PM,
I have read this thread through and I can empathise with your suffering.
My situation was not the same as yours as I have been away from my abuser for many years and did not have children with him.
The consequences of my traumatic,abusive and high drama relationship with him followed me for many years. In my 20s I self harmed regularly, drank to excess, chain smoked for 10 years, reinvented and had poor boundaries.
I still have good and bad days but have learned to live with my past. My DH is very supportive and having children has really helped me to heal.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 19 in University. I understand now that my own childhood experiences made me vulnerable to this man and his own abusive, damaged background. I found reading self help books very helpful too, so read as many as you can to stay sane.
I like to think of myself as quite a spiritual person and have developed my Christian faith over the years.
I noticed that you mentioned earlier that you could 'see' and 'hear' him, with images of what he is doing etc.
There is a theory or idea if you like, known as 'psychic cording' between people who are in very close relationships- parent/child, lovers, best friends, twins etc.
These psychic cords are the unseen spiritual ties that bind people together. Time and distance make no difference to the bond.
In very close relationship( especially those which involve transference/counter transference of energy, trauma, abuse and negative emotion) you may experience what is known as 'emeshment' where you feel your partners emotions, experience their loss and saddness,childhood pain etc. You may dream about him a lot too.
It is possible that you are feeling you ex partner's feelings very keenly and experiencing them second hand- almost telepathically if you like. This may explain why you pick up on his emotions and feel still drawn in. This could explain why you 'see' images of him so to speak, as you are feeling his panic and translating those emotions into a picture of his life without you. Does that make sense?
Damaged, abusive men see their partners are literal extensions of their inner, true selves. This is why they love you and also reject you simultaneously. You become a replacement for their lost/non existent inner core being, but because they utterly despise that lack of an inner core, they are terrified of you power and will do anything to control you.
Well it depends on your view of these things and if you believe in spiritual attachments of this kind or not. ( I'm not mad- honest! ) but it many be worth considering if you are open to this idea. If you are, you may find if helpful to research psychic cords and how you can cut them to completely free yourself of his energies- emotionally and spiritually. Perhaps you could look at this later on, once your immediate situation has improved.
Resisting his emotional, or psychic 'pull' if you like will be very difficult. For his part, it is probably an unconscious need of you, but severing that link may help you psychologically push him away.
You must be very strong and free yourself PM- as much as you love him and understand his pain. The problem is, he perfectly understands your pain too and will use you to suck energy ( good and bad) to feed himself. He knows how much you love him and he'll use it against you to get what he wants.
It sounds as though you are still vulnerable to him. The split second you let your guard down he will start on you in whatever way feels right at the time. Many abusers are already very damaged themselves and so are highly attuned to the emotional fluctuations
of those they are close to.
They abuse to keep control; they release onto you and into you, to take you down with them, then entwine you immediately back up into a delicious enveloping warm stranglehold of loving ecstasy to make sure you love them for the mess they are, despite the cruelty.
Men like this only know extremes of emotion and you will be a ping pong ball forever unless you take control. I'm generalising here of course but many abusive men get a huge kick out of the extreme high and lows of this type of relationship as they play out their own senarios from a poor childhood.
Your children now need to see a strong, independent woman who can form healthy, happy relationships. He will destroy you unless you leave him. To him, you are his battle ground but also his saviour.
RUN and run and run with all your might and don't stop running until you are on the right side of the looking glass. Love him from there instead.
This sounds like a bonkas thing to say, but if you can look at him and love him from a distance rather than through him and with him, you are moving away successfully.
I suffered from Stockholm Syndrome for a long time and even now I sometimes reflect on much I loved him, all we had in common and how incredibly special my relationship with him despite the abuse.
See that solicitor and please get out if you can. I so hope you can leave him and start again with your children.