Devastated by my actions

[WHYDIDI]

Sat night i had a one night stand.

i cant believe ive done it

ive been with my husband for 14 years and never cheated.

i feel desperatley sad that i just thought about killing myself

ive turned into a woman a frown upon and i feel crap. sat last with my husband and children i just wanted to curl up and die as i could have risked everything

will i ever feel any better

has my relationship with my husband changed forever

please help

i have name changed for this

as much as most of us think we would want to be told and know the truth I bet a fair few people would much rather they did NOT know about a one off situation like this.

Dont tell ever.

Oh, everyone knows for donks. I'm not some big prude.

I shagged plenty of men and have many regrets over many things.

I was even shagging a married bloke when I was 19 and he was 43 and my professor. How naive can you get, complete and total cliche.

That's neither here nor there nor is accusing of someone of wanting to punish, moral high horse, etc.

You have no idea where or with whom all these random strangers have been.

Nor does it matter.

'Do unto others and you would have them do to you.'

Love is respect.

But it's up to you and yours to define what that is and what it means, and it's different for every couple.

So people have shared their opinions, some would rather know, some wouldn't.

I've not slagged off or resorted to name-calling of those who disagreed with my opinion that the OP should tell her husband.

Yet that doesn't seem to be a two-way street.

Okay. Well, that says a lot.

What matters is that the OP knows her husband better than any of us do.

And she needs to decide, with or without real life professional help.

But she asked for opinions. And some said they'd rather know so they could make and informed decision and some said they'd rather not know.

No wonder this place has been with no clear government for 4 days!

FFS! We're like this on here, can you imagine what they're like down in London.

A lie is a lie. You either deal with it or you don't. You either get caught out or you don't.

It matters not one jot what we all think, actually our opinions count for very little, the only person whose opinion matters is the OP's husband - if he would want to be told, she should tell him, that's it really.

I would want to know, even with the certain knowledge that it would end my 25 year marriage, my DH would also want to know, even though he has always said he would forgive me for a "moment of madness" - we both accept and respect each other's views.

So Malificence, let's get this straight. Your husband would forgive you, but you would not him for a "moment of madness". I assume you have child(ren) as you are on mumsnet. Can't you see that throwing away 25 years of marriage for something your husband would forgive you for, disrupting and upsetting your child, no matter what their age, changing their world view for ever, would in the end just harm and hurt everyone?

I'm not advocating or condoning affairs. I've known my husband 30 years and been happily married for 22. I am speaking out for the institution of marriage, and I think there is more to it than the fragile ego of one partner, that sometimes people have to be able to see the bigger picture.

'Are you saying in fact that a one night stand should be the end of a marraige when there are also children involved? Sounds like it.
Are you such a hard person that you cannot tolerate anyone making a mistake?'

Sigh - tries to consider how to make points clearer (whilst polishing halo )

NO - where did I say that a ONS should mean the end of a marriage? Think you are misunderstanding my using the term broken. Would changed be a better word or altered?

Yes people make mistakes, however as has been discussed on previous threads (any discussion invites different points of views)having sex with someone other than your partner when it has not previously been agreed to in the relationship doesn't just 'happen'. I don't agree with deception being ok in a relationship when that deception would affect the other person if they knew the truth. Deception such as arranging a surprise party/holiday - fine.

People do rebuild relationships after ONS and affairs - previous threads have talked about the total honesty required in order to do so.

I would argue that any children in this relationship will already be affected, because the relatonship between mum and dad has been affected.

Just disagee with your POV PP - and also wonder why you seem to come across quite angry? The OP seems to have vanished, although they may be lurking - and she has a range of views here to reflect on and some have suggested that she needs more help with this in RL.Plus in her original post she feels like killing herself - I think her children would prefer two parents alive and separated than the alternative.

I don't agree with deception being ok in a relationship when that deception would affect the other person badly if they knew the truth. Deception such as arranging a surprise party/holiday - fine.

Yes, a one night stand/fling by my DH would end my marriage, because he knows how important it is to me that he stays faithful, nothing to do with my "fragile ego" and everything to do with the fact that it would mean he had chosen to betray me in the full knowledge of what it would mean - it would mean that I would never be able to let him touch me again, he would be the one destroying our family, not me - that's why I'm 100% sure he would never stray.

If a person knows 100% that infidelity is a deal breaker, there is never an excuse and it's a clear sign that they don't care about or respect the marriage.

I do value marriage, I value my self respect even more.

Malificence... no one can be 100% sure about anything, not even a goddess like you

For the OP, I would advise you not to tell him

Well that's strange, seeing as I am 100% sure!

I need a floaty Grecian style toga dress, now that my Goddess status has been made public.

< places hands on hips and pouts whilst straightening halo having been out ranked by Mal>

you can't be M, no one knows what tomorrow may bring....

Well, I would not consider it the end of the world at all if my partner confessed to a one night stand. Honestly, there are other things that he could do that would upset me more. I do understand the hurt etc though but unfortunately I am just too practical.

In the context of a relationship that worked in other respects, I think I would probably prefer him not to confess. A confession would bring up uncomfortable emotions and I would then have to deal with them and feel obliged to make some kind of stand. I know this sounds rather peverse, but I quite like an easy life!

(Not stds though - if he passed on one of those I would bloody kill him, ditto some crazed spruned woman bunny boiler who popped up and started messing up my life.)

I've got enough drama in my life already without dealing with all that kind of emotional fall-out, if that makes sense.

Mal
I admire you for your sureness.
You are probably in the minority that you are so certain - because you have discussed it with your h in such depth.

The rest of us who live and learn are but mere mortals.

A one night stand for me now would be a dealbreaker - because we have now discussed it a length - rather than like before where i assumed it because we both said it in our vows.

There are many subjects still to be explored. I hope to have many more years to live and grow with my h.

OP - although for me i dont think i could lie to my h (because i have in the past had time to really think about this) - i would urge you to think long and hard about this - once you have told him you cannot undo that. If i were you and you wanted your marriage to survive i would make sure i was able to accept whatever your h decided. Make your marriage strong now so that if you do tell him it will seem like such a small thing he will forgive you. It sounds as if you have some work to do on your marriage first though.
Good luck

Mal, does your husband really need these threats over him to stop him straying? I think not. He sounds generous and giving and seems to understand that love sometimes means forgiving. You say you value your self respect, ie self, more than marriage. Says it all to me.

We are talking here about a meaningless one night stand that the OP says would break her husband's heart.

Mal have you never woken up in a drunken haze and been shocked at what you were up to the night before??
I dont mean jumping into bed with someone but maybe not quite being yourself.

I have had a one night stand - a long time before i was married i might add.

I still wonder what i was thinking - if anything.. But seriously anything could have happened - i cant even remember using any protection .
Having experienced that i knew myself a bit better and so it has never happened again.

I think it is better for the op to have experinced this than to spend years wondering if she has missed out on something, and not 'fixing' her marriage.

Her h may actually benifit from this - if she has learned from it.

I don't use threats over him, why would I ?
He has free will and makes his own choices, he believes in total honesty even more than I do.

He's known how I feel from the age of 17 , we don't sit around discussing "what if" scenarios, I trust him 100%, always have, he's had plenty of opportunities to cheat, especially when he was military, but if he had he would never be able to hide it from me, he is completely transparent in his thoughts and actions, I'd only have to look in his eyes to know. He won't / can't lie to me.

I could forgive him virtually anything, except infidelity - I have no idea why it's so important to me, but it is and he knows that - marriage equals fidelity in my eyes.

I don't want to be with someone who is capable of a "meaningless" sexual encounter, thankfully my DH isn't capable of that, under any circumstances.

HW, no, I've never been drunk in my life.
I'm far too self controlled to behave embarrassingly or do out of character things.
Doesn't make me a superior being or anything, it's just how I am, and believe me I've loosened up and mellowed over the years!
The only time I let my wild side out is in the bedroom, with my husband and I don't need drink to help me.

meaningless shag - fine when no relationship to jeopardise.

In a relationship - having a meaningless shag with another person without prior consent of partner - never meaningless - always means something to that relationship.

Wonders how many lives meaningless shags have affected? How many relationships destoyed? How many children's lives affected? How many abortions? How many STIS passed on? Meaningless shags - worth it?

Wow TSC, that's not patronising at all!

It's not something I ever think about, other than when posting on here.

I can see that a meaningless shag is possible for some , just not for me or DH. I wouldn't be with him if he thought otherwise.

A meaningless shag is an oxymoron to me.

My DH has made lots of mistakes and I've managed not to die , infidelity is not a mistake, it's a choice that a person deliberately makes.

This is all so sad. So many people want to lie and deceive their partners. How can you have an open, trusting and honest relationship with someone who is lieing to you every moment of the day and night?

It's not necessarily the cheating that kills a relationship, it's the lieing afterwards.

I'm sure many women would not want to know if their partner had cheated on them once in an alcohol fuelled fog (or some other "reason" why he couldn't avoid sticking his dick into someone) but the rest would want to know. They would want to be able to make their own informed decision about whether to continue in their relationship.

I couldn't continue. But, as I said yesterday, it wasn't particularly the cheating that ended our relationship but the fact that he had no intention of EVER admitting his mistake to me.

He removed my right to choose and every day he lived with me and our son after that was a complete fabrication, deception and lie. He stole two years of my life living a lie and that, for me, is unforgiveable.