What Would You Do?

[YallaYalla]

Hi,

Looking for a bit of advice please. I am slowly working out that DH has some major issues with passive aggressive behaviour. We've just come back from a week-long holiday and he is no longer talking to me because of a row we had on the last day. He has gone into emotional shutdown and as usual I am paying the price.

In brief: I wanted to do something (buy a souvenir on our last night) which he didn't want to do; I could tell he wasn't keen and offered to leave him in the bar we were having sundowners in while I nipped up to the shop; he didn't take me up on this offer, and also did not say he didn't want to do it when I asked him in a friendly way about it.

So we leave bar and walk to shop buy souvenir, him seemingly in an ok mood. On leaving shop he gets into a major strop because he was very sweaty and hot from the walk (tropics) and within a space of about 5 minutes shuts down totally.

Doesn't want to do anything, goes mute, won't respond to queries of if he's ok, my offers to go and stand in areas where there is AC, queries about which bar he would like to go to next and where we should have dinner on our last night.

Eventually he says he's had enough and wants to go back to the hotel and do nothing/watch TV. It's 8pm, it's the last night of our holiday and we're both dolled up for a good night out.

I'm pretty pissed off, but use my usual tactics for snapping him out of these moods - cuddling him, ignoring his mood, teasing him gently, trying to take charge in a non-confrontational way. It worked for a bit, and then I got a bit exhausted by the whole effort and said, fine, let's go back to the hotel. We are waiting in a taxi queue and I say I'm just popping into this shop to use the loo.

He claims he thought I said 'see you back at the hotel'. I though I'd made it fairly clear I was just nipping to the loo but it's possible he didn't hear me as we were about 10 metres away from each other. Anyway, point is, I return from the loo and he's vanished.

He KNOWS I have no money in my pocket whatsoever (he always carries the cash on nights out on holiday) and no mobile phone which I've left in the hotel safe. So he's dumped me in the middle of a capital city in Asia. Admittedly, it's a safe city, it's not late, I know the way back to the hotel 20 minutes away, and we're in a really touristy area. But it's the principle of just being dumped like that without even money for a taxi. I'm furious. Walk back to hotel room.

Half an hour later he shows up. I am fuming. Not proud of what happens next but I use the security chain to stop him getting access to the hotel room. I tell him he's not coming in as he dumped me in a foreign city with no resources. He asks again to be let in. I say no and slam the door shut.

Eventually, at 2am, he tries the door again. This time I've softened and feel pretty bad for locking him out of the room (even though HE had his wallet and credit cards and finances mean he could easily booked himself another room in the same hotel for the night). I let him in, he walks in in silence and hasn't spoken to me since.

We flew home in silence and he sat separately to me from the plane. Now we are home and he's still in the silent treatment mode, sleeping on the sofa. Total emotional frigging shutdown.

Now. I KNOW I was unreasonable to prevent him access to the hotel room for a few hours. I haven't apologised yet either (he's stonewalling me and I don't see what value it would have at this time). But, as usual, it's me who looks the nutter.

He could not express feelings on us going to the shop. He 'punishes' me for taking us there by shutting down emotionally, and then abandoning me on the last night of our holiday in a foreign city with no bloody money in my pocket. I shut him out of the hotel room but in no way compromised his safety (for all I know he spent the intervening hours in the hotel lobby bar knocking back single malts). And, as usual, I am sitting here tearing my hair out, trying to find a way to get him to open up and being given the silent treatment.

I've spent some time on the internet this morning looking at PA behaviour. I'm sure he doesn't have the PA personality disorder as generally he is a very good, loving, honest man who holds down a very stressful and highly-paid job and - this issue aside - our marriage is strong and we have a good relationship. But I just can't BEAR this passive aggressive shit.

What am I supposed to do?
Any tips for how I can make myself feel better while his mood subsides?
Any tips for how I can snap him out of it?
Should I apologise for locking him out of the room?

Sorry - this is an essay - just feel like I'm going mad here. Thanks if you got this far.

I would say to him calmly ' listen we were both at fault , can we forget about it or do you want to move out?'

I can't ask him to move out. Without giving away too much we are living overseas in accommodation that comes with his job. It would be ME moving out.

And that seems so extreme, doesn't it? I don't see how we'd resolve our differences like that.

I would say you're both at fault, as compo saidm and ask him if he wants to talk and sort it out or not, as you can't carry on not talking to each other. If he doesn't respond, don't make any further attempts. Keep to yourself and take it from there. If it goes on too long, you're in a different situation. If it's always you that has to do the sorting out, are you happy to live with that? Perhaps tell him how you feel about being the one who always has to do the sorting out? Have you got any friends you can spend some time with?

Don't feel bad your both as bad as each other, he shouldn't have left you in the middle of nowhere and you shouldn't have locked him out the room. Obviously you both have your reasons and i don't think i can say who's right and who's wrong.

I don't know if that's going to help but if you tried talking to him and he just ignored you it's definitely his turn to try and make it right.

My husband is very similar if we have a fight he won't shut down but he'll say everything he needs to make me feel like shit and then making everything my fault, it makes me really mad and makes me feel guilty even thou i know he's wrong and he knows he's wrong too.

He finds it very difficult to say sorry, i think because that would make him say that he was wrong.

If you can't take this silent treatment shit any more say you are sorry for locking him out the room but tell him that he has to apologize as well.

If you need to get everything out just write down everything you'd like to say to him and tell him to read it.

But seriously is he 5? This silent crap is pathetic.

I think he is totally at fault.

Leaving you alone to fend for yourself is inexcusable.

Thanks for your responses.

I'm not proud of locking him out of the room, but the fact is this type of behaviour just gets me down. I'm a very emotional, heart-on-sleeve type person. I blow up, scream/shout/cry and then calm down, want to make things better and talk things through rationally. He is the total opposite - never ever raises his voice and just shuts down. I find it horrendously painful and have told him so.

Also, there had already been a previous incident on the holiday where he went all sulky-quiet for a few hours (I think because he didn't like where I suggested going for an afternoon, but this is guesswork as he wouldn't actually TELL me the problem). I worked hard to snap him out of it, and I think when we had this problem a second time I just couldn't face having to do all the hard work again.

I've tried talking to him, tried to cuddle him once but he fought me off very pointedly, and I know this treatment will continue for at least another 48 hours.

And we won't apologise - he almost never does. The way I see it he manipulates the situation where I get so stressed by his behaviour that I snap (he knows exactly what buttons to push) and then, hey, I'm the baddie nutter deranged hormonal wife.

His mother is like this. I have told him before I have problems with this behaviour and he says 'that's my mother's influence' etc. So it obviously stems from childhood.

Question is - do I need to get him to address the problem? How?

I have no friends to spend time with here, which makes it worse. I feel very alone.

agree with condensed. He sounds like a childish bully.

I agree that he's a childish bully

But how can I tackle this?

He is leaving for business trip tomorrow and then going away again (for work) at the weekend, so I could be alone and sidelined for days and I just can't face it.

show him you are not bothered by this actions. Tell him that you hope he is in a better mood when he returns and don't contact him while he is away. It will be tough but he wants you to feel bad.

Just do what you want, stop worrying and go out do something for yourself. Get dressed do your make up feel good about yourself. If he won't talk to you and act like this why should you let him make you feel unhappy.

Wait for him to make the first move on making things right for once. Cos i bet deep down he's probably struggling more then you are.

MostActive is right don't let him manipulate you.

That's how I generally try to cope when he's like this. Keep talking to him as normal 'do you want a cuppa?' etc etc and then eventually he usually emerges after a couple of days of sulking.

The thing is last time he had a major strop we had a long chat about how painful I find the silent treatment. He admitted he shouldn't do it, how it's a behaviour learnt and copied from his mother etc, but here we are - a row over nothing, really, and I am going to be punished for days.

If I was in the UK, doing my usual job, able to see friends it wouldn't be such a problem. But I'm very isolated here - I work from home and often don't see anyone but him all day, and have no friends locally. So he KNOWS how much this will be hurting me and that my usual coping mechanisms aren't available. And still he persists.

I know he loves me, but why does he do this?

You are NOT both equally at fault. You were pushed into behaving "as" badly -- which is a tactic to let him off the hook. He would have pushed and pushed with sulking, little acts of spite, until you did something "unreasonable". and then you're in the position of apologising. Which just masks the unpleasantness that put you there.

It's not good. You could try pointing out to him that the ONLY way to deal with his way of resolving difficulties is for YOU TO STOP CARING, at all. Does he want that? It's where this all heads. What a hideous place.

I know this sounds over the top - but I've been there. I would strongly suggest counselling, seriously. It seems like such a minor series of incidents, but it isn't. It's manipulative, controlling, and it means you run around, trying to deal with something amorphous, and all the power and control is on his side.

I think what I find so insidiously nasty about this sort of behaviour is that the tool he is using is the fact that you care about him, and what he is using it on is your happiness.

That is just ick. And just horrible psychological game-playing.

It seems small, but actually it's really grim. and it makes it very hard to deal with unless you just withdraw all love and affection, because only then can it not be used against you. And that is no relationship.

could you maybe fly home for a few days and see your friends and family while he is on his trip?

You need to speak to him, if he cant or wont change his behaviour then you have 2 choices, either put up with it and carry on or leave.

Sounds simple, but I know it isnt.

Well that's how I feel animula.

(Thanks to everyone for your posts by the way, it's so good to be able to talk about this.)

It's psychological game-playing. HE acts like an arse for a few minutes and I pay the price for days on end.

I also, as you say, don't want to withdraw love and affection because I love him and want to make up. So I keep looking for a way in, like some sort of mug. I also don't want to reduce myself to his level, iyswim. We can't both behave like toddlers.

To make matters worse, we are thinking about TTC (both getting on a bit in age!) and I worry about how this sort of behaviour would play out over time.

Also - control. He has a lot of it (i.e. I have moved countries 3 times to follow his job, we live in a place his work has sent him to). I have given up a lot to be with him (although, this issue aside, he is a wonderful, generous and good man). But this is just another way of him exerting control, isn't it? And I think kids would not be a great extra dynamic in this scenario.

Do you think the fact that his mother is like this is relevant? He admits he suffered the same treatment from her.

Actually, next week I am going to see my best friend for a few days. This was set up a couple of weeks ago. It will be a good break.

He encouraged me to go (and is paying for my ticket) - another example of how usually he is a very good and generous man.

Which is why this passive aggressive stuff just knocks me for six.

Oh dear. I would really suggest couples counselling before having dc with him, you know.

I, personally, think that if he doesn't stop this before having dc, he will get far, far worse after dc.

And you are spot on - this is the behaviour of a child - and linked to a whole load of other stuff - which will just intensify with children. Not least because then he will be called on to act like an adult - which he is going to find really, really difficult.

I agree with Animula, grim is the right word for his behaviour.

It's really up to you whether you are prepared to do this for the rest of your life...

I think the timing of your holiday is a good thing.
Don't try to jolly him up before you go.

You are not the court jester - let him chase you for a change.

This is in WWYD...so what what would I do?

Well, I couldn't live with someone like this..I just couldn't. So we'd have to split up.

I would say, "I'm sorry about what happened...can we now move on please, or shall we separate?"

It would only be untill the next time he has a strop, though, wouldn't it...so you'd have to make quite clear his behaviour just isn't on.

Hhmm. Some of the responses are quite difficult to hear. It's hard because - honestly - this issue aside, we have a loving and very close relationship. But I accept that this needs to be tackled.

So, I guess the plan is this. When he gets back from work tonight I will try to talk to him calmly, and apologise for my role in the argument. I will ask him to please stop the silent treatment as it's hurting me.

And then....wait for his reaction. Often I think he needs an 'excuse' to come out of his sulk, i.e. I need to offer him a window to climb down without losing face. I will offer this tonight, but experience tells me he's got another couple of days of the martyrdom act to get through yet.

If he doesn't accept it, then, once he has snapped out of this mood, I will suggest that we need to address this issue using counselling. Don't think he will be thrilled by that suggestion.

I know that his previous partner suggested couples counselling to him to tackle with some problems they were having- I don't know for what issue - but that he refused and eventually they separated. Perhaps it was the same issue?

Funny thing is, my Dad is exactly like this. The sulks/withdrawal/silent treatment. I watched my mother endure it (although he and my mum are still fairly happily married this issue aside). And now I've married a man with the same problem! Gah.

I do not want to put up with this for the rest of my life. I also agree that kids and this kind of behaviour...don't go well together.

Feel very sad about it all.

Have you talked to his mum about it? She may have some tips on who to handle him...although you seem to be doing a great job by yourself.

Yalla I think you try too hard - the jollying him up etc makes it easy for him to behave the way that he does.

He is a bully and a childish one at that. As Animula has said I think couples counselling is the way forward - if he is willing to do this then that demonstrates his commitment to you and your relationship and recognises that he knows that his behaviour is unreasonable. If he won't go or acknowledge that his behaviour is unreasonable then I guess you have to decide if you can / want to sustain a relationship like this - which, as others have said, will only get worse with children for a myriad of reasons.

I do sympathise - DH can be a real sulky child but I have learnt to do my own thing whereas before I would have tried to make him happy at the expense of my own happiness.

Thanks guys.

I don't always try to cheer him up. I use different tactics depending on a) how much of a grump he's in and b) how much I want not to have the night/day ruined by his mood!

Sometimes I just ignore his moods but remain happy and don't acknowledge the sulk, this can work pretty well and he comes round in a bit and sort-of apologises. Other times I try to jolly him up when I sense he just wants/needs some affection (but doesn't know how to show it).

But sometimes I just feel so bloody exhausted by having to second guess his mood and how to snap him out of it. 99% of these moods are caused by me not being able to mind-read - i.e. not knowing or anticipating why he might get annoyed, or not reading his non-verbal signals. But what should I have to play guessing games all the time? We're all born with a mouth to express desires/feelings. He needs to use it.

We don't have this problem often. Maybe every 3/4 months or so and then fine for weeks. But nearly always caused by me doing something to inadvertently piss him off or wind him up.

Lynette - can't talk to his mum as we're not really that close, and also she lives in another country altogether and is hard to reach by phone. The silent treatment/passive aggressive thing is acknowledged by all in DH's family as a bit of an issue though.

I have a sneaky feeling that kids would not help in this scenario - can anyone spell out why/how?

I dont agree it passive agressive behaviour, sounds like its emotional abuse, it doesnt have to be shouting and screaming.It also sounds like he gaslights you, claiming you said things you didnt say.

It isnt your job to coax him out of these ridiculous sulks or gently coax him , if you go on the parenting threads youll see posts from exasperated parents about this sort of behaviour. Really, its ridiculous and something i presume he doesnt do to his boss or other adults. Therefore its bullying controlling behaviour. The fact he whinges re his mother but then continues to do it is simply an excuse.

Your asking for tips on how to make yourself feel better until his mood subsides. This really isnt about his moods is it, its about him deliberateley behaving in such a way to affect YOUR mood , thats the aim of this behaviour and it works well.

You state repeatedly that hes a good honest man, he loves you ect. Id question just how much someone loved me if they chose to indulge in behaviour that they KNEW hurt me.

Id seriously put off ttc , youve already got one baby by the sounds of it. Why did he have all the money on holiday ? Do you have equal access to money in general, do you both have an equal say in finances ?