Asked him to go,he did;how do I stay strong now?

[pinemartina]

Posted my story on NPD thread.
On off 3 yr relationship with controlling emotionally and verbally abusive xp ,who came back on white charger in time for baby's birth and has been lovely until yesterday,when he resumed nastiness.Culminating in a visit by midwife during which he told her wild,untrue and mad stuff about me,suggesting I am mentally ill and unfit to care for dc's - eg that I run naked into the road at night and scream at cars to hit me,while he looks after the kids and rescues me.Told her I am lucky to have him and that no one else would ever put up with what he does - said I invite men back to sleep with me every time he is away! Lots more similar stuff.She was horrified and really concerned - for ME..said she had noticed how controlling he is.
When she left,I told him I could not believe the things he had said about me (and to me,this am)and that it had killed our relationship.
He got up and told dc's(in next room) that Mummy had asked him to go and that this time he wd only be back to see baby when they are away at their dads,so wd not see them again.
He asked me to make sure I got a "third party" organised for contact visits to protect him from allegations.
Then he went.
No stuff of his left.
My house.
At home now with 4dc's and 10 day old baby.
Sore after ECS and can't walk much or drive for 5 wks more.Breastfeeding constantly.Weepy.DC'S upset.Feel devastated and needy.now I've done right thing.Scared I'll let him back.Scared of doing this alone.
Really lonely.Have spoken to womens aid.They said I shd contact my local branch in the morning.I will.

PM - cant say anything that hasn't been said, just think you are very brave and if you give me his email I will send this to him.
(Contains flashing images)

Oh dear, you poor love. Have an unMNly ((hug)) for yourself.

Do remember your hormones are still all over the place, which isn't helping at all - but crying it out is a good thing because you release the pain he has caused and is still causing you.

Save his text message - it's a bit creepy in my book - as part of your logging of any contact he has with you.

Just concentrate on your baby and enjoy the time you have together on your own - you can really focus on the little one. Ignore the sperm donor, it's YOUR baby now.

Lol, MmeO

PineMartina, I think we grieve more for the relationship we wished we had - and tried so hard to believe in. It took me a very, very long time to grasp that my ex had used my wishes (fantasy, even) as a jemmy to prise my common sense, spirit & independence away from me. The one thing I kept trying to give him - my love - wasn't what he wanted, except in so far as it gave him more power. That kind of betrayal is devastating.

Feel your pain, whenever you have the strength & safety to feel it. And be aware you're crying for the love that you gave & was misused; for all those times of uncertainty when you deserved security, and for the fantasy he dangled in front of you, but never would make real.

That text is a load of pompous bollocks. Well done for spotting it (see, you're not that dumb )

Thank s Grace,

I've just had another :
"yOU are tarnishing the child's purity with your unfounded ill-feeling towards her father.I consider her a miracle and a blessing that honours the love I once had for you.
She will know that I am her protector from you .
Please put her needs above your own for once.
I refer you to the children's act and ask that you put your acrimony aside as I did long ago while I tried to help you.
She has heard enough of your abuse toward me and must be shielded from your influence .
I am the one assigned to protect her from you and her guardian angels are with me"

I am worried.He sounds bonkers but is in control as ever.
I wont let him near her.
I have txted him to keep away or I will call the police.
WA are not open until Monday locally.
I think he is going to try to make out I am unfit to have her.
What can he do?
What should I do for the best?

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.
And log it as well.
And call the police anyway to say you are being harassed and on your own and fearful that he might try to come over and take the baby away.

He can't take the baby from you - your MW has seen the abuse, you know that she has logged it, he will never get custody of the baby.

Stop contacting him back now.

OMG! I haven't read the whole thread, but the last line is really scary. I would call the on duty social worker and discuss. There is always someone on duty.

MmeO LOL.Luckily he is illiterate where computers are concerned and has a 16yr old neighbour to do his ebay site for him....
What a catch he was...ffs

Ignore him, as Thumbwitch says.

Call WA, the national helpline, they are SO wonderful. They put my head back on for me again today. I was almost hysterical when I rang, and was as calm as a calm thing at the end of the call.

He really is delusional it seems. Does he hear voices in his head as well?

Don't think he hears voices but has a diagnosis of ptsd due to childhood abuse and is supported by MH team,although only psychotherapy now - long history though.

I phoned police and logged details.
Of course mentioning MH Issues pushes all their buttons which I feel bad about because this is bad behaviour not psychosis ,I have been MH professional 25 yrs, don't like to be taking advantage of their prejudice.
Or is that me protecting him?

I still have a feeling inside that I'm "betraying " him and closing doors and I know that is mad and irrational of me.I have crazy images of him alone and harrassed by police - wtf is that all about - I can also "hear " him ringing round everyone he can think of to tell them how abusive and crazy I am.
Head spinning
Baby will have wine in her breast milk I think....don't worry it's only Lambrusco.I wont drink the bottle..

Can't believe it.Police officer just phoned me back - they can't get involved as he has MH problems !!! It would be possible to arrest him if he committed a violent offence - physical he meant - but other than that, I would need to inform his MH worker !!!!They can not go and speak to him without checking it out with his MH team.
Advised me to ignore txts and change mob number asap and get a solicitor onto it on Mon.

At least you have logged it, well done. It is there if anything further were to happen, fingers crossed it won't.

Good advice from the PO.

Don't worry about wine in BM, my poor DS had a little most nights and he is fine.

And please please stop thinking about you "betraying" him - of course you're not! He is the one who has betrayed you and the family and your DD by being a class one ARSE! You are not mad though - you have just been conditioned to think that you are the lowest priority. Stop that thinking now - you and your DC are your highest priority, your X is some bloke with issues that are HIS to deal with.

God he sounds so much like my ex. He is trying to get a reaction, trying to hoik you in. It's how he gets his drama - it's like lifeblood to him. The only thing that you can do is ignore. Keep all his texts logged, with time received and your response.

Remember that it is bollocks - because unlike you and I he feels no constraint to limit his accusations to what is true or fair. He is using words as weapons, choosing them solely on his belief they will weaken your resolve. They are nothing to do with you, with your inner self. And so therefore they can't hurt you. Keep telling yourself that.

He will alternate in the next few weeks between attempting to woo you, self-pity, accusations and back again. You have to visualise where you want to be in the next few months. If it is with those of us who have escaped, in the sunshine, then do what you have to do to stay away. Take advice about what contact measures are needed between him and your daughter - perhaps social services can arrange a meeting at a contact centre?

PM, your ex p tried so very hard to label you as the mad, irrational and out of control mother to your MW and it didn't work, did it?
Now he has been left feeling slightly powerless so he is sitting in his caravan, alone, conjuring up texts that he can send to you; hormonal, also alone, and in post birth come down.
He is trying to 'up' the ante. He is looking to make a crisis out of a drama because he needs to feed off of this right now. Your new baby has taken the spotlight in your life and he is desperately trying to get back in there as the centre of the drama.
What is the one thing that will get your attention? The suggestion that you are incapable of looking after your newly born baby.
He is clever. And devious. And mentally insane....

Hi PM, just another person here saying ignore, do not reply to the texts.

It's just awful when someone shows you little glimpses of what it's like to be loved, especially when you didn't have that as a child so there's a big part of you crying out for it, as much as you've fought to be feisty and independent in your life.

Be proud that you've stood up against it now because there are some women who don't and their children become victims too. Everytime you feel the pain of missing hugs and care, just think what it would do to your DCs to have to grow up around this damaged man, that should inspire you to stay away.

The texts must be ignored because otherwise he will reel you in and play on your self-doubt and need to be loved.

Look love, he's nuts and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. And you CAN'T FIX IT.
Getting out of a bad relationship is very very similar to getting off heroin or crack cocaine, this is something that's very bad for you and you know that, but there is a lot of sadness in letting go and walking away even though it is the right thing to do.
You are very smart and very brave. You have survived and you are going to go on surviving for yourself and your DC.
And you are NOT ALONE. There is help out there, lots of it, whether it's WA or MN, the police or the Samaritans, you matter and when you ask for help it will be there.

and..maybe your feeling of betraying him is cos you are somehow identifying with the abused child in him?

This line of his "She has heard enough of your abuse toward me and must be shielded from your influence .
I am the one assigned to protect her from you and her guardian angels are with me" sounds like some weird sort of projection of how he wishes he had been protected as a child.

...but all this does not matter, it really sounds like it is too late for him, if he is so deluded that he can spout all that crap to the MW infront of you, he is unlikely to ever be cured and it is not your role to cure him. Sadly you will have to stay away and try to fight your feelings of pity for him which you will probably experience despite all the bad things he does/will do.

When do you start the freedom programme? The people that run them are invaluable for support too. They are kind of a hub for all the other agencies that may be involved.

I too am trying and failing to ignore the nonsense. It is like an addiction. It reminds me of giving up smoking. The feelings are kind of the same.

I had a good week last week and yesterday I was made to pay the price. But tomorrow morning I WILL be in touch with all my support people. Make sure you do too PM? We'll come back and swap notes?

How lovely to read everyone's consistent and kind support.
LTJ - that has been the pattern in the past,but I have previously waited for and clung to the loving messages,ignoring or forgetting the self pitying and crap one's.I want to be in the sunshine.
Not sure what I need to visualise...never had it,don't know what it might be like with me in it although can do it for dc's childhood,with me as mummy -me in their eye's -being evrything my mother was not and isn't

ES - crying out for bits of love is right.I've forgiven and forgotten loads of nasty shouting and words - sometime sin full flow-just because he's held out his arms for a cuddle..(omg like my father)
And identifying with the abused child in him is also spot on.I felt bonded to him through shared disclosure - and the abuse >control >abuse stuff suggested by Grace.
I do pity that hurt little boy.Projection yes and an unhealthy transference/counter transference that shouldn't be part of a partnership..
SGB ,TW and G - I find it so much more powerful to read posts on MN than the books I am constantly re-reading.I have 3 Patricia Evans constantly on the go at every breastfeed,but yr posts really hit home.
The comparison to addiction and coming off hard stuff is interesting and makes good sense.I have used different substances and toxic behaviours a fair bit in the past,sometimes quite heavily over long periods,and always felt glad that I didn't ever seem to have trouble switching or stopping - concluded I wasn't "addictive" by genetic luck.I have and am hooked into this fake relationship in a powerful,compelling and very unhealthy way.
SADDEST - Programme starts Thursday.So sorry you're still getting the nonsense.Yes,let's swap notes xx

I pity my h. I see that lost little boy in him. He is lost. I want to look after him....wrap him up in something warm. The same as I want from someone and have never had.

We have abusive families in common. He does not accept that. Yetseday in the midle of all the nonsense of me being a terrible mother and unable to cope on my own....I managed to say wto him what I've learnt.

I told him that I have heard the way his brothers and father speak to him and how it has made him feel. And that's without having been allowed to go to his family home and see them on their own turf. I suggested forcefully yesterday that I suspected that he didn't want me to see the truth of his reality.

I suggested that there may be much more than he was acknowledging in his childhood.

dd understands defining behaviour now.....she is picking him up on it already, telling him that he cannot possibly know how she feels....only she can. She's a star.

Sorry for hijacking, PM.

Feel free Saddest,it's all so helpful - to both of us and hopefully others reading.
My xp's abuse by M&P was incomprehensible ,he has no contact with them.I felt such admiration that he had survived and had been a successful professional before the ptsd got too much after an accident.

He has been working through it for years and has tremendous insight into lots of his stuff.

That has been the biggest hook for me,I think.My belief that change is possible - he has always maintained that he is committed to changing and moving forward.He has begged me not to give up on him when he is "nearly there".And just what you say - wanting to give him something I have never had and hoping I would get it by return.

I believe he "knows" what he is choosing.He is hung up about his age and the wasted years.He is sabotaging his own happiness and peace,his relationship with his daughter,because he can't face the giant leap into Reality II.He has peeped in and even sat there with me for a few weeks at a time,but it is ultimately too much for him to stay with it - too painful,as I believe it suggests what he could have had for so much longer,if only..I think he is honouring his younger self - the years of anger and unhappy relationships with his dc's and xw by remaining true to being an angry fuck-up.
He enjoys the bad boy nasty side too much to give it up and be the kind of peaceful,gentle,content person he says he despises.
He has made a clear choice and he knows it.
I did used to think I could help him to free himself if I loved him enough and held on tight.I thought the end result would be worth the crap.
But he despises me for loving him.Because I guess he believes himself too old and damaged.
Self fulfilling prophecy then.

I have to give up on him and focus on dc's and me.

I know he chose.But it's hard not to feel I failed.

pm, I can't add to the wondeful advice and empathy on here.

Just want to say once again that your strength shines through...and you will eventually find the sun and the warmth.

You are making a painful choice but it is the right one.

< to be the kind of peaceful, gentle, content person he says he despises >

PM, that's so close to being about me! I think I wrote on another thread that I used to despise contentment ... now I have it, I wish I'd wised up sooner! Peace & gentleness, too: I sometimes see my mum/bro/sis looking at me as if I were a door into another country, realising I've just expressed something kindly, which the family ethic knows only to mimic.

You can have this. You can't make someone else give up their tainted, twisted 'life spectacles' (lord knows, you've tried.) But you can give theirs back for good, step out into the sunshine and feel the warm breeze on your own face

Thanks MotN.
GRACE - that brought tears to my eyes.

We had a week in London ,then a fortnight in Turkey last August,all of us.WE had only got back together a week before,having been apart for 5 months with barely any contact - initiated by me,and maintained despite his chasing me.I fully intended to have no further contact.He got me back by starting schema therapy and having an almost "born again" new attitude to everything.I was convinced ,and delighted.
He spent those 3 weeks as a gentle happy and sweet man who was moved to tears almost daily by watching my dc's,looking at nature,holding my hand etc.He would describe feeling as if he had been " taken up to heaven and given another chance ,being put down again to enjoy peace and joy" He told many people about this.We had some really spiritual discussions.He bought me a ring - eternity - and we talked about having a baby.
I was convinced by this.It had a totally different flavour to any other "good" episode before.
He used to cry and say he never wanted to "get the demon back again".And would rather die than return to anger.
It ended when I freaked out back home on receiving the letter from work which started all the crap I still have to sort out( - may lead to loss of job,income etc)
I flipped into bitch mode and stomped about stressing and shouting and took it out on him.I asked him to go when he got angry about something trivial,I didn't wait to see what would happen,just opened the door and said "out".
He maintained his enlightened approach during that separation and we got together again when my hormones kicked in and I wanted a happy ever after pg.
The born again stuff lasted til Christmas then ebbed away,can't remember how...

Maybe it was a "flight into health " that couldn't be sustained amidst the real life stress of family life.
Or maybe he was pretending all along and it was more brainwashing bollocks.

It's handing those spectacles back that hurts.Abandoning him to his self inflicted misery.

Has anyone seen the film "Branson" ?

• An (extreme)abused abuser locked in a cage of his own construction.

Watched it with xp and we both saw him in it...

BRONSON!!!! LOL!!!!

Hey pm, marking thread and saying hi on here (random but pm will know what I mean)

As I have told you I have experience of NPD knobhead father so I can understand some of what you are goign through but am adding support on here as well, xx