Devastated by my actions

[WHYDIDI]

Sat night i had a one night stand.

i cant believe ive done it

ive been with my husband for 14 years and never cheated.

i feel desperatley sad that i just thought about killing myself

ive turned into a woman a frown upon and i feel crap. sat last with my husband and children i just wanted to curl up and die as i could have risked everything

will i ever feel any better

has my relationship with my husband changed forever

please help

i have name changed for this

"Deception does not kill a relationship. where is the evidence for that please? Your own experiences, or some sort of moral compass that is not based in reality? That is a myth. Deception can work very well."

I'm sure it can pp but not in any relationship i know.

"I am sick to death of the puritans here egging people on to confess all, as if it is going to make things better!

Get off your high horses and show some humility FGS."

Fuck off

hello hello. been in this position from both sides. when very young(yes am blatantly trying to use that as an excuse,) i cheated on my bf with an ex. god it was crap too. bf found out and it bit me on the bum big style and ruined his life for a while. karma a few years later-my beloved does the same to me...i was OUTRAGED that he didn't/wouldn't dare confess even when caught red handed as i felt quite rightly that i should determine whether or not i wanted to stay with a lying cheating schmuck. i did stay as it happens. sorry if this seems flippant, but even if you don't tell him someone or something else might. be warned, will you be able to keep a lid on it? i have to say i would always always want to know. sorry, have had TWO glasses of wine AND just about to breastfeed. gah sorry tmi.

oh god somehow i missed all the previous page-put so much more eloquently than me( off i go back to the wine baby

If I was deceived, it would kill my relationship stone dead

i say i stayed as i think there IS life after infidelity, if a whole host of conditions are met and some serious work is done by the erstwhile cheater. though i am thoroughly chastened AF and you have sobered me up

eh peppermint ? I have not chastened you

I merely said how this situation would make me feel

I am just sorry you had to go through what you did x

sorry! hormonal woman alert. only kidding anyway, am taking the p out of myself a little bit

oh good, pepp

sorry, feeling a bit antsy this evening x

Telling him would hurt him. Don't do it.
I can't see what telling him would achieve for either of you.
It's your penance to deal with the guilt, and be thankful that you have had a wake up call - put all your energy into improving things for you and DH and the children, and you will all be happier.
If you are sure no one else knows so there's no chance of DH finding out, keep schtum and be thankful for what you have, and what you could have lost.
For those that say they would want to know - really? You'd like to wake up one day happy and fulfilled, be told by your DH that he made a stupid one off drunken mistake that he has no intention of repeating? You would never feel the same about him, therefore the stupid not to be repeated mistake will have ruined your otherwise happy marriage. And don't tell me that if it was happy that the other person wouldn't have cheated, cos that's not how it works sometimes.

but dolly...that "happiness" would have been based on a fantasy, on lies, on deceit

I would not want that for myself

But AF - of course it wouldn't be 'based' on lies and deceit, and you say you wouldn't want that for yourself - well - if you didn't know about it, how would it affect you? It wouldn't!!!!

when I found out, it would certainly affect me

Who's saying you'd find out? That's my point, if she is sure there's no way he could find out (she didn't tell anyone, the guy in question doesn't know her or live near by, no one saw them etc) then what's the point in telling and upsetting the whole family?

Anyone who hides behind the " I'm not telling for the good of my family"
bullshit deserves to be found out.

"Deception can work very well" - in which twisted reality is that then? Only if you're a lying, conniving scumbag.

Some real nice respect some of you have for your partners there girls.

You okay AF?

dolly...and my point is...the risks of getting found out would be too high to take the risk (for me, anyway)

to discover that not only had your partner cheated, but had weaved a web of lies and deceit (and taken me for a fool...which if I am being honest is the biggest insult) would be double the hurt, IMO

fab, yes I am ok, thanks love

mal says"Anyone who hides behind the " I'm not telling for the good of my family"
bullshit deserves to be found out."

why? Deserves to be found out for putting their family first?

God what a nasty, cynical piece of work you are with very warped moral standards.

ladies, ladies

can we not disagree without resorting to name calling

I mean both of you...mal and purplepeony < dodges missiles >

Yes dear, of course I'm the one with the warped morals.

The only reason people don't tell is to preserve their lifestyle/make their life easier, if they valued ther familes they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

I just love the irony of being accused of warped moral standards by someone who actively encourages lies and deceit - classic.

Haven't read all posts, so apologies if someone has said similar.

IMO as someone who has been cheated on, I would possibly suggest OP doesn't tell, if it was a one-off.

The risk to her family and marriage, effect on DC is so great, would it be worth it?

OP will have to live with the guilt for rest of life but why punish the rest of the family, if she is remorseful and certain it wouldn't happen again.

OP needs to look deep into herself and find out why it happened, and change, if she wishes to remain with DP and loves him.

However, if it then went on for longer, other one night stands or developed into an affair, then I feel that would be different.

The lies and deceit that affairs bring are most devastating to the one cheated upon, I know from experience, and yes you are made a fool of, I wish I had known sooner, but I didn't find out for several years.

Then OP should tell DP. If only out of respect. My ex h showed no respect for me or my DC.

I could have forgiven a one night stand, but not the years of living a lie.

Hope this doesn't sound contradictory.

whydidi I think the fact that you are beating yourself up about what you did - forget telling your DH - it was a one off hopefully and my advice would be to tell your very best friend in rl - the one everyone has, they can tell anything to and burden her/him and get on with life...

Its not ideal what you have done and nobody is perfect and for some of the comments from people on here - if it happened to them they would have to tell - they wouldn't tell there husband!! - they just want to see how dh would react if you did!!!which I think is personally mean!

Life can be black and white - appreciate what you have now, learn from it and enjoy! and also I hope it was worth it!!

minxi, how old are you , 12 ?

The problem with threads such as this, is that nobody ever comes back and says what happened when they did tell.

I do know that the people who aren't honest and don't tell are usually on here, months or even years later, with severe relationship problems due to leaving things to fester and never properly sorting things out.

mal, don't rise to that last crack by minxi

what a corker, eh ? My sides are fair splitting with mirth at that one....