Anyone ever had an affair and managed to keep it secret?

[parkranger]

well have you and do you regret it now?

Well, as I'm not actually sleeping with my husband, and he doesn't understand me, but I WILL leave him soon and you'd be so much more than a shag against the photo copier, then I'm happy to have both of you ? I mean, that should mess with the kids heads significantly shouldn' it ?

does op need support to help her justify her actions? I hope not.
as someone who's marriage has ended due to an affair and is now dealing with the fallout and 2 very upset dc.
my ex and ow claim no one knew at their workplace but as others have said no one who worked with them day in and day out would have failed to notice, no one is that clever at covering up. they still haven't been 'outed' as far as I know.
mine and dc lives have been shattered by these two, they entered into their relationship willingly and knowing that a lot of people they claimed to care about would get hurt. ow had dp as well, not a single woman.
there is no justification imo, and no excuses.

Had your thread title been 'Im having an affair and think its great, come listen to me gloat about how exciting it all is' I wouldnt have clicked on it and therefore not commented on it.

However, your title was not that - I thought it would be some poor soul wondering if their oh was having an affair or had had one in the past and theyd only just realised.

Youre incredibly selfish if this is real. No matter how many times you tell yourself this is ok it isnt and Im not going to feel bad or 'judgey' for commenting on something that is such a pile of crap.

Sassybeast.....sold

when shall we meet

I don't have a photocopier but I do have a kitchen table

Could you just make sure all your friends and family know, so that my children are the last to find out

I find that particular humiliation very effective...don't you ?

Anyf-cker - well I hardly dangle myself - self respect??? no probably don't have any - you are absolutely right

Actually no one should have an affair - simple as that - however life happens, no one is perfect - not trying to defend actions but I am where I am. My life is complicated and actually would like some advice if anyone wants to listen and give objective advice rather than judgement

Gosh yes it is a conundrum isn't it?
Why name change when having a secret affair and posting on t'internet?
Especially when the posts are so even handed and no one is getting personal and vindictive .
Oh well must run, need to check if bears shit in the woods.

everyone knows about affairs
they are rarely secret unless you are john major and eggwina

YUK

partytime..so sorry x

I hope my sharp-edged tongue is not being misconstrued by any of the women who have been upset by this thread

ClickNegg, that stayed secret because noone wanted to know. You could have been looking right at them, and your brain would just be going 'No! No, no, no! I am not recording this! Nothing to see here! Move on!'.

TTL..do you know what

if you had posted sensitively for advice about your complicated life on another thread, you would have got it

this thread was never going to be about that, was it ?

a different name (not a name-change) wouldn't go ammiss, either

gosh - wht a bunch of judgmental puritans you all are. I best not post details of what I have been up to

scout...you will find these particular bears shit on their own doorsteps

Zazen, I think you're missing the point that this is actually all about affairs in a monogamous relationship, hence the question about managing to keep it secret. It's not about "do you and your partner have an open relationship", which is a different question entirely. This one proclaims itself to be about deceit. About not being found out. In the scenarios you refer to, there's nothing to find out, hence no problem and nothing to get vitriolic about.

The OP may have (claimed to have) started this thread to get some support, but that doesn't mean he/she either will necessarily receive support - or should. They haven't posted a cry for help or advice, they are quite happy with what they are doing and want to know that other people are also quite happy doing the same thing. Well, in the course of finding that out, they are also finding that a whole lot of other people are NOT happy, either having done it or having had it done to them. OK, they probably won't see it, so you might say what's the point. Maybe you're right, at that. Doesn't mean nobody should be allowed to challenge them, though.

temptedmummy...that might be best

perhaps we don't want to know

at eggwina

AF - thanks.
I am not being a puritan and I do believe that people should not stay in unhappy relationships, however, I do think that there is a morally right way to go about it. Finish one relationship before beginning another, it is the right thing to do.
If my ex and I had been unhappy and our relationship crap and we both wanted out, then yes, end it and begin again. But we didn't, OW turned up and bingo, game over for me.

fuckers, the pair of them

Akhems - before you throw anymore vitriol my way, the reason I became a counsellor was to help others - I am rubbish at sorting my own issues and believe you me I wish I could !! - but with my own experiences I am very good at counselling others and BEFORE YOU FLAME ME I do not encourage others to give up on their marriage nor to have an affair. Au contraire.

I not only counsel for relationships but also for stress, bereavement, bullying, stroke, epilepsy and several other things- all of which I have experience of.

I am not asking for validation or acceptance - nor am I asking to be hung or stoned by others who a) do not know the whole story b) set themselves as the moral high grond. I am also not looking for sympathy - as my old nan used to say, if you want sympathy its between sh*t and syphilis in the dictionary.

ooh temptedmummy i am on the edge of my seat........ ooh you are a devil.....

i just wonder if we are judgemental puritans or the people engaged in affairs have the morals of alley cats and complete disregard for their families wellbeing??

Life is complicated with its myriad turns and the hand of fate taking a part. Things happen, some wonderful, some terrible, over which we have no control.

To have an affair is to make a choice. And it is not a choice to reinvent an existing relationship, to validate your existence or to make you feel better about other circumstances, it is a choice to deceive. All of the 'pros' you hang onto aren't choices, they're excuses. You decide to cheat. Sometimes I think it's even the easy choice. So much easier than looking at what's really happening in your life and improving it. But you won't dress it up as anything else.

I have sympathy for your partners and for anybody else you are hurting but mostly I am sorry that this thread is visible to women in horrific amounts of turmoil because somebody else also made the wrong choice.

Seek support for the choices you made by all means but consider what you are saying and how you say it. An affair made your marriage better? No it didn't. It made a mockery of it and the other partner in it. Don't you dare imply that affairs improve marriages when there are women on here who have seen exactly what it does in reality. It takes the piss out of their emotions. Don't you paint it as a good thing.

good post, SOH

OMG!!! I doubt whether any woman having an affair is a tart with her knickers in her handbag. Women dont usually go on the prowl for sex - there are more emotional reasons.

And I am sure that all the posters baying for justice (or something like that) are all prefectly rational people who have been hurt and are feeling very raw.

It takes TWO!! Are men blameless? Poor innocent lambs! I am amazed at the posters who say that OW stole their husband, ruined their life etc... did he have no choice? Was he not aware that he would cause immense hurt to his DW and DCs?

Yes, ShowofHands, very very well put.

it astounds me that certain people are taking such obvious pleasure at slagging off other women. Why bother to come on this thread in the first place if it was going to anger you OR if your intention was to flame others - the old lady at the bottom of the guillotine springs to mind!!

I am neither gloating nor proud.

And actually my name twice the love refers to my kids rather than my love life

Yes, I'm in my 50's but if DH had an affair I wouldn't let my age be a factor in deciding what to do. Surely if I was on my own ( I'm in pretty good nick) there would be the possibility I could meet someone else?

I think that by the time you are 50 and have probably contended with friends dying of cancer, the death of possibly both of your parents and probably some major money/work/health problems yourself you are probably don't see your DP spending a bit of time indulging with someone else as such a big deal.

I think I'm reasonably well balanced and if my DH decided to put it about a bit as a mid life crisis I'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face if I chucked him out. I'd still love him and I'd wait for him to come to his senses.