Asked him to go,he did;how do I stay strong now?

[pinemartina]

Posted my story on NPD thread.
On off 3 yr relationship with controlling emotionally and verbally abusive xp ,who came back on white charger in time for baby's birth and has been lovely until yesterday,when he resumed nastiness.Culminating in a visit by midwife during which he told her wild,untrue and mad stuff about me,suggesting I am mentally ill and unfit to care for dc's - eg that I run naked into the road at night and scream at cars to hit me,while he looks after the kids and rescues me.Told her I am lucky to have him and that no one else would ever put up with what he does - said I invite men back to sleep with me every time he is away! Lots more similar stuff.She was horrified and really concerned - for ME..said she had noticed how controlling he is.
When she left,I told him I could not believe the things he had said about me (and to me,this am)and that it had killed our relationship.
He got up and told dc's(in next room) that Mummy had asked him to go and that this time he wd only be back to see baby when they are away at their dads,so wd not see them again.
He asked me to make sure I got a "third party" organised for contact visits to protect him from allegations.
Then he went.
No stuff of his left.
My house.
At home now with 4dc's and 10 day old baby.
Sore after ECS and can't walk much or drive for 5 wks more.Breastfeeding constantly.Weepy.DC'S upset.Feel devastated and needy.now I've done right thing.Scared I'll let him back.Scared of doing this alone.
Really lonely.Have spoken to womens aid.They said I shd contact my local branch in the morning.I will.

PM where in the south west are you? Can you say? Roughly? I am in devon..

Wales! Near Swansea. Am usually mobile..

PM - Was lovely to meet you and your beatuiful baby today. Hope you're ok x

Thank you D - Likewise!!! Look forward to meeting up again soon xx

DD 2 just answered the landline and it was xp.

(- we need a plan for this -)

She passed me the phone.

He asks can he come over to see baby.

No,I say - solicitor ,third party etc

I have no money,he says,please dont make this a legal battle and goes on at length about how he is having to take on decorating jobs to make cash ---awful self pitying bollocks...

I cut in and say well I'm busy raising 5 dc's without support,life's tough....

I don't see why we cant work out contact at your house he says

I say - as advised by L Bancroft and P Evans-
that I am not up to it right now,it is my problem but I will not be able to handle myself in that situation,you know how emotional I get....

You are so controlling - he says - you are using my daughter to control me,you want it all your way,I wont be controlled by you.I wont have 3rd party contact on your terms.I'm not seeing her until it's on my terms.

Hangs up.

Here we go,then.The lines are being drawn.

Mad bastard just sent a tx thanking me for nice chat and is glad we are doing the right thing by getting legal advice,looks forward to letter soon and.....love to me and dc's,he is always here for us,anything we want/need just ask,missing us all ,wishes cd turn back clock.

Am I allowed to use the c word on MN, because he is a stupid one.

(not replying to tx of course?)

Continue to stay strong and focus on your family PM. One day at a time. One day or hour at a time. You will come through this so much stronger and better. It will take time and you will have steps back. But you know that you can never share your life with this man again.

Once you fully grasp that he is just fucking with your mind and emotions, it will get easier and easier to rise above it - let it wash over you.

My exH texted me some vicious abuse last november (last time I had contact with him) and I swear, hand on heart, it was amusing and not frightening and it didn't make me feel anything other than relief that he was still a mad dangerous bastard.

Youi are doing brilliantly well. And as i have said before i think, I am that you have five gorgeous children - your little baby girl is a stunner btw - as I would really loved to have had lots more children.

I am 46 now and I am finding that age has helped with these sorts of crises. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger - I understand that fully now.

Your exp is his own problem now. He will have his own demons to live with forever and his life will always be a sad fuck-up. You show such insight and understandikng into how he operates which proves that you will thrive and flourish once he is out of your system and you have moved on in your heart, mind and life.

his texts are classi: his abuse isn't really working anymore ande has lost his hold on you... And so of course his verbal and emotional punches swing ever more wildly. He is just flailing around revealing himself to be the ridiculous childish nasty abusive loser he is.

Keep going. x

UA Thank you for your lovely post.

Your words are so helpful and do really strengthen my determination to keep going, and my growing realisation that I must keep him out of my life.

Little bits of hope that remain about "us" are flaking and peeling away every day.This "flailing around" stuff is actually pretty helpful to me as it is far easier to see it as crazy when it swings so fast.

I think it is also easier to recognise when I am at home with the children all day,dealing with new baby stuff plus dc's who are very upset by his absence and my continued insistence that he cannot return in any capacity.

As you,and many others,have said before,it hasn't taken many weeks away for the scales to start dropping from my eyes.Without any of the "nice bits" ,I am beginning to wonder what on earth was going on.

He does seem to be revealing himself - like a mask coming off. It seems incredible and sad -really sad.And at this moment I see clearly that what I am mourning is an ideal that never really existed.It is easier to lose when seen like that,somehow...maybe because it removes the possibility of having it back...

I am very sure that I will not have him back ,now.Not having come this far.I can see how terrible that would be for the dc's - and me.

In a way,I sort of need my "fix" now - of continued evidence of what a
spectacular failure he is. I mean ,if he were to be doing some serious laying on of Mr Wonderful ,it wouldn't have been too hard to persuade me to give it another go,or at least to have convinced others to encourage me - for the baby' sake.

So he's making it easier for me.

It reminds me of when I was 16 and my parents went on holiday with my brothers,leaving me at home,for the 3rd or 4th summer running - they would tell me - still do - that I didn't want to come...but I did,and felt very sad and excluded..
anyway,that year,I suddenly "knew" I had to move out,and spent the next 6 months gathering towels,crockery etc and building a box of stuff in my room,whilst saving up a deposit.
The following spring,I moved into a bedsit in the next town,dropped out of school and applied to do psychiatric nurse training 40 miles away the following autumn.
I kept waiting,hoping,that my parents would ask me to stay,realise why I was going.But they never did,and as soon as I moved out I began to see my mothers behaviour in a completely different way...
the scales fell away...it gave me loads of strength and resolve to move on and live life MY way....

I am getting that resolve,that "move on for survival" feeling again now.I know I will reach a point where I am done with hope and fantasy,just as I was with my family all those years ago.Then I'll be "over" the worst bit.

I so admire you UA ,to be in such a strong place now that you can laugh at a tx. After what your xh did to you,and what you are still fighting against.

I am lucky to have the dc's.It was what I always wanted - even if not quite in this way

Thank youx

From your passing references to your parents, pinemartina, they seem so spectacularly awful that if you needed any other reasons to keep XP out of your life, the fact that they were pressing you to let him back in is a really strong argument against you ever doing so. They seem to want only what's worst for you. In this instance they want you to continue to be dominated and mistreated by someone like them. There is something seriously wrong with parents who have that attitude to their own children, and it is a huge tribute to you that you have grown up a decent, kindly human being and loving parent despite them.

"thanking me for nice chat " - yes that is a good one - for them any communication is pleasure even if it has been an argument!

my exP is/was the same. to me and others - left my elderly aunt in tears after berating her for something she had done for me which in his view was "wrong" -- then sent her a card thanking her for the "lovely chat".

stay strong - he sees dd on your terms. if he cannot acknowledge why then it truly his problem....all he has to do is go along with third party etc and prove himself over time...

Thanks Annie and clvl

Just had reassuring and empowering discussion with solicitor. Will be sending x a letter tomorrow outline proposed contact arrangements at contact centre for 1 hr twice weekly.

Outlined reasons why in very mild,oblique terms so he has no opportunity to see it as inflammatory at this point.

He will have a choice then.

Toe line,or I get heavy and start calling in my evidence.

I can feel the return of my "hard cow" persona.

Which is good..

But a bit sad too.

Don't know why it seems to be fight or surrender completely with me though - after all this time. I mean,I do know why,but dont know why I still act it out...

Is it some kind on S&M power thing?
That's not my thing,sexually,btw (sorry if tmi)
Just wondered about that whole dynamic of domination and submission......

I don't mean to be offensive to anyone who is into consensual,mutually agreed S&M

But I know I couldn't have a satisfactory relationship with a man who was too ....soft...?

Choosing words carefully as opening minefield,maybe it belongs on a different thread...?

Just throwing this idea into the mix.

I am aware that I am lookinG to be saved, I guess from my parents who didn't love me and demonised me. I inevitably choose men who need "saving" too as they have that subconscious link with me. IE they come from abusive families too.

I don't mind saving them...I would love nothing more to wrap h up in a big quilt and make ot better for him. Always did. I need that for me though too.

Heading towards your ideas there PM?

Can I throw my idea in, too?
I've dedicated huge chunks of my life to rescuing people & things: renovating neglected properties; saving street children in poor countries; making new clothes out of old ones; adopting unloved pets; preferring troubled friends & partners.
What I really need is to rescue myself.

Not sure tihif
Definitely with you on the making it all better for him part - really got caught up in that one with xp.....despite what I "know" as a MH professional....
Not so sure about wanting saving ,now,although I used to...
thought I was over that before I met xp...

he was more about being on equal terms with a mean hard alpha male who was only like that as a front,because of what he'd suffered, and could only "be real/drop his guard" with me - because I "knew",having suffered the same....

Now,I understand that he probably "hooked me" by mirroring that for me, (that is still hard to accept,though..)

but I am wondering if it is unhealthy - part of my "victim" stuff - that I find that strong,protector,warrior stuff so attractive...
and that a part of that appeal,for me,lies in the recognition that that person could (really uncomfortable with this) put me in my place--even - and preferably-if they chose not to....

and also that if they decided to,I would give them a good run for their money......

But but but (hate this part ) would ultimately consent to submit..so that he would also have to know that I could hit back if I wanted to but chose not to.....
????????????????//

Now,that sounds like it could be a contract in a dungeon role play ????
I know that I encounter problems in work relationships when I am perceived as too strong and too much like a man intellectually and behaviourally - which may well say more about my working environment/culture than me...

But I have also often been perceived as hard,a fighter and intimidating in my capacity to cope and not crumble

I would not - I think - be a match for a partner who -(not good) couldn't stand up to me------ does that make me a potential aggressor/dominator who wants to be put in my place?

Or am I getting carried away

I think perhaps you are getting carried away tbh. Self analysis is good, but you're worrying too much about what it might mean. Way I'd look at it is, if you are a strong personality yourself you naturally want a partner who you can respect, someone strong who you can lean on, someone who can take decisions out of your hands when you're in doubt - whose judgement you trust more than your own. Someone whose arms you can melt into, like Clark Gable in the movies! Unfortunately the other side of this coin, the strength, the taking charge, is bullying. You don't want to be bullied, that's a step too far; you do want a partner who is strong enough to do that, but nice enough not to, that's not really so weird I think. Especially when you had a strong but not nice role model when growing up - screws with your radar. Alas, most recent XP is mentally unstable, so he managed to look like The One for a while but he really isn't. If he were genuinely strong he wouldn't lose it the way he does. He is in fact weaker than an apparently nice soppy man who doesn't need to keep proving he is All Man.

Make any sense, or am I too slightly barkin'?

Phew !!!

That sounds like a sensible and grounded version of what I meant !!!

Thanks Annie,I've read that through lots,very reassuring!

Grace I do that, too,but I'm proud of it and think it's ok - well the recycling ,renovating part - I do the people bit through my job...or should confine it there,obviously....

My dc's have taken on the whole renovation,re-making thing and I'm really proud of the values that they are developing that go with it...

The thing that they,and I find ,though,is that we are a bit unusual and that it's not so easy to find kindred spirits at school -or anywhere....(that's about the values not renovation..)

Annie speaks a lot of sense there. After such a horrible tiem with my father I found myself unconsciously needing someone who coudl protect me, DH does that but when he loses his temper (as anyone does) he has a tendency to thump walls which I hate, so he tries not to do it. It's a fine line between being a protector and a bully but I think lots of men can do it, espeically if they know what your limits are.
Gosh, that doesn't make a huge amount of sense but I hope you see what I mean!

Re the values I think that's another welsh village thing tbh, I feel the same here sometimes as DH adn I are so far away from teh environment we grew up in, which is why a lot of our friendships are long distance via emails, phone calls etc.

As an aside, everyone has commented on DD2's hair today, makes me think how bad it was before! Was lovely to meet you and can't wait to meet your other gorgeous kids too, x