Devastated by my actions

[WHYDIDI]

Sat night i had a one night stand.

i cant believe ive done it

ive been with my husband for 14 years and never cheated.

i feel desperatley sad that i just thought about killing myself

ive turned into a woman a frown upon and i feel crap. sat last with my husband and children i just wanted to curl up and die as i could have risked everything

will i ever feel any better

has my relationship with my husband changed forever

please help

i have name changed for this

TSC - but surely it could also depend on the 'potential' to ruin everything?

Pregnancy? STIs - for example passing on genital warts resulting in cervical cancer - resulting death of a mother?

The shagee's family?

How about if the ONS is a prostitute? Would many forgive their partners for a one off with a prostitute?

True moments of madness? We don't have the details here - a choice was made.

I do get the no lies - i actually hate lies.
But i can also see that telling could actually be worse. It certainly wont change the past but it could change the future of many lives. Maybe in years to come the children would have prefered the choice of not knowing the truth.

I have often said that the truth is just a point of view.
in this case the shag was meaningless for the op but a lot of us are assuming it would not be meaningless for her dp.
Therefore what is the truth?? meaningless or not??

Mal you believe you have a wonderful marriage - and that is great i hope you enjoy that. But lets say your h has a very different version in his head - that does not mean your marriage to you is not wonderful. iyswim.

Of course many bad things can happen - of course if the op really had thought through her actions of 'what if' i catch a std, ..... knew i would feel this level of guilt.... and so on she would have not done it in the first place.

There are many things in life we have regrets over.
my h got pulled over for speeding in a built up area - he was stupid - he could have killed someone - a child could have run out - he may not have been caught at all....... He wasnt thinking he made a mistake - but he knew what he was doing surely.

I think we all do things that are wrong - could potentially change lives - sometimes we have to face those consequences but more often we have to learn to not do them again.

If you are still about op - i hope you are taking the time to know what is the right thing to do for you.

sorry to go on but i am on a roll now.

The truth about my marriage will be different depending on your point of view.

My h had an affair, lied to me about it, treated me and the dc terrribly. I also thought it would be a dealbreaker.

Many of you may think my marriage is a sham.
The truth is I am happy - i dont have 100% trust but i have learned to live with that.
My h has done a lot of work to make our marriage work.
At the moment i believe it be a good one - that may change and i may be proved wrong but for now that is the truth from my pov.

I am sure the ow has a very different version to help her get through her life.

All these people getting humphy about those advocating that she doesn't tell her DH, if she definitely wants the marriage to stay together and has learned her lesson -
no one LIKES lies. But in this instance, I think it is the lesser of two evils (if the greater evil would be a marriage possibly breaking up if he left her - I think there are kids involved, aren't there?) As Noam Chomsky said: 'the lesser of two evils isn't just a cliche. It means less evil.'

I'm not a great fan of deceit, in the regular scheme of things. But here is a woman who deeply deeply regrets what she has done and seems to say she will never do such an awful thing again. I think it's a fallacy that confessing will promote healing in this case. The thing is, how can we know? It may, it may not. I think the risk that her DH will leave her if she tells him is too great, and surely it's better that they stay together. Or should she just brand herself with a scarlet 'A' instead?

I agree HW. My h has done some terrible things, but I do still believe that people can change; that relationships can be 'rewritten' and that you can build something different and potentially better in the long run.

I'll never trust him completely, nor will I ever forgive him, let along forget. But I have decided that I want to stay and try and make things work and that is the right thing for me.

Everyone is different; everyone's relationships are different and the right thing for one person is the wrong thing for another.

This is somewhat off-topic I'm afraid but I usually only lurk on here because I'm trying to deal with my relationship break up and work out what I want and how to achieve it.

I have read lots of your advice HappyWoman. Both you and WhenWillIFeelNormal have given me lots to consider and I'm grateful to you both for sharing your knowledge and experiences.

What you have both shown to me is that there can be a good, healthy and honest relationships post-infidelity. I wish I could be a bigger person and forgive my ex (I do love him) and work with him to resolve our problems. But I'm still way too angry for that!

One thing though: I am glad I know about his one night stand. If we do ever manage to have a relationship again at least it will be one with no skeletons in the closet.

All the best, Waspie, I hope you can work out something that you feel happy with (with or without him..) x

iamout I admire your honesty and to an extent the heartache you must have had during and after these extra relationships.

Hope life is better for you now.

iamout - and still living with what you did?
Unable to move forward?

Don't tell him, just except that it was one of those things, perhaps drink was involved, and move on. It would only hurt your husband terribly and change your relationship forever. If you tell your husband imo men are not forgiving, and he may bring this up time and time again in the future. You seem a very decent person, who has just had a lapse of judgement. If you feel you would continually cheat on your husband that's a different matter, but don't ruin your marriage, your children home life for the confession of a one night stand.

I would just be worried that this kind of confession would end up being a stick to beat each other over the head with to the extent that nothing else would matter. For instance, I am thinking of the parents of a friend of mine. The father had a brief fling during the course of a very long marriage and confessed at one stage. His wife never moved on from this and the whole issue became like a stuck record, replaying throughout the course of their marriage.

In truth, I think his wife was a difficult woman and no doubt, at some stage, he sought solace in the arms of someone else (not everyone can managed 60 years of fidelity how ever hard they try!)

Anyway, this confession gave the wife the perfect ammunition to play the wronged spouse and beat him over the head with it for the rest of her life. It also gave her the opportunity to play the victim role, whereas, in all honesty, I think her husband deserved a medal for putting up with her for a whole life time.

Message deleted

I'm not going to tell him. It will achieve nothing in the long run.

I was one of these women who thought they would never do it and have shocked myself.

I will learn to live with the guilt but it has also made me realise how much i love my husband and children and would never do anything again to jeoperdise that.

Thank-you for all your advice

I hope for everyone's sake he never finds out then.

Best of luck.

Made a promise to myself that I wouldn't come on to this thread until the OP came back. Now you have, just a few things to think about...

It would be well worth your while having a few counselling sessions to try to get to the root of why this happened. If it was in your control, there was a reason for it.

If you have decided not to tell your H, watch out for ways in which you perceive him differently. Others in your situation have found that they now view their unknowing partner as a victim and that this has damaged intimacy in a terrible way. Be careful it doesn't turn into contempt (and that contempt might be disguised as grievances about other issues).

A friend of mine realised belatedly (through counselling) tha she had been putting up with all sorts of dreadful behaviour from her H, because she still felt guilty about her undiscovered infidelity. Once that secret came out when they ended up at Relate, this couple were able to move on with much better understanding and love.

Some people have also found that now that the taboo has been broken - and they've never had to face the consequences of their actions, it becomes a "gateway infidelity" and it is easier and less guilt-ridden to do it a second or third time.

What I've learned in my interactions with people in your situation - (and from posters on here too) is that the people living with these secrets are not truly happy in their lives. Secrets do damage intimacy and my concern for people harbouring them is twofold; I don't think it helps the secret-bearer achieve a happy life and the one being deceived has been stripped of their choices in life. I have never known a couple with secrets like this achieve the full potential of their marriage.

Also, contrary to the opinions expressed on here, it is my experience that men are often far more forgiving than women where infidelity is concerned.

So I generally advise a safe space for the person nursing the secret so that they can have someone non-judgemental to discuss all the issues.

Only you know why this happened or what is likely to happen if you do or don't disclose. But I do think you need to talk to someone whose confidentiality is guaranteed (and that really only means a counsellor) so that you can process your emotions and help you to stop any further damage to your marriage.

Good luck.

Oh I wouldn't be amazed at all, TSC, as anyone who knows me on here would know!

Hopefully it is implicit in my post that I'm not saying that everyone will feel these things and it could be our OP is great at compartmentalising. Let's hope so, eh?

It's not about wearing a "cap of shame". It's about making sure that the OP's future behaviour towards her H and her internal view of him - doesn't cause him, her or their union further damage. This is actually about letting it go, in which ever way the OP decides is best.

I want the OP to have the prescience to recognise any of the behaviours or feelings I've alerted her to in my post. So if she finds that her H is less attractive to her, or if she finds herself treating him with contempt, or conversely letting him off the hook for something she'd have previously challenged, she will stop and think "Now why is that happening?" - and take steps to deal with it.

Several years ago I found out that my H had had a drunken one night stand over 10 years previously (no sex, too drunk, but intention there). We spent 6 months trying to deal with it and then 18 months with Relate. Throughout this period he was clear that he wanted to be with me.

Finally, after yet another row when he said I wouldn't let the one-night stand go, I realised it was him that kept bringing it up not me.

Turned out that he came back from it and thought 'If my relationship was fantastic I wouldn't be looking elsewhere. I looked elsewhere, therefore my relationship isn't fantastic'. And by relationship, obviously, he meant me. And from there on he slowly but surely undermined the both the relationship and me.

It's easy to see things with hindsight but once I knew about it I could pinpoint the trip where the one-night stand happened. Given it was over 10 years previously, I have a crap memory, and he did a fair few business trips, I was clearly aware on some subconscious level that something had shifted fundamentally.

The irony is that I don't see infidelity as necessarily a deal breaker (and actually he knew that). Had he told me I'd probably have been very angry to start with but also probably taken the piss mercilessly at his complete failure to actually have sex! I think that he didn't tell me because, had it been the other way round, he wouldn't have forgiven me.

For me, the great betrayal has been the secret which has undermined our relationship and how he sees me. It proved almost impossible for me to get past feeling that most of our relationship was a lie but I would have done it if he?d shown he was truly committed to being with me. Now we have separated and I have found some perspective. Read anything Whenwillifeelnormal has written about how men who have affairs behave ? that?s what my H did but over years and years and without an OW!

I wouldn?t presume to tell you what you should or shouldn?t do, only you know your relationship. The point I am making is even trivial incidents which, in theory, can be compartmentalised, can have completely unexpected and unforeseen consequences.

Oh, and for those who think they know their DHs, mine was absolutely crap at lying (or so I thought!).

Things to consider: do people know what you did? Any chance someone saw you?

I haven't read all but hope you used protection or you must come clean if you didn't.

Otherwise I would not tell him, it will only absolve your guilt and might terminate your marriage.

But if others may have seen you, then you must fess up.

TSC - Those were genuine questions to iamout as I was interested in her need to post - I did not call her names (interesting that you were quick to assume that was what I was thinking - and so far from the truth).

I think my point was 'the relationship' changed because of what happened - SKR has probably put it better than me that small incidents can create big ripples that can go on and on. Iamout, I see that you have withdrawn your post - if my questions upset you I am sorry and if they did then maybe you still need some help/support?

OP - I respect your decision even if I don't agree with it. A forum such as this will always throw up differences of opinion and points to reflect on.