to think about why you feel you want to tell him. If it is because you feel he has a right to know and it is all his choice whether to stay in the marriage, then tell him but be very prepared for the consequences.

Malificence · 10/05/2010 10:07

The lying ( and not telling is lying) is almost as bad as the cheating, in fact it prolongs the situation.

Telling might end the marriage, it's the chance you take when you have sex with someone other than your partner.

Unless your husband is violent/abusive, it's only right to tell him, he deserves to know, it's his decision, not yours, you have no right to let him live a lie.

Malificence · 10/05/2010 10:10

Fab, how many post on here have there been from women who have "not told", then months or years later the relationship is all but dead anyway, unless someone is a bit pathological, the guilt and shame will eat way at them.

Hassled · 10/05/2010 10:11

Don't tell him. It would be entirely for your benefit, not for his.

Just learn from it - think long and hard about the whys, and try to move on. You can't undo it, and you're going to feel like shit about it, but the only positive thing you can salvage from it is that it should make you pay a lot of attention to your relationship. You can go to Relate on your own - doesn't have to be with your DP, and it might help.

Gracie123 · 10/05/2010 10:13

I think it's worth telling him I'm afraid. There is no chance you'll ever have a happy, open, honest marriage without telling the truth.

It will break his trust in you right now, but you can re-build trust. You can't if you keep secrets from him. I wish you all the best and dearly hope you can reconcile with him.

Maybe consider some couples counselling? Having a third party present might help your husband to process it without losing his temper and reacting in a way that he feels he can't reverse.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 10/05/2010 10:14

I just feel you are being too black and white about it, Malificence, and the OP needs to do a lot of thinking before she decides to tell her husband.

Nancy66 · 10/05/2010 10:16

Don't tell him

do you need the morning after pill?

get yourself an STI check up in a couple of weeks if you had unprotected sex

Greensleeves · 10/05/2010 10:18

I would tell my dh

I don't like secrets and lies and wouldn't want to found our relationship or our future on this - I would need to know that he wanted to be with me even in possession of the facts, otherwise it's all a sham

also your dh has a right to decide for himself whether he wants to be with a partner who has done this to him - I respect and move my dh too much to keep something like this from him

sorry for you though, you must feel terrible

Malificence · 10/05/2010 10:21

If people can't face the consequences of the truth, maybe they should think before they act?
These things don't just happen.

Without the truth, there is NO relationship, not one worth having anyway.

Greensleeves · 10/05/2010 10:22

that's not very helpful Maleficence, I'm sure the OP feels rotten enough as it is

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 10/05/2010 10:27

Don't forget Greensleeves, that Malificence has the perfect relationship.

OP - just take your time with what you decide.

lilmissmummy · 10/05/2010 10:34

I think you have to work out if you can live with the guilt and whether you would want to know if it was the other way round.

Personally I would want to know as I think that the lying is as bad as the cheating however everyone is different.

I think that if your husband is willing then marriages could survive with counselling if he knows immediately.

Malificence · 10/05/2010 10:41

If I was always the only one advocating honesty then it might make me think I was out of step, however, the fact that WhenwillIfeelnormal advocates honesty too, having been through infidelity and come out the other side, rather indicates that honesty is almost always best in the long run.
It has nothing to do with my perfect marriage.

If you don't deal with the problem, it will come back and bite you!

The people who have been honest and worked through things are the ones with the now solid relationships, I've seen it time and time again on here.

EnchantedWithGordon · 10/05/2010 10:45

I agree with Malificence,

I would be devestated to find out my husband cheated.

I would be 100x more devestated to find out later on that he had cheated years ago and had arried on as normal, sleeping with me and treating me like a fool!

He will find out one day, she should be the one to tell him immediatly and start trying to make it right, if possible.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 11:37

I agree with the "tell him" contingent

I just look at it from my own point of view (am very selfish ya see..)

I would want to know, so I could make a decision about whether I wanted to continue with my marriage.

I would want no-one else to make such a fundamental judgement for me

HappyWoman · 10/05/2010 11:40

Yes your relationship has changed forever - but that does not mean the end of it.

I think i would have to tell but i can also understand if you dont.

i also dont think a relationship is nothing if you have 'secrets'.

I dont tell my h every single thing i am feeling or thinking - and yet a lot of women get very upset if their partners keep something from them.

I think you can see this as a symptom not the cause for your unhappy marriage. You now have the chance to change things. Also dont see your h as a victim - to do that you have to think you have something so awful to him - believe me when i say sleeping with someone else is not the worst crime you can commit to someone else - i have learned to live with my h infedility and it took him a lot longer to feel the guilt you are. If you feel you can work on it alone then do so.

Of course these things dont just happen - but you may not have explored all the reasons for it either.
It sounds as if you have not done it for the sole reason of destroying your marriage - so try to reason why you have done it. Better than making excuses for it too.

Try not to be so hard on yourself either - beating yourself up will not change the past.
Try and take a possitive from it and learn from this - and vow not to get into that position again.

Whatever way you choose to deal with it - get it sorted sooner rather than later.
and good luck.