Asked him to go,he did;how do I stay strong now?

[pinemartina]

Posted my story on NPD thread.
On off 3 yr relationship with controlling emotionally and verbally abusive xp ,who came back on white charger in time for baby's birth and has been lovely until yesterday,when he resumed nastiness.Culminating in a visit by midwife during which he told her wild,untrue and mad stuff about me,suggesting I am mentally ill and unfit to care for dc's - eg that I run naked into the road at night and scream at cars to hit me,while he looks after the kids and rescues me.Told her I am lucky to have him and that no one else would ever put up with what he does - said I invite men back to sleep with me every time he is away! Lots more similar stuff.She was horrified and really concerned - for ME..said she had noticed how controlling he is.
When she left,I told him I could not believe the things he had said about me (and to me,this am)and that it had killed our relationship.
He got up and told dc's(in next room) that Mummy had asked him to go and that this time he wd only be back to see baby when they are away at their dads,so wd not see them again.
He asked me to make sure I got a "third party" organised for contact visits to protect him from allegations.
Then he went.
No stuff of his left.
My house.
At home now with 4dc's and 10 day old baby.
Sore after ECS and can't walk much or drive for 5 wks more.Breastfeeding constantly.Weepy.DC'S upset.Feel devastated and needy.now I've done right thing.Scared I'll let him back.Scared of doing this alone.
Really lonely.Have spoken to womens aid.They said I shd contact my local branch in the morning.I will.

Oh, the shopping... XH didn't seem to get the separated thing either, when we moved house, and was forever encroaching on boundaries, to a quite creepy extent (including calling me at work, for no good reason, from my own telephone, and leaving things like a handful of ancient envelopes on my mantelshelf because "I thought you might need them", oh, and looking into my toilet to see whether I'd de-scaled it recently ). The last straw was when he brought round two bags of groceries one evening and told the boys to put it in my freezer. I went absolutely ape, threw a bag of roast chickens at him, and chased him down the road, roaring. He scooted off in his car like all the demons of Hell were after him. One DS said "I told him you wouldn't like it..."

He has only been across the threshold twice since, by special invitation, for a half hour or so, and that's the way it's staying.

I suppose it's all part of their disconnection from themselves. It must be really odd.

i SUPPOSE i KNOW IT'S ODD BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WAS BEGINING TO HAPPEN TO ME...THAT'S WHY IT FEELS LIKE i'M RE-INHABITING MY SOUL SINCE HE'S GONE!

Oh bum...I'm not re typing that much.

OMG I've had the bag of shopping thing on several previous break ups,and the freezer filled - it's down the shed - when we're out.

Oh, and fish, that he's caught, left on the back step.

He has never told anyone when we have been apart - even for 5 months.. and yes "really over this time" is his refrain..

Who are these frigging clone-freaks?

Prettylegs stay here where it's safe

Wow, that story is quite powerful pm, I'd love to show it to my mum, although I am not sure she is ready for it yet even after 6 years away from him, she still refuses to admit she was abused!

Yes I still get people ringing here for him, and they all sound terribly surprised when I tell them that he's left.

I'mdelighted thatth shopping thing is common.

There must be a name for this condition...and yes I can think of a few, but seriously, you know a psychological title for it. They are all exactly the same!

Thanks for the refuge PM...how ironic?

Hye PM, how are you doing today?

Sorry not mailed, been hectic here, got lovely big crack in my windscreen so might not be able to make next week depending on when the garage can fit us in, but will be up soon!

prettylegs - I think the accepted technical term is "barking"

He's been gone 2 weeks now , and I have not heard a word since the unpleasant tx the first Saturday.

That should be good news..?
Of course it is...

And to remind myself.....

I am tucked up safe,feeding baby and settling dc's into routine.
I have started the Freedom Programme and met 2 interesting women at a WA drop in..proper ,RL conversation.

I have walked round to school and chatted to M's and people now know we are alone,no bastard in the house...

I had a short ,spontaneous visit from someone who wouldn't come before.
Dc's friends are starting to come back.....I know everyone still thinks it's early days and that I will relent....but it's a start..

I have registered baby...no F's name..

We have had a fortnight of spontaneous,relaxed tea times, some at the table and others shock!! on our laps in front of TV in the best room.....
Sometimes,not even a cooked dinner.....even on Sunday

And I haven't hoovered....

DS has forgotten to put the bins out and we all said "never mind,it's not the end of the world" ---- and it wasn't!

Actually,the world has stayed surprisingly intact in the face of a fantastic list of previously mega-serious issues which are now of little concern to anyone....

I read and re-read npd and other threads on MN. This is hugely affirming,keeping me in touch with MY reality NOW...and I truly believe MN is keeping me from sliding into PND. Without it,I'd be isolate and my neediness and sadness ,and the little face of baby ,would be giving me the rationale to plead,beg or re-negotiate with xp...

I read the many,frequent posts in which other women seek answers to how they can "fix" what they have not yet recognised as unacceptable, often abusive dynamics.....Of course that was/still could be me a few short weeks ago....and then the strong,clear messages of support posted,and the unfolding,gradual realisation.....I truly never knew how many women experience this,and if I wasn't reading the threads here,I would continue to think it was just me ...I have the greatest respect and gratitude for all the women who post on here..

I have started to realise how this disappearing act is also part of the game....especially the silence..it's happened many times before,and I've been in such pain wondering how he can ignore his dd when he's always had such strong opinions on F's and my xh's , and when he was so doting at her birth.
Well, aside from him being an unreal, hard bastard with no capacity to empathise,I am wondering if this is the "withholding" stage...I am actually playing out my side of the drama here,if I miss him and wonder where he is.....it neatly deflects from the fact that he was told to go because of his abuse and puts the focus and energy onto the grief and pain.....places the power back with him,since I "need" him,or certainly,the baby does (in the script).IT's the cue for me to start tentative contacts,to check how he is,to ask why he hasn't been in touch.....he will then be able to "switch" into how hurt,lonely and depressed he's been,how he's been too "ashamed" to get in touch,realises he's gone too far,can't repair it,will always love me but knows he must protect me from himself......THEN I respond by melting,suggesting a way forward comforting him..believing he really does want to change..feeling grateful for the scraps of affection,hopeful for the future all over again....

I didn't realise this separation was also part of the same brainwashing game...I must have bought into the idea that the splitting up was "our" problem - "we're two of a kind" he'd say..."only you know what it's really like - you've been there".....the seduction of the "shared experience " of past abuse....

So,I remind myself of that when I wake up and reach for him in the night and almost dial his number....or when someone says "it's a difficult time,having a new baby, I'm sure you can both work through this together - there's such a lot of love between you "

Because you can't tell everyone in RL about the context..how do you explain to people about abuse when they've never experienced it and only seen the "nice guy" stuff,and you've never told them any different - until now?

How's the baby, how're you all?
from acquaintances and distant friends/relatives...

Oh and I bumped into a colleague from a couple of years back,my 14 yr old pushing the pram " ooh,is this 3 generations out together?" dd quickly says "no.it's m's baby"... queue horrified expression and swift exit of colleague...

I have to define myself in a new,proud ,positive way.....I just have to find it first...

i think you are doing really well at the redefining... keep it up!

the shopping thing - my exP handed a load of reduced food to me - i handed it back and he looked sooo wounded.

he does buy doughnuts for the dcs - reduced -drops them off... mostly they end up uneaten.

is about drawing the line - he can buy them a doughnut when with them, but am getting tired of finding reduced price douhgnuts on doorstep late at night when i putting out the bin bag... if i ignore he will continue and do more and more; if i make a scene he gets something out of that too. ugh.

clvl "reduced price doughnuts on doorstep when putting out bin bag" !!! PMSL

yes, ignore= increase...scene= " it's all being thrown back in my face,I'm trying to help dc's, look at all I do for you and it's never enough - projection projection = tlling everyone I am a hardfaced ungrateful mad bitch and he is trying his best to get on with it for dc's sake = focus back to poor him etc etc ffs

Well done, welldone PM. You are doing fab.
I know it isn;t the same as you are talking about your P and I am talking about my father but it does get easier to ignore. even now, years on I do get wobbles but then I just have to remind myself the wobbles are still him manipulating. It is doable and you sound like you are doing brilliantly in getting there.

Blimey PM, it has only been two weeks, and with your new baby! You should be hugely proud of yourself.

I mentioned at FP, that one of h's few friends had been diagnosed with cancer...terminal. They all laughed, and said yes, that was a common tactic, to garner sympathy. It's funny, that was weeks ago, and this friends hasn't been mentioned again.

The other day I was on facebook, late morning, my ds popped up as being on too, so I rang the school. They checked and of course, he wasn't on facebook, he was in his history class. There were three people who knew his password..ds, me and h. So wrote in the chat box that I knew that it was someone pretending to be a young boy....not good. I also put on my wall that someone was pretending to be my son, and that I knew it wasn't, and that whoever it was ought to get appropriate help.

So yesterday, h reactivates his facebook page...with all three friends. (Coincidence now that the passwords are all changed?)Apparently some garbled nonsense about finding something from facebook for his cancer ridden friend. He only has three friends and two of them don't know his friend! What a crap excuse!

He was sitting in a layby as I went past on my way to school. When I got home, he told me that the stuff I'd posted on facebook made him wretch it was so disgusting. I have quite pointedly NOT made any direct reference to the situation between us. Although I did meet up with old Uni pals yesterday, and a conversation took place about what a lovely time we'd all had. I suppose if the boot were on the other foot, I would feel sick too.

He is really struggling to make this convincing now. I feel really sorry for him. It's pathetic.

Thanks for the continued hijacking. It's only a matter of time before he finds me on here again I think, which would be a shame as I love my Bette Midler inspired name.

What fantastic & beautiful posts, y'all!

PM, you're racing along that road to clarity! Well done, you. And very well done with your friends! I wonder how long it'll be before someone confides in you about their apparently-perfect marriage?

Oh yes, teh cancer thing. Be ready for that PM.
My father was in ICU for terminal acute myeloid leukemia (that's what he said)

That was about, ooh, 8 years ago? And he's fine. And I so nearly fell for it, actually drove 250 miles to get there, was staying with DH's sister and I just said to DH (DP then) 'wtf am I doing?! it doesn't change what he has done!' So I got pissed and went home!

Why do they ALWAYS choose cancer?

PM, Just wanted to say you are being so strong, you should be so proud of yourself!

this

is one everyone should read. With all credits and many thanks to Grace

an uncannily accurate description of my experiences - and good "How to Avoid" advice.

See also

this

Shit - just had voicemail from xp

Sobbing pitifully,using "victim" voice :

"Very sorry to disturb or frighten you by contacting you...please could I see my dd soon? Please could you contact me to let me know how this can be arranged.Any way that suits you.She will be a month old on Thursday and I really miss her.Please get back to me [catch in voice] thank you,PM."

I have taken 2 co-codamol and brought baby,lap top and coffee up to bed.Will calm down and phone WA later for practical advice. Will now re-read all threads and links again....

Trying to rise above hurt ,and old feelings of hope that this time he wants to sort it....yes, that's programming and I am strong ....

repeats ,in robotic mantra 1000 000 times

sure, arange a sueprvised visit with someone else there as well so he can see dd - not in your house. elsewhere park or cafe for set time.

do not go for any more than this.

if it goes well, you can repeat .

this is only about him seeing his dd on regular basis, supervised, short times. nothing else. make sure third party is there too.

Thanks CLVL, that is what WA have advised,too.
They are also arranging a first,free, appt with solicitor of their choice who will then draw up a contact plan to offer him as a starting point - any further legals will be up to him then.

I cannot think of anyone I know who I can ask to be a third party in a cafe etc.

I am certainly not going to see him without third party...I don't trust myself yet. He could reel me back,and I am sure he intends to try.

Maybe WA could arrange a third party? I know on another thread they had someone in support attending court.

Does he have a predictable time frame for the self pity outbursts?

Reread the cycle of abuse stuff too. The one thing that our knowledge now gives us, is that they become predictable.

Stay strong!!!! You are SHE RAH!!!!!!!!

Bloody Hell - he's being unpredictable now -
Just picked up call on landline -which he never usually calls on - it was him.

New voice,totally new to me.Sounded like someone else.

"Just to thank you for your tx" - (WA advised a brief ,positive,message to let him know I will be sorting arrangements out asap and will send letter from solicitor - did this and also made sure it was phrased "for baby to see YOU")

" I'm so glad we've moved on to this stage.Could I arrange to collect my tools from the shed at a ime when you and dc's not going to be disrupted,as I am cracking on with the house now - Ireally want a nice safe place for her to come and visit when she's older"

tomorrow am,I said,I will be out.All tools just inside shed,ready.

"Oh that's kind of you,thanks very much,bye"

Why am I upset by that?
What's going on?
Why should I give a damn?

Where's my mighty power when I need it ?!

"I'm so glad we've moved on to this stage" [wtf?] = Pointless comment made by a non-human trying to say The RightThing.

"I really want a nice safe place for her to come and visit when she's older" = Feeble attempt at emotional manipulation, trying to Show Long-Term Concern.

New Voice = new persona, still in development.

Tosser.

Aha. Could this be the persona he's going to adopt during divorce? Will be gruesomely fascinating to see how he builds it.

Yea, how consistent is new persona with tearful victim man of the previous hour?....

He has neglected to make any progress on the house for the past 18 months - a constant issue for him .He has swung between "I have not been able to give time to my house because of you and your demands etc " and " If I wasn't in so much emotional pain [due to abuse in childhood] I could have finished the house and we'd all be living in luxury with no mortgage" (thank God)

So maybe he expects me to feel pain that he can get on with it now we are over....

There is no divorce as not married so ,unless he creates drama,the end has occurred - especially if he accepts contact arrangements so easily.....