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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Asked him to go,he did;how do I stay strong now?

217 replies

pinemartina · 20/04/2010 21:11

Posted my story on NPD thread.
On off 3 yr relationship with controlling emotionally and verbally abusive xp ,who came back on white charger in time for baby's birth and has been lovely until yesterday,when he resumed nastiness.Culminating in a visit by midwife during which he told her wild,untrue and mad stuff about me,suggesting I am mentally ill and unfit to care for dc's - eg that I run naked into the road at night and scream at cars to hit me,while he looks after the kids and rescues me.Told her I am lucky to have him and that no one else would ever put up with what he does - said I invite men back to sleep with me every time he is away! Lots more similar stuff.She was horrified and really concerned - for ME..said she had noticed how controlling he is.
When she left,I told him I could not believe the things he had said about me (and to me,this am)and that it had killed our relationship.
He got up and told dc's(in next room) that Mummy had asked him to go and that this time he wd only be back to see baby when they are away at their dads,so wd not see them again.
He asked me to make sure I got a "third party" organised for contact visits to protect him from allegations.
Then he went.
No stuff of his left.
My house.
At home now with 4dc's and 10 day old baby.
Sore after ECS and can't walk much or drive for 5 wks more.Breastfeeding constantly.Weepy.DC'S upset.Feel devastated and needy.now I've done right thing.Scared I'll let him back.Scared of doing this alone.
Really lonely.Have spoken to womens aid.They said I shd contact my local branch in the morning.I will.

OP posts:
Deemented · 26/04/2010 21:32

I know you don't know me, PM, but i'm a friend of JB's and like her, not so very far away, so if you ever want a friendly ear,please just shout x

JackBauer · 26/04/2010 22:42

I've mailed you both btw

Deemented · 27/04/2010 09:32

How are you doing this morning, PM?

JackBauer · 27/04/2010 09:59

Morning pm, how are things today? At least the weather is a bit better, well it is over this way anyway!
Can't get into cat email as its different from my jb one but can check it later. meow!

pinemartina · 27/04/2010 13:55

Hi JB AND D,
Just found time to sit down! Been to register baby this am.Had lift from friend buy she was in a rush so no time to go slow or have a walk about,then HV came round and just had call from homestart to say they are coming in a minute.Then kids will be back from school.
Sooooo tired.
Would love to curl up and sleep for even 5 hours in a go,knowing all was safe with everyone.
Would also love to clean house - no, to have a clean house......
Got GP appointment at 5 too,which will have to walk to.
Bloody xp just waltzes off and not a care about all this.
Moan moan

OP posts:
JackBauer · 27/04/2010 16:16

Busy day then! Makes me all tired just thinking about it.
Name a day next week and I will come round with DD's after DD1 gets out of morning nursery and bring you cake make you tea while they trash your house

pinemartina · 27/04/2010 16:18

Yes please,how about Wednesday?

OP posts:
JackBauer · 27/04/2010 16:26

Done. See you then.

Gotta run but back on later. Have you heard from exp at all?

pinemartina · 27/04/2010 19:55

Had a self pitying phone call yesterday to say he needed some tools he has left in my shed,but didn't want to make it a problem..Then went on to be tearful and self pitying about how he hasn't seen his baby dd for a week but understands that "as I am an abuser [means him],it is best for me to stay away and arrange supervised contact via a solicitor - although I have no money to do so for a long time yet"
Said he had been in bed in caravan since leaving,not told anyone,really ashamed...sniffling,sobbing...

I asked him what led him to define himself as an abuser and he said......

"you did" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What can you do to address it,xp? I asked

"nothing,as it's you who have abused me,but hidden it from everyone.You have taken advantage of my kindness and all the work,time and energy I have lavished on you out of my unending love.....if the MW saw what I saw,they would be concerned about you,not me........" yes him saying this to me

I'm afraid I asked was he concerned about me and baby and how we were managing.To which he inevitably said

"that's typical,all you care about is yourself....blah blah blah"

I hung up.

I went out and dug up dandelions for an hour,thinking angry,powerful thoughts.Then got out his tools and phoned his mobile to arrange collection via next doors garage.He answered in his cheerful charming voice with clear noises of a car auction in the background ,jolly,matey laughter.couldn't tell it was me for a minute due to noise,than said "sure,mate,sure,I'll call you back" And hung up!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not answer his call later.He - incredibly - left a sad-voiced voicemail saying he was sorry he'd missed my call and wd love to speak to me.
Later txted me that he was "lying in bed gazing at leaves through the skylight and listening to the first cuckoo,with happy memories and tears".......

The evidence is clear.
The HV came today,and Surestart and MW.All emphasising that to have him back in the house would mean Social Services involvement.
I really WANT to get him out of my head and find energy and optimism.
I am still tearful all the time thinking about what I thought we had.
I am starting to realise that I was grateful to settle for scraps of what looked like love.
But it's really hard to do without the scraps
Even though that sounds pathetic.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 27/04/2010 20:10

Actually, you're doing very well. I love the angry weeding! Fancy a trip up to Herefordshire? On second thoughts, maybe I should get in touch with my feelings ... and use them against my own dandelions

I am so pleased your support system is beginning to take shape, PM. Please use it! Are you feeling up to joining any of the local Mummy groups yet? ... And you have a Mumsnet reunion to look forward to next week

Give that love to your children, not some self-pitying old liar.
xx

JackBauer · 27/04/2010 20:14

Has he been reading bad poetry or what?

Sorry to make light. I don't think you are being pathetic in the slightest, you have to rememebr that he has been grinding down your self esteem for ages, which you are slowly becoming aware of. He has made you think you need him but finally you are realising it isn't true.
One day you will wake up and realise that his 'scraps of what looked like love' (perfect phrase btw) were exactly that, the best he could fabricate from his deeply disturbed mind, not real love, but what he thinks passes for it and you deserve so much better.

Really pleased you have HV, MW and Surestart all onside and backing up you being strong, good for them. It will just take time (trite I know, but veyr true)

prettylegsgreatbigknockers · 27/04/2010 20:14

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. I used to be the saddest person. (wink)

I went to my second freedom programme meeting today. We talked about "the invasion of the body snatchers". How they can switch persona at the drop of a hat.

A friend of mone was driving past my house on Saturday and saw his car there so decided not to call in. If she HAD have called in, it would not have got so hideous, because he would have kept his public persona on, not the shitty one reserved for me and the dc's.

pinemartina · 27/04/2010 21:02

Thanks Grace and JB - he has regularly texted me choice Mcgonagall- stylee poetry...

I paid for the dandelions today and can barely stand !

HEEEY plgbk !!!!! Been wondering how you are!

Looking forward to my first FP on Thurs. Will let you know how I get on.
I find it hard to get my head around how xp revealed his shitty abusive self to the MW .It's really weird when all the new supporting people arrive and talk in concerned terms about the emotional and verbal abuse I have been subjected to....I have to admit to feeling like I've betrayed him in some way -how bonkers is that? Or that I want to tell them lovely things about him--why???!!!!

OP posts:
JackBauer · 27/04/2010 21:47

Oh i know the answer to this one miss, me, me!pick me!

It's brainwashing! I remember once when i was about 14 i had a massive bruise on my arm that was genuinely not my dads fault, i got hit by a tennis ball while playing with my sis. My teacher saw it and pulled me aside to talk about it, gently asking questions about how + why + about my dad's temper.
I was so upset + got really cross with her for thinking such a horribke thing, how could she say such things, he's my dad, he loves me etc etc, all while hiding a gisnt foot shaped bruise on my ribs FROM HIM! I never told him because i thought he would be devestated at the accusation? I mean, i had a perfect audience + couldn't hear a bad word said about him. Very fucked up.
It's a matter of readjusting your brain patterns to realise that little part of your mind that invents all the things youwere telling yourself to protect yourself from realising what was really going on is still there. We just need to shut it up.

I hope that makes sensr, have been on the wine

prettylegsgreatbigknockers · 27/04/2010 21:48

Once you get into your meeting on Thursday, it really helps to know how all the same they are.

I have had no less than seven (7) emails today from one person.

I know what he will do next. I know what words he will use. It's extra ordinary.....not because I'm mystic Meg, but because they ALL do it. In the same order, with the same words. It really is like they've been invaded by the same, very simple alien. And when you're in a group of people from every background and circumstance, the "sameness" of them is mind boggling!

Loving my new name!!!!!

prettylegsgreatbigknockers · 27/04/2010 21:55

You know it's funny...reading Jack's post...I know that, that is what HE is doing. Covering up what he cannot face about his family and his blocked out history.

I know his past and his family. Not as much as I would once have liked....but enough to know that it has caused one hell of a lot of damage.

I spent yesterday being 3 years old...writing to myself and drawing pictures.....in an attempt to heal what has been done, by my mother, to me. (all under v controlled conditions...do not try this at home!)

My h and I are/were together for this reason. But...

I choose to change and grow...for my babies.

prettylegsgreatbigknockers · 27/04/2010 22:08

Me again.....

When I had one of my conversations with the more "severe" womens aid workers last year...I found out what it feels like to not want to hear it.

To just not want to acknowledge what you know is the truth.

It was deeply distressing and uncomfortable. I didn't want to hear what she was saying, and I felt angry with her. She was harsh....she called me a child abuser, for being complicit in his abuse of my children. She did not pull her punches.

Child abuser.....me? NOOOOOOOOO!

Funny....that has given me the most amazing insight into where he is. Now...what to do with that?????

pinemartina · 27/04/2010 22:16

Yes, yes, yes and yes....Soooo helpful
Protecting myself from the reality ,so I could stay in the fantasy....

My exp just like my father -xcept father was physical too.I used to go to school with bruises to my face,but no one ever asked why,although if they had,I'm not sure I'd have said.Don't remember ever even thinking about it,it was so normal.

And me and him were together for that reason too ....used to feel so bonded and united against the world..but..it's unhealthy and can only maintain,not move on,at least not unless agreed mutually...no chance of that with a "simple alien" (love it)

Maybe I will namechange at some significant future stage...sooo want to be me again..need to find who that is!

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/04/2010 00:47

Speaking with limited personal experience here, do you think part of the cover-up is out of a kind of embarrassment for yourself? What I mean is - where it's your father, you don't want people to see that he treats you badly because you somehow feel it's your fault and you don't want people to know that you were "so bad" that your father had to do that to you/

Where it's your P/H - it would be embarrassment that you chose to be with this person, despite their ridiculous behaviour. But also again because you somehow believe that it is your fault and you don't want anyone else to know how "bad" you've been to cause the retribution.

Can't remember if I've said it on this thread already or not but I was involved with an emotional abuser for a year or so and I made so many excuses for him on the grounds that I knew his family background and how fucked up they all were - in the end it doesn't excuse how they choose to behave to you. There is always a choice.

PM - stay strong - I'm glad the MW and that have been to see you and although it must have been a bit of a for them to mention SS if you let that man back into your life, it's probably a good thing they said it so that it reinforces your resolution not to expose your DC to similar behaviour patterns.

prettylegsgreatbigknockers · 28/04/2010 06:45

It's deepere than embarrassment, although there is an element of that.

Patricia Evans calls it spellbound.

I imagine myself in that place with my hands over my eyes, goigng la la la very loud.It's denial. Just too hard to acknowledge what's really going on.

It is being complicit in someone elses spellbound unreality. Rapunzel's tower, the prince inside the frog, the princess asleep for a hundred years. It's so common there will be more examples in art and literature.

It does feel like being taken over, which again P Evans explains so well....the real you becomes displaced to make way for split off stuff.

It is fascinating from a distance....I personally would like a lot more distance from it!

pinemartina · 28/04/2010 10:17

I have/had a story which has been powerful for me since childhood.

Not sure if I read it somewhere originally, or elaborated on a theme .

I lived in a fantasy world of knights and princess most of the time...(?past tense

As I remember,it's about one of King Arthurs' Knights..on a quest...

He meets an adversary ( bound to have been an old hag,I'm afraid)..and is cursed..

He must live as a dreadful ,bloodthirsty beast/wolf, and can return to his manly form only for the night of a full moon - changing back into the beast as dawn breaks.

Well,one moonlit night,he is wandering the dark forest,as the handsome,gentle knight he really is

when

of course

he meets ...a beautiful,sad maiden -
( in my memory,she is weeping because her cruel father, a magician,has sent her into the wilderness ,or she has run there,because she has refused to marry an old magician chosen by her father;but that may be my own childhood Freudian editing...)

They walk and talk, long into the night - (very important, spiritual connecting and identification part..)
He understands about her father - as a Knight ,he believes in magicians and understands their eccentricities .
The first man ever to get her - it's like coming home..

He is strong and handsome,his armour glistens and shines in the moonlight,how safe she feels...
They begin to fall deeply in love.

He tells her he must go,before dawn,but arranges to meet her again next full moon..

A glimpse of what she has always longed for..she can't wait for the month to pass...

When they meet again,it is even better...She begins to "live for the full moon" when they can be together..

This continues for a year.They are both heartbroken at being apart.

One night,the maiden follows him in secret ,as he leaves her.
She watches in horror as he takes his beastly shape and rampages about the woods,slavering at the mouth,growling,roaring terrifying all living creatures,gratuitously attacking anything warm blooded...
Then,blood dripping from his mouth,he savages and devours a beautiful fawn.

My poor,poor man...
Who has done this to him? it is clearly a curse...
Her gentle Knight,forced to commit such atrocities...

She tries to approach him, but he attacks her and she only just manages to escape with her life,suffering serious injury.

(bit like Jenny Agutter in American Werewolf in London)

When they next meet,he asks her about the scars and cuts covering her skin and when she tells her story,he reveals the curse he is under.
Sobbing at how she is hurt and how he can do nothing about it all,he begs her to leave him,he is not worthy of her...It could happen again,he may not realise...

She says there ,there,it's not your fault you have this curse,and after all,it was my choice to follow you..
It's not really you ,darling,is it? It's a nasty curse...I know the real you...that's who I love....

They pledge their devotion and she says she will gladly settle for one night a month with him, since the love they share is so deep,this will be better than not having him.

After all,it is only she who knows his secret.The real him.

They are bonded by the curse

She decides to stay near him in the forest while he is a beast, and to bring meat for him so that he doesn't have to savage the creatures (presumably she gets a butcher to slaughter the deer humanely and brings him cutlets)

She is distressed to find that she remains in danger from him and that he continues to kill innocent Bambi's.

Every living thing in the forest loathes and fears him....But she knows this is because they see only the beast...If they realised the beast was really the gentle Knight, they'd understand - even admire- her faith.

She goes on a quest to find out how to lift the curse.(A long process involving many significant adventures,but seemingly not much enlightenment)

She is told,initially, that if he kills and eats a young maiden,the curse will break.

She decides that she will sacrifice herself for him and goes to the forest and ties herself to a tree to await his savage attack....(!!)

As she waits, her magician father arrives,having been heartbroken by her disappearance, he has given up on the older magician idea and wants to make amends.
Overjoyed to find her, he is slightly concerned when she tells him about her boyfriend.

However,luckily ,he is is a wise and powerful sage, and remembers that ,in fact, there is another way,although it is dangerous.

The cursed knight can be changed from a beast back to a man...

On the night of the full moon,at the first light of dawn,just as the change from man back to beast begins,a maiden
who truly loves him,
must

hold on tight and hang on;

proclaiming her love aloud while the change occurs.She must not let go whatever happens,however fiercely the beast rages and tries to savage her...
If her love is true,he will not change, but will become her gentle knight, and will be her true love forever

If her love is not true ,or falters; if her fear causes her to let go,or her injuries overcome her....he will kill her and remain a beast and damned forever....

......LA LA LA NOT LISTENING....
THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
it's true,I believed it since I was about seven.....

Do you think there could be a good novel there somewhere.Maybe I should copy write it..

Or perhaps the story's been told on these pages many, many times.....

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/04/2010 11:45

Sounds very like your own story there, PM. Only in your case the true face of the man is the beast, the illusion is the knight - but I can see how you would have wanted to believe otherwise.

ItsGraceAgain · 28/04/2010 12:07

I went through a phase of being VERY ANGRY about all the myths & fairy tales I'd been fed as a girl (my childhood was rich in literature, if little else.) Several decades later, I realised the specific reason for my anger - as you have outlined - and that, even then, reality had been making a valiant effort to break through the web of spells I lived under!

No accident, I imagine, that many young women choose mythology & feminism as their dissertation topic.

My mother even cites the stories as parables for life. She's a one-woman choir of "LALALA!"

ItsGraceAgain · 28/04/2010 12:07

Love your story, PM - very evocative

prettylegsgreatbigknockers · 28/04/2010 16:21

PM you ahould write that all out and send it to a publisher. What greater justice would there be if it were to be published?

If I may hijack PM, I am still "hiding" a little bit after very aggressive scenes on Saturday.

I went to FP on Tuesday, and as I was listening to the other women there, it occured to me that h is in denial about splitting up...evn though he has moved out. He hasn't bought a bed, still wears his wedding ring etc etc,and keeps saying things in his emails about it really being over this time.

He went to see a solicitor yesterday regarding contact. I decided to do nothing, in the expectation that the solicitor he saw would recomend doing what we are currently doing, in terms of times and days etc.......well aren't I mrs smug....that'e exactly what has happened and it cost me nothing in termes of time, money or stress.

And today as if to underline this weird denial thing, he has brought a bag of shopping. The things for the kids that he ALWAYS brought back when he'd taken his dad pout shopping. As though NOTHING has changed. It's weird....really fucking weird.

Thank you PM for letting me hide in your thread!!! I can't post on old threads without it being obvious who I am