Asked him to go,he did;how do I stay strong now?

[pinemartina]

Posted my story on NPD thread.
On off 3 yr relationship with controlling emotionally and verbally abusive xp ,who came back on white charger in time for baby's birth and has been lovely until yesterday,when he resumed nastiness.Culminating in a visit by midwife during which he told her wild,untrue and mad stuff about me,suggesting I am mentally ill and unfit to care for dc's - eg that I run naked into the road at night and scream at cars to hit me,while he looks after the kids and rescues me.Told her I am lucky to have him and that no one else would ever put up with what he does - said I invite men back to sleep with me every time he is away! Lots more similar stuff.She was horrified and really concerned - for ME..said she had noticed how controlling he is.
When she left,I told him I could not believe the things he had said about me (and to me,this am)and that it had killed our relationship.
He got up and told dc's(in next room) that Mummy had asked him to go and that this time he wd only be back to see baby when they are away at their dads,so wd not see them again.
He asked me to make sure I got a "third party" organised for contact visits to protect him from allegations.
Then he went.
No stuff of his left.
My house.
At home now with 4dc's and 10 day old baby.
Sore after ECS and can't walk much or drive for 5 wks more.Breastfeeding constantly.Weepy.DC'S upset.Feel devastated and needy.now I've done right thing.Scared I'll let him back.Scared of doing this alone.
Really lonely.Have spoken to womens aid.They said I shd contact my local branch in the morning.I will.

Thanks TW,

I guess new baby is the concern now.
I dont know how xp will behave regarding her yet.I imagine he still thinks I will be desperate for him to come back,that I wont cope with 5 dc's alone.

When he realises,and thinks through the issues around his contact/relationship with baby,there are likely to be problems.

He was trying to suggest to the MW that I am unstable and unfit to look after the dc's - gave mad examples.He has admitted that he has told his dc's the same (untrue)wild stories about me for the past 3 years,and that they think I am mentally ill.They refuse contact with me and are really upset and concerned about the baby.

I fear he will get stuck in to a serious custody battle based on that kind of stuff.

He still assumes he owns his dd,and she is 30,so I am sure he will think he owns baby.He wanted me to give her to him when he was here last just because I was crying,saying I was putting her at risk.

He told MW that I take my xh into bed at any opportunity and that xh would be here like a shot as soon as he gets a chance (all untrue of course) So,I feel like I am exposing others to unpleasant scenes (at best) by involving them in any way.

I can't get anyone to visit me at home.No one has said it's because of him,but they used to come before he shouted a load of abuse at the friend who looked after my dc's when I was in hospital during PG - and we were not together then,he was adamant at that time that he wanted no more to do with me.

I think it will be really hard to break free of him.He has always said "don't make an enemy of me".He carries extreme hate and anger towards loads of people,for various reasons from serious to trivial issues.

THen you need to start logging everything and get the police involved as soon as you can. I'm sure WA will help out here, and your MW sounds like a great, sensible woman who will back you up. Be strong, be brave - let as many people in authority know what's going on as you can, as soon as you can so that you get your side over first.

MW has informed police,stating she witnessed verbal abuse and total lack of concern by xp that his words and aggressive delivery were causing fear and upset in me,whilst failing in my efforts at same time to latch baby on.
He did not speak to her before she left,having delivered this diatribe.

Police wanted to come round, apparently,but here line manager advised her not to give statement before checking with me in case I didn't corroborate and protected him.

Now he has left,they won't take action unless alerted,but have his details - from me - on database as verbal abuse perpetrator.They are going to change my locks for free and fit an alert to the phone.

WA have conveyed concerns to police.MW has referred on to Social Services and Homestart.

All of this means I will not be resuming unsupervised contact with him,as I wd now be failing to protect dc's and compromising myself for any future issues.

I will log everything - nothing so far,no contact from him at all.I wont be contacting him.

My Father rang and asked for a chat with him,I said he had gone again.Father said "what buttons do you keep pushing? You will end up with no one if you keep driving them away" Said he had had a long chat with xp few days ago and xp had confided how "difficult" I am and how "he can never get it right or do enough for me".My parents agreed with him that it sounded spot on,just like me....
When berating me before leaving,xp said he had had a nice chat with my Father and "even he had to beat you on a regular basis because of your attitude - he knows just what I am up against"...

I do know I have to protect myself and dc's.

The headfuck is that I bought into the nice guy stuff so heavily that I am grieving the loss of a clearly abusive bastard and still wanting a cuddle from him... Cult stuff,brainwashing ,I guess..Stockholm syndrome...

I am re -reading Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans.

I know this thread is like a blog now.
Sorry if that isn't appropriate on MN ?
Don't know if anyone's reading,but it helps me to type.Self validation?

Newbaby 2 weeks old today

Do remember that this man is a nasty, shitty, fucked up disaster, not a good guy. There is no way that a man who has been abusive in front of a health professional and reported to the police for abuse by a health professional will be able to get custody of his DC. And people like this are very good at grinding you down but they do NOT have superpwoers, they are NOT above the law, and if he persists in telling lies about you, harassing and threatening you, he can be arrested and put in prison. (Where, hopefully, he will be beaten up and buggered in the showers by Big Bobby).

pinemartina - go for it with the blog-type posting - we will help you get through it in terms of keeping you on the straight and narrow in your thinking as much as we can.

Your dad sounds like another one to cut contact with, tbh. In fact, can you move out of the area or would that be too complicated in terms of the other DCn's dads?

Your parents are no judge of who or what you are. If they continue to collude with your loon of an exP, I would log their behaviour as well for the police.

Concentrate on you, your DC and let the rest of them go hang - you have enough to deal with as it is.

Is there really no one left who would give you another chance if you told them categorically that you will never take your xp back again? Are you sure about that?

Don't know...not sure I'm rational - emotionally - just posted on npd thread as well.

I'd love to move away but dc's love it here and have been so unsettled over the years.

Money and job issues too

I've picked myself up and restarted loads of times - relocated x4. I know I can do it,but there must be a time when making it work and staying put is best?

Having said that,I shifted 200 miles 10 yrs ago on Therapists advice to get away from parents.They moved to the next street within 3 months......Iam now 35 rural miles away,better,but not far enough.

Jeez, your parents stalked you?? Perhaps next time don't bother telling them where you go, hey.

You are right about staying put eventually being better - but it has to be somewhere safe and your xp creates a non-safe situation in your current location.

My father just phoned in his angry,witheld,scary voice and informed me that he and mother wd be arriving at 9 am tomorrow to collect a sewing machine they lent my dd's only a week ago to make a couple of dresses which are only half done.
"we won't stop and disturb you,just pick it up and go.Goodbye" end of call.

Mad evil bastards
Make me feel sick though

fuck 'em.
Put the sewing machine outside your front door at 8.55.

Pin a note to the front of the door telling them that you haven't finished using it, lock the doors and refuse to answer. Tell them in the note that you'll return it when the dresses are finished (and try and get them done asap)

How UTTERLY pathetic to take their bitterness out on your DDs as well. Sickening people. If this doesn't give you the hint to stay well away from them as well, what will?

I am for you - this level of treatment has obviously been your norm for most if not all of your life - but NOW is the time to CHANGE it! Stand up for yourself and take what you want from life and STOP putting up with this shit!

Leave the sewing machine and stuff outside the door. Lock all the doors. Advise police of unwelcome visit, just ask them to log it.

When P&M arrive, ring WA, Samaritans or your support worker and stay on the phone until they leave.

What bastards

PineMartina, it is your right to enjoy freedom of choice and freedom of association - which includes non-association! These people have been taking away your rights for so long, you've almost forgotten about having them. Now, today, tomorrow, you actually have strong support on your side - support designed to protect your boundaries and your freedoms. Use it!

By the way: it wouldn't matter if you slept with every ex you've ever known, the entire fire department and both Cardiff rugby teams! That sort of thing isn't considered relevant to your fitness as a parent these days ... the old looney's showing his age

Send me the dresses, I'll finish 'em
Serious! Post back & I'll set up a temporary email for you.

pm, I have read this whole thread and I think you are doing bloody brilliantly in an awful situation and with a brand new baby.

I am full of admiration for you.

Your xp did you an enormous favour with his insane rantings in front of a health professional. Now, with help, you will get through this and past this and you will have a better life with your gorgeous dcs.

Thanks so much everyone
Grace,that is so kind! Me and dd's finished off last night and before school -except for zips,but will hand sew.

They got the stuff,stood on doorstep and asked after dc's. I repeated the info abut xp and MW,saying dc's were upset and confused as a result.
"Well,give them our love" was the only response before they left.

Weirdly,I have noticed that contact of any sort with them,makes me want to phone xp,and leads me to start questioning if he is really as bad as people believe..
Now that is NOT RATIONAL and I don't mean I may actually do it,just I noticed it as a reaction to m and d.

Reading threads here keeps me in touch with reality - but how weird is that when MN is virtual- IYSWIM

This has been the norm all my life.But I have believed that I have broken free on a number of occasions,and for long periods.
It's galling to "wake up" again and find I'm still living on the wrong side of the looking glass.
No idea how to reinvent again.I've already done it so often.Moved to Wales from SE to downsize,have rural life and good schools.Re invented career several times -promotions,responsibility etc

Couldn't trust any ideas I may get now,as evidence suggests I am likely to get it wrong again.

Way too isolated from real conversation and lively creative people in RL.

op - your dcs will have a happy family, with you. don't feel like you arn't enough. you will be alright, you are stronger than you think x

Has Attila been here and suggested the Toxic Parents book yet? Have you read it? It may help you to realise that in fact you need to break free from them entirely to become the person you really are. While you have them in your life, sapping your life energy and personality, you will always doubt yourself and your decisions - once you break free and no longer have their leech-like drain on your personal resources, you will realise your own strengths and abilities. This will give you the strength to resist being taken in by people like your XP EVER AGAIN.

You may need some counselling help to break free completely as there is almost certainly a part of you that is still craving love from these leeches, love and approval. They don't have it in them to give, they only take - your strength, your self-esteem, your personality.

You have done amazingly well considering that your "roots" are still potbound - imagine how much better you will flourish when you are free to grow in your own way with no hindrance!

Well, I'm obviously no source of definitive advice on this, but I'm now trying it the slow way - no reinventions, no moving to more inspiring environments (I probably would if I could, but recognise the value in staying 'real'), no hypnotherapy or other quick-change strategies. Just accepting the slog; the uncomfortable facts - and appreciating everything I learned on my more exciting trips around my ishoos. Which often turns out not to have been what I thought I'd learned ...!

You've done great with your P&M, congrats

Isn't it likely they trigger thoughts of him, because all the same "abused" responses are firing? This is how he reeled you in, remember, by appearing to protect you from them? Abuse -> Control -> Abuse.

You've got proper protection now, PM: protection by people whose job is to protect the vulnerable, rather than some Kray twins / Phil Mitchell style of protection by abuse. Psychologically & emotionally, you will find help to build your own protective resources ... and you've already started. Don't underestimate that!

Glad you got the dresses done

well done op for getting him out - and in a way good the MW reported the abuse - this will protect you from him. get all teh ehlp you can from surestart/homestart etc - maybe now with baby groups etc you can in few weeks start makin new contacts/friends at baby drop in?

it can only get better...when/if he starts wanting to see baby discuss with solicitor and only supervised elsewhere - not in your home - get SS involved in that.... are tehre contact centres near you?

clear boundaries for your parents - i have parents too who believe my exP and think I have been hard on him! but not to same extent as here.

Just had a visit from friend who xp was abusive to and who I haven't seen since.She was expecting him to be here so had only got 10 mins before had to leave to get dc's from school.When I told her what the score was,she admitted to not coming before in case she "pushed his buttons and set him off" also said she was unable to understand how I could have had him back after what had happened.Was relieved that MW involved etc and emphatic it 's for the best - despite saying she also knows how charming and lovable he is when good not being a bastard.
Went with her to school -pushed baby out in sunshine in the silvercross pram for first time- and she offered to take me to register baby next week.
Then met lots of interested Mums and kids outside school.Have been given a big bag of little clothes by Mum who ran home to get them for me.
Really pleased and touched.Normal interaction with RL people.
Good start!

You are dead brave!

People will start to come back into your life now that they can. You will start to experience life outside the "cult". It's weird, but good.

I went to Berlin when the wall came down and will always remember the expression on the faces of the Soviet soldiers. I can relate to that bewilderment at their "freedom". Do you know what I mean?

xxx

Saddest - I really do know what you mean!
Bewildered is right.I also felt today like I was dazed and dazzled by everything,and removed from everyone else's reality..as if they are living in a dimension I'm not part of.Sort of trippy ,in the sunshine.
That is not what I expected,as I really was in a different reality last week,now,I should be in the same one as them.
But I will take a long while to get into it,I think.And it still feels as if it would be safer and more comfy to have the nasty ,old reality back.Cult stuff again I guess and what you have said before about the soviet soldiers wanting communism back.

The biggest brainwash for me,is the one about being a crap mother with kids from "loads" of useless fathers and who no one will ever want or respect.That my life is a mess and a scandal.He told me that so often.He told the MW ,too.
My parents and sibs totally believe that of me,as did most of the community we moved from.I fear/suspect that a lot of people here see me like that.
When we lived in SE England I would never have given it a thought,nor considered anyone else likely to.
I am not ashamed.It's more to do with not fitting in a box - as I type that,I actually can't believe I am here.My old rebel self would have relished being so different.Avoided boxes like the plague.Still chose crap men though!
Don't think I know who I am anymore.

He told the MW that I had tricked him into making me pregnant because I was desperate to trap him with a baby !!!!!wtf!!!!!!
Said he never wanted a baby and still doesn't,but is putting up with it all as he pities me.

My friend said today that he had told her exactly the same when I was in hospital,in a self pitying way which he obviously felt was going to elicit her sympathy...that was what led to her remarks which he then verbally attacked her for..

Poor,poor newbaby.He doesn't deserve to see her.
Since he left, he has made no attempt to find out how she is or sent any message for her.

Somehow,I can feel more upset and angry on her behalf than mine.

Better to feel upset and angry for her than for you, maybe - unlease the hidden mother tigress in you that will protect your young from him.

Glad you got out and managed to meet some new people to talk to - let them help you if they want to. Start finding out who you are again - ignore the toxins around you. See if you can find your inner voice who DOES know that you are a capable mother.

Alone on sat night.First tx from him -

" Darling PM,
whatever I say or do to try and rebuild,I have compromised our daughter and your children and blown the family wehad created.

Our battle has concluded and we both bear the pain.

We are soul mates,bound together eternally,but we have to admit defeat now.
We have hurt each other enough.

I will send energy,love and light to you all every moment of every day,for the rest of my life.

I would like to invite you to meet me in a safe place of your choice to discuss financial support and contact arrangements.

Sorry will not do,but anyway,with love..."

I replied " you have abused me for the last time and exposed your abuse and hatred to the MW.Goodbye"

Mt eldest dd could compose a more meaningful and emotive message than his.

So why am I crying and feeling like my heart is being ripped out?

because you want it to be true. Who wouldn't?

And you have just had his child.....so you want it to be true with knobs on.

BUT IT'S NOT.

He is a nutjob of the first order, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I have a friend who gave me this advice. Stand in front of the mirror, for half an hour, and say: "there is nothing more I can do to save this!"

Unless he gets some serious phsyche help.....it's all bollocks. Florrid bollocks

You are lovely....you deserve the world...not a nutter who abuses you and your kids.