Asked him to go,he did;how do I stay strong now?

[pinemartina]

Posted my story on NPD thread.
On off 3 yr relationship with controlling emotionally and verbally abusive xp ,who came back on white charger in time for baby's birth and has been lovely until yesterday,when he resumed nastiness.Culminating in a visit by midwife during which he told her wild,untrue and mad stuff about me,suggesting I am mentally ill and unfit to care for dc's - eg that I run naked into the road at night and scream at cars to hit me,while he looks after the kids and rescues me.Told her I am lucky to have him and that no one else would ever put up with what he does - said I invite men back to sleep with me every time he is away! Lots more similar stuff.She was horrified and really concerned - for ME..said she had noticed how controlling he is.
When she left,I told him I could not believe the things he had said about me (and to me,this am)and that it had killed our relationship.
He got up and told dc's(in next room) that Mummy had asked him to go and that this time he wd only be back to see baby when they are away at their dads,so wd not see them again.
He asked me to make sure I got a "third party" organised for contact visits to protect him from allegations.
Then he went.
No stuff of his left.
My house.
At home now with 4dc's and 10 day old baby.
Sore after ECS and can't walk much or drive for 5 wks more.Breastfeeding constantly.Weepy.DC'S upset.Feel devastated and needy.now I've done right thing.Scared I'll let him back.Scared of doing this alone.
Really lonely.Have spoken to womens aid.They said I shd contact my local branch in the morning.I will.

Thanks LRD you are right.I was astounded to hear him speak like that to her, and in front of me ,as it was such mad stuff anyone would have thought him a bad man - I was trying to feed baby and crying when he came in ,too.

He ranted on at me with such bad stuff all last night and this morning,too.It's hard to get the echoes out of my head.He has done a lovely job of being supportive cuddly hero this past week and that makes the contrast more appalling.

I did know it would not last,but am shocked at the extreme contrast and speed - not usual pattern.

He admitted,too,that he has deliberately ensured that his adult dd and ds think v badly of me by telling them the same kind of stuff over 3 years - no reason given.....wtf

well done for getting rid of him as u are going to be very fragile right now. Get any help available to you eg homestart etc wishing you all the luck in the world and dont stop enjoying ur family and special little person x

Oh, dear, you poor woman.

By the way, he's right about one thing (and one thing only) - you should organise a third party to help facilitate contact when you have some sort of access arrangement worked out. Do not come in contact with this man on your own again if you can possibly avoid it.

I know how pathetic it sounds,but I have been feeding baby 2-3 hrly through night and keep thinking of the nights since we've been home from hospital - during feeds, he has made me tea and sat gazing at me and baby saying lovely things, stroking my back,making plans for future and saying how proud he is etc

It doesn't make sense to berate me out of the blue,saying such dreadful,abusive things in a scary way,then to go so easily.

I know there's no point trying to make sense of it,I know I have to be strong and move forward.

The nice parts were SO nice,and were the most I've ever had in terms of love - other than from dc's of course.

I feel I have let down a 5th child by not choosing a decent father,or making it work out.

My other 4 dc's really wanted a real happy family.

Yes,yes,I know we didn't really have it.But I think I wanted it so much I believed it despite the evidence and because it was the best I had had.

I wont be in the running for anything better now.

Even if I had time and it were appropriate - which it so isn't - I am no prospect for anyone.He told me that so often,but it's true.It's not I need a man ,just it wd be good to have mutual love,support and respect - for real,though.
Sorry to keep on.I love baby and dc's to bits and know I am lucky really.

You are entitled to have your wallow, and here's a good place to do it.

There's nothing stopping you being a 'prospect' a bit down the track when you're in a better place. Of course you're in the running for better! There's a lot better out there than this plonker, pretty much anyone would be tbh.

And you are a real family, you know. I grew up with a single parent and there was always so much love between my brother and I, and my mum, and I'm in my thirties now but we still all get together for a Sunday afternoon of board games and a roast chicken (and, these days, watching my toddler learn to walk). There's a lot of love in our little family.

Time is what's needed here. Just get through each day, feel sorry for yourself as you need to, but DO NOT let him back in.

good morning PM

How are you this morning? Take today moment by moment. Stay in the present. I love the sniffing babies head comment. I still smell my kids head. I think it's a very lovely instinctive bonding thing to do.

Don't think about the future, that will take care of itself. Are you seeing the MW today? If you are ASK for more help. Explain that it was indeed always an abusive relationship, and that you NEED support. That his behaviour was not a flash in the pan.

From the sounds of things, she's already picked that up.

Every time you think of him, switch to thinking about YOU instead.

xxxx

BLess you you poor woman, what a horrible situation to be in but be grateful that he HAS gone, so your poor baby doesn't pick up on the negativity he is throwing out.

There is no rhyme or reason to these people's behaviour - don't even try to rationalise it because it can't be done.

If your older DDs really mean that they will be happy to stay behind this weekend, and their Dad is happy to change weekends, I would take them up on it - you're probably better off having someone around at the mo.

Do stay strong - this man is a trainwreck and there is no reason for you to be caught up in his lies any more - the lovely bit was all just an act, an unsustainable act, so do try and let go of it because it just wasn't real.

Your parents can keep this man if they want him so badly - sounds like you're better off without the lot of them. Shame his DS and DD have been poisoned but tbh if they can't see what kind of liar he is and choose to believe him then you're probably better off without them too.

Concentrate on your own nucleus of a family - get help from wherever available, start with the MW who visited, see if there is a Homestart in your area, look for post-natal groups, mum and baby groups (even if you loathe the idea you never know who you might meet there), Women's Aid, everyone. CAB as well maybe to discuss setting up visiting at a contact centre or through a 3rd (official) party.

I hope you get the help you need - take whatever is offered until you are back on your feet and your CS scar has healed and then you can re-evaluate your position.

Have an unMNly (((hug))) as well - you sound like you need it.

Thank you so much,it all really helps.
I can't stop crying

Ah well, that'll be your hormones as much as anything!

We're here to listen but do get RL help as well. Just so you know, I am in Oz so am 9hours ahead of you - so am often on in the middle of the UK night if you need to chat.

You're doing great - stay strong, you know it's for the best, we'll support you as much as we can.

thanks,TW.

How was your morning?

Hi Saddest,thanks for asking.
I spoke to womens aid and MW. All seem very concerned about possibility of situation escalating to physical violence and seem to think I am minimising by saying I don't think it will - it is so not his style,he prides himself on his all round good guy image.
Womens Aid sent 2 support workers round for a chat and they just left.They want to send the chap round who changes locks and puts a thing on the phone,and will organise an outreach worker.
It all seems scary and real now.
I can never go back into the fantasy nice man world again.
That feels really hard and not quite real.
I am honestly not minimising,but I don't believe he would get physical.Actually,it would be easier if he did.The words that echo round my head are worse than the bruises I used to get off my Dad.
I havn't heard from him.
I txd him to say I will never be verbally abused or intimidated by him again.That is inflammatory and will make him angry towards me for a very long time - possibly forever.That will protect me from nice Daddy turning up with flowers,tears and apologies.I fear what I would do in that case.I hope ignore him.That is why I need outreach workers etc.It reinforces the "new " reality.
I think that's the hardest part - it feels even harder than the prospect of more verbal abuse behind closed doors.
And I SO want a cuddle.And it's still him I want.My bestfriend and babys' Daddy.My hormones make me so sentimental,and it is so hard to be rational.
No one has been to see me since we came home.
I have sent cheerful messages inviting people.
I sent a couple today saying I'd love some company and feel a bit lonely,no replies.
Eldest dd has her birthday on Sun and has said she wants to go to her Dads after all as I can't go out yet (and cry all day)Can't blame her.
Feel very sorry for myself

I am so glad that wa dent some support your way.

You know that I understand what you are feeling...minus the hormones!

I have been out of his "cult" for two months now and I am beginning to reconnect to the world.
I was so completely dependent on him for EVERYTHING. But that's how they do it.

I have just finished "controlling people" by Patricia evans, went to my first "freedom Programme" meeting yesterday and started counselling on monday.

It's about me and my babies now.

Keep going. Keep going....a moment at a time. Take ALL the help and connections with anyone else that you can. Ask people to visit again.

You are sooo brave. And another day out of his control. And tomorrow will be another one.

I start Freedom Prog next Thur.
MW came back this afternoon and went through a form about domestic abuse.She believes she witnessed a verbal assault on me.She must be right,but it shows how brainwashed I am,I was surprised at him saying it in front of her, but not so much at the content!

"cult" is right.I feel as if I've lost limbs and internal organs, but as I describe simple detail about my life with him to professionals,I realise that not only are they horrified,but that I am too - as if I'm describing someone else....

I was once considered assertive and a bit of a hard case!!!
I hear myself describing a doormat who is whimpering about not being shat on any more! No, not quite, ..whimpering because I'm betraying a vicious rottweiler who anyway has nice soft fur and doesn't always attack..or something.....pathetic

Not what I want my dc's to model themselves on.

Hats off to your midwife , i really hope you get all the support you need, you know from the other thread once your out of the cult theres no going back. Youll be back sooner than you think.

Back in the normal world i meant !

pinemartina, I think (if it's any consolation) that sometimes men like this go for the ones who appear strong! It's more of a conquest for them. I had a bf for a year (well, 6m actually but it was a year before I found that out!) who wasn't in any way as bad as yours but he constatnly undermined me, belittled me, made out that I was mad, in the wrong - and I used to modify my behaviour to try and keep him sweet! It makes me cringe now when I think of it, that I, a supposedly strong independent intelligent woman, fell for it and was on the way to beooming the downtrodden doormat. THank GOD he moved on to someone else.

Since then I have come to the conclusion that these men are past master at this sort of thing, and if you don't expect it, you are under their "spell" before you realise it's happening. In your case, because your Dad was abusive you already have a mental link between abuse and love, which might have played a part in why you didn't recognise the signs, I don't know, I'm not trying to analyse you really just give you my side.

Anyway - glad WA came round for you, and so for you that no one else has bothered yet!

How well do you get on with your DD's Dad? Well enough to suggest that you all do something together for her birthday? If you can do that, and focus on getting out of the house and doing something "normal" it might be good for you.

I think that health professionals seem to be more and more aware of these behaviours.

When I described what h did/said....they know the story. They just know. They can finish his sentences for him.

Freedom programme is...after just one session, so validating.

Your midwife.....Hooray for her!

Womens Aid...Brilliant!!

The real you will be back....but wiser and stronger.

xxx

P Evans says that they go for the thing that defines you as separate from them the most...as that is the most threatening to them.

PM...your strength of character threatened his view of his version of you....and had to go!

But it hasn't gone anywhere. Because that is the REAL you, the one he could not alow you to be. If he's gone, YOU will come back.

Many health professionals undergo mandatory training on conflict resolution and protection of children and vulnerable adults

Domestic abuse (verbal/emotional) is increasingly viewed as domestic violence and is one of the red flags we are taught to recognize and act upon when doing child protection training

You have a good MW, but she is just doing her job well

Thanks tw,
I used to have a pretty good relationship with DD's Dad - ever since a year or so after we split when eldest was 2,we used to d o birthdays like that...but >>cringe

I've taken him back so often,no one believes I wont again - even I find it hard to imagine (WONT WONT WONT)..and it's gone THIS FAR now..ffs - professional involvement,that is my bottom line.
I joint work with all these agencies and this is a small community.Confidentiality is an academic concept.All my and children's' details are on the integrated systems with a flag on..(rightly so,but feels like I've failed)
Good to see you AF

pm, I would come and see you, love, if you were nearer

Aaw thanks,that means a lot

oh that's a shame, pinemartina.

I have no idea why your current XP would feel it's any of his business to be giving your XH hell, IF YOU ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER - and since you are now free of him and plan to stay free of him forever this time, your XH should never have to see him again except in the street. However, it STILL won't have anything to do with him because he has no ownership over you - you are a free woman to see and talk to whom you wish.

Your XH might have lost sympathy last year but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone forever - up to you whether or not you talk to him again about it, he might be good or he might say serves you right but you won't know unless you ask.

Either way - STAY STRONG - you are doing the right thing, you can do it by yourself.