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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated by my actions

152 replies

WHYDIDI · 10/05/2010 08:22

Sat night i had a one night stand.

i cant believe ive done it

ive been with my husband for 14 years and never cheated.

i feel desperatley sad that i just thought about killing myself

ive turned into a woman a frown upon and i feel crap. sat last with my husband and children i just wanted to curl up and die as i could have risked everything

will i ever feel any better

has my relationship with my husband changed forever

please help

i have name changed for this

OP posts:
ChickensNeedOpposableThumb · 10/05/2010 11:47

Have to say, I would need to tell him. I couldn't be happy with such a huge secret between us. Good luck op.

Malificence · 10/05/2010 11:51

"believe me when i say sleeping with someone else is not the worst crime you can commit to someone else".
HW, doesn't that rather depend on your viewpoint?

The OP ought to know her DH well enough to know what his feelings are on infidelity - if he has said in the past that he "wouldn't want to know" that's one thing, if he has always said it would be a deal-breaker, that's another thing entirely.

There's a world of difference between not sharing every little thought and feeling with your partner and keeping something so fundamental to the future of a marriage a secret.

Also, most people aren't half as good at keeping secrets as they think they are - if you know your partner, which after 14 years you really should, it's very often the things they don't say that are the most telling.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 10/05/2010 11:53

Does wanting to sleep with someone else equal marital problems or just if you do have sex with them?

msboogie · 10/05/2010 11:56

Were you sober or completely twatted when you did this? I only ask, not because it makes any difference to what you have done or need to do next, but because I wondered whether you think you might have lost control in alcohol?

If this is so out of character for you that it has made you contemplate suicide what made you do it? If there are serious underlying problems they need to be adressed as part of what you do next.

FWIW: my advice is do not tell him unless you are prepared to end your marriage.The permanent guilt is your punishment for what you did, Im afraid. Live with it and don't let it happen again.

MrsJellicle · 10/05/2010 11:57

If there is ANY WAY WHATSOEVER that he will find out, then i think you should tell him. It is a terrible thing indeed to be deceived over a long period of time. Think about all the people who might have seen you, the motivations and whereabouts of the OM and any other evidence - texts, calls etc. In my experience it is actually very difficult to rule out any chance of being found out.

If you do tell him, then I would look very carefully at all the wonderful advice on some of the threads on here so you can understand better how he might feel and how you can best repair things. Be prepared for a rocky ride, but take heart from the fact that it can be done.

But if it is inconceivable that he will find out and you can genuinely say that it was a one-off, terrible mistake that you have no desire even deep down to do again, then I would not tell him. Especially if you think that the main motivation would be so you don;t feel as guilty. And i would channel all the self indulgent energy you would otherwise spend on feeling guilty into re-energising your marriage.

Good luck. I hope you sort things out.

msboogie · 10/05/2010 12:00

absolutely agree if there is any possibility he will find out you should tell him but if not you should put your marriage and children first and suck up the guilt.

nickschick · 10/05/2010 12:02

I think that the punishment you pay for this is the fact you bear it alone,and that you work much harder at the relationship with your dh.

Put it behind you and move on.

The guilt will ease -just dont do it again.

LadyThompson · 10/05/2010 12:05

As others have said, if there is no chance he will find out, learn from your awful mistake, make a gigantic effort to mend your relationship and never be so stupid again.

Tryharder · 10/05/2010 12:06

If you tell him, he will probably leave you. I think men handle infidelity less well than women.

If your marriage is worth saving and presumably you have children to consider, joint assets etc, then I personally would try to learn from my mistake and move on and up. If you had had a protracted emotional affair then of course, it would be different, but why ruin your entire family's lives for something so meaningless.

Ivykaty44 · 10/05/2010 12:06

Use this as a wake-up call for your lfe and marraige, don't dwell in the past and get moving forward.

You can't undoe what you have done.

Do you need soem time to brood?

KaraThrace · 10/05/2010 12:12

I totally agree with nickschick.

What you have done is terrible, but it was only a one night stand. If the OM is likely to crop up again and your DH is going to bump into him then it is a different matter.

But your punishment is to carry this to your grave.

You need to work out why this happened and why it won't happen again.

Good luck.

Mimiso · 10/05/2010 12:13

I wouldnt tell if I cheated, reason being that sometimes these things just happen. Not that it wiil be premeditated or anything. We are all human beings and we are prone to making mistakes as we strive to become better people. The important thing to take away from this is whether you have learnt anything from this and from your post it seems that you have. Take this knowledge away with you and make sure that you do not repeat this again.

I would be extremely hurt if my OH cheated on me, but I would also try and understand why he did it, was it just a one off or he was vulnerable at that time due to alcohol etc. Cheating is in no way justifiable but it is also human

Mimiso · 10/05/2010 12:15

One of the main things that would bother me about a cheating partner is whether they were safe. There are so many diseases lurking out there eg. genital warts and herpes which one can contract even when protected, so in tnis climate cheating is just too risky

piratecat · 10/05/2010 12:20

i can understand you must feel like absolute shit. I know the circs of how this happened don't change what happened, but I wonder what led you to do this?

Has to be something more to it. My guess it was drunken and you felt v flattered and sought after?

I don't know your relationship with your dh. I can't comment on what you should do. I feel for you though, cos you obviously have shocked yourself.

if you think he has a right to know, ie to judge you and your whole marriage then tell him. How would you feel if it was a reverse situation.

I'd want to know personally.

piratecat · 10/05/2010 12:21

Mimiso, would you want your oh to tell you?

LindenAvery · 10/05/2010 12:31

oh sex is so instant these days - there is no time to think at all.....

I'm in the tell him gang - because your marriage is already broken and only the two of you can fix it together

LadyThompson · 10/05/2010 12:43

Yes, but if she tells him and he leaves, there's going to be no marriage to fix.

Mimiso · 10/05/2010 12:43

I am not sure whether I would be strong enough to deal with being told tbh. I guess I get both arguments of to tell or not to tell. On one hand being told means that your OH is guilty enough to tell you and that maybe he is genuinely sorry about his actions. Sometimes things are better left unsaid especially if the other party feels that it might ruin the relationship and they know that they will never do it again. Sorry I am not making much sense lol.

When I met my OH many years ago, he had just come out of a relationship so naturally he was all over the place emotionally. Well he is such a bad liar so one day before we lived together he met up with his now ex. I was looking for him all weekend to no avail. After much investigation on my part I discovered that he had met up with his ex and spent Saturday night with her (whether they slept together or not I still do not know to this day). I was willing to overlook the sleeping together part but was more upset by the betrayal of arranging to meet up and actually going to see her and spending the day with her. THat to me was worse than a one night stand as it was clearly premeditated. I was so upset about this but understood as we had only been dating for about a month and they had been together for almost ten years.

I cant say what the moral of the 'cheating' was, but in one way I felt better that he told me the truth - and on the other hand I just wished he hadnt told me. So to sum it up I would like to be told but also wouldnt like to be told.......

Mimiso · 10/05/2010 12:46

I personally wouldnt cheat on anyone because I am just not that way inclined. Secondly I just dont think that a few minutes of passion are worth it to have to live with the betrayal and also the notion that you might pick up some unsavoury diseases along the way........

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 13:09

mimi...watch you don't get splinters from that fence you are sitting on..

purplepeony · 10/05/2010 13:22

OP- you have not murdered anyone- you had sex.
Put it down as a misjudgement. Moment of weakness.

Do not tell your DH. All this Mills and Boon stuff about telling the truth always is so bloody daft. Telling equals hurting- why would you want to hurt someone you love, and want to keep ? Makes no sense at all.

If you tell him, the odds are he might not cope and your marriage will end. If you don't tell him you will feel guilty- but by God not as guilty as if you tell him and watch the horror on his face!

Go for some counselling if you need to get to the bottom of your issues- go alone, you don't need tell him or take him with you.
Above all, get this into perpective. You had sex, not started a nuclear war.

Malificence · 10/05/2010 13:30

"Why would you want to hurt someone you love?" Well don't sleep with someone else then, it's really quite simple

If you truly love someone , you will always tell them the truth, even if that does mean hurting them. I respect my husband precisely because he would never lie to me, I'd much rather be hurt by him being honest than destroyed by him lying.

Anyway, as per usual, the OP has done a runner.

Gracie123 · 10/05/2010 13:40

I'm really surprised so many people want to keep this secret and won't even give her DH the chance to forgive her!

I'm sure if this was a thread 'I just found out my DH has cheated on me after 14 years of marriage and that he has been lying about it' the response would be very different. Not many of you would be saying 'poor DH, think of the guilt he has had to live with. He was only trying to protect your family'.

I've seen lots of marriages that have survived after infidelity (long term too - not just a one night stand!), it can be done if both partners want to save the marriage.

I would be devastated to find out my DH had cheated, but we would work through it. It would be 10 times worse if I found out he had lied about it.

piratecat · 10/05/2010 13:46

Af

alliscalm · 10/05/2010 14:00

What do you expect, you flamed her. I'm a style and beauty lurker in the main, but read these posts sometimes and have noticed there is a coterie of women who say the same thing every time.