Devastated by my actions

[WHYDIDI]

Sat night i had a one night stand.

i cant believe ive done it

ive been with my husband for 14 years and never cheated.

i feel desperatley sad that i just thought about killing myself

ive turned into a woman a frown upon and i feel crap. sat last with my husband and children i just wanted to curl up and die as i could have risked everything

will i ever feel any better

has my relationship with my husband changed forever

please help

i have name changed for this

But Gracie wouldn't a more analagous thread be "I just found out that my DH cheated on me once 14 years ago and has lied about it ever since" and some people probably would understand why he kept quiet.

Any OP (if she comes back) was not looking for advice on the tell/don't tell point as she had already decided upon that so I'm not sure how much some of these posts are helping by fixing on that point.

mal- 2 wrongs do not make a right.
Having sex with someone else was wrong; telling your partner is also wrong.

I think it is incredibly illogical to tell.

It is downright selfish and assumes some sort of virtue in always telling the whole truth, regardless of the outcome and how the otehr person would feel knowing that truth.

The OP cannot take back her actions and undo what hasbeen done; but she CAN decide not to inflict pain on her DH by telling. There is a big difference.

We have had this discussion before Mal- you are very black adn white and dare I say so, a bit naive when it comes to human emotions.

1. You need to go to the doctor and get checked out for STDs urgently, and wait for your test results to come back before you have sex with your DH again, even if you used a condom. If you do have an STD, you need to tell him.

2. Is there ANY way he could possibly find out from a third party? If so, you need to tell him.

If neither of these are the case, I would suggest that you do not tell your husband, but that you urgently seek professional counselling to help you deal with the guilt, and explore any underlying unhappiness in your marriage that could have precipitated this out-of-character behaviour. If this is a complete aberration for you, confessing to your husband is about you, not him it's selfish it's because you feel guilty and you want to confess to make yourself feel better. You can do both of these things to a counsellor, and get much better advice on how to move forward.

PP...you could also be accused of being very black and white

Would we all agree that a good proportion of infidelities come to light at some point ? Sometimes years down the line.

Cheaters are very often not as discreet as they thought. They think they have "got away with it", but that nosy secretary at the office/random distant relative in the pub/insert random bystander of your choice knows

People get found out all the time

Surely it is best that he finds out from you...the deceit and lies would be very much more damaging in the long run

Read any thread where a person has been cheated on, and this issue is constant

LT - but by telling the marriage may be fixed - by not telling the marriage will always be broken. Living with life-long guilt is going to be so bad for the relationship - always living a lie.

I would tell him.

Why?

Because we operate on the do unto others as you would have them do to you in our marriage.

And so, as I'd want to know, I'd tell my spouse.

Hence, why I couldn't screw someone else, because for me it would be a dealbreaker and for him, too, and he's a person with just as many feelings as I have.

'Telling equals hurting- why would you want to hurt someone you love, and want to keep ? Makes no sense at all.

Sleeping with someone else when you're in a relationship = hurting unless you've agreed to openness sexually. He's already been hurt. He just doesn't know it.

But he may find out inadvertently.

'telling your partner is also wrong.'

lying is also wrong. even lying by omission. it's deceitful, and most people find that very very hurtful.

'We have had this discussion before Mal- you are very black adn white and dare I say so, a bit naive when it comes to human emotions.'

What a patronising way to dismiss someone's opinions and feelings.

Agree with LindenAvery and expat.

Not taking responsibility for one's actions is the reason why so many act without any thought forethought of the consequences.

I don't know about you, but I've found that often leads to rather profound regrets.

This has happened to me. I found out over years later. I certainly didnt think - "oh poor you, you had all this to live with for the last two years, how awful you must feel". I actually thought "you lieing, cheating piece of distended putrid rectum get out of my house and never come back".

By not telling me and keeping his one night stand a secret for two years, and for having absolutely no intention of ever telling me, it was impossible to be with him for a moment longer. His lies, far more than the one night stand, killed our relationship.

His dishonesty made the last two years of our relationship completely worthless and I can never forgive him for that.

I completely agree with Malificence and AnyFucker and the others who champion honesty.

Seriously. Get some professional advice. If it were me I probably wouldn't tell my husband, and vice versa, even though we know for sure that we wouldn't divorce the other person if we did tell, it would just be horrible and hurtful (and weirdly, that's actually extra incentive not to be an idiot).

But as you should be able to see by now there are plenty of other people out there who would want to know straight away. Only you know your husband and the state of your relationship, and whether this would be a deal-breaker, or whether keeping it to yourself would make it even worse. And you have to be in the state of mind where you can accept whatever the consequences will be of disclosure.

Get off MN, find a RL professional.

Get off MN, find a RL professional

Well said, Beanlet. A professional would look at it calmly and from a neutral standpoint. There are too many people on here with their own hobby horses, with axes to grind. I sometimes wonder why they want to read the threads about infidelity, dishonesty etc. Does it make them feel happier about themselves, smug about their lives? Then they go on other threads and spout off, excuse the expression, about their sex lives. Shane Watson had something to say about this in the Sunday Times the other week:

"It is well known that men who bang on about their sex lives are invariably covering up some inadequacy, and married women who feel the need to tell everyone what terrific sex they?re having are even more suspect."

I have known plenty of men and women who have not told and lived for years with the "guilt", and never, ever been found out.

The guilt diminshes as time goes by- it doesn't stay as strong as it began.

Those of you who are advocating telling should question your motives. I suspect it is based on a very "holier than thou" and self-righteous kind of behaviour, rather than what is right for the person in question. It is no good living your life by a set of immovable principles if those very principles cause more hurt in the end.

PP, that is exactly what I am trying to get people to see. You see, what is worrying is that posters say tell the truth and see where that gets you. If it ends in divorce, then it's your fault. But the OP mentioned her children. And I honestly think it is worth weighing everything up. People are very black and white about what would happen if their spouse cheated, that it would be the end of the marriage. What they are really saying is, my dented ego comes above everything else.

alliscalm- I agree absolutely.
You can build a relationship up even if you have strayed. The "truth" does not have to come out. what has to change is your behaviour so that you are now fully committed to your partner. Like all emotions, guilt fades in time.

If someone is wracked with guilt over an indiscretion why make their loved ones feel that pain too? To give them a choice over whether to carry on with you? To destroy their world?

I just cannot see how anyone can advocate telling- you must really want to stick the knife into someone who otherwise would be (blissfully) ignorant.

Is it your way of dishing out some kind of punishment to the "sinner" so they will have to "pay" for their bad behaviour-possibly by losing their partner as a result of their confession? That's what it looks like to me.

I'm with AF, Gracie and expat.

Being honest enables the cheated partner to make an informed choice re continuing the relationship.

I think you need to consider the sexual health aspect too. I wouldn't have unprotected sex until you have the all clear, which is many months for hiv.

PP - 'You can build a relationship up even if you have strayed. The "truth" does not have to come out. what has to change is your behaviour so that you are now fully committed to your partner. Like all emotions, guilt fades in time.'

How can you be fully committed to a partner if you have strayed? You are not the person they thought you were? Don't you think a change in behaviour will get them thinking?

And no it is more driven by the innocent partner having a right to know the 'truth' and being able to make the decision on whether to stay or not. It's the deception that kills the relationship not necessarily the one night stand.

As has been said it's up to the OP to decide and probably get help elsewhere? But why post? And her relationship is already in trouble as a result of the one night stand as it's done now.

i wouldn't tell my dh - unless i wanted him to leaVE that is.

i dont see what you have to gain by telling him.

if you decide to tell himand you strongly suspect he will leave or you will get divorced - i would take my time plannin it through, sorting out finances, papers - getting legal advice etc - before you told him.

just makes sense

And not revealing the truth so you can 'keep' your partner/husband equally smacks of selfishness surely!

i am sure the wellbeing of the children, finances etc are also a pressure and maybe not a selfish thought to thnk it throuh for the good of the family.

something she should have thought about before hand granted - but she is whwere she is and i am sure she is condisering the welfare of the family as a wqhole

Linden- does it really need to be spelled out for you?

Are you saying in fact that a one night stand should be the end of a marraige when there are also children involved? Sounds like it.
Are you such a hard person that you cannot tolerate anyone making a mistake?

I cannot believe you are unable to read that what I said was now show commitment to your DH.

Deception does not kill a relationship. where is the evidence for that please? Your own experiences, or some sort of moral compass that is not based in reality? That is a myth. Deception can work very well.

I am sick to death of the puritans here egging people on to confess all, as if it is going to make things better!

Get off your high horses and show some humility FGS.

'I just cannot see how anyone can advocate telling- you must really want to stick the knife into someone who otherwise would be (blissfully) ignorant.

Is it your way of dishing out some kind of punishment to the "sinner" so they will have to "pay" for their bad behaviour-possibly by losing their partner as a result of their confession? That's what it looks like to me.'

And to others, including a poster who was actually in the OP's spouse's position, it is covering deceit with more deceit.

You see things one way, others see and feel things differently.

Only the OP knows her husband well enough to know which way he might swing.

Do you always assume people who feel differently from you or disagree with you are automatically wrong, deluded, naive, holier-than-thou, foolish, immature, etc.?

What an odd thing to assume about people you don't know.

Some place more value on truth than lies, whereas some prefer security and that ignorance is bliss.

It's pretty narrow-minded to conclude anyone who doesn't agree with you comes from a negative standpoint, especially when some here have shared their own experiences with infidelity (Happy Woman and Waspie), without labelling those who might feel differently with a load of nasty descriptions.

I guess poor Waspie's on a high horse, too, in PP's world.

Nice.

So much for being so caring of other peoples' feelings.